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sugarbabies!!!
we have some catching up to do! so we better get started…
let me see… after what will be from hear on out known as the chipmunk assault of 09… during which Sex on Wheels was parked quietly minding her own business while i was traipsing about <read-taking the metro> (thats right bitchez!! in 2009 im alll about riding the PT Cruiser {Pub Trans} ) a family of those lil fuckers got busy and chewed all her hoses/wires/belts… now… i dont know if you have replaced hoses wires and belts on a sexy european sports car before (i have a feeling a few of you have) … but …it rang in at almost 6k..
holy rascally rodents batman!
damn.. there goes any sort of vacay this year right?? but NO …..thank you baby jesus… karma… fate ….or insurance adjuster who has a thing for blondes… but yeah …the insurance company covers it…. whod have guessd??!
whew…
sooooo…. while sex on wheels was suffering certain indiginties associated with rodents and a lube job…. i made my way… in my loaner car (a chevy equinox that had best not be the hope of the american car industry) to a dealer across town…just to …you know…
see what was sexy on his lot…
i ran my fingers over a red ferrari in the show room…and told him the make and model i was looking for… and…ummm… sir… she HAS to be convertable….
ah i have JUST the car for you! his eyes lit up….
after looking her over i pointed to another convertable across the lot…
Oh he said kind of hanging his head you prob dont want that one…its a manual transmission
silly boy… if there is one thing i know how to handle … its a stick…
i left…
more soon sugarbabies…
xoxo
sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…
Now where to begin??????
maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:
“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and quietly judging me”
or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…
“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”
seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money??? have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….
he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)
so theres that…
you say bitch...like its a bad thing...
or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…
(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)
i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….
i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….
i am verrrrry smoooooth….
xoxo
oh sugarbabies….
it wasnt anything that 12 hours of sleep and a few mood leveling Grey Goose and Tonics… couldnt fix…. thanks for your well wishes… and….yes…everything is the color it should be now….
in an effort to lighten things up a bit…. well…
one of my fave bloggers…. decided that her life was more fun as a multiple choice quiz….. well i started thinking…and i decided that my life….is probably better as a comic… depending on well…..all kinds of crap…… maybe it will be a regular feature…
special thanks to:
glenn barr whose images of Avengah and i forget the name of the other one and i cant find it online.. i stole..errr umm borrowed
HIN to whom i credit the phrase “eyelash jujitsu” or judo in this case…and whose birthday im ashamed to admit..i overlooked….i suck… i know….
blueseaglass…..who i cant believe found that hot pic of the bond girl on the Playboy cover from Nov 1965….which by the way….i scored a super good condition copy of off ebay for like 7 bucks shipping included!! and no kidding the cover is truly only HALF the fun….sooo…if youre in my bathroom… be sure to pick it up…the centerfold…..is freaking priceless
xoxo
sugarbabies..
ive been avoiding his calls the last few weeks… so last night he left me a long message… he’d been drinking…so it was a drunk dial….. whatever…..
he says … he wishes he had never met me… that …im like heroin…. and he wants to quit…but cant…
he constantly wonders where i am and who im with…
i couldnt help but giggle… sugarpie…. you say that every time!! and you expect different results??? isnt that the definition of crazy????
DUDE… your starting to sound like a freaking stalker…. and just because you send obscenely expensive gifts doesnt make your stalker stuff…any sexier…
im completely ambivalent….
thanks for the presents…now come on…..get over it already….jeez…. boys… can be soooo freaking dramatic at christmas…
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
my tolerance for douchbagy behavior is at an all time low… rrgh…it went something like this….
4pm… text message from realllly rich man boy i used to see kinda often…
Im in town can i buy you a drink…
- douch move..if you haven’t seen me in mos. freaking call…i know rejection is easier in the form of a text…but grow some balls…call
i responded that i was tied up til late (not that way…*sigh*…i wish..)
he insisted…..would 8pm be late enough?…
- douche move..take no for an answer
i reluctantly agreed…
About 6pm i thought about canceling…but…
before i could… i get another text saying hes at one of the new uber fancy bars in my neighborhood.. waiting…
rrrgh.. TWO HOURS EARLY….
- third douche move in two hours…not good
i sucked it up and thought..ok… well hes close by… i can do it…
i sighed as i turned off … a really good episode of CSI…
and walked out into the cold…
things went ok for about 15 min… he asked how i had been.. and almost managed to look like he cared…
i explained that i :
- had been realllly busy….ugh…
- was reallly exhausted… and..
- a good friends young daughter had been diagnosed with some realllly freaking scary asss medical shit….
through that conversation ..i stayed upbeat and positive…
BUT then… he said how he had been dealing with some real shit too..
oh no! i thought… thinking of his aging parents or some such thing…
…and im not making this up…
he starts going offff…about how he cant get the phone in his new Mercedes to work…
he works himself all up…slamming his phone on the bar…
- psycho douche move
now granted it can be frustrating to pay 90k for a new car and then have shit not work…
but damn it…
that is NOT a real problem
that is an inconvenience… there is a difference…
and if you have sooo much money that your attorney suggests that you start a charitable fund..to defray your tax liability….you should to know it…..
- douche move…I don’t want to sit in a bar and just nod my head at your silly rant… conversations go two ways…
quite frankly…the whole thing turned my stomach….
to the point that i told him…
umm ..look ..im gonna pass on the dinner offer….im really tired…
soooo then…. he invited me to a big party on sat night… in Miami…
- douche move…but..hey… who is counting???and i left out a few others…
Oh..wish i could… i said…but i already have plans…
that MADE HIM MAD…. no shit!!!
- douche move ..uh..youre upset that I cant go to a party in ANOTHER state without more than three days notice?? Fuck You…if i even LIKED you at the moment..i might consider it..but um…i dont…
i also told him:
“look sugarpie…youve had a few more drinks than me…so im gonna chalk it up to that..but…im sorry to have to be the one to tell you… you have waay toooo good a life to be concentrating on a bunch of petty negative shit… none of your problems cant be fixed with money..and you have plenty of it…”
and i left…
WORST PART… i looked freaking stunning…
what a fucking waste….
after i ditched him i went to chipotle…
ordered a chicken bowl… i watched the girl put a sloppy spoonful of guac on the top…
at that moment..
i knew id made the right decision… walking away from him…
i deleted him from my cell phone…
paid for my chicken bowl…
and walked quite contentedly back out into the cold…
xoxo
UPDATE: i got a text this morning saying please dont contact him…. ummm..dude..i have NEVER contacted YOU…i dont call boys….. maybe YOU should stop contacting ME…ya think??..you f-ing psycho!!
sugarbabies..its been oh i dunno a week..
and my ocd is pushing me to write a post with bullet points….what follows is a kind of… since we last spoke…. list
- “he hearts me”….is out of the state.. i got a text message saying sorry i scared you.. huumm….wonder what gave it away?? evidently i didnt hide my terror as well as i thought…
- snuck into a “technically” closed art gallery with a boy and made out…..a little….. in the dark…in front of some of the better pieces..
- had a fella take me to a gay bar for dinner…he also recapped his brazilian wax experience….you read that right…HIS BRAZILIAN…. he might be just teeeny bit too
metro sexualgay for me to actually date…and when i say date …i mean sleep with… - skipped a cocktail party full of douchbag lawyers…. to get cheap mexican food with a way cute lawyer.. only to have douchbag hockey fans get involved and show their nipples… to the poor family that was seated behind me…. the kids were asking…”Mommy why is that guy doing that???” to which mommy responded.. “Its because of that girl”…ohh great..blame the victim… whatever…note to self..no more encouraging drunk assholes….. speaking of ass
- today i realized i am gonna have to give up NPR if they dont stop talking about asbergers disorder.. i realize that there are a lot of unfortunate disorders and diseases out there…and if a person is ALREADY saddled with that… why for the love of baby jeezuz…would you name said disorder some thing as wretched as .. asbergers…pronounced ..you guessed it…ASS- Burgers??? wouldnt this just add to their torment.. ..sooo for three days now….every time someone tells diane rehm or kojo nnambi “I have Ass Burgers”...or..“i was diagnosed late in life with ass burgers” i loose my train of thought…..and giggle….
basically sugarbabies…… between ass burgers and blogging..i havent worked in three days…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
soaking a heart in two bottles of prime argentinian red wine… doesnt make breaking it… any easier…
when he told me he had lied to me..
i just laughed..
“whatever…… you’re not the first guy to lie to me… as a matter of fact, i dont even think this would be the first time YOU have lied to me…. so just spit it out…”
Then i noticed he was really serious and i thought…oh shit… here we go…
“remember when i told you i really cared about you”…. he started …..
now i see where this is going..and its gonna be a train wreck.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it…. why the hell didnt ANYBODY ask me to do ANYTHING….on monday night so i wouldnt have gotten myself into this shit…..
damn.. damn..damn..
Im looking around…
jean claude had told him not to order a second bottle of a wine that good…..and i realize… too late… how right that had been.
jeeeezuz… now im desperately giving jean claude the “i need coffee and a cab signal”…
but he’s not gonna let me get away that easy…..and he keeps talking…..even though ive pretty much made it clear…. that…
i dont want to hear what he wants to say…
“look sugar pie… you’ve had too much of that stuff (nodding at the wine bottle) for me to take anything you say seriously”…
he keeps going ..insisting that the wine is just what he needed.. and that he had planned to play the evening all cool and aloof…but he’s leaving town in the morning and doesnt want to go without having this conversation…..
because… depending on how it goes..
he may not come back to DC…until he absolutely has to…
jeeezuz…
menboys can be dramatic…
i try to change the subject and tell him i know of an emerging artist that would looove the opportunity to paint a mural on the side of one of his buildings…
he waves his hand… he can paint them all…(just clear it with the city..so they dont paint over it …and then send me a bill….) ok …so something good might come of the night…
jean claude brings the coffee…espresso…. a double shot…but i dont need it…..im perfectly sober now…
i push it across the table… if he is drinking he cant talk…right??
not so.. he downs it like a shot…
great.. two bottles of liquid courage followed by a double shot of i can do this allll night…. im an idiot…
The black caucus is in town… a young lobbyist works up his nerve and makes his way over from the bar…..relief sweeps in.. but.. ummm…nope…..
he sends the kid back to the bar… saying….we are in the middle of something serious…
damn… damn… damn…..
i give the youngster the “f-ing help me out here!!” face…
but typical dc douchy lobbyist….hes not gonna step in on a power player…..just to help a girl…
the kid disappeared…
now hes looking all serious again…… he says he only comes to dc these days to see me…
…. this is kinda shocking because… the fucker fella hasnt even called me in months… i just got an afternoon text message that said…
can you meet me at Ruths Chris 7pm??
it keeps going …and well..
they spill out.. he says he didnt want to do it like this ..but he is gonna anyway…
and out they come… those scary three words …. the ones that i cant say for sure which is scarier
saying them….
or hearing them???
allll i know is…..
i cant even type them…
and tuff as i am…
i dont want to watch anyone cough up the bloody mess commonly referred to as a heart…
and then have to choke it down again…
….they just dont make enough argentinian red to make that palatable….
its even harder if it someone you like..
someone you wish the best for..
someone you know you are NOT the right person for….
someone who wants you to spend the winter with him on his fancy yacht….anchored off a sunny beach….
but….truthfully….i was only there because the guy i had wanted to have dinner with….hadnt called…. isnt it always like that???
i did the only thing i could…
i kissed him on the cheek….
and walked away….
i probably would have run..but..umm….these shoes realllly are five freaking inches tall
maybe…..
if he had better taste in music…. he might have listened to some Tom Waits….
and might have known that girls like me…
really any girl in these shoes…
is just an open invitation …
to the blues…
xoxo
oh sugarbabies…the official boys of summer wrap up.. in bullet points…
- The Supreme Court still calls but.. whatever..i only answer if im realllly bored
- The Artist and i managed to ignore each other most of the summer… except for one particularly HOT show… and except when he slid two hundred dollars in my pocket..he behaved himself.. ok ok.. except for sliding up behind me and grabbing my hair and kissing my neck…which was kind of an asshole move..cause he KNOWS what that does to me…damn..even thinking of it makes me kinda….uumm..yeah…ok next… and yeah he owed me the money…
- Spent time in NYC instead of on the beaches..so maybe thats why it doesnt feel like summer should be over yet??
- The Rockstar…. considering our schedules we saw each other waay more than i would have guessed this summer….including a “layover” at dulles…and a little time “in the studio” in Texas…
- The Boyscout..is now dating a married lady…. but shares the details over dinners.. i am sex therapist to more than one person in this uptight lil town…
- i had the CREEPIEST.DATE.EVER. when a dude tricked me into his car and
held me hostagetook me to Capital Grill all the way out in tysons… then got drunk..so i had to sit there till he coffeed up…ugghhh…. nevermind..that there is a cap grille about 6 blocks from my house..dude wanted to show off his new mercedes..whatever… why do guys think i care about what car they drive??? - met the LNS crowd… it is waay worse than you have heard…..is this what they mean when they say homeland security is worried about the “threat from within”???…. somehow..id feel better IF i thought that was true…
soooo i spent the last weekend of summer in DC…and it was great.. .. hung out with friends…putzed around the house, drinks at wonderland…i do love this wacky town..even in the heat of the summer…. when she is kicking tourist ass with 85% humidity… during the summer she is a little bit quieter, a little less crowded, and a little less up tight……
and i can tell you
my love for her will still be strong….
after the boys of summer have gone….
ummm..does that make me a lesbian???
xoxo
or… how to score a free tank of gas…
sooo yesterday…im out in the burbs.. and rocking my new MARNI platform, peep-toe, pumps ( i love alliterations)….the black and brown ones.. the ones with a five inch heel on a two inch platform.. the ones that can only really be called expensive Hooker Heels… but damn i like it up here..so i doubt im coming down anytime soon..
as worn here..by kimberly stewart… she is not a hooker either..she just dresses like one too…
anyway…. i pull into a reston exxon station…..and well….. leering fellas start coming out of the woodwork…
i was in a hurry…..but..like my mama taught me…. smiled politely, batted my eyelashes (i cant help it im a shameless flirt) and answered their questions…
some about the vanity tag, some about “sex on wheels”, some about me….
i finished pumping (gas.. you assholes) and went inside to pay…. the paunchy middle aged men boys followed me in… more questions..more polite smiles and
- “yes..she is very fast”….
- “yes…she keeps me in trouble” ….
- “yes..she has a manual transmission”
- “yes she is a lot of car for a little girl like me”…
- “yes thats why i need these platform shoes..so i can reach the pedals”..
the whole time i knew what they really wanted to ask was… “how much?” … and i dont mean for the car..
when they had finally paid for their sodas and honeybuns…and couldnt think of any more small talk….they wandered back to their respective cars..
i shook my head at Joon… the cashier/manager… he was smiling…
“ah..suicide_blond…. you soo good for business…. you no pay today…. it is my treat…”
i looked confused..and thought maybe one of the boys had “picked up my tab”... but no…
joon continued..evidently..he was SURE ..that after i had flirted shamelessly talked to them so politely… they would alll be back for weeks hoping to run into the blond in the euoropean sports car and the f-me pumps!!! boys…whatever…
lol…i had just scored him four new regulars…
and me…a free tank of supreme…
with gas prices what they are..i think Gloria Steinem would understand.
xoxo
Hey Girl…
I know that you are new in town.. that you have just moved here from a podunky little town um.. Fairfax…. and that you are still trying to figure out how to be cool in the big city and all… so…i have cut you some slack up until now…
but … if you continue to bring attitude flash bitch at me when i say hello to you at the door or mailbox…
well..that may not be the best course of action for you … i mean be smart about this….
..i just mean … that it IS COOL to treat people well… and youd be well served to learn that lesson kinda quick.. in the big city… you need all the help you can get….i mean your blond..(not as blond as me obviously) but blond.. and women (especially blonds…and super especially… single in the city blonds) should support each other…
i dont have much patience for women that are too insecure to be friends friendly with other women… its just sooo umm.. looser...9th grade…
anyway… so…if you cant flash a smile or nod..maybe acknowledge me when i say good morning….. well…
maybe ill stop putting your mail by your door when Mr. H puts it in my box by mistake…
or maybe i’ll mention to Mr. H (you prob dont know his name…but he is our postman) that you are… you know ..not nice… i bet he would “forget” to deliver ANY of your mail…
he doesnt like you already -because youre new and it takes several years for him to like ANYONE-
and mind you, his delivery is only spotty when he DOES like you…
he naps in the alley most days..he doesnt care if you like it or not….he is gonna retire next year….sooo…..go ahead complain to his supervisor… he will only laugh at you…
if you cant lighten up:
i wont tell you where to put your trash so that you wont run into that nest of rats “street puppies” in the back alley….you know the ones by YOUR window… the ones that always seem to get into the unit YOU rented if ANYBODY leaves the back door ajar.. bet you dont realize that… YET…
if you lock yourself out i wont be able to tell you where the spare key is hidden…
i wont ask Mo (the parking garage manager) to hook you up with a deal on the monthly fee…
i wont tell you which pizza place delivers to our building
or how to get into shows across the street for free..
i wont be able to tell the MAYOR … ( hes the homeless dude who kinda rules allll the homeless dudes in our hood) that you are cool… and if he doesnt think you are cool…. well… i dont think you’ll like the neighborhood nearly as much….
i know.. i know… you could figure allllll this stuff out on your own… but the way i see it..why should you have to reinvent the wheel.. im willing to bring you up to speed.. i suppose thats just the kinda girl i am…
i guess what im trying to say…is….well sugarpie…. the ball is in your court…..
and oh yeah…. one more thing…
that black dress thing you were wearing last night makes your ass look HUGE… really hon…girlfriend to girlfriend.. retire that shit…
xoxo
sb
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