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sugarbabies…
sooo…on a recent beautiful fall day…i decide i should totallly drop the top…
sitting at the light at constitution and 6th i press the button… german machinery initiates a sequence of events that puts the top neatly away in a rear boot … i shake my hair out into the crisp air…reach for my skim soy iced latte and make the turn….a cyclist slides too close into my lane…i hit the brakes harder than i like to..pirelli tread is sooo expensive… my coffee dribbles… great… i reach over to the center console…which because of my size is actually kinda behind me…. without taking my eyes from the road …i start hand hunting for leftover fast food napkins… i can feel them…but the wind picks up and they are blowing out the top…Alice leaves her comfy shotgun post to kinda jump about in pursuit of said napkins… christ… im gonna get a littering ticket i think as an MPD Cruiser pulls in behind me and flashes the lights… i push my raybans up onto my head and turn to secure alice…. thats when i realize….
the “napkins” that were flying out the top of my car as i drove along constitution ave… were the andrew jackson variety…it was a veritable sex kittens stimulus package… lucky for me… its NOT actually illegal to have money flying out of your car …just… you know… ridiculous…
xoxo
sugarbabies!!!
we have some catching up to do! so we better get started…
let me see… after what will be from hear on out known as the chipmunk assault of 09… during which Sex on Wheels was parked quietly minding her own business while i was traipsing about <read-taking the metro> (thats right bitchez!! in 2009 im alll about riding the PT Cruiser {Pub Trans} ) a family of those lil fuckers got busy and chewed all her hoses/wires/belts… now… i dont know if you have replaced hoses wires and belts on a sexy european sports car before (i have a feeling a few of you have) … but …it rang in at almost 6k..
holy rascally rodents batman!
damn.. there goes any sort of vacay this year right?? but NO …..thank you baby jesus… karma… fate ….or insurance adjuster who has a thing for blondes… but yeah …the insurance company covers it…. whod have guessd??!
whew…
sooooo…. while sex on wheels was suffering certain indiginties associated with rodents and a lube job…. i made my way… in my loaner car (a chevy equinox that had best not be the hope of the american car industry) to a dealer across town…just to …you know…
see what was sexy on his lot…
i ran my fingers over a red ferrari in the show room…and told him the make and model i was looking for… and…ummm… sir… she HAS to be convertable….
ah i have JUST the car for you! his eyes lit up….
after looking her over i pointed to another convertable across the lot…
Oh he said kind of hanging his head you prob dont want that one…its a manual transmission
silly boy… if there is one thing i know how to handle … its a stick…
i left…
more soon sugarbabies…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
evidently after a vodka tonic…a perfect sidecar…and a few stoli doli’s at the capital grille…i can be talked into almost anything…and thats how i ended up at a lingerie show…made exxxtra classy by the fact that not just the models but also the FOOD were supplied by the infamous -read: topless- …crystal city diner…
we arrived fashionably late…and i was soon whisked into the makeup tent… so that a solid B lister of an infamous DC drag queen could glam up my make up… sorry kids…i know i know…but i showed up with a (gasp) bare face… and well im all about keeping it sexy….so…. 10 min later i have what the drag queen is calling a “smokey eye” and what i refer to as tammy faye gone streetwalker… but… whatever… everybody looks pretty under hot pink lights…um ok…almost everybody…
smile sugarbabies
after fingering a bit of burlesque-y beaded bits from this boutique
and confirming that a certain vintage chanel ring i have can indeed be repaired with a cute georgetown jeweler….
i headed home… i was double dating (going out more more than once a night) … i finally rolled home and crashed around 3am…
at 7 am..
there was an unfamiliar nuzzle on the back of my neck…
umm.. oh hai! iz forgot youze here…
the older gentleman next to me was asking for a morning romp…. i found the leash …threw my fur coat over my sweats … & we headed out… for a quick jaunt to the nearest flower box for some business… i figured folks were looking at how his fur kinda matched my fur…. and noting that his “pimp walk” (read: hip dysplasia ) was tight and thinking to myself….
yeah bitchez we coordinate…. and …wow my head hurts bad…
yeah… ummm it didnt even occur to me…
that last nights “smokey eye” had slid about an inch to the left and a half inch down…
the only thing i can say…is …umm…if you noticed a homeless looking cruellla deville walking the streets of dc bleary eyed with a gimpy older pup on sunday morn ….ummm my bad… im sorry sugarbabies….but being a sex kitten…. well…it is not ALL bon bons and bacon…
xoxo
sugarbabies….
you know what vexes me about the anti abortion movement???
they swell their numbers with children…they bus in thousands middle school and high schoolers… like it is a sort of macabre field trip…and use them to inflate their numbers…what are the kids supposed to do???…it is their chance to “come to Wash DC”… to me …it is a bit like enlisting child soldiers…using brainwashed emotionally vulnerable children to fight your battles doesnt seem right… yeah ummmm its a complex issue busing in your babies seems ummmm…. not ok…
and on a side note…gathering under my window to shout orders to your child soldiers at 630 am…also not ok…for some reason….of alll the protests that go on here….they are the only ones that consistently get this bit wrong…
sooooo ummmm sugarbabies if you happened to notice a sleepy eyed scantily dressed sex kitten on the stoop this morning…pointing out to the leaders of this particular crowd…that if they moved two feet to the left they would be shouting in front of an empty lot and NOT my bedroom window……yeah….ummm maybe i should have put on a robe or a snuggie or something…but… umm whatever…. my way worked….i mean…you shoulda seen em…. i had their FULL attention…
maybe i should have shouted something more poignant….than “get off my lawn”
xoxo
sugarbabies…
if..
- you decide to head across the street to the store for “sexy time supplies” because maybe…
- you got a teeensy bit too much sun while sunbathing naked on a yacht off the coast of florida last weekend…and…
- you decide youre in tooo big of a hurry to put on a shirt…
- cause a fella who may or may not have agreed to rub lotion on the bits you cant reach is on his way over…
- sooo…you grab the fur coat that is thrown over the Barcelona Chair ..and your umbrella …
and here is the lesson kids….
grab a fur coat …with a button… cause…holding your coat closed …with one hand and your umbrella with the other….leaves no hands available for grabbing sexy supplies at the store…. To anyone who saw my naughty girl bits in the Triple B the other night…(and most of you appeared to be visiting europeans soo i didnt get the impression you were especially scandalized) …. but to the others… ummm….oops… my bad.. but srsly?? this is DC sugarbabies… just cause its the baby oil aisle doesnt mean its safe for families…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
i’m pregnant….i know its the last thing you expected…me too….
Happy New Year
ok ok
im just messing with you…but realllly i do mean the happy new year thing.. and im wishing alll kinds of good (and naughty) things for you all in the new year..
i just talked to my Dr. and im pretty sure that the INSANE case of PMS that i’ve had for several weeks that caused me to cry uncontrollably for almost a week…awesomeness… is merely the result of the new pill she put me on..
“oh yeah thats a common side effect” …..she told me alll casually…
like i hadnt spent the last few weeks believing myself to be completely loosing my grip …doing alll i could to avoid friends and parties…and… generally feeling like a blonder ann sexton (with better shoes of course)….
fucking the hells??
bitch couldnt have mentioned that????????
i decided to hate her..but…..i suck at that sooo i just burst into tears…
to which she replied…
im calling the pharmacy now… new pills AND some valium…
see… now i heart her…
soo if the mood swings dont kill me.. ill be blaming my red eyes on the chlorine….. as i head down to sit on santas lap in the swanky hot tubs of miami..
you kids dont wait up
xoxo
urgency – the state of being urgent; an earnest and insistent necessity
necessity – the condition of being essential or indispensablehurry, haste – a condition of urgency making it necessary to hurry; “in a hurry to lock the door”imperativeness, insistency, press, insistence, pressure – the state of demanding notice or attention; “the insistence of their hunger”; “the press of business matters”criticality, criticalness, cruciality – a state of critical urgency
urgency – pressing importance requiring speedy action; “the urgency of his need”
importance – the quality of being important and worthy of note; “the importance of a well-balanced diet”sharpness, edge – the attribute of urgency in tone of voice; “his voice had an edge to it”imperativeness, instancy – the quality of being insistent; “he pressed his demand with considerable instancy”
its not the kind of thing that youre supposed to want…..but then….ive always been hard to shop for…
xoxo
…great…
of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…
i need to eat something….what time is it??
3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….
ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….
yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….
do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning
here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….
glamour is a rocky road….
perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….
Skin flicks… lipstick… baby scribbles in the mirror…
i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…
and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…
damn these boots are hot ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me
drama overdoses….
yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…
i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..
it feels kinda good…
no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..
i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..
chickie babys gone off the deep end
pain….plain ole predictable foot pain… that im in CONTROL of….
is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…
and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…
no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….
god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….
i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf
change get back to the beginning…
i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..
i wanna get outta here…now…
change… go back to the beginning…
emotional honesty as bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …
i want out of here….
thoughtless words are like shadows…
where the fuck is my overnight bag???
where is my phone???
hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???
ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.
god dammit im outta soda pop…
i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…
from a world where words… are like graven images
zip these fucking boots up…
yeah im feeling a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….
bag? check.
lip gloss? check.
credit cards? check.
cell phone? check.
turn off the heat.. Check.
damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ‘em and fuck him tooo…
we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….
ok im out…
—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..
no he didnt just call me sweetness….
fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….
” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”
it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…
@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”
FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc
“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me! fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!
butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…
buses… roadies… a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….
where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…
change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….
born into a life where pain is your very best friend…
fuck… missed the light…there is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…
one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…
unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….
this town is toooo fucking small….
its the way of the wicked…
green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…
theres no time for love….
im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…
theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..
xoxo
****editors note****
i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..
xoxo
dear sugarbabies…..
the top 10 quotes from the weekend:
10: “lets totalllly do something cheap tonight” followed a few hours later later with: “ummm we are gonna need ANOTHER bottle of Dom P. please”
9 i just rocked the red roof inn… where is the limo?
8 we have commandeered a prom vehicle!
7 me: “put the bottle of vodka in your purse” ….
freckles: “ok but its uuugh PEACH”
6) me: we went shoe shopping @ Neiman Marcus…thats more intimate than sex….
rothko: ummm dont worry he prob still thinks the sex is more intimate
5) Butterscotch is my safe word
4) there is my favorite blond one! …(flattery and vodka tonics will get you everywhere)
3) we have rented a mansion on 16th st and we are planning a “rager” wanna come??? (OMG!! LNS has moved into my building!! )
2) i cant plan until i find a pair of sequined booty shorts
and drumrollllllll plllleeeaaaasssseee….. the NO. 1 Quote of the weekend comes from our friend freckles:
1) tell the driver to pull right up to the door….i want to show my Brittney
sugarbabies i party so you dont have to…
xoxo
sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…
Now where to begin??????
maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:
“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and quietly judging me”
or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…
“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”
seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money??? have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….
he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)
so theres that…
you say bitch...like its a bad thing...
or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…
(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)
i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….
i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….
i am verrrrry smoooooth….
xoxo
i dropped my fave MARNI platform stilettos off at the cobbler this morning for a little sole soul…
i feel like a mom who just left her baby at the first day of kindergarten…
i know they will be ok…but i have to keep telling myself that the cobbler is qualified, and that the funny looks were just because they obviously think anyone wearing THOSE shoes and driving THAT car is a stripper …and they feel sorry for me ’cause im getting a bit old to be stripping for a living…NOT because they were planning to steal my shoes…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
i think i had a wee breakdown this morning…im not sure..
is that what you call it when:
you are packing for a quick trip home…to vist your sick mom…and while your packing you realize you need outfits for not one but two funerals…and you havent been to the dry cleaner and you get soo mad at yourself for not picking up your black “funeral pants” the day before and you start throwing clothes on the bed… and then you sit down and cry and ….then you have to clean up the mess and now you are late AND puffy eyed.. and you STILL dont have anything packed …and you tell yourself your not gonna go to either funeral..fuck it…and then you start crying again because of course you are gonna go… and nobody cares if you wear the black pants with the slightly wider cut leg… and … you put them in the bag…and of course you knock over the bottle of water that is on the dresser… so you cry a little more… and you talk out loud to the dead…and you tell them how angry you are at them…for leaving you here …for leaving all the people that love them… that you dont want to have to look their kids in the eye… and … you look at the clock and realize that you are late…but ironically (or not) it is still waaay too early to start drinking….. and then you cant bring yourself to throw out the drooping roses on the table.. even though you know that coming home to them dead and rotting is gonna put you over an edge… and then… just for a little cherry on top…you hide the key to your house in a new place because you are gonna do something you ONLY do when youre planning a night of boom chicka wah wah…
lock the door….
because your house isnt quite as safe as it was yesterday….
and lastly as you traverse the 6 to 1 slope of the parking garage in your 5 inch platform stilettos… your overnight bag, briefcase, and laptop…a concerned construction worker asks if you are gonna be ok…
and you almost start crying AGAIN when you reply
“thanks love ..but this is the easiest thing I’m gonna have to do for days…”
i mean really sugarbabies what do you call that???
xoxo
sugarbabies…
gambling…is addictive…
“roll the dice…sex,drugs, and rock n roll are my only vice….” -Everlast
im not usually one to gamble… i work hard for my money… so ..im pretty careful bout how i spend it…and well… i know the odds… and …thats what usually keeps me from gambling… MOST of the TIME…
..but…on occasion i get lured into a game… usually …if im tempted..
its with house money… nuthin to lose…those are pretty good odds…
even a sex kitten has a hard time saying no…
…but a kitten has to be careful…
because sometimes… the house money runs out… and if you arent done with the game…
you catch yourself investing a bit of your own…
and thats when…things get dangerous…
and kittens get skittish…
and …
well…
trips out of town get booked… and car keys get tossed about carelessly…
and the housekeeper starts shaking her head at the frequent requests for linen changes…
im afraid im not a brave girl…
and when that happens…i push back from the table..
i’m not sure i can afford to lose…
maybe i shouldnt have sat down at all….
and.. now here i am…in too deep to walk away….but…not far enough
to know if winning is really possible …
whats winning anyway??
the last one at the table??? the biggest bank roll at the end of the night???
maybe “winning” …
is just getting to play the game…getting invited to sit at the high stakes table….
and maybe just maybe …i should consider….
plunking down some cold hard emotional cash….
xoxo
sugarbabies….
lots of stuff in life these days….is fast…and getting faster…
sex on wheels cruises nicely around 90… and my new aircard (when i can get all four bars) is lightning fast (woot!)…summer…flew by like it was on a rocket…
now dont get me wrong…most days..i love the fast lane…
it may be where i feel most comfortable…its what im used to…i rarely sleep in the same bed more than two or three nights in a row…
but then there are the other days…
when you just wanna slam on the brakes..and catch your breathe… and maybe… stay in bed alllll day…tangled up in sweaty sheets with a lanky cowboy…
and on those days…well…sometimes it feels like im just doing what i can to hold on…
sooo….while its not uncommon to find me running through an airport… this time…
amazingly…
i couldnt tell you WHY i was running…
i wasnt late…
i had my ticket…
i had cleared security…
i had a good thirty min til the first boarding call…
but i definitely felt compelled
…to run…
and well… ask ANYONE who knows me…. running….is NOT something i do…
nope…
i cant think of a single time before … when i have ever felt compelled to run…
mild OCD causes me to rearrange the fridge more often than i like to admit…but …running…not so much
yet…here i was…
5 inch louboutins be damned…tumi bag over my shoulder…running…
i just wish i knew…
…sugarbabies…
if i was running AWAY from or TOWARD…
…something…
and while i cant be sure…
truthfully ….
i suspect it was a little of both…
xoxo
“Ive got a little mama she is really built for speed
all shes got to do is ask me & i give her what she needs
she likes to take my hot rod out at night
she likes to park it where its dark and tight..
faster faster pussycat lets go…
faster faster..she dont want to go slow…”
-Pink & Black
sugarbabies…
evidently….i can be talked into just about annnny thing after enough wine and vodka….and if… after finishing off a decent bottle of red…i have a few vodka tonics….the idea might even be mine…
note to self: if you hare too tipsy to get your eyelashes on in three or four tries…for the love of all that is holy…stay home…curl up with some netflix…
soooo….
where were we??
- oh yes i was dwinking….check
- false eyelashes…check
- chanel lip gloss… check
- big barbarella hair…oh snap…check
- shoes that make mothers everywhere cry for their baby boys…. check
and im out the door… and in no time flat im… on a dance floor across town…
teasing more than my share of boys annnnd girls….
until a smarmy dude corners me at the bar and tells me im booooteeful…
umm thanks dude…
and that his wife (a tall blond in a low cut red dress … that looks like shed rather be in a turkish prison ….than this place)… lllurves me…..ok….cool…look i just wanted to dance and have a bit of fun..im not reallly into this stuff….
when over walks the party promoter…and calls me by name…hey suicide…we have misssed you!!!
….uhhh great….
i must have been reallllly fucked up…. because later i start gettting text messages from the smarmy swinger dude saying he has a saucy idea!!….somebody shoot me….
“lets exchange some pics …but only from the waste down….”
ewwwwww…. dude that is gross…i mean from the waist down is creepy …from the “waste” down…. welll…. we just wont go there… though…. i was tempted to send him a wicked pic of my kneecap… which everrrryone knows is my best feature…
this must have been what prompted me to throw my phone in a sewer drain….or whatever i did with it…cause the next morning…i have no idea where that lil piece of my heart has ended up…
and god must be punishing me….because my mac wont boot…im totalllly isolated…. AND i have to pack and leave town in less than two hours…
god bless….the business plan that now has the radio shack in my hood open at 9am on Sundays!! they found me a deal…googled an address for me… AND had a new blackberry in my grubby little paws…all in under 20 min….mad props…to the little kids employees in there who were soo helpful despite their own lil hangover issues!!…
soooo….anyway…that is a realllllly long way of saying…. if you know me …text me… cause right now i dont even have my mamma’s number…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
by request….especially for this fella…
picture it…
a late sat afternoon drive to the country….the top is down the sun is hot but its on its way down….so the heat isnt tooo bad…
no…its just about right…
the road is lonely…and due to a dependable bit of intel… i know that it is shift change for the boys in blue along this lil stretch of pavement… sooo… i push in the clutch…(which is kinda hard…cause ive already pulled off my shoes and even with the seat as far forward as it goes…my toes just barely reach to push it all the way to the floor) i slide her into 6th….and turn up the music…
life doesnt get much better than this…
i throw my hands over my head for a fews seconds…look…mom…no hands!…. the alignment is perfect…she doesnt even pull a tiny bit….i put my hands back on the wheel…ahead of me …waaaay ahead..i spy another vehicle…a big one…they dont allow big rigs on the greenway and so its a bit unusual to see something that big..on this stretch of pavement….
im gaining pretty fast…steering with one hand.. and trying to get my tangle of hair back into some sort of ponytail with the other….
im closing in…its an RV… pulling a gear trailer… i have enough friends in bands to recognize this as musicians on the road….hmmmm….i get a little closer i see the writing on the back of the trailer…
odd….quotes from some ole rock and roll….
i pull up alongside….
“keeping the dream alive” plastered alll over the side…
its an RV full of Elvis impersonators…and…wait for it….
they are waving …(i know what you’re thinking…srsly?? but sugarbabies i couldnt make this shit up)
right then… a gust of wind catches my top…
up goes my shirt…
The Elvis at the wheel…honks and give the thumbs up!…
i drop …my hair.. push my top back down… and wave….
push it to the floor… zooommmm away….
Keeping the Dream Alive…indeed….
xoxo
ironically..my fave elvis show…Elvez…will be at the black cat august 15 with his infamous…ElVez for Prez show… its ALWAYS a good time..worlds will collide…i recommend it to one and alll…
sugarbabies….
charity is more than a pornstar from the 80’s…on a recent sat. morning im working my way through my first quarter tax stuff….and i find a fairly large-ish amount allocated to Charitable Donations….while i do make chartiable donations….i generally remember them..and this one just wasnt ringing any bells with me… soo.. i pace… i scratch my head..and finally knowing its gonna bother me until i figure it out…and fearing another brush with id theft…i get in the car and head to the office… to look up the donation…
after a wee bit of investigating… i realized that my tax fella ….(who is older and obviously not that hip to the fashion scene) had assumed that all of my spending at TRUE RELIGION was charitable….
i giggled to myself…then said out loud…suck it uncle sam!!…
i mean seriously bitchez…the way these jeans make my ass look is totalllly charitable….
xoxo
suck it uncle sam...and not in the pervy way..in the sucky way
sugarbabies…the call went like this:
hello???
…oh hey…yeah im sorry for not calling you back the last few days…
ok ok…yeah its been a few weeks..
me? ..oh im doing ok …well…not really….
let me just put it to you this way…
im at the office and im wearing sneakers…
umm..no not the cute Chanel golf shoes…the ones i wear for taking out the trash..
yeah no shit…
rock fucking bottom…
yeah..that would be bottom bitch to you lovah….
yeah right…a few gay men here nearly collapsed
something about hell freezing over and a tear in the space time continuum ….
the straight guy noticed that i’m short…and asked if somebody crossed the streams…
ha fucking ha…
oh it gets better…
yeah waaaay better….
how long have we known each other??
that long…sooo…
you know how i take out any stress on my….wait for it…. sugarbabies…wait for it….
HAIR.
soooo…yeah… if you ever grab a six dollar bottle of hair dye from the Triple B and think…umm whats the worst thing that could happen??? my hair will be a different shade of blond…
yeah… welll…. thats not exactly true…
umm..yeah it could turn several other shades of blond..including orangey red and ummm some grayish purpley shades in some splotches…
i know…i know…. but it costs 4 bennies every freaking time…
right..umm …good point..now it will be $406.00
i know i know….but…INSTANT gratification……they were closed …right??? hair salons should fucking be like waffle houses… yeah 24 fuck!ng 7 …. otherwise $hit like this happens…. of course i called him!……uhhh yeah….i have his cell….
fuck that…hes not a boy…hes a HairDresser…
hes my therapist for christ sake…
HELLO!!…. do you know how often i color my hair???? i see him more often than the dry cleaner….
yeah hes gonna meet me at my place…. but he lives all the way in mclean….and he is booked all day..so it will take a while
yeah…its that bad
housecall bad…
its like ive falllen into the abysss….
right??
sneakers…bad hair day… Sex on Wheels is in the shop….
oh but…let me tell you something…….
the good part about driving the loaner..
if somebody is checking you out at a light or something…..its SUCH an ego boost….
yeah …
no its totalllly different….
if youre in SOW you never KNOW if they checking out you….or the car…..
yeah and if the top is not down ..you know..folks have to REALLLY be interested to notice that my hair color is whacked off the chain..
i know, i know…im gonna start cruising in ghetto sleds…just for my ego….
i dunno whats your weekend look like??
im supposed to go to a party up in adams morgan…but… i dunno… ill prob duck out early…
yeah i know….NO…cause i think it sounds kinda nasty…like a stripper move…
….hitting bottom…
sounds like EVERY weekend
oh wait… that is slapping a$$ …whatever…yeah…im feeling a lot better…
yeah ..im gonna go put on some real shoes…
yeah there is a pair of pointy ass michael kors stilettos in the supply closet….the black ones with two ankle straps….they look like a dominatrix would wear em…
i know…i LOVE that in a shoe…
yeah..but im gonna look sooopa slutty cause….
i’m in khaki shorts and my johnny cash t-shirt.
i know..if i didnt know you better …id think this was one of those
“heavy breathing..what are you wearing phone calls”…
is it narcissistic of me to think everyone is looking at my hair??
i mean….youd be pressed to find a bigger attention whore than me…but still.
yeah your right…ok well … maybe no one will notice…
umm….i take that back…a guy in the office across the hall just drew a life size picture of me with sharpies..with purple and orange hair…and printed TRAGIC in this realllly expensive font i just bought across the top… and..umm..i gotta go..he is heading down the hall..to post it in the break room….yeah.
thanks
ok ..
talk to you later……
bye…
xoxo
suagarbabies…
“you have to wait here…YOU are NOT family”…. thats what the tiny hood rat at the front desk said to me…smacking her gum..her hip thrown out to one side her hand thrown up in a “talk to it” gesture…..
i shit you not…thats what she said….
as they wheeled my best friend of all time away from me… fast…they were throwing tubing and bags and grabbing rolling equipment..and i watched til they turned the corner…
for a little while i felt like i was wasnt completely helpless as i gave the intake nurse his insurance info and medical history…..guess they dont care WHO gives them the billing info…
then i paced… malcolm in the middle was on the overhead tv… and the only magazine was a dog eared year old copy of AARP …..but i couldnt focus enough to see the print anyway…
then after about 45 min… i was mad..
real mad …. i seethed when lunch was delivered from a local chinese place and they waved the delivery guy back to the nurses station….. they munched on egg rolls…while i wondered if my best friend was alive? cold? scared? dead?…. ok..i understand they dont want me in the dr’s way….hell i dont WANT To be in the dr’s way if they are doing something …but… umm…NOBODY can tell me whats going on???
they gossiped…they commented on his tattoos…. whispered that they recognized him…took a few calls on their cell phones from their boyfriends…i mean technically they werent allowed to have their cell phones…so a work around had been devised… when the ringers went off in their “storage area” they would go get them and then walk to the edge of the carpet to talk about …whatever…
i kept playing it over in my head….you are not family…you are not family….
what the hell do these people know about family???? they dont know him they dont know me..they certainly dont know about our “family”….they dont know:
that his parents are assholes and kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay
that i moved in with him for several months a few years ago when he first got cancer…to take him back and forth to chemo and to care for him after the treatments left him a mess…
that he gets realllly scared at hospitals… i mean you really only have to go through cancer treatments once for hospitals to leave a bad taste in your mouth…three times… and well…. you’ll pretty much freak out when they try to put an iv in your arm too…
that when i needed it..he offered to let me live with him…rent free… for as long as i needed (seriously… isnt THAT family)
that we both leave our estates to each other in our wills…
that we have known each other since back when you could see a show at the bayou..the 9:30 club was downtown… the black cat was “that new place”…posuers was THE place to be…coke was cool… reallly…that long…
that if anything ever happened to me… thats who id want next to me at the hospital…waaaay before id want any of my “family”….
that we are “porn buddies“…
that we wear wedding bands on chains around our necks as symbols of our friendship and because if you are not married in this society ….everyone assumes you are missing something…we know better than that
i stood in the doorway to the nurses station….staring at them… clutching his shirt and wallet… i waited… and waited… i fought tears…
i twittered…
and then.. i did what i do best…
i got my way… the way i do best…
i spied a dr looking dude… and made eye contact… i gave him a half smile frowny face…
and yeah….he came over…
when he asked if i needed help…
i nodded and let a few of the tears roll down my cheeks… he put his arm around me …all i said was..
you have my best friend back there…and i just want to know if he is ok…..
he went and got me new tissues…. he checked on my friend… he escorted me past the hood rat… past the nurses station… past the trash can full of chinese take out boxes…
when i got to his room..we both broke down and cried…
the dr came to talk to me….explained that it was a good thing we got to the hospital soooo fast…(my friend chuckled from his bed about sex on wheels…MAYBE being worth alll the trouble she puts me through!) the dr. said that he could maybe go home tomorrow night…i told the dr i wasnt leaving…and she smiled.. and had the orderly move a more comfortable chair into the room….
sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…
but i swear … the whole thing…. made me agonizingly aware of the magnitude of not allowing gay partners to marry…i know that gay couples go through this kind of thing often… and … its awful… i cant really imagine it…two hours and i was near crazy…
step back folks…it isnt about having two dudes or two chicks on the top of a cake…. it isnt just about having a “wedding” …..it isnt about what “your god” preaches…..its about being legally defined as family….. not having to explain to a 17 year old receptionist who cant even tie her shoes..(she was born in the age of velcro) … what FAMILY is… cause reallly… its none of her business…
xoxo
ps.. these folks have taken up the fight…. i support them ..i hope you will too…
sugarbabies…
even blonds have bad days… like this morning the time i was driving down constitution ave… and when i pushed the clutch with my left foot….it went to the floor with nary annnnny resistance at all….
ahhhh shit….damn it sex on wheels…. dont die…. dont leave me… i need you… i cant get out of this town without you…im NOT leaving you behind…im NOT leaving you HERE… you hear me?? youre too important to me… you were voted best engineered car by a fancy magazine…. what would i do without you????? we are a team…a tiny little topless hard driving sexy six gears double clutching catching boys off guard team…..and….well…. i know you’ve never heard me say it but…. i love you… there…i said it and i dont care who hears me…i LOVE YOU…. please please…. thats good….thats right…. you can do it… if we can just get over the bridge….i think we can make it…
to be continued…..
xoxo
oh sugarbabies…weekends are for warriors…not sex kittens…….
Wed (hump day): invited to join fun friends for drinks…at 7…soooo i came home put on a pretty frock, powdered my nose, pulled the tangles out of my hair….. and fell fast asleep…. didnt wake up til 930 the next morning..on top of the covers still in my frock and false eyelashes…thats f-r-O-c-k..you kids have such dirty minds
damn…
Thurs (lil Firday): worked a wee bit… went in late…cause i slept til 930..but i didnt count it as sleep because i wasnt under the covers…it isnt restful..if you arent snuggled in…so i didnt actually get out of bed…til 1030… then spent the best part of the day at a power lunch drinking martinis…went home early… big lunches make me sleepy
…yawn….
Fri: standing on a street corner when a cute boy spotted me… he circled back .. and i convinced him to take me to the grocery store!…score! sooo with a weekends worth of cheddar cheese and Life cereal… the pressure was off to find any dates to feed me…so… i had drinks only… and was tucked into bed early…under the covers this time..not that passed out sprawled out on top… as is prone to happen on friday nights
Sat: early morning text message from boy: “lets drop the top and get fucked up” how could i say no to such a romantic offer…alas… the agent for the loveshack (emphasis on shack!)called ….what do you think..should i buy a teeny lil love shack on the river that needs “some tlc” about 15k in work???? i dont know either sooo i got up wery wery early… drove west for 45 min… and dipped my toes in the shallow part of the shenandoah …and then came back… grabbed the boy… and proceeded to order mimosas…only of course we asked the ‘tress to serve ‘em in big ole pint glasses….so she wouldnt have to keeeep refilling us every two min..then.. . finished up with a girlfriend at my fave watering hole …. and i was again… tucked in before the “douching hour”…ed note…”douching hour” starts around 10 am in my neighborhood during hockey playoff season….
Sun: i was in bed (under the covers) when i get a text from a friend…he is back in town… just getting into a cab @ airport… i texted back in my sleepy text voice… i havent had coffee yet…he showed up on my doorstep..made me breakfast…. kissed my cheek and left to go check into his hotel…seriously… ive got that one trained just about perfectly!! i didnt leave the house all day…kittens dont like rain…soo…i watched lifetime movie network while surfing the net… and discovered:
1) the pope wears prada: hes totally jacking my style with red leather prada shoes…but whateves..if a creepy ole german guy is gonna have a fetish..i suppose an italian shoe one is about as vanilla as they come…its also rumored he sports some serengeti and gucci shades… is benny a label whore?? speaking of whores…and when i say whores i mean hot chicks…
2) guess who is STARRING in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS??…. YEP..our girl jenna jameson…. the campy horror film stars our fave lil pornstar …or whats left of her…. personally….i think it looks fun… and the cute Roxy Saint should be worth it alone…as the goth stripper who WANTS to be a zombie..cause it will make her uber-gothy.. i think it has opened in limited release…so you folks in NYC check it out for me and give me reviews…it isnt here yet….and from the looks of it may not get wide theater release…
i know….kinda dull..but sugar please….. even sex kittens get sleepy…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
SEX KITTEN 101:
if you are a blond sex kitten in french stilettos… dancing with a sooopa sexy tiny lil’ black girl — telling boys that you are “girlfriends” — doesnt do much to disuade them from trying to dance with you…
SEX KITTEN 103:
The GOOD Thing about living next door to a club:
if you run out of toilet paper at 3:30am… they will loan you a roll
The BAD part:
it will be one of those industrial sized rolls and will be kicking round in your powder room for years….
and…..in the tradition of overheard in dc: or eavesdrop dc…except these happened to me:
1) from creepy dude with snotty attitude sitting on a fountain with large boa constrictor wrapped around him with the head coming up from between his legs and kinda swaying…
when my girlfriend was startled:
Creepy dude: “What youve never seen a guy holding a snake before??”
Me: ummm..yeah… ive seen lots of boys hold thier snakes…..just never one sooo small….
2) Cute guy friend as we are walking home from dinner:
my yoga instructor has been checking out my MATCH.Com profile…does that mean she is into me? (i dont know why this one struck me funny but it did…mostly cause my yoga instructors have mostly all been crazies…)
3) drunk girl digging in her purse for her ID
..my handbag is like a warzone!!
4) lamest pick up line of the work week… from guy sitting next to me at a bar
this IS my “im available” outfit…is that your “im available” outfit??….
5) lamest pick up line of the weekend…from super young super prepster at THE Space
him : wow… you look smart
me: wow… you look drunk
xoxo
sugarbabies!!!!! OMG we have sooo much to catch up on!!!!…
let me seee…. where to start????
should i start with…. tracing a little droplet of sweat down the spine of a pretty brazilian stripper with my pinky…while she was on stage…. ah yes….that night ended with an extra hundred bucks tucked neatly in the bra of my ample bosomed girlfriend….a trip to the ER at GW….where the detectives gave me and my bitchin Bestsy Johnson Tiger Fur Coat and 5 inch platform stilettos one of those up and down looks…pulled out their little notebooks and pencils (little pencils..hehehe) …and started the “witness interview” with …”Soooo you work at <insert name of strip club>” to which i responded..”could we hurry this up….i wanna be gone when his wife shows up”…
OR….
should i skip to a party with the beautiful people of dc…. i know… i know…. we dont realllly have beautiful people…but nonetheless…. every LA Wannabe and LNS popped collar in town made their way to ….wait for it…SHAW… to a slightly shady…..you know i looove that about a place….. former garage….now…. a trendy LA-ish lounge….. The Space….
OR…
maybe you wanna hear about …boys… the latest crop….
the good looking older man….who lives close by and cant believe he hasnt run into me before…he has potential… im pretty sure he was on a date when he slid me his card…. ummm suave…but he was soo cute i can prob forgive it….stay tuned…
the tooo young for me hot body…..that …. i teased all night…just cause… well…i was bored
the rockstar who wants to celebrate something…he’ll tell me when he sees me…. great…with my luck..he is pregnant…
the pretty boy from rio..who thought sofa meant sex…and got pouty when i handed him a blanket and a pillow… dude… SOFA…means SOFA….. i would never fault a boy for trying …but NO …still means NO… and when it comes to boys…pouting…..it just isnt sexy…. take it somewhere else…
OR
maybe…you have a fetish…. like mine….and you want to start with the new spring shoes! the Christian Louboutins that look like they will be my faves of the season…
they have already turned a few heads on the street (i even caught a certain good looking older man sneak a subtle double take) —- really they are smoking…they even got the approval of the gay cowboys….who gave me special permission to two-step on their dance floor in them…even though they are not cowboy boots…. just trust me … it was a high honor…. now if only i could two-step…
OR
maybe the TWO separate hospitals not including the GW ER incident…. that housed friends the last two weeks for unrelated but serious medical crap…that necessitated the sending of hi end flowers with cards that read….
just so you know…the mandarin oriental is less expensive AND has better linens….xoxo
OR
maybe the time when a freaking amazon lesbian accused my friend of …get this….i couldnt make this up… Biting her Finger….. oh sweet jjjjeeeeebus…… when the cops showed up …it happened to be a 1D officer i know pretty well… and the amazon lesbian went to jail! OMG….. the fun never stops…..
OR
maybe you just want to hear that it is officially that time of year…and i am once again… running around this town topless…and i have a wee bit sunburn to prove it….
xoxo
hi sugarbabies….
the green i know best ….cash…. and evidently…. i spent sooo much of it this past weekend….that my banker called today to make sure that all the transactions were “authorized“….seriously….my banker is cute as a button…a sexy, older, clooney-esque button…ive had a crush on him since the 90’s…. maybe that is what moved me to try to “explain” things as we went through the list of charges…
SAFEWAY ….at first i denied this one…ummm no i dont think thats me…where was it?? ….then i remembered picking up three boxes of diet mt dew and hitting the wine aisle in the burbs…..oh yeah yeah that one is ok
GALLERY PLACE (atm withdrawal)… yeah.. some walking around money..
LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah…i was trying to get them to name a new cocktail after me..i dont know…some brazilian fruit that i cant remember… haha…ok ill tell him to make it expensive…like me
ASIA 9: ummmm yeah…. they’re new…have you ever had sparkling saki??? or lychee martini shots?? no? umm yeah they were great..umm yeah they are kind of expensive….but i think there was sushi too and maybe tiramisu …i know that does sound like a nasty combination… seemed like a good idea at the time…
LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah after the lesbian club we went back there….no they comped us VIP style at the lesbian party… yeah… well…next time you come over ill take you…i know i know ….but no…it wasnt that kind of lesbian party….no it was more like a jerry springer episode…ok ok…next time you can be the judge….but reallly sugar…you should trust me on some of this stuff…
DUNKIN DONUTS: yeah that was prob me… (sour cream ..they are my fave… coffee sweet with lots of milk….in case anyone is taking notes)
GORDON BIERSCH: umm….yeah hangover pizza, love…
VALENTINO: yeah.. well i needed something to wear… yeah i know how much that is… youre absolutely right…i could have made the freaking dress out of money for less…. i know love… but…trust me… the way that dress hugs a curve is… priceless…
SUGAR DVD: ummm yeah thats ok too… a girl needs her PR0N….and … netflix is sooo *yawn* you know….vanilla…
FADO….umm yeah i know…frat boys but…its not LNS…and i had promised…. i couldnt get out of it…
IRISH CHANNEL… yeah that was me…i know i know….jeeezuz …youre not telling me anything i dont know…now youre my mom???
CLYDES: yeah ….well …. i was tired of irish people….. yes …. especially my family….
HAGEN DAZ …yeah… i didnt know they were open that late either!…girlfriend needed a dazzler…
TARGET…. yeah ..it just opened…it has this really cool “cart escalator” yeah it was already broken.. i cant wait til somebody leaves their kid in it… yeah well columbia heights is not MIT…
ITUNES…. yeah… the new erykah badu…. yeah it sounds like all her stuff…but…thats good cause i like her stuff… yeah..i accidentally bought it twice….what do you want from me???…i was dwinking…you can fix that?? sweet…thanks….
CVS: yeah… well.. pharmaceuticals love…
UNITED AIRLINES: yeah… thats mine…. yeah im stilllll on the road too much…im getting toooo old for it… no seriously..i am….whatever….
SAN JOSE HOTEL: yep… i know.. right??…boutique place that gets it … umm no im not gonna be in town for the NCAA tournament… yeah well dont tell …. course you can stay there…make yourself at home…but… i should warn you…. i think im out of toilet paper…you might want to go prepared…
you know its a good thing you arent a stalker…or psycho…you sure have a lot of information bout me there…really?? what does it say???…. no shit… cool….soo i could basically spend a few grand in vegas …and that wouldnt trigger anything??? thats funny…i hardly even go to vegas … soooo what DID trigger the system to red flag my account?? i mean …none of these charges seem out of the ordinary….
no problem take your time…
oh… YOU ARE $HITTING ME…. but… people do THAT alll the time… really?… youre kidding… sooooo youre saying i havent spent more than twenty five dollars in a grocery store on my debit card since 2003???– whats that like 4 or 5 years???? fuuuuuuck me…….
xoxo
sugarbabies…
GOOD: coming home after a late night out…. and sneaking a bite of ice cream straight from the carton before collapsing on the bed…
BAD: waking up in the morning to find said carton of ice cream in the ….wait for it…. refridgerator…
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
its probably the vodka talking…but whatevs … you deserve it…. youve been xxxtra patient with me…
you deserve a post….
soooo ive been sick…i know youre allll tired of hearing it…. not as tired as i am of battling the flu ebloa virus …but…. tired… sooo ….. a few times i managed to drag myself out of bed and stir up trouble… a couple of times…i thought i was better for a day or two… then BAM…back to bed with boxes of PuffsUltra… its the little in between bits that im gonna try to put down in words here… maybe a list would work?? ill try…in no particular order…..
- went to brunch at 12:30 at a tex mex place….and it ended at 1:30 am crashing a corner vip booth and getting felt up by lesbians in a club….with quick side trips to a swanky furniture store and a crowded irish pub…..some days…. the party starts early….
- spent valentines day with this fella…. whatever…. he was persistent….and sweet…
- accidentally called a clients laptop…his porn player… in a big ole business meeting…. as in… “here *dude* (not his real name) pass me your porn player….i know how to make it work for you “…..when the room went dead silent…. i then added…ever so professionally… “umm…. i guess…..thats what she said?”…. in spite of… or because of?? not sure which… i still got the job…
- pretty sure i gave myself heavy metal poisoning … trying to eat cracker barrel cheese and instead eating a bunch of the wrapper…. yeah i know…must be a blond thing….
- kissed a boy from NYC…prob gave him the Ebola virus…oops sorry dude…
- found myself
drivingskidding across the TR Bridge during a random winter storm that pretty much reduced “sex on wheels” to a very expensive sled… if not for the weird as hell hours that i keep… im sure i woulda totally crashed….DO NOT WANT!!! - encountered the following
clusterfuckminor setbacks trying to make Lemmonex’s champagne pear cupcakes- no mixer in my kitchen
- no grater in my kitchen
- no cupcake tin in my kitchen
- no measuring cups
- no measuring spoons
- no knife (ok ok … there are a few butter knives and two steak knives that i stole from the austin grill…fucking classy eh??)…i know the recipe doesnt call for knives..but at this point….i wanted to stab something…
- no mixing bowls (only chinese rice bowls… go figure)
- couldnt open the champagne bottle ……isnt THAT what boys are for?????
- dont have foggiest idea how to “sift” things together….is that somehow different from stirring???
- cant exactly turn on the oven portion of my stove…. its gas… im afraid im gonna kill myself…sticking my head in the oven to peek in and see if i can see that wee bit of blue flame under the pan thingy…and trying turn the knob and adjust the gas flow at the same time….
- and…last but not least…i was wearing these panties…..
i know, i know…. who still wears panties????
but …i do …cause they are cute….
and i was wearing these…
cause they were new…but they were scrunching up under my jeans… sooo….
i decided kamakazi was a better idea…
sooo….. i go to the ladies room…. pull off my jeans… and was taking my panties off…when they got tangled in my 5 inch tall “free gas” stilettos… this sends me careening and i certainly would have fallen completely over…but the stall was small…. so i kinda caught myself with my elbow but not before i slam my hip into the toilet paper holder and in the process… manage to knock my jeans over and into the toilet….. yep…sugarbabies….. being a sex kitten…. is NOT all bonbons and bacon ice cream…
xoxo
Take A Shot