sugarbabies…

you dont know me…

there are plenty of things you do know…im blond…i drive my sports cars too fast…i adore that lil beast of mine… i’m partial to 5″ heels… that johnny cash and thievery corp will both come up real often when my ipod is on shuffle… that im typing this from either a swanky hotel suite or just as likely the dive bar in some hotel basement across town… someplace shady…some place  where you have to sit near the door…not just for wifi reception… but for personal safety….

but

youd be mistaken if you thought you knew me…i dont even know me most days…

mostly because i change… alll the time… a therapist (if he/she was feeling generous)...might call it growth… but its more likely just capriciousness and fear of commitment… to anything… anything….and lately a certain melancholy has set in… and maybe its the weather or the economy…or any of the long list of  shit things that we allll have to deal with alll of the time… (i think they call it… life ) but… there’s no denying it…

i dont enjoy things the way i used to…. things dont taste as good…some nights the third drink slides down too easily…i dont get as excited as i used to …for anything really…not shows…restaurants… fashion week…barbq joints…trips…books… movies…men…ideas…

and it bothers me…it bothers me a lot….

dont get me wrong im still one of the happiest folks youll find out there…(you can make your own judgments about what that says about the state of affairs “out there” )

and that might go double here in Detroit…but  folks here might say thats because im leaving tomorrow… and while i usually get lots of inspiration from the motor city…even her decay is glorious…but… its not that way this time…i feel like her demise has been documented ad nauseum…and exploited…and mining her for more seems selfish …in a weird “giving tree” way…the only money here seems to be in profiteering at the moment…and well…the whole thing kinda makes me feel like a rubber necker….. rather than a guest...and if you know annnnything at all about me… you know it breaks my heart… ’cause fucking hell…i love this city…i cant help it i do…  and maybe its allllllll me… im just not in the same place myself ….where a brew pub and bbq joint gave me hope a year or two ago … they seem garish tonight ….gashs of red neon on dark streets… full of guys who use words like dismantle divest and dissolution  with sticky sweet barbq sauce dripping from their lips … all…while hungry kids huddle in nearby abandoned houses with no heat…and the wind…

jesus… the wind…

girls under streetlights in mini skirts and thigh high boots…dont seem as noir when you see their teeth chattering and eyes as icy and piercing as that wind…sometimes…i take the girls coffee…  i feel a certain kinship with a lot of street girls…. i mean in the end…. we are allll selling something to someone…who am i to judge? …. and christ its raw out there….some of them wont take it….others say thanks and take the cup with icy hands….and i try not to judge them the way i see some of them judging me… and when one shouts something obscene at me…i just tell her quietly…

what i tell everyone…

sugar….you. dont. know. me…

xoxo

if youre so inclined…there is an organization in DC that does a lot of good work in a non judgmental way…they are good people…

www.hips.org

xoxo