suagar babies, it went down something like this…

friday night i drive out to the country.. stop at the grocery store and stock up…. get home unload, chat with some neighboring cowboys.. make a lite dinner.. put on some comfy sweats… sit down on the back patio to eat under the stars.. and …

cell phone rings..

ummm.. i should ignore it…

ummm..it keeps ringing… ignore it…i tell myself…

that IS why i come out here….

but i get up……… and start looking for my phone….

i find it under a huge pile of mail…

its a message from Upstairs Neighbor Girl…the one person in my building who travels more than me…she said something like this:
“agghhh!!! Im the only one in the building and the SPRINKLER SYSTEM is going off.. i dont know what to do!! call me!!…”

shit…

great…

i call her.. the fire dept has shown up..

they turn off the sprinklers… but EVERYTHING is wet she says…

they have to break into one of the units….

she is asking me for permission…hell, its not my place…go ahead…

they traipse though the whole building…

…there is no fire… its a false alarm…

…i ask her to pop into my place and asses the damage….its not locked i tell her…

she tries the door..umm..yes..it is locked….

GREAT… the fire dept….”helped me out” by locking my door for me…

great….

i put on my sneakers… gather up a fan, old towels and a mop….get in the TRUCK...if i have to bring back all my worldly possessions…”sex on wheels” wont do….

i head east…its an hour and a half drive back to the city….

all i can think of are worse case scenarios…. and by the time i get to the highway… i had decided that not that much in the condo is THAT important to me…

  • ….i dont really care about the sofa… whatever
  • …the “Barcelona” chairs are leather and chrome…they should dry out ok…
  • …the tv is crappy anyway …
  • … the cow hide rug..is…well…. it is cow hide…its indestructible…
  • …the mattress …..ehh.. who cares…
  • ….my laptop.. well at least it is new so i havent had time to put lots of crap on it… i have a fairly recent backup..

then it hits me….

THE ART

…. damn it… damn it … damn it……the glen barr…. the harouni… the jonathon viner….

i start running them through my head… which ones are coated in varnish… lots of varnish…

damn the jennifer alicia grant…. will be ruined…

the mixed media hank williams…no chance….

the niagara silk screen ..nope that wont take water well…. oh wait..i took that to the country..so its safe….

the sesow should be alright….

the tiny little camille rose garcia… thank god..i think it is in the closet…a surprise for a friend….

the vintage blythe doll…umm..she will dry…right?

the vintage von dutch pinstripe piece, the tiny manson watercolor.. …..ok still on loan… thank god ..they havent shipped em back yet….

by this time my hands are shaking.. and im gripping the steering wheel too tight…it makes my arm go a little numb…so i try to relax… turn on the radio… dont freak out til its time to freak out….

i get to town..its a nice friday night..folks are out with their dates…there is nowhere to park….

i park illeagally on the corner…. i nod to the security guard across the street and he comes over…. i explain… he says he’ll call me if the tow truck shows up….he says i look scared… pats my back and asks if i want him to come in with me…

i shake my head…

i go inside ….

praying to the tiny bebe jesus….and his mama… (ive been praying a lot lately)

the floor is wet… hail mary full of grace….

im afarid to look up…hallowed be thy name….

but… i do… its all ok… its alll dry…

the sprinklers in my place did not deploy…

water did come in, mostly thru the ceiling from upstairs…..where they did deploy….

but how lucky of a bitch am i?????

most of the water… get this… is in the bathroom…

it mops up pretty easily….. damage is minimal… i toss out some soaking wet toilet paper, some catalogs, and an old thing of bronzer… most of my toiletries were even in those homeland/airport security mandated ziplock bags…

then i look around and realize.. the firemen didnt even steal my new porn which was scattered on the coffee table…

whew! thank you bebe jesus……. boy oh boy do I.O.U.

xoxo