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sugarbabies…

gambling…is addictive…

“roll the dice…sex,drugs, and rock n roll are my only vice….” -Everlast

im not usually one to gamble… i work hard for my money… so ..im pretty careful bout how i spend it…and well… i know the odds… and …thats what usually keeps me from gambling… MOST of the TIME…

..but…on occasion i get lured into a game… usually …if im tempted..

its with house money… nuthin to lose…those are pretty good odds…

even a sex kitten has a hard time saying no…

…but a kitten has to be careful…

because sometimes… the house money runs out… and if you arent done with the game…

you catch yourself investing a bit of your own…

and thats when…things get dangerous…

and kittens get skittish…

and …

well…

trips out of town get booked… and car keys get tossed about carelessly…

and the housekeeper starts shaking her head at the frequent requests for linen changes…

im afraid im not a brave girl…

and when that happens…i push back from the table..

i’m not sure i can afford to lose…

maybe i shouldnt have sat down at all….

and.. now here i am…in too deep to walk away….but…not far enough

to know if winning is really possible …

whats winning anyway??

the last one at the table??? the biggest bank roll at the end of the night???

maybe “winning” …

is just getting to play the game…getting invited to sit at the high stakes table….

and maybe just maybe …i should consider….

plunking down some cold hard emotional cash….

xoxo

sugarbabies….

lots of stuff in life these days….is fast…and getting faster…

sex on wheels cruises nicely around 90… and my new aircard (when i can get all four bars) is lightning fast (woot!)…summer…flew by like it was on a rocket…

now dont get me wrong…most days..i love the fast lane…

it may be where i feel most comfortable…its what im used to…i rarely sleep in the same bed more than two or three nights in a row…

but then there are the other days…

when you just wanna slam on the brakes..and catch your breathe… and maybe… stay in bed alllll day…tangled up in sweaty sheets with a lanky cowboy…

and on those days…well…sometimes it feels like im just doing what i can to hold on…

sooo….while its not uncommon to find me running through an airport… this time…

amazingly…

i couldnt tell you WHY i was running…

i wasnt late…

i had my ticket…

i had cleared security…

i had a good thirty min til the first boarding call…

but i definitely felt compelled

…to run…

and well… ask ANYONE who knows me…. running….is NOT something i do…

nope…

i cant think of a single time before … when i have ever felt compelled to run…

mild OCD causes me to rearrange the fridge more often than i like to admit…but …running…not so much

yet…here i was…

5 inch louboutins be damned…tumi bag over my shoulder…running…

i just wish i knew…

…sugarbabies…

if i was running AWAY from or TOWARD…

…something…

and while i cant be sure…

truthfully ….

i suspect it was a little of both…

xoxo

“Ive got a little mama she is really built for speed

all shes got to do is ask me &  i give her what she needs

she likes to take my hot rod out at night

she likes to park it where its dark and tight..

faster faster pussycat lets go…

faster faster..she dont want to go slow…”

-Pink & Black

dear pimply faced driver of the plymouth breeze….

sugar…there are a lot of reasons i wouldnt race you this morning on the toll road…if i started a list it would go a bit like this:

  1. youre a pimply faced kid
  2. its plymouth breeze
  3. youre a pimply faced kid
  4. its a plymouth breeze
  5. youre a pimply faced kid
  6. its a plymouth breeze…
  7. and oh yeah…because when we crested that hill and you were checking me out..I was looking ahead and saw the cruiser in his usual spot…

soooo …. when you floored it and raced past me…it wasnt you i was waving at… love…it was him… and he nodded… cause…and i hate to add insult to injury here…but baby boy youre not the first pimply faced boy i have offered to those boys in sacrifice… not even close…

so i hope you learned a little lesson this morning……

sugarbaby…you should never underestimate the instinct for self preservation….in a sex kitten…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

evidently….i can be talked into just about annnny thing after enough wine and vodka….and if… after finishing off a decent bottle of red…i have a few vodka tonics….the idea might even be mine…

note to self: if you hare too tipsy to get your eyelashes on in three or four tries…for the love of all that is holy…stay home…curl up with some netflix…

soooo….

where were we??

  • oh yes i was dwinking….check
  • false eyelashes…check
  • chanel lip gloss… check
  • big barbarella hair…oh snap…check
  • shoes that make mothers everywhere cry for their baby boys…. check

and im out the door… and in no time flat im… on a dance floor across town…

teasing more than my share of boys annnnd girls….

until a smarmy dude corners me at the bar and tells me im booooteeful…

umm thanks dude…

and that his wife (a tall blond in a low cut red dress … that looks like shed rather be in a turkish prison ….than this place)… lllurves me…..ok….cool…look i just wanted to dance and have a bit of fun..im not reallly into this stuff….

when over walks the party promoter…and calls me by name…hey suicide…we have misssed you!!!

….uhhh great….

i must have been reallllly fucked up…. because later i start gettting text messages from the smarmy swinger dude saying he has a saucy idea!!….somebody shoot me….

“lets exchange some pics …but only from the waste down….”

ewwwwww…. dude that is gross…i mean from the waist down is creepy …from the “waste” down…. welll…. we just wont go there… though…. i was tempted to send him a wicked pic of my kneecap… which everrrryone knows is my best feature…

this must have been what prompted me to throw my phone in a sewer drain….or whatever i did with it…cause the next morning…i have no idea where that lil piece of my heart has ended up…

and god must be punishing me….because my mac wont boot…im totalllly isolated…. AND i have to pack and leave town in less than two hours…

god bless….the business plan that now has the radio shack in my hood open at 9am on Sundays!! they found me a deal…googled an address for me… AND had a new blackberry in my grubby little paws…all in under 20 min….mad props…to the little kids employees in there who were soo helpful despite their own lil hangover issues!!…

soooo….anyway…that is a realllllly long way of saying…. if you know me …text me… cause right now i dont even have my mamma’s number…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

by request….especially for this fella

picture it…

a late sat afternoon drive to the country….the top is down the sun is hot but its on its way down….so the heat isnt tooo bad…

no…its just about right…

the road is lonely…and due to a dependable bit of intel… i know that it is shift change for the boys in blue along this lil stretch of pavement… sooo… i push in the clutch…(which is kinda hard…cause ive already pulled off my shoes and even with the seat as far forward as it goes…my toes just barely reach to push it all the way to the floor) i slide her into 6th….and turn up the music…

life doesnt get much better than this…

i throw my hands over my head for a fews seconds…look…mom…no hands!…. the alignment is perfect…she doesnt even pull a tiny bit….i put my hands back on the wheel…ahead of me …waaaay ahead..i spy another vehicle…a big one…they dont allow big rigs on the greenway and so its a bit unusual to see something that big..on this stretch of pavement….

im gaining pretty fast…steering with one hand.. and trying to get my tangle of hair back into some sort of ponytail with the other….

im closing in…its an RV… pulling a gear trailer… i have enough friends in bands to recognize this as musicians on the road….hmmmm….i get a little closer i see the writing on the back of the trailer…

odd….quotes from some ole rock and roll….

i pull up alongside….

“keeping the dream alive” plastered alll over the side…

its an RV full of Elvis impersonators…and…wait for it….

they are waving …(i know what you’re thinking…srsly?? but sugarbabies i couldnt make this shit up)

right then… a gust of wind catches my top…

up goes my shirt…

The Elvis at the wheel…honks and give the thumbs up!…

i drop …my hair.. push my top back down… and wave….

push it to the floor… zooommmm away….

Keeping the Dream Alive…indeed….

xoxo

ironically..my fave elvis show…Elvez…will be at the black cat august 15 with his infamous…ElVez for Prez show… its ALWAYS a good time..worlds will collide…i recommend it to one and alll…

sugarbabies….

charity is more than a pornstar from the 80′s…on a recent sat. morning im working my way through my first quarter tax stuff….and i find a fairly large-ish amount allocated to Charitable Donations….while i do make chartiable donations….i generally remember them..and this one just wasnt ringing any bells with me… soo.. i pace… i scratch my head..and finally knowing its gonna bother me until i figure it out…and fearing another brush with id theft…i get in the car and head to the office… to look up the donation…

after a wee bit of investigating… i realized that my tax fella ….(who is older and obviously not that hip to the fashion scene) had assumed that all of my spending at TRUE RELIGION was charitable….

i giggled to myself…then said out loud…suck it uncle sam!!…

i mean seriously bitchez…the way these jeans make my ass look is totalllly charitable….

xoxo

suck it uncle sam...and not in the pervy way..in the sucky way

suck it uncle sam...and not in the pervy way..in the sucky way

sugarbabies…the call went like this:

hello???

…oh hey…yeah im sorry for not calling you back the last few days…

ok ok…yeah its been a few weeks..

me? ..oh im doing ok …well…not really….

let me just put it to you this way…

im at the office and im wearing sneakers…

umm..no not the cute Chanel golf shoes…the ones i wear for taking out the trash..

yeah no shit…

rock fucking bottom…

yeah..that would be bottom bitch to you lovah….

yeah right…a few gay men here nearly collapsed

something about hell freezing over and a tear in the space time continuum ….

the straight guy noticed that i’m short…and asked if somebody crossed the streams…

ha fucking ha…

oh it gets better…

yeah waaaay better….

how long have we known each other??

that long…sooo…

you know how i take out any stress on my….wait for it…. sugarbabies…wait for it….

HAIR.

soooo…yeah… if you ever grab a six dollar bottle of hair dye from the Triple B and think…umm whats the worst thing that could happen??? my hair will be a different shade of blond…

yeah… welll…. thats not exactly true…

umm..yeah it could turn several other shades of blond..including orangey red and ummm some grayish purpley shades in some splotches…

i know…i know…. but it costs 4 bennies every freaking time…

right..umm …good point..now it will be $406.00

i know i know….but…INSTANT gratification……they were closed …right??? hair salons should fucking be like waffle houses… yeah 24 fuck!ng 7 …. otherwise $hit like this happens…. of course i called him!……uhhh yeah….i have his cell….

fuck that…hes not a boy…hes a HairDresser…

hes my therapist for christ sake…

HELLO!!…. do you know how often i color my hair???? i see him more often than the dry cleaner….

yeah hes gonna meet me at my place…. but he lives all the way in mclean….and he is booked all day..so it will take a while

yeah…its that bad

housecall bad…

its like ive falllen into the abysss….

right??

sneakers…bad hair day… Sex on Wheels is in the shop….

oh but…let me tell you something…….

the good part about driving the loaner..

if somebody is checking you out at a light or something…..its SUCH an ego boost….

yeah …

no its totalllly different….

if youre in SOW you never KNOW if they checking out you….or the car…..

yeah and if the top is not down ..you know..folks have to REALLLY be interested to notice that my hair color is whacked off the chain..

i know, i know…im gonna start cruising in ghetto sleds…just for my ego….

i dunno whats your weekend look like??

im supposed to go to a party up in adams morgan…but… i dunno… ill prob duck out early…

yeah i know….NO…cause i think it sounds kinda nasty…like a stripper move…

….hitting bottom…

sounds like EVERY weekend

oh wait… that is slapping a$$ …whatever…yeah…im feeling a lot better…

yeah ..im gonna go put on some real shoes…

yeah there is a pair of pointy ass michael kors stilettos in the supply closet….the black ones with two ankle straps….they look like a dominatrix would wear em…

i know…i LOVE that in a shoe…

yeah..but im gonna look sooopa slutty cause….

i’m in khaki shorts and my johnny cash t-shirt.

i know..if i didnt know you better …id think this was one of those

“heavy breathing..what are you wearing phone calls”…

is it narcissistic of me to think everyone is looking at my hair??

i mean….youd be pressed to find a bigger attention whore than me…but still.

yeah your right…ok well … maybe no one will notice…

umm….i take that back…a guy in the office across the hall just drew a life size picture of me with sharpies..with purple and orange hair…and printed TRAGIC in this realllly expensive font i just bought across the top… and..umm..i gotta go..he is heading down the hall..to post it in the break room….yeah.

thanks

ok ..

talk to you later……

bye…

xoxo

suagarbabies…

“you have to wait here…YOU are NOT family”…. thats what the tiny hood rat at the front desk said to me…smacking her gum..her hip thrown out to one side her hand thrown up in a “talk to it” gesture…..

i shit you not…thats what she said….

as they wheeled my best friend of all time away from me… fast…they were throwing tubing and bags and grabbing rolling equipment..and i watched til they turned the corner…

for a little while i felt like i was wasnt completely helpless as i gave the intake nurse his insurance info and medical history…..guess they dont care WHO gives them the billing info…

then i paced… malcolm in the middle was on the overhead tv… and the only magazine was a dog eared year old copy of AARP …..but i couldnt focus enough to see the print anyway…

then after about 45 min… i was mad..

real mad …. i seethed when lunch was delivered from a local chinese place and they waved the delivery guy back to the nurses station….. they munched on egg rolls…while i wondered if my best friend was alive? cold? scared? dead?…. ok..i understand they dont want me in the dr’s way….hell i dont WANT To be in the dr’s way if they are doing something …but… umm…NOBODY can tell me whats going on???

they gossiped…they commented on his tattoos…. whispered that they recognized him…took a few calls on their cell phones from their boyfriends…i mean technically they werent allowed to have their cell phones…so a work around had been devised… when the ringers went off in their “storage area” they would go get them and then walk to the edge of the carpet to talk about …whatever…

i kept playing it over in my head….you are not family…you are not family….

what the hell do these people know about family???? they dont know him they dont know me..they certainly dont know about our “family”….they dont know:

that his parents are assholes and kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay

that i moved in with him for several months a few years ago when he first got cancer…to take him back and forth to chemo and to care for him after the treatments left him a mess…

that he gets realllly scared at hospitals… i mean you really only have to go through cancer treatments once for hospitals to leave a bad taste in your mouth…three times… and well…. you’ll pretty much freak out when they try to put an iv in your arm too…

that when i needed it..he offered to let me live with him…rent free… for as long as i needed (seriously… isnt THAT family)

that we both leave our estates to each other in our wills…

that we have known each other since back when you could see a show at the bayou..the 9:30 club was downtown… the black cat was “that new place”…posuers was THE place to be…coke was cool… reallly…that long…

that if anything ever happened to me… thats who id want next to me at the hospital…waaaay before id want any of my “family”….

that we are “porn buddies“…

that we wear wedding bands on chains around our necks as symbols of our friendship and because if you are not married in this society ….everyone assumes you are missing something…we know better than that

i stood in the doorway to the nurses station….staring at them… clutching his shirt and wallet… i waited… and waited… i fought tears…

i twittered…

and then.. i did what i do best…

i got my way… the way i do best…

i spied a dr looking dude… and made eye contact… i gave him a half smile frowny face…

and yeah….he came over…

when he asked if i needed help…

i nodded and let a few of the tears roll down my cheeks… he put his arm around me …all i said was..

you have my best friend back there…and i just want to know if he is ok…..

he went and got me new tissues…. he checked on my friend… he escorted me past the hood rat… past the nurses station… past the trash can full of chinese take out boxes…

when i got to his room..we both broke down and cried…

the dr came to talk to me….explained that it was a good thing we got to the hospital soooo fast…(my friend chuckled from his bed about sex on wheels…MAYBE being worth alll the trouble she puts me through!) the dr. said that he could maybe go home tomorrow night…i told the dr i wasnt leaving…and she smiled.. and had the orderly move a more comfortable chair into the room….

sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…

but i swear … the whole thing…. made me agonizingly aware of the magnitude of not allowing gay partners to marry…i know that gay couples go through this kind of thing often… and … its awful… i cant really imagine it…two hours and i was near crazy…

step back folks…it isnt about having two dudes or two chicks on the top of a cake…. it isnt just about having a “wedding” …..it isnt about what “your god” preaches…..its about being legally defined as family….. not having to explain to a 17 year old receptionist who cant even tie her shoes..(she was born in the age of velcro) … what FAMILY is… cause reallly… its none of her business…

xoxo

ps.. these folks have taken up the fight…. i support them ..i hope you will too…

hi suagarbabies…

call me crazy…but… i like the heat…it feels hard and honest… yesterday…i dropped the top…and let the sun do its worst…i mean really…its not THAT hot if youre doing 85-ish and heading west…to the mountians… to the horse track… to play the ponies… to push your luck….HARD….

about 30 min out of the city….i stopped for a bevvie.. a quickie…iced coffe from starbucks… the hot felt good….(i know im crazy) so i sat down at one of the tables outside of starbucks to chillllax for a few min. and make a few phone calls…(its hard to talk on the phone when youre doing 85-ish with the top down and the music up) ….. soon a crowd of youngsters …they looked like high schoolers but turned out to be college kids….they were gathering around an older dude…that i recognized…but ignored… their tshirts, buttons, and fliers gave them away as politico wannabes and the old dude was reveling in their unabashed adoration… eventually the “campaign manager” turned up…to “organize the interns” ….. thats when he turned his attention to me…. i had known it was coming…so i was ready …i sat languidly sipping my coffee and crossed my legs… swinging a my six inch louboutins into the walkway…. and casually ran my fingers though my hair… tangles… an unavoidable top down consequence.... pushed my chanel sunglasses up off my eyes onto my head and smiled – as he presumptively sat down in other chair at “my” table….

sooo whats a pretty lil thing like you doing out in this heat?…. he asked

i smiled slightly and told him… im not the kind of girl that wilts….

he grinned, pulled his chair closer and…PATTED MY THIGH and said he like people who could “take the heat”….

im not joking…what style of OG old school game is that?????????

then he asked if i was …”into politics”

–seriously…. the dude was working sooo hard to try to get my vote impress me with his political office—–that i almost felt sorry for him….ummmm honey im not one of those doe eyed sorority girls that wants to please you….. nope… i know more than your name…i know your record..

i responded…. “well lover… a more accurate statement would be that …. politicians are into me”

he sat back… i think the word LOVER…scared him…he looked down at the table… and fingered the key to SOW…

him: i saw you drive up….

me: i know…

him: i guess im just gonna ask…will you meet me for dinner later tonight

me: im heading pretty far west tonight love…. maybe next time

him: can i call you

me: only if you talk dirty

him: laughing

me: trust me sugar…im more trouble than you want…

him: you might be right

me: im rarely wrong

him: did’nt i meet you at a party for <insert politician here> last year

me: well i do like to think that if we had met….you’d remember

him: i remember… you had glasses and really high heeled shoes… he nodded toward my louboutins…

me: like i said sugar….you are already in waaay over your head…but ill let you tell yourself your sweating cause of the heat…

him: id really like to take you out sometime…

me: i know…

him: will you call me?

me: probably not…i dont call boys …ever…. but one of my assistants might… you know.. if i had a parking ticket or something…

him: are you even gonna vote for me?

me: is that what the kids call it these days???

him: laughing…im not giving up on this

me: i know

then i picked up my key…and let him watch me walk to SOW…i might have turned up the jiggle a little more than normal… but whateves…im sweet slutty that way….

I pushed 90-ish getting to the racetrack…

thought my luck had run out…

til the 7th…

i walked outside into the heat..down past the track…round to the stables…down close… patted a few sweaty ponies… watched the grooms and jockeys pull saddles down and push bales of hay around… talked to an old friend … and there in the heat with the ponies and the smell of sweat and leather and sweet hay and steamy wet piles of peat….picking my way around the dirty dusty path… with the sun beating down …i cried…hot tears on hot sunburned cheeks …i guess i just didnt want to carry it anymore…and right there…

i put down some of the emotional baggage id been carrying round for the last few weeks…

and i picked the trifecta…

it had a 2 thousand dollar payoff…not bad for a two dollar bet…

im not sure…but…

i think i feel my mojo coming back…..

xoxo

Ridin’ the range once more
Totin’ my old .44
Where you sleep out every night
And the only law is right
Back in the saddle again

-gene autry

sugar babies…

around one thirty in the morning…the atmosphere at the bar had gone from mellow to….well …you could feel… the soft touch of desperation rolling slowly in…kinda smoke like..gathering in corners and spreading out…. under the swanky lounge chairs and … curling up … toward the bar…

……no wait…that is REAL smoke…oh yeah….im in virginia they still smoke out here….how did i get out here??? jeeezuz…. somebody shoot me… oh yeah…he offered to drive…

girls were forcing laughs…their faces shiny… their lipstick had turned garish… when they leaned back against the divans…they closed their eyes… and you could tell that for them… the room was spinning… more from the cocktails than the dj

the boys were feeling the pressure to make a move soon…or be resigned to going home solo… so they were kicking up their game… and being more touchy feely than they had been earlier in the evening… with one eye checking for other options that were still attainable given the time restraints… it wasnt helping them that mother nature was cock blocking with cold and monsoon rains coming down in sheets …combined with the general apathy that has permeated DC during the last few weeks of an extended primary season… well …poor babies…. it was gonna be an uphill battle…i leaned in and wished one boy luck with a girl who was probably cute when she hadnt been rained on…..he passed his hookah….

oh yeah…fucking hell..im in a eurotrash hookah bar in virginia….somebody pleazzze shoot me

the waitress…was bringing drinks a little slower… trying to get a head start on getting out of there… she was rounding up credit cards…. smiling a little harder…. last call isnt too far off.. she reminds me of someone….i cant think who…maybe kardashians crazy loud sister?? maybe….

but i have to admit…im glad i decided to come out….. i dont do much of ANYTHING that i dont want to…but…i let him talk me into it…. i didnt want to go out..and i certainly didnt want to go out to virginia….(best Tshirt spotted at the black cat last week ..Virginia is for Losers) i DEF… wouldnt have agreed to a hookah bar….

but…. i suck at saying no….

and he offered to drive….

and with sex on wheels..STILLLLLLL in intensive care….out at the dealer….damn… youd think german car parts wouldnt be THAT hard to come by…

so i let him take the lead …..and we headed to an anonymous arlington bar…. it was nice to be in a new neighborhood where nobody knows you… you dont nod slightly to anyone as they acknowledge that you are with a new boy from across the room…with a knowing …if only slight lift of their glass…nobodys eyebrows raise when you walk by with that…”hes cute ..call me later” look

questions piss me off these days… i dont know why…im just not in the mood for them…..and he didnt ask many…sooo that was good… we shared some apple tobacco…he knew the waitress….so the ice never rattled in my glass… and the dj worked a mellow groove between LA cool and NY hot…. the people watching was kind of bland… so when he leaned in and kissed me …it was a welcome diversion…but frankly… i was in a melancholy mood and it was gonna take more than a few vodka tonics and some PDA… to pull me out of it…

and then it comes back to me…ummm yeah…im in hookah bar… one fortyfive ish… a.m… im hungry… i had wiggled out of an earlier dinner date….. (i told you i hadnt wanted to go out) so i hadnt eaten… and the vodka tonics were gonna start to catch up to me…

like i said he didnt want to talk…and that was fine with me…i preferred it…

maybe having sex on wheels in the shop has me soo melancholy…maybe the rain…maybe the cold…. maybe i should go to LA… just for a few days… maybe im over thinking it…maybe im over thinking everything these days…i was getting grouchy…i was ready to switch to ginger ale….i just wanted to get back to my place…crawl into a warm dry bed…. snuggle down… but….here i was in VA at two in the morning…

thank god….he made the right offer…

and well….

bob and ediths is too hard to pass up…

fried eggs and grits…

then he put his ride into gear (sometimes i forget how much i like to watch boys drive) and we headed back across the river…

home…

the lesbians were wrapping up their party next door…. and one of them was sitting in a wheeled office chair while her friends pushed her down the sidewalk …spinning…in the rain…

two kids “security personnel” brought me an end of the night “goodie bag” from the club owner… and ….well….its nice to be back in my neighborhood…

and

then….in the morning… i wake up to a text from the rockstar…

hes in town…

want to get breakfast???

there can be a beautiful symmetry to starting a morning …

the same way you finished the evening…

with a boy who doesnt ask too many questions…and a bowl of grits….

maybe in another life… it would be the SAME boy… morning And night

but frankly…i think i like it my way bettter… at least for now

xoxo

sugarbabies…

even blonds have bad days… like this morning the time i was driving down constitution ave… and when i pushed the clutch with my left foot….it went to the floor with nary annnnny resistance at all….

fade to blonde...

ahhhh shit….damn it sex on wheels…. dont die…. dont leave me… i need you… i cant get out of this town without you…im NOT leaving you behind…im NOT leaving you HERE… you hear me?? youre too important to me… you were voted best engineered car by a fancy magazine…. what would i do without you????? we are a team…a tiny little topless hard driving sexy six gears double clutching catching boys off guard team…..and….well…. i know you’ve never heard me say it but…. i love you… there…i said it and i dont care who hears me…i LOVE YOU…. please please…. thats good….thats right…. you can do it… if we can just get over the bridge….i think we can make it…

to be continued…..

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…weekends are for warriors…not sex kittens…….

Wed (hump day): invited to join fun friends for drinks…at 7…soooo i came home put on a pretty frock, powdered my nose, pulled the tangles out of my hair….. and fell fast asleep…. didnt wake up til 930 the next morning..on top of the covers still in my frock and false eyelashes…thats f-r-O-c-k..you kids have such dirty minds

damn…

Thurs (lil Firday): worked a wee bit… went in late…cause i slept til 930..but i didnt count it as sleep because i wasnt under the covers…it isnt restful..if you arent snuggled in…so i didnt actually get out of bed…til 1030… then spent the best part of the day at a power lunch drinking martinis…went home early… big lunches make me sleepy

…yawn….

weekends are for warriors...

Fri: standing on a street corner when a cute boy spotted me… he circled back .. and i convinced him to take me to the grocery store!…score! sooo with a weekends worth of cheddar cheese and Life cereal… the pressure was off to find any dates to feed me…so… i had drinks only… and was tucked into bed early…under the covers this time..not that passed out sprawled out on top… as is prone to happen on friday nights

Sat: early morning text message from boy: “lets drop the top and get fucked up” how could i say no to such a romantic offer…alas… the agent for the loveshack (emphasis on shack!)called ….what do you think..should i buy a teeny lil love shack on the river that needs “some tlc” about 15k in work???? i dont know either sooo i got up wery wery early… drove west for 45 min… and dipped my toes in the shallow part of the shenandoah …and then came back… grabbed the boy… and proceeded to order mimosas…only of course we asked the ‘tress to serve ‘em in big ole pint glasses….so she wouldnt have to keeeep refilling us every two min..then.. . finished up with a girlfriend at my fave watering hole …. and i was again… tucked in before the “douching hour”ed note…”douching hour” starts around 10 am in my neighborhood during hockey playoff season….

Sun: i was in bed (under the covers) when i get a text from a friend…he is back in town… just getting into a cab @ airport… i texted back in my sleepy text voice… i havent had coffee yet…he showed up on my doorstep..made me breakfast…. kissed my cheek and left to go check into his hotel…seriously… ive got that one trained just about perfectly!! i didnt leave the house all day…kittens dont like rain…soo…i watched lifetime movie network while surfing the net… and discovered:

1) the pope wears prada: hes totally jacking my style with red leather prada shoes…but whateves..if a creepy ole german guy is gonna have a fetish..i suppose an italian shoe one is about as vanilla as they come…its also rumored he sports some serengeti and gucci shades… is benny a label whore?? speaking of whores…and when i say whores i mean hot chicks…

2) guess who is STARRING in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS??…. YEP..our girl jenna jameson…. the campy horror film stars our fave lil pornstar …or whats left of her…. personally….i think it looks fun… and the cute Roxy Saint should be worth it alone…as the goth stripper who WANTS to be a zombie..cause it will make her uber-gothy.. i think it has opened in limited release…so you folks in NYC check it out for me and give me reviews…it isnt here yet….and from the looks of it may not get wide theater release…

i know….kinda dull..but sugar please….. even sex kittens get sleepy…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

SEX KITTEN 101:

if you are a blond sex kitten in french stilettos… dancing with a sooopa sexy tiny lil’ black girl — telling boys that you are “girlfriends” — doesnt do much to disuade them from trying to dance with you…

SEX KITTEN 103:

The GOOD Thing about living next door to a club:

if you run out of toilet paper at 3:30am… they will loan you a roll

The BAD part:

it will be one of those industrial sized rolls and will be kicking round in your powder room for years….

super size me...

and…..in the tradition of overheard in dc: or eavesdrop dc…except these happened to me:

1) from creepy dude with snotty attitude sitting on a fountain with large boa constrictor wrapped around him with the head coming up from between his legs and kinda swaying…

when my girlfriend was startled:

Creepy dude: “What youve never seen a guy holding a snake before??”

Me: ummm..yeah… ive seen lots of boys hold thier snakes…..just never one sooo small….

2) Cute guy friend as we are walking home from dinner:

my yoga instructor has been checking out my MATCH.Com profile…does that mean she is into me? (i dont know why this one struck me funny but it did…mostly cause my yoga instructors have mostly all been crazies…)

3) drunk girl digging in her purse for her ID

..my handbag is like a warzone!!

4) lamest pick up line of the work week… from guy sitting next to me at a bar

this IS my “im available” outfit…is that your “im available” outfit??….

5) lamest pick up line of the weekend…from super young super prepster at THE Space

him : wow… you look smart

me: wow… you look drunk

xoxo

sugarbabies!!!!! OMG we have sooo much to catch up on!!!!…

let me seee…. where to start????

should i start with…. tracing a little droplet of sweat down the spine of a pretty brazilian stripper with my pinky…while she was on stage…. ah yes….that night ended with an extra hundred bucks tucked neatly in the bra of my ample bosomed girlfriend….a trip to the ER at GW….where the detectives gave me and my bitchin Bestsy Johnson Tiger Fur Coat and 5 inch platform stilettos one of those up and down looks…pulled out their little notebooks and pencils (little pencils..hehehe) …and started the “witness interview” with …”Soooo you work at <insert name of strip club>” to which i responded..”could we hurry this up….i wanna be gone when his wife shows up”…

OR….

should i skip to a party with the beautiful people of dc…. i know… i know…. we dont realllly have beautiful people…but nonetheless…. every LA Wannabe and LNS popped collar in town made their way to ….wait for it…SHAW… to a slightly shady…..you know i looove that about a place….. former garage….now…. a trendy LA-ish lounge….. The Space….

strippers, hipsters, and cops oh my!

OR…

maybe you wanna hear about …boys… the latest crop….

the good looking older man….who lives close by and cant believe he hasnt run into me before…he has potential… im pretty sure he was on a date when he slid me his card…. ummm suave…but he was soo cute i can prob forgive it….stay tuned…

the tooo young for me hot body…..that …. i teased all night…just cause… well…i was bored

the rockstar who wants to celebrate something…he’ll tell me when he sees me…. great…with my luck..he is pregnant…

the pretty boy from rio..who thought sofa meant sex…and got pouty when i handed him a blanket and a pillow… dude… SOFA…means SOFA….. i would never fault a boy for trying …but NO …still means NO… and when it comes to boys…pouting…..it just isnt sexy…. take it somewhere else…

OR

maybe…you have a fetish…. like mine….and you want to start with the new spring shoes! the Christian Louboutins that look like they will be my faves of the season…

strippers hipsters and cops oh my!

they have already turned a few heads on the street (i even caught a certain good looking older man sneak a subtle double take) —- really they are smoking…they even got the approval of the gay cowboys….who gave me special permission to two-step on their dance floor in them…even though they are not cowboy boots…. just trust me … it was a high honor…. now if only i could two-step…

OR

maybe the TWO separate hospitals not including the GW ER incident…. that housed friends the last two weeks for unrelated but serious medical crap…that necessitated the sending of hi end flowers with cards that read….

just so you know…the mandarin oriental is less expensive AND has better linens….xoxo

OR

maybe the time when a freaking amazon lesbian accused my friend of …get this….i couldnt make this up… Biting her Finger….. oh sweet jjjjeeeeebus…… when the cops showed up …it happened to be a 1D officer i know pretty well… and the amazon lesbian went to jail! OMG….. the fun never stops…..

OR

maybe you just want to hear that it is officially that time of year…and i am once again… running around this town topless…and i have a wee bit sunburn to prove it….

xoxo

hi sugarbabies….

the green i know best ….cash…. and evidently…. i spent sooo much of it this past weekend….that my banker called today to make sure that all the transactions were “authorized“….seriously….my banker is cute as a button…a sexy, older, clooney-esque button…ive had a crush on him since the 90′s…. maybe that is what moved me to try to “explain” things as we went through the list of charges…

SAFEWAY ….at first i denied this one…ummm no i dont think thats me…where was it?? ….then i remembered picking up three boxes of diet mt dew and hitting the wine aisle in the burbs…..oh yeah yeah that one is ok

GALLERY PLACE (atm withdrawal)… yeah.. some walking around money..

LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah…i was trying to get them to name a new cocktail after me..i dont know…some brazilian fruit that i cant remember… haha…ok ill tell him to make it expensive…like me

ASIA 9: ummmm yeah…. they’re new…have you ever had sparkling saki??? or lychee martini shots?? no? umm yeah they were great..umm yeah they are kind of expensive….but i think there was sushi too and maybe tiramisu …i know that does sound like a nasty combination… seemed like a good idea at the time…

LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah after the lesbian club we went back there….no they comped us VIP style at the lesbian party… yeah… well…next time you come over ill take you…i know i know ….but no…it wasnt that kind of lesbian party….no it was more like a jerry springer episode…ok ok…next time you can be the judge….but reallly sugar…you should trust me on some of this stuff…

DUNKIN DONUTS: yeah that was prob me… (sour cream ..they are my fave… coffee sweet with lots of milk….in case anyone is taking notes)

GORDON BIERSCH: umm….yeah hangover pizza, love…

VALENTINO: yeah.. well i needed something to wear… yeah i know how much that is… youre absolutely right…i could have made the freaking dress out of money for less…. i know love… but…trust me… the way that dress hugs a curve is… priceless…

The Only Green I'm Wearing is...

SUGAR DVD: ummm yeah thats ok too… a girl needs her PR0N….and … netflix is sooo *yawn* you know….vanilla…

FADO….umm yeah i know…frat boys but…its not LNS…and i had promised…. i couldnt get out of it…

IRISH CHANNEL… yeah that was me…i know i know….jeeezuz …youre not telling me anything i dont know…now youre my mom???

CLYDES: yeah ….well …. i was tired of irish people….. yes …. especially my family….

HAGEN DAZ …yeah… i didnt know they were open that late either!…girlfriend needed a dazzler…

TARGET…. yeah ..it just opened…it has this really cool “cart escalator” yeah it was already broken.. i cant wait til somebody leaves their kid in it… yeah well columbia heights is not MIT…

ITUNES…. yeah… the new erykah badu…. yeah it sounds like all her stuff…but…thats good cause i like her stuff… yeah..i accidentally bought it twice….what do you want from me???…i was dwinking…you can fix that?? sweet…thanks….

CVS: yeah… well.. pharmaceuticals love…

UNITED AIRLINES: yeah… thats mine…. yeah im stilllll on the road too much…im getting toooo old for it… no seriously..i am….whatever….

SAN JOSE HOTEL: yep… i know.. right??…boutique place that gets it … umm no im not gonna be in town for the NCAA tournament… yeah well dont tell …. course you can stay there…make yourself at home…but… i should warn you…. i think im out of toilet paper…you might want to go prepared…

you know its a good thing you arent a stalker…or psycho…you sure have a lot of information bout me there…really?? what does it say???…. no shit… cool….soo i could basically spend a few grand in vegas …and that wouldnt trigger anything??? thats funny…i hardly even go to vegas … soooo what DID trigger the system to red flag my account?? i mean …none of these charges seem out of the ordinary….

no problem take your time…

oh… YOU ARE $HITTING ME…. but… people do THAT alll the time… really?… youre kidding… sooooo youre saying i havent spent more than twenty five dollars in a grocery store on my debit card since 2003???– whats that like 4 or 5 years???? fuuuuuuck me…….

xoxo

sugarbabies…

GOOD: coming home after a late night out…. and sneaking a bite of ice cream straight from the carton before collapsing on the bed…

the yin and yang of sex kitten...

BAD: waking up in the morning to find said carton of ice cream in the ….wait for it…. refridgerator…

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

its probably the vodka talking…but whatevs … you deserve it…. youve been xxxtra patient with me…

you deserve a post….

soooo ive been sick…i know youre allll tired of hearing it…. not as tired as i am of battling the flu ebloa virus …but…. tired… sooo ….. a few times i managed to drag myself out of bed and stir up trouble… a couple of times…i thought i was better for a day or two… then BAM…back to bed with boxes of PuffsUltra… its the little in between bits that im gonna try to put down in words here… maybe a list would work?? ill try…in no particular order…..

  • went to brunch at 12:30 at a tex mex place….and it ended at 1:30 am crashing a corner vip booth and getting felt up by lesbians in a club….with quick side trips to a swanky furniture store and a crowded irish pub…..some days…. the party starts early….
  • spent valentines day with this fella…. whatever…. he was persistent….and sweet…
  • accidentally called a clients laptop…his porn player… in a big ole business meeting…. as in… “here *dude* (not his real name) pass me your porn player….i know how to make it work for you “…..when the room went dead silent…. i then added…ever so professionally… “umm…. i guess…..thats what she said?”…. in spite of… or because of?? not sure which… i still got the job…
  • pretty sure i gave myself heavy metal poisoning … trying to eat cracker barrel cheese and instead eating a bunch of the wrapper…. yeah i know…must be a blond thing….
  • kissed a boy from NYC…prob gave him the Ebola virus…oops sorry dude…
  • found myself driving skidding across the TR Bridge during a random winter storm that pretty much reduced “sex on wheels” to a very expensive sled… if not for the weird as hell hours that i keep… im sure i woulda totally crashed….DO NOT WANT!!!
  • encountered the following clusterfuck minor setbacks trying to make Lemmonex’s champagne pear cupcakes
    • no mixer in my kitchen
    • no grater in my kitchen
    • no cupcake tin in my kitchen
    • no measuring cups
    • no measuring spoons
    • no knife (ok ok … there are a few butter knives and two steak knives that i stole from the austin grill…fucking classy eh??)…i know the recipe doesnt call for knives..but at this point….i wanted to stab something
    • no mixing bowls (only chinese rice bowls… go figure)
    • couldnt open the champagne bottle ……isnt THAT what boys are for?????
    • dont have foggiest idea how to “sift” things together….is that somehow different from stirring???
    • cant exactly turn on the oven portion of my stove…. its gas… im afraid im gonna kill myself…sticking my head in the oven to peek in and see if i can see that wee bit of blue flame under the pan thingy…and trying turn the knob and adjust the gas flow at the same time….
  • and…last but not least…i was wearing these panties…..

essential sex kitten 2.0.....
i know, i know…. who still wears panties????

but …i do …cause they are cute….

and i was wearing these…

cause they were new…but they were scrunching up under my jeans… sooo….

i decided kamakazi was a better idea…

sooo….. i go to the ladies room…. pull off my jeans… and was taking my panties off…when they got tangled in my 5 inch tall “free gas” stilettos… this sends me careening and i certainly would have fallen completely over…but the stall was small…. so i kinda caught myself with my elbow but not before i slam my hip into the toilet paper holder and in the process… manage to knock my jeans over and into the toilet….. yep…sugarbabies….. being a sex kitten…. is NOT all bonbons and bacon ice cream…

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…..

i’m in such a bitchy mood ..that i didnt even flirt smile at the cute new guy in my office building…nope i just sashayed by him straight to the fridge for my

fifth mountain dew-code red.. of the morning…

ok assholes..i know…. its not even eleven am…. and im not sure… but i think all that code red is the reason but my pee has turned a really pretty color of mint green… despite code red being …umm..red…. it was soo pretty that i thought was a new tidy bowl shade….but umm…no it wasnt… so….thats TMI right?

whatever….. i TOLD you i was feeling bitchy…i even told you not to read this post!!

sooo there is no reason you should still be reading…

youre such a freaking masochist

cause im just gonna bitch about how fucked up it is that NONE of my current projects are in the same TIME ZONE that i am in….

AND my throat is sore…

AND its raining out…

AND christ…did you see the state of the union???

AND i forgot to send my netflix back so i have to watch sucky cable tonight…

AND let me just warn you…im about to head home to bed…whatever the fuck you do…. DO NOT…be between me and that cozy sweet spot under the covers that i am heading for…ill run your ass over without even a wink…

AND if you have my number and you dare to call or text me…i will prob delete you forever from my life…

or …. turn off the phone ..which is pretty much the the same thing….

AND dont give me any of that …tomorrow is another day at Tara crap… ill claw your eyes out…

still here???

jeeezuzz… i love you.. thanks…i needed that……

xoxo

sugarbabies….

i just realized something about myself….

i dont go to the grocery store when i run out of groceries..

nope my cupboards can be pretty bare for weeks at at time….

i’ve got workarounds for that … last week i:

  • ordered enough pizza and soda pop for two days
  • ate an old box of raisins for dinner
  • stole a roll of toilet paper from the office
  • i have even been known to go on dinner dates with boys JUST to avoid going to Whole Foods….

nope…. i only go to the grocery store….. when i run out of…..

mixers…

some things a girl cant do without….

xoxo

ahhh sugarbabies….

its been ages since a porn post….. i suppose i just like to make y’all beg for em… so….well… by now…. youre all pretty familiar with my porn player troubles….if not… click here and then here ….sooooo

i convinced a boy… to attempt to return the porn player that “swallows” … to the 8th circle of hell….i mean..umm….. Best Buy…

once we get there…..he takes the porn player over to the geek squad desk… right at the front of the store…while i go to look for a replacement…

of course… he tells the geek squad a movie is stuck in the built in dvd player…

the geeks push some buttons..scratch their heads and push some more buttons….. right about the time i get to the tubo tax display… almost to the desk… one gifted geek pushes the right sequence of buttons…

and WHAM….

the “movie” starts playing….

of course when i say movie i mean hardcore fetish porn…this is not cheerleader porn….umm….no….its good old fashioned latex… whips and chains hardcore fetish stuff…* sigh* fun i know… i know!!!….

and it is playing…. at the front desk of the Geek Squad Station @ Best Buy…. yeah…

  • the geek who pushed the button…. his jaw kinda hit the counter
  • the “manager” of the counter ..well…. i thought she had a cardiac incident might easily have require full blown (he he he) medical attention
  • the gay dude in line..winked at me…while waving his hand over his heart…
  • the dude… i had convinced to return the tv with me……turned on his heels….. locked eyes with me and shouted……loudly…. …“suicide_blond…. you bitch … you’re the one who stole my dvd!!!

you know what can be more fun than watching freak porn????

watching white nerdy folks freak the fuck out….when porn starts playing in thier Best Buy lobby…..

OMG…. you just can not pay for entertainment like that….

xoxo

sugarbabies..

ive been avoiding his calls the last few weeks… so last night he left me a long message…  he’d been drinking…so it was a drunk dial….. whatever…..

he says … he wishes he had never met me… that …im like heroin…. and he wants to quit…but cant…

he constantly wonders where i am and who im with…

i couldnt help but giggle… sugarpie…. you say that every time!! and you expect different results??? isnt that the definition of crazy????

DUDE… your starting to sound like a freaking stalker…. and just because you send obscenely expensive gifts doesnt make your stalker stuff…any sexier…

he tells me im a pretty bullet

im completely ambivalent….

thanks for the presents…now come on…..get over it already….jeez…. boys… can be soooo freaking dramatic at christmas…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

i know i know… i complained a lot…but… last week.. i was on my own.. no A-cups….

by thursday night i was begging friends to search their purse for stray valium… thank god i have the kind of friends that

a) have stray valium in their purse and

b) are generous enough to share…

soooo… last week..i worked thirteen hour days… and not just lunching and cocktailing my way through the day..nope… i answered th phone, i filed (at least now i have an excuse for my bucked-up manicure), i even MADE MY OWN COFFEE…damn it…

I Miss My Little A-Cups

little a-cups found a great new job…good for her…i suppose…i mean TOLD her to “look”… but damn… i thought it would take a while!!! damn damn damn…poor planning on my part what with the holidays and all…

oh fuck…now i sound like a whiny diva…sorry santa baby…

but damn… i think i am…and obviously it takes a “team”…to be this..umm…whats the word??… sane??

soooo this morning i promptly placed an add…

there has to be some college kid out there who wants to make the coffee and run “sex on wheels” through the car wash … i think… i could have done it last week… if it hadnt been for the coffee thing… a girl neeeds her caffine…. and cocktails….damn…i realllly wish i had time to make this clever and all…..well…..umm… it would be wayyy better if i had an assistant…

but… now…

…i have to go to Neiman Marcus….im gonna have to stock the supply closet myself…mother of god…this is dangerous…its freaking christmas time…. i should NOT be within 200 yards of a certain pair of patent leather valentino platform stilettos… this can only lead to sex reallllly bad behavior….

xoxo

oh sugarbabies, “sex on wheels” …is a precision piece…. of german engineering… and sometimes i think..maybe someone should take the keys away from me… ALLL of the below happened within the last 30 days…

  • a chick… rear ended her on 66… and i didnt get her ins info or anything cause from the way she was hysterically crying i figured she didnt have any.. AND… i wanted to hurry home cause there was porn i wanted to watch….(i wish this wasnt true..but it is)
  • i noticed that i had driven close to 50,000 miles without an oil change…so …i freaked . the fuck . out…i called the service manager at the dealer..and told him…hey Mike..you might need to come tow sex on wheels in…. i havent changed her oil in 50k miles… (for the record..she only needs an oil change every 15k) … He asked if she had been driving ok..and i said yes…so he said to drive her on over …if you dont make it …we’ll come get ya… so i did… when i got there…he took the keys …and was gone for five min…on his way back in he playfully smacked the back of my head… “you were looking at the Trip odometer… which has 5 thousand miles on it… you dont need an oil change for another 10 thousand miles….blondie”……
  • i made an appt to get her winter tires put on… after driving around with the new tires for a day..i called Mike again… umm..Mike…there is a weird clunk when i take corners fast…did y’all notice any problems with the suspension when she was up on the racks??? …um no ..better bring her back…we will check it out… so…. back i go… they found the problem pretty quick… a water bottle rolling around under my seat….

sooo..im gonna go out on a limb here…and say..

ive pretty much lost ALLLLL credability with Mike…

and the entire crew over at the service dept… and im pretty sure i wont live any of it down anytime soon….

this may require me moving to another area…

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

my tolerance for douchbagy behavior is at an all time low… rrgh…it went something like this….
4pm… text message from realllly rich man boy i used to see kinda often…

Im in town can i buy you a drink…

  • douch move..if you haven’t seen me in mos. freaking call…i know rejection is easier in the form of a text…but grow some balls…call

i responded that i was tied up til late (not that way…*sigh*…i wish..)

he insisted…..would 8pm be late enough?…

  • douche move..take no for an answer

i reluctantly agreed…

About 6pm i thought about canceling…but…

before i could… i get another text saying hes at one of the new uber fancy bars in my neighborhood.. waiting…

rrrgh.. TWO HOURS EARLY….

  • third douche move in two hours…not good

i sucked it up and thought..ok… well hes close by… i can do it…

i sighed as i turned off … a really good episode of CSI…

and walked out into the cold…

things went ok for about 15 min… he asked how i had been.. and almost managed to look like he cared…

i explained that i :

  • had been realllly busy….ugh…
  • was reallly exhausted… and..
  • a good friends young daughter had been diagnosed with some realllly freaking scary asss medical shit….

through that conversation ..i stayed upbeat and positive…

BUT then… he said how he had been dealing with some real shit too..

oh no! i thought… thinking of his aging parents or some such thing…

…and im not making this up…

he starts going offff…about how he cant get the phone in his new Mercedes to work…

he works himself all up…slamming his phone on the bar…

  • psycho douche move

now granted it can be frustrating to pay 90k for a new car and then have shit not work…

but damn it…

that is NOT a real problem

that is an inconvenience… there is a difference…

and if you have sooo much money that your attorney suggests that you start a charitable fund..to defray your tax liability….you should to know it…..

  • douche move…I don’t want to sit in a bar and just nod my head at your silly rant… conversations go two ways…

quite frankly…the whole thing turned my stomach….

to the point that i told him…

umm ..look ..im gonna pass on the dinner offer….im really tired…

soooo then…. he invited me to a big party on sat night… in Miami

  • douche move…but..hey… who is counting???and i left out a few others…

Oh..wish i could… i said…but i already have plans…

that MADE HIM MAD…. no shit!!!

  • douche move ..uh..youre upset that I cant go to a party in ANOTHER state without more than three days notice?? Fuck You…if i even LIKED you at the moment..i might consider it..but um…i dont…

i also told him:

“look sugarpie…youve had a few more drinks than me…so im gonna chalk it up to that..but…im sorry to have to be the one to tell you… you have waay toooo good a life to be concentrating on a bunch of petty negative shit… none of your problems cant be fixed with money..and you have plenty of it…”

and i left…

WORST PART… i looked freaking stunning…

what a fucking waste….

after i ditched him i went to chipotle…

ordered a chicken bowl… i watched the girl put a sloppy spoonful of guac on the top…

at that moment..

i knew id made the right decision… walking away from him…

i deleted him from my cell phone…

paid for my chicken bowl…

and walked quite contentedly back out into the cold…

xoxo

 

 

UPDATE: i got a text this morning saying please dont contact him…. ummm..dude..i have NEVER contacted YOU…i dont call boys….. maybe YOU should stop contacting ME…ya think??..you f-ing psycho!!

sugar babies…

have you ever had one of those days…

the kind where you are getting ready to go out.. AND watching I LOVE NEW YORK… and sooo you decide..yeah..i should totallly wear some bad a$$ shoes and false eyelashes tonight…yeah… that is sooo what jenna jameson would do…
and then you get the glue in your eye… and while technically this shouldnt blind you… you begin to wonder if that is actually the case….so you sit down on the bed..waiting for your eye to stop tearing…

and then you start talking on the phone…

and then you realize you are running late…so you grab some lip gloss and head out the door…

and then you think..wow…i must look smoking hot in these fake eyelashes cause everyone is sooo checking me out….

and then you find your girlfriend at the bar….

and then she starts digging around in her bag and comes up with a mirror….

and then she wordlessly hands it to you…

and THEN you realize… you forgot to put on the other eyelash…

and THEN…you think…ummm… maybe just maybe….youre the ONLY person this shit happens to

xoxo

sugarbabies..its been oh i dunno a week..

and my ocd is pushing me to write a post with bullet points….what follows is a kind of… since we last spoke…. list

  • “he hearts me”….is out of the state.. i got a text message saying sorry i scared you.. huumm….wonder what gave it away?? evidently i didnt hide my terror as well as i thought…
  • snuck into a “technically” closed art gallery with a boy and made out…..a little….. in the dark…in front of some of the better pieces..
  • had a fella take me to a gay bar for dinner…he also recapped his brazilian wax experience….you read that right…HIS BRAZILIAN…. he might be just teeeny bit too metro sexual gay for me to actually date…and when i say date …i mean sleep with…
  • skipped a cocktail party full of douchbag lawyers…. to get cheap mexican food with a way cute lawyer.. only to have douchbag hockey fans get involved and show their nipples… to the poor family that was seated behind me…. the kids were asking…”Mommy why is that guy doing that???” to which mommy responded.. “Its because of that girl”…ohh great..blame the victim… whatever…note to self..no more encouraging drunk assholes….. speaking of ass
  • today i realized i am gonna have to give up NPR if they dont stop talking about asbergers disorder.. i realize that there are a lot of unfortunate disorders and diseases out there…and if a person is ALREADY saddled with that… why for the love of baby jeezuz…would you name said disorder some thing as wretched as .. asbergers…pronounced ..you guessed it…ASS- Burgers??? wouldnt this just add to their torment.. ..sooo for three days now….every time someone tells diane rehm or kojo nnambi “I have Ass Burgers”...or..“i was diagnosed late in life with ass burgers” i loose my train of thought…..and giggle….

basically sugarbabies…… between ass burgers and blogging..i havent worked in three days…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

soaking a heart in two bottles of prime argentinian red wine… doesnt make breaking it… any easier…

when he told me he had lied to me..

i just laughed..

“whatever…… you’re not the first guy to lie to me… as a matter of fact, i dont even think this would be the first time YOU have lied to me…. so just spit it out…”

Then i noticed he was really serious and i thought…oh shit… here we go…

“remember when i told you i really cared about you”…. he started …..

now i see where this is going..and its gonna be a train wreck.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it…. why the hell didnt ANYBODY ask me to do ANYTHING….on monday night so i wouldnt have gotten myself into this shit…..

damn.. damn..damn..

Im looking around…

jean claude had told him not to order a second bottle of a wine that good…..and i realize… too late… how right that had been.

jeeeezuz… now im desperately giving jean claude the “i need coffee and a cab signal”…

but he’s not gonna let me get away that easy…..and he keeps talking…..even though ive pretty much made it clear…. that…

i dont want to hear what he wants to say…

“look sugar pie… you’ve had too much of that stuff (nodding at the wine bottle) for me to take anything you say seriously”…

he keeps going ..insisting that the wine is just what he needed.. and that he had planned to play the evening all cool and aloof…but he’s leaving town in the morning and doesnt want to go without having this conversation…..

because… depending on how it goes..

he may not come back to DC…until he absolutely has to…

jeeezuz… men boys can be dramatic…

i try to change the subject and tell him i know of an emerging artist that would looove the opportunity to paint a mural on the side of one of his buildings…

he waves his hand… he can paint them all…(just clear it with the city..so they dont paint over it …and then send me a bill….) ok …so something good might come of the night…

jean claude brings the coffee…espresso…. a double shot…but i dont need it…..im perfectly sober now…

i push it across the table… if he is drinking he cant talk…right??

not so.. he downs it like a shot…

great.. two bottles of liquid courage followed by a double shot of i can do this allll night…. im an idiot…

The black caucus is in town… a young lobbyist works up his nerve and makes his way over from the bar…..relief sweeps in.. but.. ummm…nope…..

he sends the kid back to the bar… saying….we are in the middle of something serious…

damn… damn… damn…..

i give the youngster the “f-ing help me out here!!” face…

but typical dc douchy lobbyist….hes not gonna step in on a power player…..just to help a girl…

the kid disappeared…

now hes looking all serious again…… he says he only comes to dc these days to see me…

…. this is kinda shocking because… the fucker fella hasnt even called me in months… i just got an afternoon text message that said…

can you meet me at Ruths Chris 7pm??

it keeps going …and well..

they spill out.. he says he didnt want to do it like this ..but he is gonna anyway…

and out they come… those scary three words …. the ones that i cant say for sure which is scarier

saying them….

or hearing them???

allll i know is…..

i cant even type them…

and tuff as i am…

i dont want to watch anyone cough up the bloody mess commonly referred to as a heart…

and then have to choke it down again…

….they just dont make enough argentinian red to make that palatable….

its even harder if it someone you like..

someone you wish the best for..

someone you know you are NOT the right person for….

someone who wants you to spend the winter with him on his fancy yacht….anchored off a sunny beach….

but….truthfully….i was only there because the guy i had wanted to have dinner with….hadnt called…. isnt it always like that???

i did the only thing i could…

i kissed him on the cheek….

and walked away….

i probably would have run..but..umm….these shoes realllly are five freaking inches tall

maybe…..

if he had better taste in music…. he might have listened to some Tom Waits….

and might have known that girls like me…

really any girl in these shoes

is just an open invitation …

to the blues…

xoxo

oh sugar babies..im in texas…. Austin..Texas…mostly it is great… and dont get me wrong…its one of my verry fave places in the world…

the beer is cold, the food is hot, the music is live…

but you better get here fast……the face of austin is changing…and i cant imagine that it will be for the better…. it reminds me of poor jenna jamesons new face lift.. its trying too hard…pulled too tight…. the collagen doesnt help either..not that shes ugly..shes just not the same…shes over done…

jenna jameson

the cranes over downtown Austin are slapping up luxury loft style conds everywhere…and the bungalows we’ve always adored here… are being torn down…granted they are putting in cool mod homes….and y’all know i have weakness for all things moderne…but… that only makes me more conflicted…

Austin has always been cool… BUT not necessarily hip.. cool doesnt go out of style… but things that are hip today..are by definition NOT hip tomorrow…. and the hip factor here is pretty high right now… and well…hip is heavy……. and austin might just find she is falling in on herself tomorrow…

in the meantime… im enjoying it while i can…. and having wayyyyy more fun than i deserve… and you should hurry up and get here while

  • you can still find yourself in an old dance hallwith no AC…. drinking a beer..at 1pm….yeah!
  • cowboys still wear starched shirts and ask you to dance
  • football fans here are still fanatics.. hook em horns!
  • you can still have a cigar with kinky…. i love kinky
  • you can still hear steve earle & reckless kelly on the radio…
  • you can still buy a nice little house for about 150k
  • you can still get a migas plate at magnolias 24/8..sorry we’re open
  • you can still get a Fat Bob..(a burger with a fried egg on itno shit & its good as hell) at the hills cafe
  • you can still get ANY food ..fried… including avacado and cheesecake…yummers…

i dont know what will happen in Austin.. but i sure do hope…she stays independent, spirited, and weird

xoxo

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