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Dear google+
thanks for threatening to suspend allll of my google services because you dont like my name…
if Gweneth Paltrow can name her daughter Apple (bet you wouldnt want that to catch on) and Jason Lee can name his kid Pilot Inspektor … and i worked with a kid named An2mar (with the number 2 for fucks sake)… then who are you to say i cant be SuicideBlond? … my LinkedIn profile is suicide blond, my Facebook page is suicide blond, my Twitter is @suicideblond my About.Me page is suicide_blond….my entire online presence is suicide_blond…. i have a credit card here from Chase Manhattan with the name suicide blond on it…my New Yorker magazine subscription comes to suicide_blond ….Klout sends perks to Suicide Blond pretty regularly (thanks kids!!) so maybe its not just my “online presence”….maybe the lines between IRL and Online are fuzzy…
but really…whats it to you and why is my name any of your business??? What name would satisfy you? the name on my birth certificate or the name my mother calls me, or maybe the name on my diploma or perhaps my confirmation name according to the catholic church….none of those are the same….
all of them are perfectly legitimate…
oh and thanks (i guess) for mentioning that i could still use Gmail… suicide_blond has been around since before Gmail existed… she doesnt take well to bullies and she still uses Yahoo…
...fml ..ive just referred to myself in the 3rd person…
but all of that aside…
i deleted my google+ account ages ago… google+ sucks…you have bigger problems than what name i answer to…and trust me… suicide_blond is one of the nicer ones….
xoxo
that awkward moment when youre in a swanky K street salon/spa…
getting all sorts of things done (cough *brazilian blowout* cough)
and folks keep telling you how amazing/expensive/ stunning/ your color looks…
and then a client says ..ohhh i want her color…
and everyone looks at the stylist who has been nodding at the color compliments all day…and she shrugs…
and everyone looks at you… and you say…
i get this $hit for 9 dollars at CVS …
xoxo
suicide_blond = dyed by her own hand
sugarbabies…
i reallly want someone to invent a new game… like rock, paper, scissors ….but with sex kittens, love birds, and little dogs…..
seems everyone wants to play these days…..
but the only games im interested in are short and sweet and end with a hug or a shrug…
and if thats not the game youre playing… if the stakes are high or the rules are complicated….then i fold… thanks anyway…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
shes the latest thing …. honeysuckle… pantones color of the year …just announced a few weeks ago..she arrived with much fanfare & a wee controversy regarding her name…
soooo i was feeling a bit uber trendy…not in a good way… when she made an impromptu appearance in my christmas color scheme this year…but she managed to win me over…
i paired her with bits of, last years color of the year, a Tiffany Blue, some Lipstick Red and my fave christmas color of all…Grinch Green… and have to admit …she was a hot pop of fun …two teen girls even commented on how pretty it all was …and teen girls dont like anything…(cept maybe taylor lautners abs)..so thats quite a compliment… she was surprisingly versatile and while i prob wont make any big commitments to her…im glad we met..and im sure we will see more of each other throughout the year…sooo while i dont see us in a long term relationship….i guess what im trying to say is… i hope we can still be friends..
xoxo
Daycare called to ask if they could put
almost 4lb Alice
in with the big dogs today …
evidently shes a bit “feisty” this morning…
2 hours later i called to check on her….
“oh … we put her back in with the little dogs…
she was TERRORIZING the big dogs“
great…
dear baby jebus…please do not let Alice get kicked out of private school… my mother will never let me live it down….and i think im starting to understand what she meant when she used to say …i hope you have one JUST LIKE YOU…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
i’m pregnant….i know its the last thing you expected…me too….
Happy New Year
ok ok
im just messing with you…but realllly i do mean the happy new year thing.. and im wishing alll kinds of good (and naughty) things for you all in the new year..
i just talked to my Dr. and im pretty sure that the INSANE case of PMS that i’ve had for several weeks that caused me to cry uncontrollably for almost a week…awesomeness… is merely the result of the new pill she put me on..
“oh yeah thats a common side effect” …..she told me alll casually…
like i hadnt spent the last few weeks believing myself to be completely loosing my grip …doing alll i could to avoid friends and parties…and… generally feeling like a blonder ann sexton (with better shoes of course)….
fucking the hells??
bitch couldnt have mentioned that????????
i decided to hate her..but…..i suck at that sooo i just burst into tears…
to which she replied…
im calling the pharmacy now… new pills AND some valium…
see… now i heart her…
soo if the mood swings dont kill me.. ill be blaming my red eyes on the chlorine….. as i head down to sit on santas lap in the swanky hot tubs of miami..
you kids dont wait up
xoxo
…great…
of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…
i need to eat something….what time is it??
3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….
ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….
yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….
do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning
here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….
glamour is a rocky road….
perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….
Skin flicks… lipstick… baby scribbles in the mirror…
i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…
and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…
damn these boots are hot ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me
drama overdoses….
yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…
i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..
it feels kinda good…
no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..
i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..
chickie babys gone off the deep end
pain….plain ole predictable foot pain… that im in CONTROL of….
is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…
and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…
no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….
god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….
i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf
change get back to the beginning…
i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..
i wanna get outta here…now…
change… go back to the beginning…
emotional honesty as bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …
i want out of here….
thoughtless words are like shadows…
where the fuck is my overnight bag???
where is my phone???
hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???
ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.
god dammit im outta soda pop…
i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…
from a world where words… are like graven images
zip these fucking boots up…
yeah im feeling a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….
bag? check.
lip gloss? check.
credit cards? check.
cell phone? check.
turn off the heat.. Check.
damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ‘em and fuck him tooo…
we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….
ok im out…
—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..
no he didnt just call me sweetness….
fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….
” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”
it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…
@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”
FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc
“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me! fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!
butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…
buses… roadies… a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….
where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…
change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….
born into a life where pain is your very best friend…
fuck… missed the light…there is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…
one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…
unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….
this town is toooo fucking small….
its the way of the wicked…
green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…
theres no time for love….
im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…
theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..
xoxo
****editors note****
i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..
xoxo
sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…
Now where to begin??????
maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:
“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and quietly judging me”
or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…
“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”
seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money??? have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….
he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)
so theres that…
you say bitch...like its a bad thing...
or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…
(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)
i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….
i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….
i am verrrrry smoooooth….
xoxo
i dropped my fave MARNI platform stilettos off at the cobbler this morning for a little sole soul…
i feel like a mom who just left her baby at the first day of kindergarten…
i know they will be ok…but i have to keep telling myself that the cobbler is qualified, and that the funny looks were just because they obviously think anyone wearing THOSE shoes and driving THAT car is a stripper …and they feel sorry for me ’cause im getting a bit old to be stripping for a living…NOT because they were planning to steal my shoes…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
evidently….i can be talked into just about annnny thing after enough wine and vodka….and if… after finishing off a decent bottle of red…i have a few vodka tonics….the idea might even be mine…
note to self: if you hare too tipsy to get your eyelashes on in three or four tries…for the love of all that is holy…stay home…curl up with some netflix…
soooo….
where were we??
- oh yes i was dwinking….check
- false eyelashes…check
- chanel lip gloss… check
- big barbarella hair…oh snap…check
- shoes that make mothers everywhere cry for their baby boys…. check
and im out the door… and in no time flat im… on a dance floor across town…
teasing more than my share of boys annnnd girls….
until a smarmy dude corners me at the bar and tells me im booooteeful…
umm thanks dude…
and that his wife (a tall blond in a low cut red dress … that looks like shed rather be in a turkish prison ….than this place)… lllurves me…..ok….cool…look i just wanted to dance and have a bit of fun..im not reallly into this stuff….
when over walks the party promoter…and calls me by name…hey suicide…we have misssed you!!!
….uhhh great….
i must have been reallllly fucked up…. because later i start gettting text messages from the smarmy swinger dude saying he has a saucy idea!!….somebody shoot me….
“lets exchange some pics …but only from the waste down….”
ewwwwww…. dude that is gross…i mean from the waist down is creepy …from the “waste” down…. welll…. we just wont go there… though…. i was tempted to send him a wicked pic of my kneecap… which everrrryone knows is my best feature…
this must have been what prompted me to throw my phone in a sewer drain….or whatever i did with it…cause the next morning…i have no idea where that lil piece of my heart has ended up…
and god must be punishing me….because my mac wont boot…im totalllly isolated…. AND i have to pack and leave town in less than two hours…
god bless….the business plan that now has the radio shack in my hood open at 9am on Sundays!! they found me a deal…googled an address for me… AND had a new blackberry in my grubby little paws…all in under 20 min….mad props…to the little kids employees in there who were soo helpful despite their own lil hangover issues!!…
soooo….anyway…that is a realllllly long way of saying…. if you know me …text me… cause right now i dont even have my mamma’s number…
xoxo
sugarbabies….
charity is more than a pornstar from the 80′s…on a recent sat. morning im working my way through my first quarter tax stuff….and i find a fairly large-ish amount allocated to Charitable Donations….while i do make chartiable donations….i generally remember them..and this one just wasnt ringing any bells with me… soo.. i pace… i scratch my head..and finally knowing its gonna bother me until i figure it out…and fearing another brush with id theft…i get in the car and head to the office… to look up the donation…
after a wee bit of investigating… i realized that my tax fella ….(who is older and obviously not that hip to the fashion scene) had assumed that all of my spending at TRUE RELIGION was charitable….
i giggled to myself…then said out loud…suck it uncle sam!!…
i mean seriously bitchez…the way these jeans make my ass look is totalllly charitable….
xoxo
suck it uncle sam...and not in the pervy way..in the sucky way
sugarbabies…the call went like this:
hello???
…oh hey…yeah im sorry for not calling you back the last few days…
ok ok…yeah its been a few weeks..
me? ..oh im doing ok …well…not really….
let me just put it to you this way…
im at the office and im wearing sneakers…
umm..no not the cute Chanel golf shoes…the ones i wear for taking out the trash..
yeah no shit…
rock fucking bottom…
yeah..that would be bottom bitch to you lovah….
yeah right…a few gay men here nearly collapsed
something about hell freezing over and a tear in the space time continuum ….
the straight guy noticed that i’m short…and asked if somebody crossed the streams…
ha fucking ha…
oh it gets better…
yeah waaaay better….
how long have we known each other??
that long…sooo…
you know how i take out any stress on my….wait for it…. sugarbabies…wait for it….
HAIR.
soooo…yeah… if you ever grab a six dollar bottle of hair dye from the Triple B and think…umm whats the worst thing that could happen??? my hair will be a different shade of blond…
yeah… welll…. thats not exactly true…
umm..yeah it could turn several other shades of blond..including orangey red and ummm some grayish purpley shades in some splotches…
i know…i know…. but it costs 4 bennies every freaking time…
right..umm …good point..now it will be $406.00
i know i know….but…INSTANT gratification……they were closed …right??? hair salons should fucking be like waffle houses… yeah 24 fuck!ng 7 …. otherwise $hit like this happens…. of course i called him!……uhhh yeah….i have his cell….
fuck that…hes not a boy…hes a HairDresser…
hes my therapist for christ sake…
HELLO!!…. do you know how often i color my hair???? i see him more often than the dry cleaner….
yeah hes gonna meet me at my place…. but he lives all the way in mclean….and he is booked all day..so it will take a while
yeah…its that bad
housecall bad…
its like ive falllen into the abysss….
right??
sneakers…bad hair day… Sex on Wheels is in the shop….
oh but…let me tell you something…….
the good part about driving the loaner..
if somebody is checking you out at a light or something…..its SUCH an ego boost….
yeah …
no its totalllly different….
if youre in SOW you never KNOW if they checking out you….or the car…..
yeah and if the top is not down ..you know..folks have to REALLLY be interested to notice that my hair color is whacked off the chain..
i know, i know…im gonna start cruising in ghetto sleds…just for my ego….
i dunno whats your weekend look like??
im supposed to go to a party up in adams morgan…but… i dunno… ill prob duck out early…
yeah i know….NO…cause i think it sounds kinda nasty…like a stripper move…
….hitting bottom…
sounds like EVERY weekend
oh wait… that is slapping a$$ …whatever…yeah…im feeling a lot better…
yeah ..im gonna go put on some real shoes…
yeah there is a pair of pointy ass michael kors stilettos in the supply closet….the black ones with two ankle straps….they look like a dominatrix would wear em…
i know…i LOVE that in a shoe…
yeah..but im gonna look sooopa slutty cause….
i’m in khaki shorts and my johnny cash t-shirt.
i know..if i didnt know you better …id think this was one of those
“heavy breathing..what are you wearing phone calls”…
is it narcissistic of me to think everyone is looking at my hair??
i mean….youd be pressed to find a bigger attention whore than me…but still.
yeah your right…ok well … maybe no one will notice…
umm….i take that back…a guy in the office across the hall just drew a life size picture of me with sharpies..with purple and orange hair…and printed TRAGIC in this realllly expensive font i just bought across the top… and..umm..i gotta go..he is heading down the hall..to post it in the break room….yeah.
thanks
ok ..
talk to you later……
bye…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
even blonds have bad days… like this morning the time i was driving down constitution ave… and when i pushed the clutch with my left foot….it went to the floor with nary annnnny resistance at all….
ahhhh shit….damn it sex on wheels…. dont die…. dont leave me… i need you… i cant get out of this town without you…im NOT leaving you behind…im NOT leaving you HERE… you hear me?? youre too important to me… you were voted best engineered car by a fancy magazine…. what would i do without you????? we are a team…a tiny little topless hard driving sexy six gears double clutching catching boys off guard team…..and….well…. i know you’ve never heard me say it but…. i love you… there…i said it and i dont care who hears me…i LOVE YOU…. please please…. thats good….thats right…. you can do it… if we can just get over the bridge….i think we can make it…
to be continued…..
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
for reasons i wont go into here and now…(this bitch is discreet if nothing else)…. i recently had occasion to be shopping at both Tiffany and Co. AND Cartier… personally i think Tiffany’s is *bitched…but whatever… at BOTH lil shops folks commented on my enamel and brass elephant bracelet..
pictured here…
cute right?? yeah i like it too… i wear it kind of often..
sooo….. i wasnt surprised when the salesgirl from cartier mentioned that she liked it…
what did surprise me …
was when a “girl” i can only describe as
Kim Kardashian with more crazy….and a harsh jersey accent …spoke up….
“i dont do vintage” she said…
then nodding at my bracelet…
“i’ve seen a bracelet like that before” she kept going…
“really???” i feigned interest … (i can be polite to a fault) ….. she kept going…
“i saw it at <insert name of expensive jeweler that specializes in estate jewelery> ” … she kept going..
“and if you ask me <note: no one had> 4k is tooo much to spend for something some other person has been wearing… maybe if it was platinum….or had some bling…i dont get that whole vintage thing?? its like goodwill or sum thang”….
my response was quick and casual….
“huummmm well… i can see why you might feel that way…..but this was a gift from <insert name of famous rockstar here> when we were together a few years ago…. it was his grandmothers.. he wouldnt take it back when we..umm…stopped seeing each other…even his mom told me to keep it…so i still wear it on occasion”
her eyes widened…her jaw dropped… “OH…well that is different -that’s family”
i pointed out that it wasnt MY family…. she looked confused… then asked if she could look closer…i extended my wrist…and gently slid my cashmere sweater sleeve up…..** she fondled the largest elephant with reverence…
“you can really tell the quality by the weight” she said ….unable to hide her new admiration for the chunky bit of jewelry she had rudely dismissed…
she left…mumbling something about heading back to the estate jewelry place for a second look at that “vintage crap” …..
i smiled and turned back to the sales girl …. who …..wisely…. had been quiet through the exchange…
“wow…when did you date <rockstar>” ?? …. she asked politely….
in the 90′s…. i replied…. but …we only went out a few times…
“and he gave you his grandmothers bracelet”??? she asked incredulously….
ummm..no…. this old thing??? i got it for 30 bucks at JCrew….
we both giggled….she might even have doubled over and given me a little girly fist bump that im sure they frown on in Cartier sales training…
— so to jersey kim—
suck it bitch…nobody asked you!
xoxo
ed notes
* -bitched- is how my friends and i described has been trends…. its a bad translation of a bad (local to barranquia columbia) slang spanish word… dont ask…
**that one was for you uncle keith
hi sugarbabies….
the green i know best ….cash…. and evidently…. i spent sooo much of it this past weekend….that my banker called today to make sure that all the transactions were “authorized“….seriously….my banker is cute as a button…a sexy, older, clooney-esque button…ive had a crush on him since the 90′s…. maybe that is what moved me to try to “explain” things as we went through the list of charges…
SAFEWAY ….at first i denied this one…ummm no i dont think thats me…where was it?? ….then i remembered picking up three boxes of diet mt dew and hitting the wine aisle in the burbs…..oh yeah yeah that one is ok
GALLERY PLACE (atm withdrawal)… yeah.. some walking around money..
LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah…i was trying to get them to name a new cocktail after me..i dont know…some brazilian fruit that i cant remember… haha…ok ill tell him to make it expensive…like me
ASIA 9: ummmm yeah…. they’re new…have you ever had sparkling saki??? or lychee martini shots?? no? umm yeah they were great..umm yeah they are kind of expensive….but i think there was sushi too and maybe tiramisu …i know that does sound like a nasty combination… seemed like a good idea at the time…
LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah after the lesbian club we went back there….no they comped us VIP style at the lesbian party… yeah… well…next time you come over ill take you…i know i know ….but no…it wasnt that kind of lesbian party….no it was more like a jerry springer episode…ok ok…next time you can be the judge….but reallly sugar…you should trust me on some of this stuff…
DUNKIN DONUTS: yeah that was prob me… (sour cream ..they are my fave… coffee sweet with lots of milk….in case anyone is taking notes)
GORDON BIERSCH: umm….yeah hangover pizza, love…
VALENTINO: yeah.. well i needed something to wear… yeah i know how much that is… youre absolutely right…i could have made the freaking dress out of money for less…. i know love… but…trust me… the way that dress hugs a curve is… priceless…
SUGAR DVD: ummm yeah thats ok too… a girl needs her PR0N….and … netflix is sooo *yawn* you know….vanilla…
FADO….umm yeah i know…frat boys but…its not LNS…and i had promised…. i couldnt get out of it…
IRISH CHANNEL… yeah that was me…i know i know….jeeezuz …youre not telling me anything i dont know…now youre my mom???
CLYDES: yeah ….well …. i was tired of irish people….. yes …. especially my family….
HAGEN DAZ …yeah… i didnt know they were open that late either!…girlfriend needed a dazzler…
TARGET…. yeah ..it just opened…it has this really cool “cart escalator” yeah it was already broken.. i cant wait til somebody leaves their kid in it… yeah well columbia heights is not MIT…
ITUNES…. yeah… the new erykah badu…. yeah it sounds like all her stuff…but…thats good cause i like her stuff… yeah..i accidentally bought it twice….what do you want from me???…i was dwinking…you can fix that?? sweet…thanks….
CVS: yeah… well.. pharmaceuticals love…
UNITED AIRLINES: yeah… thats mine…. yeah im stilllll on the road too much…im getting toooo old for it… no seriously..i am….whatever….
SAN JOSE HOTEL: yep… i know.. right??…boutique place that gets it … umm no im not gonna be in town for the NCAA tournament… yeah well dont tell …. course you can stay there…make yourself at home…but… i should warn you…. i think im out of toilet paper…you might want to go prepared…
you know its a good thing you arent a stalker…or psycho…you sure have a lot of information bout me there…really?? what does it say???…. no shit… cool….soo i could basically spend a few grand in vegas …and that wouldnt trigger anything??? thats funny…i hardly even go to vegas … soooo what DID trigger the system to red flag my account?? i mean …none of these charges seem out of the ordinary….
no problem take your time…
oh… YOU ARE $HITTING ME…. but… people do THAT alll the time… really?… youre kidding… sooooo youre saying i havent spent more than twenty five dollars in a grocery store on my debit card since 2003???– whats that like 4 or 5 years???? fuuuuuuck me…….
xoxo
sugarbabies…
GOOD: coming home after a late night out…. and sneaking a bite of ice cream straight from the carton before collapsing on the bed…
BAD: waking up in the morning to find said carton of ice cream in the ….wait for it…. refridgerator…
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
its probably the vodka talking…but whatevs … you deserve it…. youve been xxxtra patient with me…
you deserve a post….
soooo ive been sick…i know youre allll tired of hearing it…. not as tired as i am of battling the flu ebloa virus …but…. tired… sooo ….. a few times i managed to drag myself out of bed and stir up trouble… a couple of times…i thought i was better for a day or two… then BAM…back to bed with boxes of PuffsUltra… its the little in between bits that im gonna try to put down in words here… maybe a list would work?? ill try…in no particular order…..
- went to brunch at 12:30 at a tex mex place….and it ended at 1:30 am crashing a corner vip booth and getting felt up by lesbians in a club….with quick side trips to a swanky furniture store and a crowded irish pub…..some days…. the party starts early….
- spent valentines day with this fella…. whatever…. he was persistent….and sweet…
- accidentally called a clients laptop…his porn player… in a big ole business meeting…. as in… “here *dude* (not his real name) pass me your porn player….i know how to make it work for you “…..when the room went dead silent…. i then added…ever so professionally… “umm…. i guess…..thats what she said?”…. in spite of… or because of?? not sure which… i still got the job…
- pretty sure i gave myself heavy metal poisoning … trying to eat cracker barrel cheese and instead eating a bunch of the wrapper…. yeah i know…must be a blond thing….
- kissed a boy from NYC…prob gave him the Ebola virus…oops sorry dude…
- found myself
drivingskidding across the TR Bridge during a random winter storm that pretty much reduced “sex on wheels” to a very expensive sled… if not for the weird as hell hours that i keep… im sure i woulda totally crashed….DO NOT WANT!!! - encountered the following
clusterfuckminor setbacks trying to make Lemmonex’s champagne pear cupcakes- no mixer in my kitchen
- no grater in my kitchen
- no cupcake tin in my kitchen
- no measuring cups
- no measuring spoons
- no knife (ok ok … there are a few butter knives and two steak knives that i stole from the austin grill…fucking classy eh??)…i know the recipe doesnt call for knives..but at this point….i wanted to stab something…
- no mixing bowls (only chinese rice bowls… go figure)
- couldnt open the champagne bottle ……isnt THAT what boys are for?????
- dont have foggiest idea how to “sift” things together….is that somehow different from stirring???
- cant exactly turn on the oven portion of my stove…. its gas… im afraid im gonna kill myself…sticking my head in the oven to peek in and see if i can see that wee bit of blue flame under the pan thingy…and trying turn the knob and adjust the gas flow at the same time….
- and…last but not least…i was wearing these panties…..
i know, i know…. who still wears panties????
but …i do …cause they are cute….
and i was wearing these…
cause they were new…but they were scrunching up under my jeans… sooo….
i decided kamakazi was a better idea…
sooo….. i go to the ladies room…. pull off my jeans… and was taking my panties off…when they got tangled in my 5 inch tall “free gas” stilettos… this sends me careening and i certainly would have fallen completely over…but the stall was small…. so i kinda caught myself with my elbow but not before i slam my hip into the toilet paper holder and in the process… manage to knock my jeans over and into the toilet….. yep…sugarbabies….. being a sex kitten…. is NOT all bonbons and bacon ice cream…
xoxo
sugarbabies..
ive been avoiding his calls the last few weeks… so last night he left me a long message… he’d been drinking…so it was a drunk dial….. whatever…..
he says … he wishes he had never met me… that …im like heroin…. and he wants to quit…but cant…
he constantly wonders where i am and who im with…
i couldnt help but giggle… sugarpie…. you say that every time!! and you expect different results??? isnt that the definition of crazy????
DUDE… your starting to sound like a freaking stalker…. and just because you send obscenely expensive gifts doesnt make your stalker stuff…any sexier…
im completely ambivalent….
thanks for the presents…now come on…..get over it already….jeez…. boys… can be soooo freaking dramatic at christmas…
xoxo
hi sugarbabies….i just kicked back into a vodka tonic… like it was an easy chair... damn.. i love a good vodka tonic…
i wrote several posts last week..i just didnt POST any of them… when i re-read them they were…well… whiney…. who wants to hear a sex kitten whine???… *achem*… its just not sexy…. sooooo…
i deleted em all…. and poured a vodka tonic….
decided… that…in the words of one of my fave songwriters…
I’m not living like i should….
and if i had to sum up the last few weeks…..without whining….it would shake out kinda like this:
- i went to a lesbian party….just to feel xtra pretty….is that sooo wrong??
id believe in something if i could … but im not living like i should
- a hookah bar (yeah yeah..whatever…. it was a new neighborhood and i was happy to be anonymous for a bit)
i know that there will come a day… a heavy price i’ll have to pay
- waved at the crowds from a float in a christmas parade… ok ok..i wasnt a beauty queen…but i WAS …the cute-est “cindy lou who” there…. ok ok…i was the cute-est cindy lou who ..that was old enuff to have a vodka tonic on the float with her….
i keep pretending to be good…but im not living like i should
- worked…. more than usual….but yeah who cares im freaking glad to have job in this economy -decided not having an assistant is way better than not having a job..and its not THAT hard…if i have a few vodka tonics @ lunch
i let the mystery slip away… chasing foolish things all day
- met a cute boy in an unlikely place….. maybe more to follow… maybe not…
i say a prayer i knock on wood…. but im not living like i should
- defended the rights of go-go bars in dc with Freckles….jeez…i wish some folks would get a life…
i just wanted to be good… but im not living like i should
- crashed a party in my building… and “SCORED” 3 bottles of top shelf vodka from the bar… snuck onto the roof, committed a few misdemeanors (how naked can ya get before it is illeagal in dc??) and generally acted like teenagers…(some folks in my building are BAD influences..reallllly bad)
spin the bottle cap… throw a shot back…
- bought a fancy new dress that is cut sooooo…um…inappropriately…
but for whatever reason...people indulge slutty clothes if the cost is proportionally inappropriate….so ill be considered “well dressed” when in fact..ill just be “expensively dressed” – like a hooker- …note to self: stop fucking with people …just because you can…
a guilty woman where a child once stood….. im not living like i should
but….never fear sugarbabies…
i have it on good authority that santa baby.…kinda thinks it IS nice when im naughty…
xoxo
ps..the bold italic is not me…that is Slaid..i wish i was as clever as Slaid but…im not…thats why the good lord saw fit to give me great tits… “we alllll have our talents… and he expects us to use ‘em…” …. well… at least THATS what my aunt doris says..
oh sugarbabies, “sex on wheels” …is a precision piece…. of german engineering… and sometimes i think..maybe someone should take the keys away from me… ALLL of the below happened within the last 30 days…
- a chick… rear ended her on 66… and i didnt get her ins info or anything cause from the way she was hysterically crying i figured she didnt have any.. AND… i wanted to hurry home cause there was porn i wanted to watch….(i wish this wasnt true..but it is)
- i noticed that i had driven close to 50,000 miles without an oil change…so …i freaked . the fuck . out…i called the service manager at the dealer..and told him…hey Mike..you might need to come tow sex on wheels in…. i havent changed her oil in 50k miles… (for the record..she only needs an oil change every 15k) … He asked if she had been driving ok..and i said yes…so he said to drive her on over …if you dont make it …we’ll come get ya… so i did… when i got there…he took the keys …and was gone for five min…on his way back in he playfully smacked the back of my head… “you were looking at the Trip odometer… which has 5 thousand miles on it… you dont need an oil change for another 10 thousand miles….blondie”……
- i made an appt to get her winter tires put on… after driving around with the new tires for a day..i called Mike again… umm..Mike…there is a weird clunk when i take corners fast…did y’all notice any problems with the suspension when she was up on the racks??? …um no ..better bring her back…we will check it out… so…. back i go… they found the problem pretty quick… a water bottle rolling around under my seat….
sooo..im gonna go out on a limb here…and say..
ive pretty much lost ALLLLL credability with Mike…
and the entire crew over at the service dept… and im pretty sure i wont live any of it down anytime soon….
this may require me moving to another area…
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
my tolerance for douchbagy behavior is at an all time low… rrgh…it went something like this….
4pm… text message from realllly rich man boy i used to see kinda often…
Im in town can i buy you a drink…
- douch move..if you haven’t seen me in mos. freaking call…i know rejection is easier in the form of a text…but grow some balls…call
i responded that i was tied up til late (not that way…*sigh*…i wish..)
he insisted…..would 8pm be late enough?…
- douche move..take no for an answer
i reluctantly agreed…
About 6pm i thought about canceling…but…
before i could… i get another text saying hes at one of the new uber fancy bars in my neighborhood.. waiting…
rrrgh.. TWO HOURS EARLY….
- third douche move in two hours…not good
i sucked it up and thought..ok… well hes close by… i can do it…
i sighed as i turned off … a really good episode of CSI…
and walked out into the cold…
things went ok for about 15 min… he asked how i had been.. and almost managed to look like he cared…
i explained that i :
- had been realllly busy….ugh…
- was reallly exhausted… and..
- a good friends young daughter had been diagnosed with some realllly freaking scary asss medical shit….
through that conversation ..i stayed upbeat and positive…
BUT then… he said how he had been dealing with some real shit too..
oh no! i thought… thinking of his aging parents or some such thing…
…and im not making this up…
he starts going offff…about how he cant get the phone in his new Mercedes to work…
he works himself all up…slamming his phone on the bar…
- psycho douche move
now granted it can be frustrating to pay 90k for a new car and then have shit not work…
but damn it…
that is NOT a real problem
that is an inconvenience… there is a difference…
and if you have sooo much money that your attorney suggests that you start a charitable fund..to defray your tax liability….you should to know it…..
- douche move…I don’t want to sit in a bar and just nod my head at your silly rant… conversations go two ways…
quite frankly…the whole thing turned my stomach….
to the point that i told him…
umm ..look ..im gonna pass on the dinner offer….im really tired…
soooo then…. he invited me to a big party on sat night… in Miami…
- douche move…but..hey… who is counting???and i left out a few others…
Oh..wish i could… i said…but i already have plans…
that MADE HIM MAD…. no shit!!!
- douche move ..uh..youre upset that I cant go to a party in ANOTHER state without more than three days notice?? Fuck You…if i even LIKED you at the moment..i might consider it..but um…i dont…
i also told him:
“look sugarpie…youve had a few more drinks than me…so im gonna chalk it up to that..but…im sorry to have to be the one to tell you… you have waay toooo good a life to be concentrating on a bunch of petty negative shit… none of your problems cant be fixed with money..and you have plenty of it…”
and i left…
WORST PART… i looked freaking stunning…
what a fucking waste….
after i ditched him i went to chipotle…
ordered a chicken bowl… i watched the girl put a sloppy spoonful of guac on the top…
at that moment..
i knew id made the right decision… walking away from him…
i deleted him from my cell phone…
paid for my chicken bowl…
and walked quite contentedly back out into the cold…
xoxo
UPDATE: i got a text this morning saying please dont contact him…. ummm..dude..i have NEVER contacted YOU…i dont call boys….. maybe YOU should stop contacting ME…ya think??..you f-ing psycho!!
sugar babies…
have you ever had one of those days…
the kind where you are getting ready to go out.. AND watching I LOVE NEW YORK… and sooo you decide..yeah..i should totallly wear some bad a$$ shoes and false eyelashes tonight…yeah… that is sooo what jenna jameson would do…
and then you get the glue in your eye… and while technically this shouldnt blind you… you begin to wonder if that is actually the case….so you sit down on the bed..waiting for your eye to stop tearing…
and then you start talking on the phone…
and then you realize you are running late…so you grab some lip gloss and head out the door…
and then you think..wow…i must look smoking hot in these fake eyelashes cause everyone is sooo checking me out….
and then you find your girlfriend at the bar….
and then she starts digging around in her bag and comes up with a mirror….
and then she wordlessly hands it to you…
and THEN you realize… you forgot to put on the other eyelash…
and THEN…you think…ummm… maybe just maybe….youre the ONLY person this shit happens to
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
ok ok..maybe EVERYONE else has seen it..but…i never had…
and i was on my way into the office early this morning soo.. i was sitting in traffic… with no coffee… no breakfast (the most important meal of the day)… and feeling kinda grumpy…
till i spotted…the
BEST.BUMPER STICKER.EVER
If you are gonna ride my ass….at least pull my hair….
brilliant…
i dont know who that chick is..but i love her…
and i showed up at work with a grin… so i kinda owe her…
after i got some coffee… i went to the blessed internets.. and orderd 2 of them…
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
have i mentioned my love hate relations ship with Cockcast, my theoretical cable supplier?? no??.. really??
it is almost 10:30 am…..i am waiting for the cable repair man “technician” they like to be called techs now……. for the second time in two weeks mind you… the window today was from 8 – 11 am…..no kidding….i dont see 8 am that often… its not sooo bad…… sooo i wake up …early ugh… run up the street for coffee…. and get a polite confirmation phone call from headquarters…note..if you miss the phone call your appt is voided… she told me the tech would call me when he was on his way….again if you miss the call… your appt is voided…. when i asked if they were sending me the hot one…that is in all those cinemax movies…she laughed… and said..umm… prob. not…
great… all this and i prob still wont be able to work that cable guy fantasy out of my system……..sooo..ive beeen completely paranoid all morning….about missing “The Call”…... sooo…
cant get in the shower..might miss the call….
took phone with me to the toilet….. dont want to miss the call
got completely irrational about the possibility that my phone could fall into the toilet.. and i would umm..you guessed it….miss the call..
all this and …i dont have cable… so my tv choices are limited to…. charmed….yeah the one with shannon dougherty, alyssa milano , and the chick nobody knows…. OR…
Walker Texas Ranger…..
i guess you know i HAD to go with Chuck Norris… i mean..it IS CHUCK NORRIS..
sooo now im watching Walker Texas Ranger..afraid to go to the bathroom…and out of coffee…
this is too pathetic….
i havent waited by the phone for a boy since…um… the eighties… ok ok..maybe last week…
xoxo
sugarbabies..its been oh i dunno a week..
and my ocd is pushing me to write a post with bullet points….what follows is a kind of… since we last spoke…. list
- “he hearts me”….is out of the state.. i got a text message saying sorry i scared you.. huumm….wonder what gave it away?? evidently i didnt hide my terror as well as i thought…
- snuck into a “technically” closed art gallery with a boy and made out…..a little….. in the dark…in front of some of the better pieces..
- had a fella take me to a gay bar for dinner…he also recapped his brazilian wax experience….you read that right…HIS BRAZILIAN…. he might be just teeeny bit too
metro sexualgay for me to actually date…and when i say date …i mean sleep with… - skipped a cocktail party full of douchbag lawyers…. to get cheap mexican food with a way cute lawyer.. only to have douchbag hockey fans get involved and show their nipples… to the poor family that was seated behind me…. the kids were asking…”Mommy why is that guy doing that???” to which mommy responded.. “Its because of that girl”…ohh great..blame the victim… whatever…note to self..no more encouraging drunk assholes….. speaking of ass
- today i realized i am gonna have to give up NPR if they dont stop talking about asbergers disorder.. i realize that there are a lot of unfortunate disorders and diseases out there…and if a person is ALREADY saddled with that… why for the love of baby jeezuz…would you name said disorder some thing as wretched as .. asbergers…pronounced ..you guessed it…ASS- Burgers??? wouldnt this just add to their torment.. ..sooo for three days now….every time someone tells diane rehm or kojo nnambi “I have Ass Burgers”...or..“i was diagnosed late in life with ass burgers” i loose my train of thought…..and giggle….
basically sugarbabies…… between ass burgers and blogging..i havent worked in three days…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
soaking a heart in two bottles of prime argentinian red wine… doesnt make breaking it… any easier…
when he told me he had lied to me..
i just laughed..
“whatever…… you’re not the first guy to lie to me… as a matter of fact, i dont even think this would be the first time YOU have lied to me…. so just spit it out…”
Then i noticed he was really serious and i thought…oh shit… here we go…
“remember when i told you i really cared about you”…. he started …..
now i see where this is going..and its gonna be a train wreck.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it…. why the hell didnt ANYBODY ask me to do ANYTHING….on monday night so i wouldnt have gotten myself into this shit…..
damn.. damn..damn..
Im looking around…
jean claude had told him not to order a second bottle of a wine that good…..and i realize… too late… how right that had been.
jeeeezuz… now im desperately giving jean claude the “i need coffee and a cab signal”…
but he’s not gonna let me get away that easy…..and he keeps talking…..even though ive pretty much made it clear…. that…
i dont want to hear what he wants to say…
“look sugar pie… you’ve had too much of that stuff (nodding at the wine bottle) for me to take anything you say seriously”…
he keeps going ..insisting that the wine is just what he needed.. and that he had planned to play the evening all cool and aloof…but he’s leaving town in the morning and doesnt want to go without having this conversation…..
because… depending on how it goes..
he may not come back to DC…until he absolutely has to…
jeeezuz…
menboys can be dramatic…
i try to change the subject and tell him i know of an emerging artist that would looove the opportunity to paint a mural on the side of one of his buildings…
he waves his hand… he can paint them all…(just clear it with the city..so they dont paint over it …and then send me a bill….) ok …so something good might come of the night…
jean claude brings the coffee…espresso…. a double shot…but i dont need it…..im perfectly sober now…
i push it across the table… if he is drinking he cant talk…right??
not so.. he downs it like a shot…
great.. two bottles of liquid courage followed by a double shot of i can do this allll night…. im an idiot…
The black caucus is in town… a young lobbyist works up his nerve and makes his way over from the bar…..relief sweeps in.. but.. ummm…nope…..
he sends the kid back to the bar… saying….we are in the middle of something serious…
damn… damn… damn…..
i give the youngster the “f-ing help me out here!!” face…
but typical dc douchy lobbyist….hes not gonna step in on a power player…..just to help a girl…
the kid disappeared…
now hes looking all serious again…… he says he only comes to dc these days to see me…
…. this is kinda shocking because… the fucker fella hasnt even called me in months… i just got an afternoon text message that said…
can you meet me at Ruths Chris 7pm??
it keeps going …and well..
they spill out.. he says he didnt want to do it like this ..but he is gonna anyway…
and out they come… those scary three words …. the ones that i cant say for sure which is scarier
saying them….
or hearing them???
allll i know is…..
i cant even type them…
and tuff as i am…
i dont want to watch anyone cough up the bloody mess commonly referred to as a heart…
and then have to choke it down again…
….they just dont make enough argentinian red to make that palatable….
its even harder if it someone you like..
someone you wish the best for..
someone you know you are NOT the right person for….
someone who wants you to spend the winter with him on his fancy yacht….anchored off a sunny beach….
but….truthfully….i was only there because the guy i had wanted to have dinner with….hadnt called…. isnt it always like that???
i did the only thing i could…
i kissed him on the cheek….
and walked away….
i probably would have run..but..umm….these shoes realllly are five freaking inches tall
maybe…..
if he had better taste in music…. he might have listened to some Tom Waits….
and might have known that girls like me…
really any girl in these shoes…
is just an open invitation …
to the blues…
xoxo
thinner isnt always better…
oh sugarbabies…in the past i have always subscribed to the “never too rich or too thin” school of thought.. but this thin thing.. i have re-thought… i work with a girl who is too thin…we alll cringe when she wears a skirt and her leeeetle toothpicks are on display….the poor little thing..i NEVER thought i would EVER say anybody was tooo thin..but there she is… and now…
it has happened ….to …*sigh*… one of our favorite pornstars… poor little jenna jameson …is too thin..and recently looks too strung out to be considered sexy or even pretty at the moment… poor little thing…
i hope she gets help soon… she got a great new haircut..but she followed it up with crazy collagen lip job ewww… her facelift “eye-lift”looks just gross too… and she has crossed into ana territorty…
sooooo…. at least till she gets some help…sorry love …(and she cant be tooo disapointed since technically she IS retired)… you are not my favorite pornstar anymore…. you couldnt hold the spot forever…
we both knew that….
and you had a good run..
really you did…..
but
the crown is getting passed to ……*drumroll please*……
jesse jane… (yeah, yeah, yeah…. big surprise….. i know…)
there was some of her stuff waiting for me when i got home from Texas… (screw netflix…subscribe to a “movie by mail service” with some balls people)
i think the lesson here…is not about getting old… but about being comfortable with yourself…. and for whatever reason… jenna jameson clearly isnt comfortable with herself right now…..hell..i dont think anybody is comfortable with her right now.. that just isnt sexy people… not even a teeny little bit…
xoxo
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