suagarbabies…
“you have to wait here…YOU are NOT family”…. thats what the tiny hood rat at the front desk said to me…smacking her gum..her hip thrown out to one side her hand thrown up in a “talk to it” gesture…..
i shit you not…thats what she said….
as they wheeled my best friend of all time away from me… fast…they were throwing tubing and bags and grabbing rolling equipment..and i watched til they turned the corner…
for a little while i felt like i was wasnt completely helpless as i gave the intake nurse his insurance info and medical history…..guess they dont care WHO gives them the billing info…
then i paced… malcolm in the middle was on the overhead tv… and the only magazine was a dog eared year old copy of AARP …..but i couldnt focus enough to see the print anyway…
then after about 45 min… i was mad..
real mad …. i seethed when lunch was delivered from a local chinese place and they waved the delivery guy back to the nurses station….. they munched on egg rolls…while i wondered if my best friend was alive? cold? scared? dead?…. ok..i understand they dont want me in the dr’s way….hell i dont WANT To be in the dr’s way if they are doing something …but… umm…NOBODY can tell me whats going on???
they gossiped…they commented on his tattoos…. whispered that they recognized him…took a few calls on their cell phones from their boyfriends…i mean technically they werent allowed to have their cell phones…so a work around had been devised… when the ringers went off in their “storage area” they would go get them and then walk to the edge of the carpet to talk about …whatever…
i kept playing it over in my head….you are not family…you are not family….
what the hell do these people know about family???? they dont know him they dont know me..they certainly dont know about our “family”….they dont know:
that his parents are assholes and kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay
that i moved in with him for several months a few years ago when he first got cancer…to take him back and forth to chemo and to care for him after the treatments left him a mess…
that he gets realllly scared at hospitals… i mean you really only have to go through cancer treatments once for hospitals to leave a bad taste in your mouth…three times… and well…. you’ll pretty much freak out when they try to put an iv in your arm too…
that when i needed it..he offered to let me live with him…rent free… for as long as i needed (seriously… isnt THAT family)
that we both leave our estates to each other in our wills…
that we have known each other since back when you could see a show at the bayou..the 9:30 club was downtown… the black cat was “that new place”…posuers was THE place to be…coke was cool… reallly…that long…
that if anything ever happened to me… thats who id want next to me at the hospital…waaaay before id want any of my “family”….
that we are “porn buddies“…
that we wear wedding bands on chains around our necks as symbols of our friendship and because if you are not married in this society ….everyone assumes you are missing something…we know better than that
i stood in the doorway to the nurses station….staring at them… clutching his shirt and wallet… i waited… and waited… i fought tears…
i twittered…
and then.. i did what i do best…
i got my way… the way i do best…
i spied a dr looking dude… and made eye contact… i gave him a half smile frowny face…
and yeah….he came over…
when he asked if i needed help…
i nodded and let a few of the tears roll down my cheeks… he put his arm around me …all i said was..
you have my best friend back there…and i just want to know if he is ok…..
he went and got me new tissues…. he checked on my friend… he escorted me past the hood rat… past the nurses station… past the trash can full of chinese take out boxes…
when i got to his room..we both broke down and cried…
the dr came to talk to me….explained that it was a good thing we got to the hospital soooo fast…(my friend chuckled from his bed about sex on wheels…MAYBE being worth alll the trouble she puts me through!) the dr. said that he could maybe go home tomorrow night…i told the dr i wasnt leaving…and she smiled.. and had the orderly move a more comfortable chair into the room….
sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…
but i swear … the whole thing…. made me agonizingly aware of the magnitude of not allowing gay partners to marry…i know that gay couples go through this kind of thing often… and … its awful… i cant really imagine it…two hours and i was near crazy…
step back folks…it isnt about having two dudes or two chicks on the top of a cake…. it isnt just about having a “wedding” …..it isnt about what “your god” preaches…..its about being legally defined as family….. not having to explain to a 17 year old receptionist who cant even tie her shoes..(she was born in the age of velcro) … what FAMILY is… cause reallly… its none of her business…
xoxo
ps.. these folks have taken up the fight…. i support them ..i hope you will too…
21 comments
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June 19, 2008 at 4:57 pm
legallyheidi
wow. you’re absolutely right on all accounts which is so incredibly sad. I absolutely agree that gay and lesbian couples should have the right to family. I don’t believe that the government nor, religion should dictate who we can and can not fall in love with because really? Uncle Sam has no business there and neither does the pope.
Hope your friend is okay :/ <3
hmm…does uncle sam… count as family??? umm hell to the no…
and everyone will be fine…im sure of it…xoxo
June 19, 2008 at 6:14 pm
charlotte harris
family are the family we’re born with… friends are the family that we choose for ourselves. your friend obvously chose some really good family in you. hope things are OK.
i hope so too… on your end as well… keeping your mom in my prayers…xoxo
June 19, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Velvet
Yikes. When it comes to hospitals, doctors and healthcare, it’s up to those of us who are well to demand what we want and need for our friends and family who are not well. You done good. You charmed your way in there, nice job.
my options were limited..if i threw the fit i wanted to …i figured id get tossed to the curb…and YES .. WE have to advocate…for each other…xoxo
June 19, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Eleanor's Trousers
I’m a big fat liar, but I would have introduced myself as his wife. What? Like they’re going to ask for a marriage license on the spot. I.D.? I kept my maiden name. He says he’s gay? The meds must be too strong. Rings? Not my style.
Like hell I’m gonna let some nurse-ling keep me from my best friend/ family. But like I said, I’m a big fat liar that way. I’m glad you took the high, but effective road. Send your family all of our best thoughts.
yeah.. next time you can count on me lying my ass off…i mean it…ill be totally ass less..if.. god forbid..i ever have to take ANYone to the ER again…
live and learn…
xoxo
June 20, 2008 at 12:27 am
restaurantrefugee
so many people cite “being close to family” as an important characteristic in a person. i don’t give a flying **** how a person feels about family – that is a genetic accident and not, on the face, a good reason to be close. be a good friend that is what matters to me. you, suicide blonde, are obviously a good friend and because of that, you will always be welcome to my scotch.
i am keeping a good thought for your friend.
June 20, 2008 at 2:10 am
Talking Budgie
You’re so right. Family has nothing to do with marriage or DNA. It has everything to do with love, respect, kindness, support, friendship and compassion. Most of the people who are my “family” aren’t related to me by blood. They’ve been better family to me than the one I was born in to.
I also agree with Eleanor’s Trousers. I would have said that I was his wife. But I’m glad you finally got in, and I really hope your friend is ok.
June 20, 2008 at 7:11 am
JordanBaker
I started wearing my grandmother’s anniversary band daily because of a similar situation–flip it from the right hand to the left, and no one even thinks to ask questions.
I hope your friend’s doing well.
June 20, 2008 at 8:20 am
wildbill
It’s Time to Re Envision Family:
-Family is defined by the Love,affection and regard you have for each other. Rarely are two Family members born into the same house.
June 20, 2008 at 11:36 am
TC the Terrible
I’ve got a really good “move or I’ll fuck you up” look that I use when peons get in my way. So far it’s never let me down and no one has ever called security on me. Maybe I should teach it to you one day when you’re having coffee out in the ‘burbs.
June 20, 2008 at 11:53 am
Arjewtino
Beautiful.
June 20, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Food Rockz Man
What a $hitty experience . . . I’m sorry you had to go through that . . . and am sorry for the folks . . . same sex couples and others . . . who too-often have to deal with $hit like this because they don’t fit some stupid stereotype of family. And I’m glad you were able to get your way in the end! Sounds like your friend’s health is pretty rough . . . and like the two of you are lucky to have each other . . . hang in there.
June 20, 2008 at 11:08 pm
ma
Oh dear. I hope that your friend is doing well. You just keep rasing hell. That’s what we all have to do.
June 21, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Ulysses
If family is as family does, then you’re it. You’re best friend can always request your presence — tell him so that he doesn’t have to suffer the waiting next time.
Your action and persistence put you beyond many patients’ blood relatives I’ve met.
June 21, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Mr. T in DC
So glad your friend is OK, and I’m with you all the way on gay marriage and considering close friends as family. Great post.
June 21, 2008 at 7:04 pm
vvk
*hugs*
sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…
I know this personally… a lot of people have a hard time understanding my personal definition of family… and not just because I can’t really put it into words. I just know whether someone is or isn’t family. If I had to put a number on it, there would definitely, the number of people I consider family would be well into the hundreds… and even the number of people I consider close family would be well over a hundred. And this has little to nothing to do with blood.
I wish your friend the best…
That said, as crazily litigious as our society has become, I can somewhat understand the hospital / nurses position. :-\
June 21, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Hammer
They say angels fly high and angels fly fast,
But faster still is the blonde stomping the gas.
In a situation like this it takes a kitten to pounce…
Well played, darlin’ – we are what we do when it counts.
June 22, 2008 at 8:24 am
john
Yes this is true.
I searched at Google and find this article.
Thank You im Loving it !
June 23, 2008 at 7:55 pm
rabbit
Hope your friend is doing better. Take care.
June 26, 2008 at 12:42 am
Jen
and THIS is the reason I hate all the legislation to keep gay people from marrying. There’s no problem with getting their SINGLE UNMARRIED taxes, but we don’t let them see each other in a fracking hospital!!!!!!!!
ARGGGH.
NO ONE would be able to tell me to stay out of my best friend’s hospital room. FUCK THAT!!!! NO way.
My best friend IS family.
I lie.
I tell them she’s my sister.
June 27, 2008 at 2:16 pm
LivitLuvit
omg, i’ve been going through life without a porn buddy! thank god i know now…
hope all is well with your friend. second jen- next time (god forbid there is one), definitely lie!
April 20, 2009 at 4:44 pm
And the Award Goes to… « Doin’ Time in Erie, PA
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