I’m not stranger to fake…

in the south back when i was a kid there wasn’t much you wouldn’t suffer for beauty… it was a duty…you repped a clan…

so … i come by it naturally and when i tell you if there is a beauty treatment out there…i have probably tried it… 

I’ve had hair extensions glued to my head.

I was one of the first to sign up for a needle loaded with botchelism… to the face.

i’ve had hot wax applied to nearly every place you can think would be a bad place to put hot wax…yep even there… and oh yeah and pour some bleach in there too!

i have had formaldehyde applied to my hair in a series of “treatments” that required the hairdresser to wear a gas mask.

I have had lasers applied directly to my face and underarms.

I have rolled about in a can of ultra violet light & been full body sprayed with a chemical im allergic  to (go figure) …

I have had a pedicure that involves putting your feet in a bucket full of flesh eating fish…(trust me…just use a fucking pumice stone)

i have had polished bits of acrylic glued to my fingers..hey it was the 80′s

I have dyed my hair every color in nature and few that are not.

“Ancient art of Threading”..sure i’ve tried it…

I’ve gone to sketchy basements in Alexandria for a “super facial” that “wasn’t FDA approved YET….but they do it in europe all the time”

sooooo naturally… when on a rainy sat afternoon i found myself in the basement of a row house in chinatown for “eyelash extensions”…i wasn’t worried…

in no time at all i was on my back … hot wax stripping stray hairs from my brows …while a tiny lady i had never seen before used scotch tape to hold my lower lashes down…then she set about basically hot gluing individual eyelashes into place…and when i say in place i mean…right up next to my eyeballs… with very pointy tweezers…

all i could think as tears rolled down my TAPED . OPEN . EYES… and into my ears… was “FML…what have i gotten myself into. I cant believe i am paying for this… the least she could do is crack a whip “…instead she gave me pearls of beauty wisdom … for keeping my lashes tidy for as long as possible… things like :

dont sleep on your face

dont wash your face

if you get something in your eye -just blink

dont take hot showers

“i can only do so much ..it takes work from you for these to look good” were her words …

i dont know if i’ve just reached a place in my life where i dont give a shit anymore… maybe im not even “able to give a shit” …maybe i have bigger concerns than my fucking eyelashes??

but a wise woman once said…

“look here honey…

pull “delicately” on the outer edge…line up…and press down…. hold… hold… repeat”

i was 10 years old when my granny showed me how to dot the glue and spread it with a tooth pick… and apply false eyelashes…that cost 4 dollars at cvs….

and three days later you wont be walking round with a “clump” of eyelashes missing cause you took a hot shower…

xoxo