sugarbabies…
you dont know me…
there are plenty of things you do know…im blond…i drive my sports cars too fast…i adore that lil beast of mine… i’m partial to 5″ heels… that johnny cash and thievery corp will both come up real often when my ipod is on shuffle… that im typing this from either a swanky hotel suite or just as likely the dive bar in some hotel basement across town… someplace shady…some place where you have to sit near the door…not just for wifi reception… but for personal safety….
but
youd be mistaken if you thought you knew me…i dont even know me most days…
mostly because i change… alll the time… a therapist (if he/she was feeling generous)...might call it growth… but its more likely just capriciousness and fear of commitment… to anything… anything….and lately a certain melancholy has set in… and maybe its the weather or the economy…or any of the long list of shit things that we allll have to deal with alll of the time… (i think they call it… life ) but… there’s no denying it…
i dont enjoy things the way i used to…. things dont taste as good…some nights the third drink slides down too easily…i dont get as excited as i used to …for anything really…not shows…restaurants… fashion week…barbq joints…trips…books… movies…men…ideas…
and it bothers me…it bothers me a lot….
dont get me wrong im still one of the happiest folks youll find out there…(you can make your own judgments about what that says about the state of affairs “out there” )
and that might go double here in Detroit…but folks here might say thats because im leaving tomorrow… and while i usually get lots of inspiration from the motor city…even her decay is glorious…but… its not that way this time…i feel like her demise has been documented ad nauseum…and exploited…and mining her for more seems selfish …in a weird “giving tree” way…the only money here seems to be in profiteering at the moment…and well…the whole thing kinda makes me feel like a rubber necker….. rather than a guest...and if you know annnnything at all about me… you know it breaks my heart… ’cause fucking hell…i love this city…i cant help it i do… and maybe its allllllll me… im just not in the same place myself ….where a brew pub and bbq joint gave me hope a year or two ago … they seem garish tonight ….gashs of red neon on dark streets… full of guys who use words like dismantle divest and dissolution with sticky sweet barbq sauce dripping from their lips … all…while hungry kids huddle in nearby abandoned houses with no heat…and the wind…
jesus… the wind…
girls under streetlights in mini skirts and thigh high boots…dont seem as noir when you see their teeth chattering and eyes as icy and piercing as that wind…sometimes…i take the girls coffee… i feel a certain kinship with a lot of street girls…. i mean in the end…. we are allll selling something to someone…who am i to judge? …. and christ its raw out there….some of them wont take it….others say thanks and take the cup with icy hands….and i try not to judge them the way i see some of them judging me… and when one shouts something obscene at me…i just tell her quietly…
what i tell everyone…
sugar….you. dont. know. me…
xoxo
if youre so inclined…there is an organization in DC that does a lot of good work in a non judgmental way…they are good people…
xoxo
8 comments
February 22, 2011 at 1:56 pm
novaburbsman
If you were a guy (and me and the Good Lord know you’re not) I’d say you’re in the middle of a classic mid-life crisis. It can be fun if you’re willing to leave your reputation at the door and ride the winds where they take you.
Sometimes it’s the decay that forces us to see the beauty that we neglected. It can be instructive for how we treat the other parts of our lives. Yeah, we’re all girls on street corners and business is down right now. The hot coffee is a great gift, even for guys in the desert, cause after all it’s not really a cup of coffee. It’s a symbol that somebody, even a somebody you don’t know, is thinking about your spirit and putting a fresh bandage on it. Call it two dollars well spent and fuck ‘em if they don’t understand what you’ve given them.
But be careful out there looking for the piece that’s missing right now. God, Buddha, Karma, The Universe, The Fates or whatever will bring it to you when the time is right. The trick is being in tune enough to know when it arrives.
Hold on tight. A bunch of us are counting on you.
February 22, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Lemon Gloria
No, I don’t know you at all, but you do seem like a very sweet, kind person.
Winter has been long and the lack of light sucks the life out of people. But spring, spring is almost here! That might help.
February 22, 2011 at 9:59 pm
vvk
…This post left me wanting to say something… but I’m not sure exactly how to articulate it…
The paragraph that began “i dont enjoy things the way i used to…” struck home. On one hand, given my psychiatric history, I’m not sure I really felt happy about anything until the past few years. On the other hand, the medication that helped me deal with that problem, also tends to… well, dull, a lot of feelings. Things don’t taste as good…
*hugs*
-vvk
February 22, 2011 at 10:13 pm
R.J.
I know the feeling. I felt those same emotions not too long ago and once in awhile I’ll feel that way. Friday was a great example of that. I woke and wondered “Why am I bothering going to work today?” I had the sick time available, so I made it a three-day weekend.
Hang in there. It comes and goes.
February 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm
freckledk
I know enough about you to know this is exactly the sort of thing you would do….it’s one of the many reasons why I adore you.
February 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm
magnolia
i am so glad that there’s a group out there trying to handle these issues in a non-judgmental manner. if only our elected leaders (ahem-harry-reid-ahem) could be that mature and compassionate about it.
i identify with that feeling of dulling around the edges of my life. happens to me a fair amount, and it’s just the worst feeling. i lose my sparkle and just become snappish, fuzzy of brain… ick.
March 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm
inmate1972
You’re right, the vultures come from around the world to document the destruction and it pisses me off. The don’t go to the DIA or Belle Isle, they ignore the Heidelberg Project and Eastern Market, where on any Saturday morning you can experience one of the largest outdoor farmers markets in the world. The don’t go to the fabulously luscious Cliff Bells jazz club, all dolled up in her Art deco glory, or the Elwood Bar and Grill for that matter. They certainly ignore the amazing counter culture theater you can see at the Gem. They swing down the freeway, snap some shots, make some assumptions, and then fly off. They don’t know Detroit at all.
March 1, 2011 at 2:43 pm
suicide_blond
you said heidelberg project & belle isle… ::sigh:: shes dirty sweet and shes my girl… xoxo