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…sugarbabies…
my date had a last min emergency as is wont to happen to dr’s (even doggie ones)… i must admit to pouting a bit.. mostly ’cause i had turned down another invite to join a pilgrimage out to VA to visit the holy grail that is … IHOP… 
i shook it off and headed to the gallery solo… world aids day…soo…yeah the crowd was fabulously loaded with pretty boys and the women who love them…. i was chatting away when suddenly a hand slipped round my waist… in a very “un-gay” way… and a vodka tonic appeared in before my eyes… my eyes slid up… and up… and up…6′4″ to shiny eyes and bad boy hair
“I knew youd be here” he said as i accepted the glass…
“oh im predictable am i? “
“THAT is not what i said”….he protested as he leaned down…
he kissed both cheeks and i introduced him to my friend…as “eye candy”… they chatted easily for just long enough to avoid being rude… one of the BEST things about gay friends..is that they can detect sexual chemistry from three blocks away….. and they are not wont to cockblock…he excused himself with an admiring up/down glance at the backside of eye candys brooks brothers suit… and an approving nod to me…
“its nice to see you” he said….obviously proud of the fact that he had predicted my whereabouts on this night…
he guided me round the gallery with his hand alternating between the back of my neck and the small of my back… he chuckled when gay men continuously stopped us to comment on my Chanel spectators….
him: some things never change…you ALWAYS have the best shoes in the room ….
me : its been a long time
him: thats why im here
me: where have you been?
him: mostly new dehli but im moving back after the holidays
me: wanna get out of here?
him: i thought you might make me beg you
me: the night isnt over
he disappeared with the coat check tickets and as sooon as he was gone friends descended from all directions… with lots of omg’s and wtf?? and a few…”i wouldnt kick that tall drink of water outta bed”s…
i dont know…i dont know….i dont know what hes doing here… and i havent seen him in a verrry long time i replied with my hands in front of me slightly less than shoulder width apart… which is our “signal” for im not gonna need any of y’all fairies to walk me home 
and then he was back holding my coat so i could slip into it… we stepped out into the night…
me: where are you staying?
him: the willard
me: a suite?
him: the one you like
fucking christ i AM predictable i thought….
i told him there was someone new in my life… he said he wasnt surprised…
but he was… cause he laughed pretty hard when he found out the new someone was about three lbs of terrier…
he put his hand on the back of my neck… and guided me into a restaurant that we hadnt been to in a long time… the bartender recognized us instantly… and came round with hugs and how have you beens? slipping back into him and our old ways was proving very easy and nice… very nice…
he confirmed what i wanted… and ordered for me.. *sigh* why do sooo many men not know how to do this properly????
i couldnt eat… (crazzzzzy!!) my stomach was in knots… i sipped the vodka tonic… and pushed some food around the plate… he looked happy… and sad at the same time… and … i asked if he wanted to meet alice…
he gave the cabbie the address & directions to my place… from memory…
outside the house he didnt assume he was invited in…
i offered to get alices leash and walk him to his hotel… i was feeling pretty darned proud of myself for not just bringing him inside ….pushing him into the sofa and making him beg…
we walked slowly and he said… he liked that about me… but i was willing to bet hard cash that wasnt the reason he was there…. the temps had dropped significantly and it was really cold by the time we got to the hotel… ever the gentleman he invited us in to “warm up” … thats when his blackberry started ringing… alice and i stepped into the lobby and found a good people watching spot on a silk sofa… some little girls came over and asked to pet her… i smiled…picked alice up and let them take turns getting a good finger licking from the pup until there mom insisted they go… soon enough he came around the corner apologizing… i nodded … its ok…
i stood up next to him…
he looked me straight in the eyes and said… kinda bashfully…
im not sure what to do right now… where to take this…
and i looked right back at him and kissed him… and then kissed him again…and maybe a third time and maybe i bit his lip a tiny bit as i pulled away and said…
why dont we just leave it at that …
he hung his head a little smiled and nodded …saying…youre sooo great…
yeah i know…i replied rolling my eyes
truthfully…. one of the verrrrry first things i noticed when i saw him was that the ring was gone…but i couldnt say if it was in his pocket or not…and we both avoided the question…which im guessing pretty much answers the question….
i scooped up alice …turned round on the heel of those pretty chanel shoes… crossed the lobby of the willard and walked out….
xoxo
oh yeah…*guys take note* windows are like mirrors at night… he stood there and watched me walk away…i didnt turn around ….not even when i got to the revolving door…
…fuck me….or not as the case may be…
oh sugarbabies… a weekend is a terrrible thing to waste! whats that?? you dont have dinner plans?? no worries sugar…just follow these quick easy steps :
- get your hair done
- drop the top
- (this one is important) …get lost in great falls ( where the median home value 1.5million)
- agree to buy lunch in exchange for directions back to DC
- forget your wallet (doh!)
- agree to make it up to him and buy DINNER …IF he ever gets lost in your neck of the woods
- wait 24 hours for him to call saying he’s “lost” at the capital grille @ 6th and Pennsylvania
- agree to rescue him (and thank heavens you know a few of the staff so its not toooo weird that he somehow found your number -and trust me it aint easy-)
- pull a particularly sweet pair of pradas out of their box
- … let nature take its course….
xoxo
sugarbabies…
if..
- you decide to head across the street to the store for “sexy time supplies” because maybe…
- you got a teeensy bit too much sun while sunbathing naked on a yacht off the coast of florida last weekend…and…
- you decide youre in tooo big of a hurry to put on a shirt…
- cause a fella who may or may not have agreed to rub lotion on the bits you cant reach is on his way over…
- sooo…you grab the fur coat that is thrown over the Barcelona Chair ..and your umbrella …
and here is the lesson kids….
grab a fur coat …with a button… cause…holding your coat closed …with one hand and your umbrella with the other….leaves no hands available for grabbing sexy supplies at the store…. To anyone who saw my naughty girl bits in the Triple B the other night…(and most of you appeared to be visiting europeans soo i didnt get the impression you were especially scandalized) …. but to the others… ummm….oops… my bad.. but srsly?? this is DC sugarbabies… just cause its the baby oil aisle doesnt mean its safe for families…
xoxo
dear sugarbabies…..
the top 10 quotes from the weekend:
10: “lets totalllly do something cheap tonight” followed a few hours later later with: “ummm we are gonna need ANOTHER bottle of Dom P. please”
9 i just rocked the red roof inn… where is the limo?
8 we have commandeered a prom vehicle!
7 me: “put the bottle of vodka in your purse” ….
freckles: “ok but its uuugh PEACH”
6) me: we went shoe shopping @ Neiman Marcus…thats more intimate than sex….
rothko: ummm dont worry he prob still thinks the sex is more intimate
5) Butterscotch is my safe word
4) there is my favorite blond one! …(flattery and vodka tonics will get you everywhere)
3) we have rented a mansion on 16th st and we are planning a “rager” wanna come??? (OMG!! LNS has moved into my building!! )
2) i cant plan until i find a pair of sequined booty shorts
and drumrollllllll plllleeeaaaasssseee….. the NO. 1 Quote of the weekend comes from our friend freckles:
1) tell the driver to pull right up to the door….i want to show my Brittney
sugarbabies i party so you dont have to…
xoxo
sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…
Now where to begin??????
maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:
“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and quietly judging me”
or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…
“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”
seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money??? have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….
he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)
so theres that…
you say bitch...like its a bad thing...
or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…
(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)
i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….
i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….
i am verrrrry smoooooth….
xoxo
sugarbabies…
there are a LOT of reasons to buy original artwork…. one of my faves is …cause they ship it wrapped in enough bubble wrap to cover the ENTIRE bed….
xoxo
sugarbabies…
gambling…is addictive…
“roll the dice…sex,drugs, and rock n roll are my only vice….” -Everlast
im not usually one to gamble… i work hard for my money… so ..im pretty careful bout how i spend it…and well… i know the odds… and …thats what usually keeps me from gambling… MOST of the TIME…
..but…on occasion i get lured into a game… usually …if im tempted..
its with house money… nuthin to lose…those are pretty good odds…
even a sex kitten has a hard time saying no…
…but a kitten has to be careful…
because sometimes… the house money runs out… and if you arent done with the game…
you catch yourself investing a bit of your own…
and thats when…things get dangerous…
and kittens get skittish…
and …
well…
trips out of town get booked… and car keys get tossed about carelessly…
and the housekeeper starts shaking her head at the frequent requests for linen changes…
im afraid im not a brave girl…
and when that happens…i push back from the table..
i’m not sure i can afford to lose…
maybe i shouldnt have sat down at all….
and.. now here i am…in too deep to walk away….but…not far enough
to know if winning is really possible …
whats winning anyway??
the last one at the table??? the biggest bank roll at the end of the night???
maybe “winning” …
is just getting to play the game…getting invited to sit at the high stakes table….
and maybe just maybe …i should consider….
plunking down some cold hard emotional cash….
xoxo
sugarbabies..
take notes :
dont let any of the following facts stop the party:
- its a weekday…and the sun is coming up….
- that you both have to be at work in a few hours….(but babies…that poor thing he didnt quite make it into the office….bless his heart)
- that you have a plane to catch (another one leaves every two hours)
- that you have made out soo hard..that you have rubbed your nose raw….on his scruffy bits...(mmmmeoooowrrr…dont you just love boys sometimes…)
- that you need to leave a note for the housekeeper that says “boom chika wah wah” which loosely translates to “please wash the sheets”
and oh yeah…having one boy bring you coffee at 6 am so that you can be awake enough to have another boy bring you coffee at 7am….is wrong on sooo many levels…but …its what happened this morning…
and silly me…i thought mondays were good…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
evidently….i can be talked into just about annnny thing after enough wine and vodka….and if… after finishing off a decent bottle of red…i have a few vodka tonics….the idea might even be mine…
note to self: if you hare too tipsy to get your eyelashes on in three or four tries…for the love of all that is holy…stay home…curl up with some netflix…
soooo….
where were we??
- oh yes i was dwinking….check
- false eyelashes…check
- chanel lip gloss… check
- big barbarella hair…oh snap…check
- shoes that make mothers everywhere cry for their baby boys…. check
and im out the door… and in no time flat im… on a dance floor across town…
teasing more than my share of boys annnnd girls….
until a smarmy dude corners me at the bar and tells me im booooteeful…
umm thanks dude…
and that his wife (a tall blond in a low cut red dress … that looks like shed rather be in a turkish prison ….than this place)… lllurves me…..ok….cool…look i just wanted to dance and have a bit of fun..im not reallly into this stuff….
when over walks the party promoter…and calls me by name…hey suicide…we have misssed you!!!
….uhhh great….
i must have been reallllly fucked up…. because later i start gettting text messages from the smarmy swinger dude saying he has a saucy idea!!….somebody shoot me….
“lets exchange some pics …but only from the waste down….”
ewwwwww…. dude that is gross…i mean from the waist down is creepy …from the “waste” down…. welll…. we just wont go there… though…. i was tempted to send him a wicked pic of my kneecap… which everrrryone knows is my best feature…
this must have been what prompted me to throw my phone in a sewer drain….or whatever i did with it…cause the next morning…i have no idea where that lil piece of my heart has ended up…
and god must be punishing me….because my mac wont boot…im totalllly isolated…. AND i have to pack and leave town in less than two hours…
god bless….the business plan that now has the radio shack in my hood open at 9am on Sundays!! they found me a deal…googled an address for me… AND had a new blackberry in my grubby little paws…all in under 20 min….mad props…to the little kids employees in there who were soo helpful despite their own lil hangover issues!!…
soooo….anyway…that is a realllllly long way of saying…. if you know me …text me… cause right now i dont even have my mamma’s number…
xoxo
whats that sugarbabies???
youve never heard of a casting couch???
yes you have…youre teasing me….again…
silly….
of course ive slept with film makers….
hasnt everyone??? i mean its practically a civic duty…right??
well….these people talked me into it the first time...and yeah… id recommend it….
i mean really love… whats the worst that could happen…
youd have an italian filmakers love child…how darling would that be!!!
xoxo
sugarbabies…the call went like this:
hello???
…oh hey…yeah im sorry for not calling you back the last few days…
ok ok…yeah its been a few weeks..
me? ..oh im doing ok …well…not really….
let me just put it to you this way…
im at the office and im wearing sneakers…
umm..no not the cute Chanel golf shoes…the ones i wear for taking out the trash..
yeah no shit…
rock fucking bottom…
yeah..that would be bottom bitch to you lovah….
yeah right…a few gay men here nearly collapsed
something about hell freezing over and a tear in the space time continuum ….
the straight guy noticed that i’m short…and asked if somebody crossed the streams…
ha fucking ha…
oh it gets better…
yeah waaaay better….
how long have we known each other??
that long…sooo…
you know how i take out any stress on my….wait for it…. sugarbabies…wait for it….
HAIR.
soooo…yeah… if you ever grab a six dollar bottle of hair dye from the Triple B and think…umm whats the worst thing that could happen??? my hair will be a different shade of blond…
yeah… welll…. thats not exactly true…
umm..yeah it could turn several other shades of blond..including orangey red and ummm some grayish purpley shades in some splotches…
i know…i know…. but it costs 4 bennies every freaking time…
right..umm …good point..now it will be $406.00
i know i know….but…INSTANT gratification……they were closed …right??? hair salons should fucking be like waffle houses… yeah 24 fuck!ng 7 …. otherwise $hit like this happens…. of course i called him!……uhhh yeah….i have his cell….
fuck that…hes not a boy…hes a HairDresser…
hes my therapist for christ sake…
HELLO!!…. do you know how often i color my hair???? i see him more often than the dry cleaner….
yeah hes gonna meet me at my place…. but he lives all the way in mclean….and he is booked all day..so it will take a while
yeah…its that bad
housecall bad…
its like ive falllen into the abysss….
right??
sneakers…bad hair day… Sex on Wheels is in the shop….
oh but…let me tell you something…….
the good part about driving the loaner..
if somebody is checking you out at a light or something…..its SUCH an ego boost….
yeah …
no its totalllly different….
if youre in SOW you never KNOW if they checking out you….or the car…..
yeah and if the top is not down ..you know..folks have to REALLLY be interested to notice that my hair color is whacked off the chain..
i know, i know…im gonna start cruising in ghetto sleds…just for my ego….
i dunno whats your weekend look like??
im supposed to go to a party up in adams morgan…but… i dunno… ill prob duck out early…
yeah i know….NO…cause i think it sounds kinda nasty…like a stripper move…
….hitting bottom…
sounds like EVERY weekend
oh wait… that is slapping a$$ …whatever…yeah…im feeling a lot better…
yeah ..im gonna go put on some real shoes…
yeah there is a pair of pointy ass michael kors stilettos in the supply closet….the black ones with two ankle straps….they look like a dominatrix would wear em…
i know…i LOVE that in a shoe…
yeah..but im gonna look sooopa slutty cause….
i’m in khaki shorts and my johnny cash t-shirt.
i know..if i didnt know you better …id think this was one of those
“heavy breathing..what are you wearing phone calls”…
is it narcissistic of me to think everyone is looking at my hair??
i mean….youd be pressed to find a bigger attention whore than me…but still.
yeah your right…ok well … maybe no one will notice…
umm….i take that back…a guy in the office across the hall just drew a life size picture of me with sharpies..with purple and orange hair…and printed TRAGIC in this realllly expensive font i just bought across the top… and..umm..i gotta go..he is heading down the hall..to post it in the break room….yeah.
thanks
ok ..
talk to you later……
bye…
xoxo
sugarbabies!!!!! OMG we have sooo much to catch up on!!!!…
let me seee…. where to start????
should i start with…. tracing a little droplet of sweat down the spine of a pretty brazilian stripper with my pinky…while she was on stage…. ah yes….that night ended with an extra hundred bucks tucked neatly in the bra of my ample bosomed girlfriend….a trip to the ER at GW….where the detectives gave me and my bitchin Bestsy Johnson Tiger Fur Coat and 5 inch platform stilettos one of those up and down looks…pulled out their little notebooks and pencils (little pencils..hehehe) …and started the “witness interview” with …”Soooo you work at <insert name of strip club>” to which i responded..”could we hurry this up….i wanna be gone when his wife shows up”…
OR….
should i skip to a party with the beautiful people of dc…. i know… i know…. we dont realllly have beautiful people…but nonetheless…. every LA Wannabe and LNS popped collar in town made their way to ….wait for it…SHAW… to a slightly shady…..you know i looove that about a place….. former garage….now…. a trendy LA-ish lounge….. The Space….
OR…
maybe you wanna hear about …boys… the latest crop….
the good looking older man….who lives close by and cant believe he hasnt run into me before…he has potential… im pretty sure he was on a date when he slid me his card…. ummm suave…but he was soo cute i can prob forgive it….stay tuned…
the tooo young for me hot body…..that …. i teased all night…just cause… well…i was bored
the rockstar who wants to celebrate something…he’ll tell me when he sees me…. great…with my luck..he is pregnant…
the pretty boy from rio..who thought sofa meant sex…and got pouty when i handed him a blanket and a pillow… dude… SOFA…means SOFA….. i would never fault a boy for trying …but NO …still means NO… and when it comes to boys…pouting…..it just isnt sexy…. take it somewhere else…
OR
maybe…you have a fetish…. like mine….and you want to start with the new spring shoes! the Christian Louboutins that look like they will be my faves of the season…
they have already turned a few heads on the street (i even caught a certain good looking older man sneak a subtle double take) —- really they are smoking…they even got the approval of the gay cowboys….who gave me special permission to two-step on their dance floor in them…even though they are not cowboy boots…. just trust me … it was a high honor…. now if only i could two-step…
OR
maybe the TWO separate hospitals not including the GW ER incident…. that housed friends the last two weeks for unrelated but serious medical crap…that necessitated the sending of hi end flowers with cards that read….
just so you know…the mandarin oriental is less expensive AND has better linens….xoxo
OR
maybe the time when a freaking amazon lesbian accused my friend of …get this….i couldnt make this up… Biting her Finger….. oh sweet jjjjeeeeebus…… when the cops showed up …it happened to be a 1D officer i know pretty well… and the amazon lesbian went to jail! OMG….. the fun never stops…..
OR
maybe you just want to hear that it is officially that time of year…and i am once again… running around this town topless…and i have a wee bit sunburn to prove it….
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
for reasons i wont go into here and now…(this bitch is discreet if nothing else)…. i recently had occasion to be shopping at both Tiffany and Co. AND Cartier… personally i think Tiffany’s is *bitched…but whatever… at BOTH lil shops folks commented on my enamel and brass elephant bracelet..
pictured here…
cute right?? yeah i like it too… i wear it kind of often..
sooo….. i wasnt surprised when the salesgirl from cartier mentioned that she liked it…
what did surprise me …
was when a “girl” i can only describe as
Kim Kardashian with more crazy….and a harsh jersey accent …spoke up….
“i dont do vintage” she said…
then nodding at my bracelet…
“i’ve seen a bracelet like that before” she kept going…
“really???” i feigned interest … (i can be polite to a fault) ….. she kept going…
“i saw it at <insert name of expensive jeweler that specializes in estate jewelery> ” … she kept going..
“and if you ask me <note: no one had> 4k is tooo much to spend for something some other person has been wearing… maybe if it was platinum….or had some bling…i dont get that whole vintage thing?? its like goodwill or sum thang”….
my response was quick and casual….
“huummmm well… i can see why you might feel that way…..but this was a gift from <insert name of famous rockstar here> when we were together a few years ago…. it was his grandmothers.. he wouldnt take it back when we..umm…stopped seeing each other…even his mom told me to keep it…so i still wear it on occasion”
her eyes widened…her jaw dropped… “OH…well that is different -that’s family”
i pointed out that it wasnt MY family…. she looked confused… then asked if she could look closer…i extended my wrist…and gently slid my cashmere sweater sleeve up…..** she fondled the largest elephant with reverence…
“you can really tell the quality by the weight” she said ….unable to hide her new admiration for the chunky bit of jewelry she had rudely dismissed…
she left…mumbling something about heading back to the estate jewelry place for a second look at that “vintage crap” …..
i smiled and turned back to the sales girl …. who …..wisely…. had been quiet through the exchange…
“wow…when did you date <rockstar>” ?? …. she asked politely….
in the 90’s…. i replied…. but …we only went out a few times…
“and he gave you his grandmothers bracelet”??? she asked incredulously….
ummm..no…. this old thing??? i got it for 30 bucks at JCrew….
we both giggled….she might even have doubled over and given me a little girly fist bump that im sure they frown on in Cartier sales training…
— so to jersey kim—
suck it bitch…nobody asked you!
xoxo
ed notes
* -bitched- is how my friends and i described has been trends…. its a bad translation of a bad (local to barranquia columbia) slang spanish word… dont ask…
**that one was for you uncle keith
hi sugarbabies….
the green i know best ….cash…. and evidently…. i spent sooo much of it this past weekend….that my banker called today to make sure that all the transactions were “authorized“….seriously….my banker is cute as a button…a sexy, older, clooney-esque button…ive had a crush on him since the 90’s…. maybe that is what moved me to try to “explain” things as we went through the list of charges…
SAFEWAY ….at first i denied this one…ummm no i dont think thats me…where was it?? ….then i remembered picking up three boxes of diet mt dew and hitting the wine aisle in the burbs…..oh yeah yeah that one is ok
GALLERY PLACE (atm withdrawal)… yeah.. some walking around money..
LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah…i was trying to get them to name a new cocktail after me..i dont know…some brazilian fruit that i cant remember… haha…ok ill tell him to make it expensive…like me
ASIA 9: ummmm yeah…. they’re new…have you ever had sparkling saki??? or lychee martini shots?? no? umm yeah they were great..umm yeah they are kind of expensive….but i think there was sushi too and maybe tiramisu …i know that does sound like a nasty combination… seemed like a good idea at the time…
LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah after the lesbian club we went back there….no they comped us VIP style at the lesbian party… yeah… well…next time you come over ill take you…i know i know ….but no…it wasnt that kind of lesbian party….no it was more like a jerry springer episode…ok ok…next time you can be the judge….but reallly sugar…you should trust me on some of this stuff…
DUNKIN DONUTS: yeah that was prob me… (sour cream ..they are my fave… coffee sweet with lots of milk….in case anyone is taking notes)
GORDON BIERSCH: umm….yeah hangover pizza, love…
VALENTINO: yeah.. well i needed something to wear… yeah i know how much that is… youre absolutely right…i could have made the freaking dress out of money for less…. i know love… but…trust me… the way that dress hugs a curve is… priceless…
SUGAR DVD: ummm yeah thats ok too… a girl needs her PR0N….and … netflix is sooo *yawn* you know….vanilla…
FADO….umm yeah i know…frat boys but…its not LNS…and i had promised…. i couldnt get out of it…
IRISH CHANNEL… yeah that was me…i know i know….jeeezuz …youre not telling me anything i dont know…now youre my mom???
CLYDES: yeah ….well …. i was tired of irish people….. yes …. especially my family….
HAGEN DAZ …yeah… i didnt know they were open that late either!…girlfriend needed a dazzler…
TARGET…. yeah ..it just opened…it has this really cool “cart escalator” yeah it was already broken.. i cant wait til somebody leaves their kid in it… yeah well columbia heights is not MIT…
ITUNES…. yeah… the new erykah badu…. yeah it sounds like all her stuff…but…thats good cause i like her stuff… yeah..i accidentally bought it twice….what do you want from me???…i was dwinking…you can fix that?? sweet…thanks….
CVS: yeah… well.. pharmaceuticals love…
UNITED AIRLINES: yeah… thats mine…. yeah im stilllll on the road too much…im getting toooo old for it… no seriously..i am….whatever….
SAN JOSE HOTEL: yep… i know.. right??…boutique place that gets it … umm no im not gonna be in town for the NCAA tournament… yeah well dont tell …. course you can stay there…make yourself at home…but… i should warn you…. i think im out of toilet paper…you might want to go prepared…
you know its a good thing you arent a stalker…or psycho…you sure have a lot of information bout me there…really?? what does it say???…. no shit… cool….soo i could basically spend a few grand in vegas …and that wouldnt trigger anything??? thats funny…i hardly even go to vegas … soooo what DID trigger the system to red flag my account?? i mean …none of these charges seem out of the ordinary….
no problem take your time…
oh… YOU ARE $HITTING ME…. but… people do THAT alll the time… really?… youre kidding… sooooo youre saying i havent spent more than twenty five dollars in a grocery store on my debit card since 2003???– whats that like 4 or 5 years???? fuuuuuuck me…….
xoxo
sugarbabies…
GOOD: coming home after a late night out…. and sneaking a bite of ice cream straight from the carton before collapsing on the bed…
BAD: waking up in the morning to find said carton of ice cream in the ….wait for it…. refridgerator…
xoxo
oh sugarbabies….
it wasnt anything that 12 hours of sleep and a few mood leveling Grey Goose and Tonics… couldnt fix…. thanks for your well wishes… and….yes…everything is the color it should be now….
in an effort to lighten things up a bit…. well…
one of my fave bloggers…. decided that her life was more fun as a multiple choice quiz….. well i started thinking…and i decided that my life….is probably better as a comic… depending on well…..all kinds of crap…… maybe it will be a regular feature…
special thanks to:
glenn barr whose images of Avengah and i forget the name of the other one and i cant find it online.. i stole..errr umm borrowed
HIN to whom i credit the phrase “eyelash jujitsu” or judo in this case…and whose birthday im ashamed to admit..i overlooked….i suck… i know….
blueseaglass…..who i cant believe found that hot pic of the bond girl on the Playboy cover from Nov 1965….which by the way….i scored a super good condition copy of off ebay for like 7 bucks shipping included!! and no kidding the cover is truly only HALF the fun….sooo…if youre in my bathroom… be sure to pick it up…the centerfold…..is freaking priceless
xoxo
sugarbabies….
i just realized something about myself….
i dont go to the grocery store when i run out of groceries..
nope my cupboards can be pretty bare for weeks at at time….
i’ve got workarounds for that … last week i:
- ordered enough pizza and soda pop for two days
- ate an old box of raisins for dinner
- stole a roll of toilet paper from the office
- i have even been known to go on dinner dates with boys JUST to avoid going to Whole Foods….
nope…. i only go to the grocery store….. when i run out of…..
mixers…
some things a girl cant do without….
xoxo
ya gotta …or youll surely go to hell…right??? or is it heaven??? who can tell these days..sugarbabies…
i wrote this back during the summer…but never posted it…cause….i was feeling…uum… discreet….but aww fuck it y’all can have it…enjoy the long weekend…
the town is filling up with funny lil wannabe rockstars and their entourages hangers on groupies ..its been fun to watch sleepy lil austin start to wake up with the influx of all things music festival… technically it starts next week..but the ramping up has begun…austin is whitewashing her fences and…ok ok…..im getting away from the point here…
the reverend…hes hot or maybe a better word is kinda sexy…in that alt country older dude indie music way…. and well…we are allll sinners..right?? so i guess if you sin WITH the reverend or his deacons you can be forgiven pretty easily…and penance is surely not sooo bad… a few hail marys and sore knees ..(oops…. those may be from the sinning)
The catholic in me… (not like that.. assholes) …is always looking for a way out of the sin..ok ok..not true ..more like a work around for forgivness…that way i can go ahead with the sinning whatever the hell i want to do…
knowing that i can rationalize it to st peter..if he gives me any grief at the pearly gates…
personally im not too worried..i never met a door policy i couldnt manage….
(except maybe an older black lady guarding the bar of a “private event” at the kennedy center….and she wasn’t falling for any eye batting or slutty shoes)
so when the reverend horton heat and his deacons said ….
“hey cutie whats shaking back at your place the san jose ???
i was ready for him..
xoxo
ahhh sugarbabies….
its been ages since a porn post….. i suppose i just like to make y’all beg for em… so….well… by now…. youre all pretty familiar with my porn player troubles….if not… click here and then here ….sooooo
i convinced a boy… to attempt to return the porn player that “swallows” … to the 8th circle of hell….i mean..umm….. Best Buy…
once we get there…..he takes the porn player over to the geek squad desk… right at the front of the store…while i go to look for a replacement…
of course… he tells the geek squad a movie is stuck in the built in dvd player…
the geeks push some buttons..scratch their heads and push some more buttons….. right about the time i get to the tubo tax display… almost to the desk… one gifted geek pushes the right sequence of buttons…
and WHAM….
the “movie” starts playing….
of course when i say movie i mean hardcore fetish porn…this is not cheerleader porn….umm….no….its good old fashioned latex… whips and chains hardcore fetish stuff…* sigh* fun i know… i know!!!….
and it is playing…. at the front desk of the Geek Squad Station @ Best Buy…. yeah…
- the geek who pushed the button…. his jaw kinda hit the counter
- the “manager” of the counter ..well…. i thought she had a cardiac incident might easily have require full blown (he he he) medical attention
- the gay dude in line..winked at me…while waving his hand over his heart…
- the dude… i had convinced to return the tv with me……turned on his heels….. locked eyes with me and shouted……loudly…. …“suicide_blond…. you bitch … you’re the one who stole my dvd!!! “
you know what can be more fun than watching freak porn????
watching white nerdy folks freak the fuck out….when porn starts playing in thier Best Buy lobby…..
OMG…. you just can not pay for entertainment like that….
xoxo
hi sugarbabies….i just kicked back into a vodka tonic… like it was an easy chair... damn.. i love a good vodka tonic…
i wrote several posts last week..i just didnt POST any of them… when i re-read them they were…well… whiney…. who wants to hear a sex kitten whine???… *achem*… its just not sexy…. sooooo…
i deleted em all…. and poured a vodka tonic….
decided… that…in the words of one of my fave songwriters…
I’m not living like i should….
and if i had to sum up the last few weeks…..without whining….it would shake out kinda like this:
- i went to a lesbian party….just to feel xtra pretty….is that sooo wrong??
id believe in something if i could … but im not living like i should
- a hookah bar (yeah yeah..whatever…. it was a new neighborhood and i was happy to be anonymous for a bit)
i know that there will come a day… a heavy price i’ll have to pay
- waved at the crowds from a float in a christmas parade… ok ok..i wasnt a beauty queen…but i WAS …the cute-est “cindy lou who” there…. ok ok…i was the cute-est cindy lou who ..that was old enuff to have a vodka tonic on the float with her….
i keep pretending to be good…but im not living like i should
- worked…. more than usual….but yeah who cares im freaking glad to have job in this economy -decided not having an assistant is way better than not having a job..and its not THAT hard…if i have a few vodka tonics @ lunch
i let the mystery slip away… chasing foolish things all day
- met a cute boy in an unlikely place….. maybe more to follow… maybe not…
i say a prayer i knock on wood…. but im not living like i should
- defended the rights of go-go bars in dc with Freckles….jeez…i wish some folks would get a life…
i just wanted to be good… but im not living like i should
- crashed a party in my building… and “SCORED” 3 bottles of top shelf vodka from the bar… snuck onto the roof, committed a few misdemeanors (how naked can ya get before it is illeagal in dc??) and generally acted like teenagers…(some folks in my building are BAD influences..reallllly bad)
spin the bottle cap… throw a shot back…
- bought a fancy new dress that is cut sooooo…um…inappropriately…
but for whatever reason...people indulge slutty clothes if the cost is proportionally inappropriate….so ill be considered “well dressed” when in fact..ill just be “expensively dressed” – like a hooker- …note to self: stop fucking with people …just because you can…
a guilty woman where a child once stood….. im not living like i should
but….never fear sugarbabies…
i have it on good authority that santa baby.…kinda thinks it IS nice when im naughty…
xoxo
ps..the bold italic is not me…that is Slaid..i wish i was as clever as Slaid but…im not…thats why the good lord saw fit to give me great tits… “we alllll have our talents… and he expects us to use ‘em…” …. well… at least THATS what my aunt doris says..
sugarbabies…
i know i know… i complained a lot…but… last week.. i was on my own.. no A-cups….
by thursday night i was begging friends to search their purse for stray valium… thank god i have the kind of friends that
a) have stray valium in their purse and
b) are generous enough to share…
soooo… last week..i worked thirteen hour days… and not just lunching and cocktailing my way through the day..nope… i answered th phone, i filed (at least now i have an excuse for my bucked-up manicure), i even MADE MY OWN COFFEE…damn it…
little a-cups found a great new job…good for her…i suppose…i mean TOLD her to “look”… but damn… i thought it would take a while!!! damn damn damn…poor planning on my part what with the holidays and all…
oh fuck…now i sound like a whiny diva…sorry santa baby…
but damn… i think i am…and obviously it takes a “team”…to be this..umm…whats the word??… sane??
soooo this morning i promptly placed an add…
there has to be some college kid out there who wants to make the coffee and run “sex on wheels” through the car wash … i think… i could have done it last week… if it hadnt been for the coffee thing… a girl neeeds her caffine…. and cocktails….damn…i realllly wish i had time to make this clever and all…..well…..umm… it would be wayyy better if i had an assistant…
but… now…
…i have to go to Neiman Marcus….im gonna have to stock the supply closet myself…mother of god…this is dangerous…its freaking christmas time…. i should NOT be within 200 yards of a certain pair of patent leather valentino platform stilettos… this can only lead to sex reallllly bad behavior….
xoxo
sugarbabies…
traffic ..is just a fact of life around here… soo… best plan … make the most of it… have some fun…like me..this morning… when im bored.. and traffic is moving slow…
i like to play a little game i call……. Catch a Cowboy..
where i give myself six red lights to get a victim boy to ask for my number……
so this morning it went down like this….
930 am morning traffic…on constitution ave…at 6th street
dwight yokum in the cd player… yodeling away…
sex on wheels and i roll up to the light….next to …
a REALLLY big monster of a midnight blue… turbo diesel… extended cab…long bed…F-350 ..
with a cute little boy at the wheel… whose panties could stay dry next that???
sooo… i had locked onto a target…..
7th street …light…a little eyelash batting…some hair tossing… and i had his full attention…
9th street … light…hes trying to get my attention…
so…. i smile…. and shift gears…make a pouty face…as the light changes…
i buzz through a few greens…and worry for a moment that he might take out a pedestrian trying to stay with me…. sex on wheels is a little easier to maneuver in the city than his monster truck… but…he manages to bully his way through… and sidles up next to us…grinning… at the
14th street…. light…so … i smile and nod … put down my lip gloss
typical…now that he has my attention..he doesnt know what to do with me….hahaha… and he gets bashful…i know ive only got a few more lights to go… sooo….i take charge and ask him…
SB: “are you a cowboy??“
now hes completely flustered…. and its cute… and im having too much fun to stop …so … i push it into gear… knowing its sexy when i push in the clutch and nudge sex on wheels into first…and she growls a little…
he finallly comes back with… “do you want me to be a cowboy??” not THE best answer but it keeps him in the game…
soo… the light changes and sex on wheels and i give him a break…and let him ride along next to us to the next one..
In front of the Wash Monument…light…. i glance over at him all girlie and coy….
and replied…
SB: “well…you know…… there IS a test to see if youre a cowboy….do you wanna take it????“
he has no idea what to do with me… and he looks a little scared now…
this is fun…
he nods as the light changes…
he falls behind as traffic crowds him to get onto Virginia Ave… but he manages to catch back up by the time i roll to a stop at the 19th street light
SB: “first question… do you have any…rope???“
he blushes… really… he turned fevered red…and im willing to bet…he started sweating… it was a short light.. and it changed…..
now…ive got one light to convince him that he has what it takes…to ask for my number… and no guarantee that the quick succession of lights before i get to 66 will be red… so …im debating my strategy…. when he whips the big truck in front of me and sex on wheels... and angles it slightly…blocking the road…and jumps out!!!….
DAMN….the cowboy is blocking CONSTITUTION AVE at Rush hour!!!
damn..i never had this happen before…maybe hes not as afraid as i thought he was…
all i can think is….way to cowboy up… cutiepie…
he reaches out to shake my hand and says …
Cowboy: “hi maam…im cowboy ____ and id really like to buy you coffee….“
i counted that as a win…
soo hes going on about how hes never done this before… how hes not a serial killer… and hes pushing his business card into my hand…
so… i smile… and nod…. and bat my eyelashes….
and handed him one of my cards… it just says…
xoxo
sugarbabies..
its all about size..right??? sooo over the weekend…..i convinced bribed a boy…with promises of porn filled evenings… if he would go with me to buy a reallllly big television porn player… (“sex on wheels” can only handle about 18″ …. which …is not that big in the world of porn)…. sooo we climbed into his truck and headed to Virginia….where tvs are bigger and taxes are lower….
but alas….it seems jesse janes dvd
is sooo hot it freaked out the built in dvd player in the new porn player(pp).
worst part…. the machine wouldnt give back the disc it had swallowed… a primo piece of andrew blake…art porn…
so what did we do??? naturally … we stuck ANOTHER movie in the slot… (insert your own “slot” joke here)
you can guess what a good plan that turned out to be…
now the fucker had TWO good dvds…and…
refused to barf em back out…great….
sooo..we decided the new pp was prob. cursed… morman… or at the very least anal retentive…im pretty sure thats what freud say bout it swallowing my porn…and not “returning” it…right???
we boxed that whack job back up….and hauled the monstrosity back to the store…
porn and all..
the GEEK SQUAD was called in to try to retrieve the dvds from the locked jaws of the new porn player…but….
they were not successful…
bad strategy on my part..i told em what was in there…..like they were gonna try very hard after they heard that…i bet soon as i left..they ripped that bastard apart…
soooo
a new porn player (pp) was purchased…
and socks…
ahhhh…life is good…
when your feet are warm and your pp is working…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
a few reasons that today doesnt suck….
- last night had dinner with a few girls and a cute group of boys…. the cutest of which was only about… ohh.. 16 inches tall… and a snuggler (no worries..that is NOT a clock ticking…)
- dragged ….. the cutest (over 16 inch tall) of the boys home with me…
- had a great breakfast….. the most important meal of the day…
- ran into a friend on a realllly early morning coffee run… when i ordered TWO coffees… she looked at me over the top of her glasses .. i looked back at her… over the top of my glasses… and replied……boom chicka wah wah…
- found my missing fionna apple cd
- rode into the office (topless) singing along loudly
ive been a bad bad girl…ive been careless with a delicate man…and its a sad sad world… when a girl will break a boy ..just because she can
- when i got to the office… someone had brought in bagels..
..what can i say…all that umm.. “breakfast”..
a girl can work up an appetite..
xoxo
I have a stripper name…ok ok…technically i have a pornstar name..but im using stripper cause way too many of my recent posts have involved porn …. (as IF you can have tooo many porn posts)….but anyway…
i figured out kinda early in life (thank the sweet bebe jesus) that if i was gonna run around… this blond… AND rocking a stripper name…
i was gonna be coming at the world (or at least DC) from a place a little left of center….
and in traveling this “road less traveled” …. i had better be able to make my OWN way… carry my own bags… pump my own gas… and pay my own bills….
Im stubborn to a fault and my only REAL option was gonna be to become a pornstar…alas…. the name was taken…so that just left work FOR myself.. …
I can work WITH …just about anybody…im crazy easy going that way…. but if somebody starts TELLING ME WHAT TO DO…oh boy does that bother the shit out of me… so sue me i dont take direction well….
it is semantics really…
you can ASK me to do ANYTHING…. i have a terrible time saying no… thats one reason im so slutty…..the other is because i hate to disappoint people …..it has something to do with a deep seated psychosis that comes with growing up in the south….. but again…i digress….
who was gonna take me seriously over at chase manhattan or the world bank?? not that chix dont do well in the corp world…they do…..but…… slutty over sexed blond ones that like to sleep late and that have problems with authority…. well…not so much…
trust me i tried..it was fun.. but…in the end…i wanted to come in late be the boss of things…..
maybe it makes me a control freak…but frankly… i think it was just because i was always usually right.. but corporate folks would just dismiss me as the slut chick…. that kinda shit would drive me bonkers.. and if i made a fuss..then i was just the emo slut chick that was crazy…
it took a couple of false starts but eventually i found a spot where i could use my natural talents, and i hate to disappoint you here *see above….. but im not talking about the ones that involve knee drops…
and make a decent living….
doing something i love ……so …
when i found myself…. thinking that maybe the security of a “regular” job and paycheck on friday would be nice… it took me a few min. to remind myself.. that im the girl who:
- turned down two serious marriage proposals over the past few years
- lives in the city…. but doesnt lock the doors
- drives a veritable rocket with no seat belt and no top.. (on the car people….and…for the record i had nothing against seat belts until the government made them freaking mandatory….rrgh)
- wears dangerously high heels everywhere…
- can’t commit to a round trip airline ticket
- still sunbathes at the beach (cancer?? whats cancer??)
maybe there are things in this world that i value more than “security”… ya think???
maybe a big part of being sooo blond..is being free…
maybe what thoreau said is true…
“All good things are WILD and FREE”
soooooo…. would that mean allll the
BAD girls things are wild, free and BLOND….
xoxo
oh sugar babies..im in texas…. Austin..Texas…mostly it is great… and dont get me wrong…its one of my verry fave places in the world…
the beer is cold, the food is hot, the music is live…
but you better get here fast……the face of austin is changing…and i cant imagine that it will be for the better…. it reminds me of poor jenna jamesons new face lift.. its trying too hard…pulled too tight…. the collagen doesnt help either..not that shes ugly..shes just not the same…shes over done…
the cranes over downtown Austin are slapping up luxury loft style conds everywhere…and the bungalows we’ve always adored here… are being torn down…granted they are putting in cool mod homes….and y’all know i have weakness for all things moderne…but… that only makes me more conflicted…
Austin has always been cool… BUT not necessarily hip.. cool doesnt go out of style… but things that are hip today..are by definition NOT hip tomorrow…. and the hip factor here is pretty high right now… and well…hip is heavy……. and austin might just find she is falling in on herself tomorrow…
in the meantime… im enjoying it while i can…. and having wayyyyy more fun than i deserve… and you should hurry up and get here while
- you can still find yourself in an old dance hall …with no AC…. drinking a beer..at 1pm….yeah!
- cowboys still wear starched shirts and ask you to dance
- football fans here are still fanatics.. hook em horns!
- you can still have a cigar with kinky…. i love kinky
- you can still hear steve earle & reckless kelly on the radio…
- you can still buy a nice little house for about 150k
- you can still get a migas plate at magnolias 24/8..sorry we’re open
- you can still get a Fat Bob..(a burger with a fried egg on it…no shit & its good as hell) at the hills cafe
- you can still get ANY food ..fried… including avacado and cheesecake…yummers…
i dont know what will happen in Austin.. but i sure do hope…she stays independent, spirited, and weird…
xoxo
or… how to score a free tank of gas…
sooo yesterday…im out in the burbs.. and rocking my new MARNI platform, peep-toe, pumps ( i love alliterations)….the black and brown ones.. the ones with a five inch heel on a two inch platform.. the ones that can only really be called expensive Hooker Heels… but damn i like it up here..so i doubt im coming down anytime soon..
as worn here..by kimberly stewart… she is not a hooker either..she just dresses like one too…
anyway…. i pull into a reston exxon station…..and well….. leering fellas start coming out of the woodwork…
i was in a hurry…..but..like my mama taught me…. smiled politely, batted my eyelashes (i cant help it im a shameless flirt) and answered their questions…
some about the vanity tag, some about “sex on wheels”, some about me….
i finished pumping (gas.. you assholes) and went inside to pay…. the paunchy middle aged men boys followed me in… more questions..more polite smiles and
- “yes..she is very fast”….
- “yes…she keeps me in trouble” ….
- “yes..she has a manual transmission”
- “yes she is a lot of car for a little girl like me”…
- “yes thats why i need these platform shoes..so i can reach the pedals”..
the whole time i knew what they really wanted to ask was… “how much?” … and i dont mean for the car..
when they had finally paid for their sodas and honeybuns…and couldnt think of any more small talk….they wandered back to their respective cars..
i shook my head at Joon… the cashier/manager… he was smiling…
“ah..suicide_blond…. you soo good for business…. you no pay today…. it is my treat…”
i looked confused..and thought maybe one of the boys had “picked up my tab”... but no…
joon continued..evidently..he was SURE ..that after i had flirted shamelessly talked to them so politely… they would alll be back for weeks hoping to run into the blond in the euoropean sports car and the f-me pumps!!! boys…whatever…
lol…i had just scored him four new regulars…
and me…a free tank of supreme…
with gas prices what they are..i think Gloria Steinem would understand.
xoxo
Take A Shot