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whats that sugarbabies???

youve never heard of a casting couch???

yes you have…youre teasing me….again…

silly….

of course ive slept with film makers….

hasnt everyone??? i mean its practically a civic duty…right??

well….these people talked me into it the first time...and yeah… id recommend it….

i mean really love… whats the worst that could happen…

youd have an italian filmakers love child…how darling would that be!!!

xoxo

sugarbabies…

SEX KITTEN 101:

if you are a blond sex kitten in french stilettos… dancing with a sooopa sexy tiny lil’ black girl — telling boys that you are “girlfriends” — doesnt do much to disuade them from trying to dance with you…

SEX KITTEN 103:

The GOOD Thing about living next door to a club:

if you run out of toilet paper at 3:30am… they will loan you a roll

The BAD part:

it will be one of those industrial sized rolls and will be kicking round in your powder room for years….

super size me...

and…..in the tradition of overheard in dc: or eavesdrop dc…except these happened to me:

1) from creepy dude with snotty attitude sitting on a fountain with large boa constrictor wrapped around him with the head coming up from between his legs and kinda swaying…

when my girlfriend was startled:

Creepy dude: “What youve never seen a guy holding a snake before??”

Me: ummm..yeah… ive seen lots of boys hold thier snakes…..just never one sooo small….

2) Cute guy friend as we are walking home from dinner:

my yoga instructor has been checking out my MATCH.Com profile…does that mean she is into me? (i dont know why this one struck me funny but it did…mostly cause my yoga instructors have mostly all been crazies…)

3) drunk girl digging in her purse for her ID

..my handbag is like a warzone!!

4) lamest pick up line of the work week… from guy sitting next to me at a bar

this IS my “im available” outfit…is that your “im available” outfit??….

5) lamest pick up line of the weekend…from super young super prepster at THE Space

him : wow… you look smart

me: wow… you look drunk

xoxo

sugarbabies..

changing your pants while driving down the toll road in a spring rain -that also includes sleet- with a 5 speed manual transmission… AND 5 inch stilettos… takes a certain je ne sais quoi …. that this sex kitten has been practicing…..but…. the whole thing left me remembering THIS…and i definately give extra credit because …well… because the diagrams are kick ass… i think that the same general principles apply to sex on wheels…keeping in mind…there is more head room but less privacy..if the top is down…

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…

its not easy keeping sex on wheels sexy…or on wheels for that matter…. seems she likes her tires like i like my shoes…expensive and italian…and also like me… she wears em out quick…as in …i just put tires on her in November…yes sugarbabies… thats right…its not complicated “delegate math”….barely five months… cause evidently expensive high performance tires….like expensive high platform stilettos… are NOT in any sense of the word…practical…

and i wouldnt have it any other way….

dirty sexy beast...

sooo….. i dropped sex on wheels off at the auto repair shop dayspa….and handed the keys over to a the professional auto fixer dude anxious pimply faced boy…as he took the keys i apologized for how dirty she was…i know i know like me…. you kids are awful…he smiled and said he had seen dirtier…which kinda cracked me up ..cause i can assure you…. im prob the dirtiest thing that that poor kid will EVER SEE….. but whats a girl to do..i smiled coyly…batted my eyelashes and left them alone…a few hours later… i picked her up…

  • new tires
  • oil changed (im leaving the lube job joke to uncle keith…hes better at them than me…but i do want to remind him that her engine IS in the REAR)
  • and freshly washed and waxed…. (inset your own joke here…some of them are just too easy….i cant do ALLLL the work for y’all)

and i swear… after an afternoon with sex on wheels… when i pulled out ( its like christmas here for uncle keith today) of there….it seemed to me… that the kid… had weee bit of swagger…i whispered to sex on wheels….

SUGAR…our job here is done….

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

its probably the vodka talking…but whatevs … you deserve it…. youve been xxxtra patient with me…

you deserve a post….

soooo ive been sick…i know youre allll tired of hearing it…. not as tired as i am of battling the flu ebloa virus …but…. tired… sooo ….. a few times i managed to drag myself out of bed and stir up trouble… a couple of times…i thought i was better for a day or two… then BAM…back to bed with boxes of PuffsUltra… its the little in between bits that im gonna try to put down in words here… maybe a list would work?? ill try…in no particular order…..

  • went to brunch at 12:30 at a tex mex place….and it ended at 1:30 am crashing a corner vip booth and getting felt up by lesbians in a club….with quick side trips to a swanky furniture store and a crowded irish pub…..some days…. the party starts early….
  • spent valentines day with this fella…. whatever…. he was persistent….and sweet…
  • accidentally called a clients laptop…his porn player… in a big ole business meeting…. as in… “here *dude* (not his real name) pass me your porn player….i know how to make it work for you “…..when the room went dead silent…. i then added…ever so professionally… “umm…. i guess…..thats what she said?”…. in spite of… or because of?? not sure which… i still got the job…
  • pretty sure i gave myself heavy metal poisoning … trying to eat cracker barrel cheese and instead eating a bunch of the wrapper…. yeah i know…must be a blond thing….
  • kissed a boy from NYC…prob gave him the Ebola virus…oops sorry dude…
  • found myself driving skidding across the TR Bridge during a random winter storm that pretty much reduced “sex on wheels” to a very expensive sled… if not for the weird as hell hours that i keep… im sure i woulda totally crashed….DO NOT WANT!!!
  • encountered the following clusterfuck minor setbacks trying to make Lemmonex’s champagne pear cupcakes
    • no mixer in my kitchen
    • no grater in my kitchen
    • no cupcake tin in my kitchen
    • no measuring cups
    • no measuring spoons
    • no knife (ok ok … there are a few butter knives and two steak knives that i stole from the austin grill…fucking classy eh??)…i know the recipe doesnt call for knives..but at this point….i wanted to stab something
    • no mixing bowls (only chinese rice bowls… go figure)
    • couldnt open the champagne bottle ……isnt THAT what boys are for?????
    • dont have foggiest idea how to “sift” things together….is that somehow different from stirring???
    • cant exactly turn on the oven portion of my stove…. its gas… im afraid im gonna kill myself…sticking my head in the oven to peek in and see if i can see that wee bit of blue flame under the pan thingy…and trying turn the knob and adjust the gas flow at the same time….
  • and…last but not least…i was wearing these panties…..

essential sex kitten 2.0.....
i know, i know…. who still wears panties????

but …i do …cause they are cute….

and i was wearing these…

cause they were new…but they were scrunching up under my jeans… sooo….

i decided kamakazi was a better idea…

sooo….. i go to the ladies room…. pull off my jeans… and was taking my panties off…when they got tangled in my 5 inch tall “free gas” stilettos… this sends me careening and i certainly would have fallen completely over…but the stall was small…. so i kinda caught myself with my elbow but not before i slam my hip into the toilet paper holder and in the process… manage to knock my jeans over and into the toilet….. yep…sugarbabies….. being a sex kitten…. is NOT all bonbons and bacon ice cream…

xoxo

sugababies…

i cant remember the last time i had sex…

sad… i know…

meanwhile my electric bill has tripled…go figure…

things i heart...

maybe the dry spell is because

ive been sick… for like a solid month…flu-eeeww

OR maybe

because ive been traveling …though now that i think about it… that rarely stops me …

…i kinda heart -on the road sex-

not IN the ROAD sex..although ok ok id prob like that too… but yeah..umm where was i?? On the Road Sex…yeah… its great..

  • nobody wants to be your “boyfriend”… AND
  • nobody goes looking for your blog…

… its not not as good as my HITACHI…. but hell…so few things in life are….dear baby jebus..thank you for the hitachi …i*heart* it very very much….

but seriously…even if it is only to get Al Gore and his team of smaller carbon footprint hippies…off my back *so to speak*…..

i should realllly get laid….soon…..

ok..ok… back to our regularly scheduled programming…

things i heart:

PINK

i cant believe nobody invented this before now!

pinkits vodka WITH caffine…

now there is no need for me to drink coffee in the morning!!! i can go straight to vodka tonics with no reservations….and its pretty…

ZOLA

the lobster mac and cheese… still my fave comfort food… add the

bombe chocolate bombe and…

well this blond..is in a lil culinary comfort coma… not to mention snuggling in their bar all cozy and candlelit watching the world walk by freezing their nuts off… is a great way to spend an evening and a couple of hundred bucks….

BLISS

i know my life is really great… because i can honestly say that some days…the biggest decision i have to make.. is…

lemon + sage OR vanilla + bergamot (its a fruit thing..i had to google it too)

things i heart...things i heart...

but then i love all bliss…

call me a bliss junkie…

who can resist

soft, slippery AND smells good… whats not love??

and last but certainly not least….

i heart this place…

CRAZY BLIND DATE

these folks will set you up on a date in like fifteen min!..i know… i know….

it sounds a little dangerous… but damn….. y’all know me… i like that in a date!

xoxo

sugarbabies….

i just realized something about myself….

i dont go to the grocery store when i run out of groceries..

nope my cupboards can be pretty bare for weeks at at time….

i’ve got workarounds for that … last week i:

  • ordered enough pizza and soda pop for two days
  • ate an old box of raisins for dinner
  • stole a roll of toilet paper from the office
  • i have even been known to go on dinner dates with boys JUST to avoid going to Whole Foods….

nope…. i only go to the grocery store….. when i run out of…..

mixers…

some things a girl cant do without….

xoxo

ahhh sugarbabies….

its been ages since a porn post….. i suppose i just like to make y’all beg for em… so….well… by now…. youre all pretty familiar with my porn player troubles….if not… click here and then here ….sooooo

i convinced a boy… to attempt to return the porn player that “swallows” … to the 8th circle of hell….i mean..umm….. Best Buy…

once we get there…..he takes the porn player over to the geek squad desk… right at the front of the store…while i go to look for a replacement…

of course… he tells the geek squad a movie is stuck in the built in dvd player…

the geeks push some buttons..scratch their heads and push some more buttons….. right about the time i get to the tubo tax display… almost to the desk… one gifted geek pushes the right sequence of buttons…

and WHAM….

the “movie” starts playing….

of course when i say movie i mean hardcore fetish porn…this is not cheerleader porn….umm….no….its good old fashioned latex… whips and chains hardcore fetish stuff…* sigh* fun i know… i know!!!….

and it is playing…. at the front desk of the Geek Squad Station @ Best Buy…. yeah…

  • the geek who pushed the button…. his jaw kinda hit the counter
  • the “manager” of the counter ..well…. i thought she had a cardiac incident might easily have require full blown (he he he) medical attention
  • the gay dude in line..winked at me…while waving his hand over his heart…
  • the dude… i had convinced to return the tv with me……turned on his heels….. locked eyes with me and shouted……loudly…. …“suicide_blond…. you bitch … you’re the one who stole my dvd!!!

you know what can be more fun than watching freak porn????

watching white nerdy folks freak the fuck out….when porn starts playing in thier Best Buy lobby…..

OMG…. you just can not pay for entertainment like that….

xoxo

sugarbabies…

y’all generally give me a week to organize my thoughts … but…umm…lately… a few of y’all are stomping your feet rather impatiently… soo… rather than ignore you… (which ive been known to do … and will prob do again)

you get a “sloppy quickie” which in my world translates into …. a tidy lil list…. until i feel like sitting down and …banging out… you know… one that leaves you breathless…

… sooooo lets see now….

THINGS I DID

  • stayed out til 4 am dancing and laughing with an old friend…. note: that is actually how long it took for my feet to start hurting in those wicked 5 inch heels..but i think by the end of that night i could have been in puma’s and my feet woulda hurt
  • watched the sun come up from the roof of a building that you need at least a “top secret” clearance to get into
  • watched the redskins lose but didnt really care…. cause i had a cold beer and good friends sooo…whatevs
  • went to a “basement bhangra” party – with dj rekha – accidentally… and was reallly glad i did…. it was awesome
  • almost ran over flirted with a group of about 6 FFX cops..in TC’s hood… while they stood in the middle of the street…hhhhmm.. i thought only dc cops did that shit…..
  • mistook a tween Hannah Montana fan for a cancer victim…(evidently they wear wigs too…who knew??)
  • exchanged broken porn player to Best Buy…third circle of hell…. i swear to god… i wanted to fire bomb those sons of bitches… (im on the third one now for anyone keeping score)
  • had a migrane headache for the better part of two days
  • discovered the best won-ton soup ive ever had ….. here
  • lost and then found (thank the sweet baby jeebus) the front tag on “sex on wheels“…im such a lucky bitch …well that…..and the guys in my parking garage looove me…

a quickie can be a good thing...

  • rode around for two days with the top down ….its january people…. so i decided to just sell the hard top for my car… im just waaay to optimistic to really ever put the HARD TOP on… you just never know…
  • sent a fist full of thank you notes out…

THINGS I NEED TO DO

  • shop for bat mitzvah gifts (suggestions from the chosen among you welcome) before sat
  • hair color appt… (it aint easy being this blond) tomorrow 1130 am
  • eat some vegetables… ive only eaten crap for two months now
  • laser hair removal appt for my legs..im soo done with shaving them EVERY morning …friday 9am
  • cancel two of my three gym memberships…i can get by on a single gym in 2008…
  • write a real post for this freaking blog…. about allll the stuff you babies have been patiently waiting for… the good stuff….. the bad stuff and esp…… the boy stuff…..

xoxo

the good thing about not cooking…. (in that way) is…..

you can use the dishwasher AND the oven for storage…

in 2008 im gonna try a few of Lemmonex’s recipes!!!

I can cook!..just not THAT way...

dear god i hope i remember to take the empty pizza boxes out of the oven BEFORE i turn it on…..

NOTE: blond observation…

damn…. soccer moms …frantically trying to get to a hannah montana concert with a  mini van full of tween girls are ABSOLUTLEY the worst drivers EVER….come on bitches….you make teenage boys sweating a tokyo drift  look responsible….

xoxo

hi sugarbabies….

i hope this post finds you hungover… and cuddled up with hot cocoa or maybe a dif. kind of hottie…

ive been completely uplugged from the world for a bit… it has been kinda great…kinda like rehab..at first i had the jitters and was kinda surprised at how unnerving it can be to not have hi speed access to the internets..or your blackberrry for a few days…and ….then you realize that your survival realllllly isnt dependant on that stuff…. and you enjoy some of the simple pleasures that the holidays can bring… being surrounded by family (you eventuallly learn to love both the good and bad bits of that!!) …..

so a quick list…(my OCD loves a good list) should catch you up on what a certain blond has been up to the last few weeks:

  • shopping shopping and shopping… i waited til the last min… so the only about half my shopping was on the net this year… yikes..ill try not to make that mistake again
  • a certain pro athlete has texted me about 40 times since i let him buy me a drink back before christmas eve….dude…  give it up…im not interested in being the jessica to your romo…and you a$$holes had BETTER beat the cowboys tonight or im deleting you altogether 
  • the freaking porn player ate another porn…and wont spit it out!!! it is down AGAIN!!! rrrgh…

  • A-Cups AND Hawaiian Tropic stopped by the office to share some christmas love…. awww…. a-cups is good …likes her new job…they evidently are not as flexible about her schedule as she hoped…but i think im the ONLY boss who doesnt care if or when you come in ….as long as everything is done and I DONT have to come in….. Hawaiian Tropic…. has moved in with her boyfriend in NC and because he “travels alot” she hasnt worked since she left me…almost a year ago… she is loving life… good for her…but…. i would soooo love to see her take care of herself… and not just skate by on being super gorgeous…. she doesnt give herself enough credit….
  • another reason to looove the holidays…. i had rum cake for breakfast – often
  • and oh yeah…vodka for lunch – often   (i find i love family more ….with  a teeny cocktail)
  • curled up with a few good books..and a fire…. was heaven
  • opened a reallly good bottle of champagne to help a friend celebrate 1 year cancer free
  • attended a funeral…. while sometimes sad… it reminded me to make the most of my time….and that is a good thing
  • attended some parties that were not as much fun as the funeral…soooo that says something about how you live your life…i hope that someday… my funeral is a real blast!!!

 i supose in summary: i ate too much, drank too much, spent too much, drove too much, worked too much, recieved too much, slept too much,

and basically decided that a life of moderation….. as nice as that sounds…

an argumant for excess..

just isnt gonna happen …. cause well…. im lucky enough to be surounded by some of the most generous of friends and family…and im not talking about money and things…..they are generous with spirit, time, hope, love, and self….. 

and welll sugarbabies…. if you find yourself drowning in the well wishes of others…the least you can do….

is paddle as hard as you can! 

 and this year while i may decide to pass on the peanut butter fudge…possibly the gravy…. please be assured that ill be having a double helping of hope and charity and faith (and not the ones on the playboy channel… you pervs..)….. and i hope you will too…

sooo cheers sugarbabies…..to exxcess… of the best sort..in 2008

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…..

i had a post allll about my weekend and putting up the vintage aluminum christmas tree… and how i got some cowboys to help me…and the speeding ticket …. that would have been “reckless” ’cause well you know…..evidently i changed lanes something like 7 times in three miles…and at speeds over 75mph…. i didnt tell him i would have been doing about 95 BUT i was texting someone….

ok yeah..well nevermind about alll that…. cause….*sigh* last night…i found the PuuuuRFECT trench coat… you know ….tan …shoulder epaulets … a perfectly proportioned collar…belted… just the right length (neverrr happens)… the poor thing is just beggging….as in on its knees …. for some dark glasses ….. and naughty underthings…..

blond ultimatum...

a christmas freaking miracle…..

ahh…. im sooo in love……

xoxo

Cache

Twitter…try to keep up…ok??

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  • raise your hand if you are in danger of blowing the speakers on your imac with sweet child o mine.. what oh its just me? #tgif 22 hours ago
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