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oh sugrbabies!! have you been behaving yourselves??? i thought not… me either… crazy right?? … who would have thought id be rain soaked and cold on a friday afternoon in June… when im in DC? the gods must be crazy…
speaking of…
lets see…
i know you want the goods….soo… lets see what i ve got for you….
the actor… well… between our schedules… we’ve barely had a chance to see each other…. oh well… maybe when the run is over we will get a chance to make up for lost time…on a beach… in Cali…fingers crossed… reservations made…
i know iknow iknow..you are dying to hear about “the party” the one with the good invite…but you’ll have to wait…sorry to be a tease but…no time to write it all down just yet…but … it wasnt disappointing! if for no other reason than the unexpected celeb factor…oh my…
the latest obsession im totallllly in love with these… someone order them for me …pretty please!
the entertainment lawyer… he lives in NYC… we met in TX …our first date was in LA… seems like he can keep up…but i have to ask myself….can i? seriously…all this stuff has me feeling like a week in my own bed with some netflix…would soooo be in order right about now…
the roommate… welll i know what youre thinking… reallly?? a roomie?? for you?? no way! …but yes….i know i know… silly kids…shes great…you hardly know she is there…( i did make it very clear …she cant share my shoes) she doesn’t eat my food (i dont have any there anyway!) shes neat, quiet, doesnt care what is on the tv…doesnt drink my vodka…and yes shes a wee bit on the young side…and yes shes kind of a bitch… like me…and yes we totallllllly stop traffic when we are out on the street together….but as far as roomies go shes perfect…so… we are getting used to each other…her name is alice.
more soon …i promise…
xoxo
sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…
Now where to begin??????
maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:
“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and quietly judging me”
or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…
“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”
seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money??? have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….
he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)
so theres that…
you say bitch...like its a bad thing...
or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…
(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)
i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….
i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….
i am verrrrry smoooooth….
xoxo
suagarbabies…
“you have to wait here…YOU are NOT family”…. thats what the tiny hood rat at the front desk said to me…smacking her gum..her hip thrown out to one side her hand thrown up in a “talk to it” gesture…..
i shit you not…thats what she said….
as they wheeled my best friend of all time away from me… fast…they were throwing tubing and bags and grabbing rolling equipment..and i watched til they turned the corner…
for a little while i felt like i was wasnt completely helpless as i gave the intake nurse his insurance info and medical history…..guess they dont care WHO gives them the billing info…
then i paced… malcolm in the middle was on the overhead tv… and the only magazine was a dog eared year old copy of AARP …..but i couldnt focus enough to see the print anyway…
then after about 45 min… i was mad..
real mad …. i seethed when lunch was delivered from a local chinese place and they waved the delivery guy back to the nurses station….. they munched on egg rolls…while i wondered if my best friend was alive? cold? scared? dead?…. ok..i understand they dont want me in the dr’s way….hell i dont WANT To be in the dr’s way if they are doing something …but… umm…NOBODY can tell me whats going on???
they gossiped…they commented on his tattoos…. whispered that they recognized him…took a few calls on their cell phones from their boyfriends…i mean technically they werent allowed to have their cell phones…so a work around had been devised… when the ringers went off in their “storage area” they would go get them and then walk to the edge of the carpet to talk about …whatever…
i kept playing it over in my head….you are not family…you are not family….
what the hell do these people know about family???? they dont know him they dont know me..they certainly dont know about our “family”….they dont know:
that his parents are assholes and kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay
that i moved in with him for several months a few years ago when he first got cancer…to take him back and forth to chemo and to care for him after the treatments left him a mess…
that he gets realllly scared at hospitals… i mean you really only have to go through cancer treatments once for hospitals to leave a bad taste in your mouth…three times… and well…. you’ll pretty much freak out when they try to put an iv in your arm too…
that when i needed it..he offered to let me live with him…rent free… for as long as i needed (seriously… isnt THAT family)
that we both leave our estates to each other in our wills…
that we have known each other since back when you could see a show at the bayou..the 9:30 club was downtown… the black cat was “that new place”…posuers was THE place to be…coke was cool… reallly…that long…
that if anything ever happened to me… thats who id want next to me at the hospital…waaaay before id want any of my “family”….
that we are “porn buddies“…
that we wear wedding bands on chains around our necks as symbols of our friendship and because if you are not married in this society ….everyone assumes you are missing something…we know better than that
i stood in the doorway to the nurses station….staring at them… clutching his shirt and wallet… i waited… and waited… i fought tears…
i twittered…
and then.. i did what i do best…
i got my way… the way i do best…
i spied a dr looking dude… and made eye contact… i gave him a half smile frowny face…
and yeah….he came over…
when he asked if i needed help…
i nodded and let a few of the tears roll down my cheeks… he put his arm around me …all i said was..
you have my best friend back there…and i just want to know if he is ok…..
he went and got me new tissues…. he checked on my friend… he escorted me past the hood rat… past the nurses station… past the trash can full of chinese take out boxes…
when i got to his room..we both broke down and cried…
the dr came to talk to me….explained that it was a good thing we got to the hospital soooo fast…(my friend chuckled from his bed about sex on wheels…MAYBE being worth alll the trouble she puts me through!) the dr. said that he could maybe go home tomorrow night…i told the dr i wasnt leaving…and she smiled.. and had the orderly move a more comfortable chair into the room….
sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…
but i swear … the whole thing…. made me agonizingly aware of the magnitude of not allowing gay partners to marry…i know that gay couples go through this kind of thing often… and … its awful… i cant really imagine it…two hours and i was near crazy…
step back folks…it isnt about having two dudes or two chicks on the top of a cake…. it isnt just about having a “wedding” …..it isnt about what “your god” preaches…..its about being legally defined as family….. not having to explain to a 17 year old receptionist who cant even tie her shoes..(she was born in the age of velcro) … what FAMILY is… cause reallly… its none of her business…
xoxo
ps.. these folks have taken up the fight…. i support them ..i hope you will too…
oh sugarbabies….
it wasnt anything that 12 hours of sleep and a few mood leveling Grey Goose and Tonics… couldnt fix…. thanks for your well wishes… and….yes…everything is the color it should be now….
in an effort to lighten things up a bit…. well…
one of my fave bloggers…. decided that her life was more fun as a multiple choice quiz….. well i started thinking…and i decided that my life….is probably better as a comic… depending on well…..all kinds of crap…… maybe it will be a regular feature…
special thanks to:
glenn barr whose images of Avengah and i forget the name of the other one and i cant find it online.. i stole..errr umm borrowed
HIN to whom i credit the phrase “eyelash jujitsu” or judo in this case…and whose birthday im ashamed to admit..i overlooked….i suck… i know….
blueseaglass…..who i cant believe found that hot pic of the bond girl on the Playboy cover from Nov 1965….which by the way….i scored a super good condition copy of off ebay for like 7 bucks shipping included!! and no kidding the cover is truly only HALF the fun….sooo…if youre in my bathroom… be sure to pick it up…the centerfold…..is freaking priceless
xoxo
oh sugarbabies…..
i’m in such a bitchy mood ..that i didnt even flirt smile at the cute new guy in my office building…nope i just sashayed by him straight to the fridge for my
fifth mountain dew-code red.. of the morning…
ok assholes..i know…. its not even eleven am…. and im not sure… but i think all that code red is the reason but my pee has turned a really pretty color of mint green… despite code red being …umm..red…. it was soo pretty that i thought was a new tidy bowl shade….but umm…no it wasnt… so….thats TMI right?
whatever….. i TOLD you i was feeling bitchy…i even told you not to read this post!!
sooo there is no reason you should still be reading…
youre such a freaking masochist
cause im just gonna bitch about how fucked up it is that NONE of my current projects are in the same TIME ZONE that i am in….
AND my throat is sore…
AND its raining out…
AND christ…did you see the state of the union???
AND i forgot to send my netflix back so i have to watch sucky cable tonight…
AND let me just warn you…im about to head home to bed…whatever the fuck you do…. DO NOT…be between me and that cozy sweet spot under the covers that i am heading for…ill run your ass over without even a wink…
AND if you have my number and you dare to call or text me…i will prob delete you forever from my life…
or …. turn off the phone ..which is pretty much the the same thing….
AND dont give me any of that …tomorrow is another day at Tara crap… ill claw your eyes out…
still here???
jeeezuzz… i love you.. thanks…i needed that……
xoxo
sugarbabies….
i just realized something about myself….
i dont go to the grocery store when i run out of groceries..
nope my cupboards can be pretty bare for weeks at at time….
i’ve got workarounds for that … last week i:
- ordered enough pizza and soda pop for two days
- ate an old box of raisins for dinner
- stole a roll of toilet paper from the office
- i have even been known to go on dinner dates with boys JUST to avoid going to Whole Foods….
nope…. i only go to the grocery store….. when i run out of…..
mixers…
some things a girl cant do without….
xoxo
ahhh sugarbabies….
its been ages since a porn post….. i suppose i just like to make y’all beg for em… so….well… by now…. youre all pretty familiar with my porn player troubles….if not… click here and then here ….sooooo
i convinced a boy… to attempt to return the porn player that “swallows” … to the 8th circle of hell….i mean..umm….. Best Buy…
once we get there…..he takes the porn player over to the geek squad desk… right at the front of the store…while i go to look for a replacement…
of course… he tells the geek squad a movie is stuck in the built in dvd player…
the geeks push some buttons..scratch their heads and push some more buttons….. right about the time i get to the tubo tax display… almost to the desk… one gifted geek pushes the right sequence of buttons…
and WHAM….
the “movie” starts playing….
of course when i say movie i mean hardcore fetish porn…this is not cheerleader porn….umm….no….its good old fashioned latex… whips and chains hardcore fetish stuff…* sigh* fun i know… i know!!!….
and it is playing…. at the front desk of the Geek Squad Station @ Best Buy…. yeah…
- the geek who pushed the button…. his jaw kinda hit the counter
- the “manager” of the counter ..well…. i thought she had a cardiac incident might easily have require full blown (he he he) medical attention
- the gay dude in line..winked at me…while waving his hand over his heart…
- the dude… i had convinced to return the tv with me……turned on his heels….. locked eyes with me and shouted……loudly…. …“suicide_blond…. you bitch … you’re the one who stole my dvd!!! “
you know what can be more fun than watching freak porn????
watching white nerdy folks freak the fuck out….when porn starts playing in thier Best Buy lobby…..
OMG…. you just can not pay for entertainment like that….
xoxo
sugar babies… file this one under TMI.. despite her advancing age… it appears Sharon Stone still gets her period…
i stole borrowed this pic from a real blog..
xoxo
Hey Girl…
I know that you are new in town.. that you have just moved here from a podunky little town um.. Fairfax…. and that you are still trying to figure out how to be cool in the big city and all… so…i have cut you some slack up until now…
but … if you continue to bring attitude flash bitch at me when i say hello to you at the door or mailbox…
well..that may not be the best course of action for you … i mean be smart about this….
..i just mean … that it IS COOL to treat people well… and youd be well served to learn that lesson kinda quick.. in the big city… you need all the help you can get….i mean your blond..(not as blond as me obviously) but blond.. and women (especially blonds…and super especially… single in the city blonds) should support each other…
i dont have much patience for women that are too insecure to be friends friendly with other women… its just sooo umm.. looser...9th grade…
anyway… so…if you cant flash a smile or nod..maybe acknowledge me when i say good morning….. well…
maybe ill stop putting your mail by your door when Mr. H puts it in my box by mistake…
or maybe i’ll mention to Mr. H (you prob dont know his name…but he is our postman) that you are… you know ..not nice… i bet he would “forget” to deliver ANY of your mail…
he doesnt like you already -because youre new and it takes several years for him to like ANYONE-
and mind you, his delivery is only spotty when he DOES like you…
he naps in the alley most days..he doesnt care if you like it or not….he is gonna retire next year….sooo…..go ahead complain to his supervisor… he will only laugh at you…
if you cant lighten up:
i wont tell you where to put your trash so that you wont run into that nest of rats “street puppies” in the back alley….you know the ones by YOUR window… the ones that always seem to get into the unit YOU rented if ANYBODY leaves the back door ajar.. bet you dont realize that… YET…
if you lock yourself out i wont be able to tell you where the spare key is hidden…
i wont ask Mo (the parking garage manager) to hook you up with a deal on the monthly fee…
i wont tell you which pizza place delivers to our building
or how to get into shows across the street for free..
i wont be able to tell the MAYOR … ( hes the homeless dude who kinda rules allll the homeless dudes in our hood) that you are cool… and if he doesnt think you are cool…. well… i dont think you’ll like the neighborhood nearly as much….
i know.. i know… you could figure allllll this stuff out on your own… but the way i see it..why should you have to reinvent the wheel.. im willing to bring you up to speed.. i suppose thats just the kinda girl i am…
i guess what im trying to say…is….well sugarpie…. the ball is in your court…..
and oh yeah…. one more thing…
that black dress thing you were wearing last night makes your ass look HUGE… really hon…girlfriend to girlfriend.. retire that shit…
xoxo
sb
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