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oh sugarbabies… a weekend is a terrrible thing to waste! whats that?? you dont have dinner plans?? no worries sugar…just follow these quick easy steps :
- get your hair done
- drop the top
- (this one is important) …get lost in great falls ( where the median home value 1.5million)
- agree to buy lunch in exchange for directions back to DC
- forget your wallet (doh!)
- agree to make it up to him and buy DINNER …IF he ever gets lost in your neck of the woods
- wait 24 hours for him to call saying he’s “lost” at the capital grille @ 6th and Pennsylvania
- agree to rescue him (and thank heavens you know a few of the staff so its not toooo weird that he somehow found your number -and trust me it aint easy-)
- pull a particularly sweet pair of pradas out of their box
- … let nature take its course….
xoxo
…great…
of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…
i need to eat something….what time is it??
3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….
ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….
yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….
do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning
here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….
glamour is a rocky road….
perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….
Skin flicks… lipstick… baby scribbles in the mirror…
i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…
and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…
damn these boots are hot ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me
drama overdoses….
yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…
i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..
it feels kinda good…
no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..
i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..
chickie babys gone off the deep end
pain….plain ole predictable foot pain… that im in CONTROL of….
is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…
and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…
no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….
god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….
i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf
change get back to the beginning…
i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..
i wanna get outta here…now…
change… go back to the beginning…
emotional honesty as bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …
i want out of here….
thoughtless words are like shadows…
where the fuck is my overnight bag???
where is my phone???
hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???
ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.
god dammit im outta soda pop…
i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…
from a world where words… are like graven images
zip these fucking boots up…
yeah im feeling a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….
bag? check.
lip gloss? check.
credit cards? check.
cell phone? check.
turn off the heat.. Check.
damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ‘em and fuck him tooo…
we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….
ok im out…
—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..
no he didnt just call me sweetness….
fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….
” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”
it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…
@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”
FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc
“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me! fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!
butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…
buses… roadies… a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….
where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…
change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….
born into a life where pain is your very best friend…
fuck… missed the light…there is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…
one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…
unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….
this town is toooo fucking small….
its the way of the wicked…
green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…
theres no time for love….
im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…
theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..
xoxo
****editors note****
i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..
xoxo
hi sugarbabies…
its probably the vodka talking…but whatevs … you deserve it…. youve been xxxtra patient with me…
you deserve a post….
soooo ive been sick…i know youre allll tired of hearing it…. not as tired as i am of battling the flu ebloa virus …but…. tired… sooo ….. a few times i managed to drag myself out of bed and stir up trouble… a couple of times…i thought i was better for a day or two… then BAM…back to bed with boxes of PuffsUltra… its the little in between bits that im gonna try to put down in words here… maybe a list would work?? ill try…in no particular order…..
- went to brunch at 12:30 at a tex mex place….and it ended at 1:30 am crashing a corner vip booth and getting felt up by lesbians in a club….with quick side trips to a swanky furniture store and a crowded irish pub…..some days…. the party starts early….
- spent valentines day with this fella…. whatever…. he was persistent….and sweet…
- accidentally called a clients laptop…his porn player… in a big ole business meeting…. as in… “here *dude* (not his real name) pass me your porn player….i know how to make it work for you “…..when the room went dead silent…. i then added…ever so professionally… “umm…. i guess…..thats what she said?”…. in spite of… or because of?? not sure which… i still got the job…
- pretty sure i gave myself heavy metal poisoning … trying to eat cracker barrel cheese and instead eating a bunch of the wrapper…. yeah i know…must be a blond thing….
- kissed a boy from NYC…prob gave him the Ebola virus…oops sorry dude…
- found myself
drivingskidding across the TR Bridge during a random winter storm that pretty much reduced “sex on wheels” to a very expensive sled… if not for the weird as hell hours that i keep… im sure i woulda totally crashed….DO NOT WANT!!! - encountered the following
clusterfuckminor setbacks trying to make Lemmonex’s champagne pear cupcakes- no mixer in my kitchen
- no grater in my kitchen
- no cupcake tin in my kitchen
- no measuring cups
- no measuring spoons
- no knife (ok ok … there are a few butter knives and two steak knives that i stole from the austin grill…fucking classy eh??)…i know the recipe doesnt call for knives..but at this point….i wanted to stab something…
- no mixing bowls (only chinese rice bowls… go figure)
- couldnt open the champagne bottle ……isnt THAT what boys are for?????
- dont have foggiest idea how to “sift” things together….is that somehow different from stirring???
- cant exactly turn on the oven portion of my stove…. its gas… im afraid im gonna kill myself…sticking my head in the oven to peek in and see if i can see that wee bit of blue flame under the pan thingy…and trying turn the knob and adjust the gas flow at the same time….
- and…last but not least…i was wearing these panties…..
i know, i know…. who still wears panties????
but …i do …cause they are cute….
and i was wearing these…
cause they were new…but they were scrunching up under my jeans… sooo….
i decided kamakazi was a better idea…
sooo….. i go to the ladies room…. pull off my jeans… and was taking my panties off…when they got tangled in my 5 inch tall “free gas” stilettos… this sends me careening and i certainly would have fallen completely over…but the stall was small…. so i kinda caught myself with my elbow but not before i slam my hip into the toilet paper holder and in the process… manage to knock my jeans over and into the toilet….. yep…sugarbabies….. being a sex kitten…. is NOT all bonbons and bacon ice cream…
xoxo
sugarbabies…
y’all generally give me a week to organize my thoughts … but…umm…lately… a few of y’all are stomping your feet rather impatiently… soo… rather than ignore you… (which ive been known to do … and will prob do again)
you get a “sloppy quickie” which in my world translates into …. a tidy lil list…. until i feel like sitting down and …banging out… you know… one that leaves you breathless…
… sooooo lets see now….
THINGS I DID
- stayed out til 4 am dancing and laughing with an old friend…. note: that is actually how long it took for my feet to start hurting in those wicked 5 inch heels..but i think by the end of that night i could have been in puma’s and my feet woulda hurt
- watched the sun come up from the roof of a building that you need at least a “top secret” clearance to get into
- watched the redskins lose but didnt really care…. cause i had a cold beer and good friends sooo…whatevs
- went to a “basement bhangra” party – with dj rekha – accidentally… and was reallly glad i did…. it was awesome
almost ran overflirted with a group of about 6 FFX cops..in TC’s hood… while they stood in the middle of the street…hhhhmm.. i thought only dc cops did that shit…..- mistook a tween Hannah Montana fan for a cancer victim…(evidently they wear wigs too…who knew??)
- exchanged broken porn player to
Best Buy…third circle of hell…. i swear to god… i wanted to fire bomb those sons of bitches… (im on the third one now for anyone keeping score) - had a migrane headache for the better part of two days
- discovered the best won-ton soup ive ever had ….. here
- lost and then found (thank the sweet baby jeebus) the front tag on “sex on wheels“…im such a lucky bitch …well that…..and the guys in my parking garage looove me…
- rode around for two days with the top down ….its january people…. so i decided to just sell the hard top for my car… im just waaay to optimistic to really ever put the HARD TOP on… you just never know…
- sent a fist full of thank you notes out…
THINGS I NEED TO DO
- shop for bat mitzvah gifts (suggestions from the chosen among you welcome) before sat
- hair color appt… (it aint easy being this blond) tomorrow 1130 am
- eat some vegetables… ive only eaten crap for two months now
- laser hair removal appt for my legs..im soo done with shaving them EVERY morning …friday 9am
- cancel two of my three gym memberships…i can get by on a single gym in 2008…
- write a real post for this freaking blog…. about allll the stuff you babies have been patiently waiting for… the good stuff….. the bad stuff and esp…… the boy stuff…..
xoxo
sugarbabies…
soaking a heart in two bottles of prime argentinian red wine… doesnt make breaking it… any easier…
when he told me he had lied to me..
i just laughed..
“whatever…… you’re not the first guy to lie to me… as a matter of fact, i dont even think this would be the first time YOU have lied to me…. so just spit it out…”
Then i noticed he was really serious and i thought…oh shit… here we go…
“remember when i told you i really cared about you”…. he started …..
now i see where this is going..and its gonna be a train wreck.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it…. why the hell didnt ANYBODY ask me to do ANYTHING….on monday night so i wouldnt have gotten myself into this shit…..
damn.. damn..damn..
Im looking around…
jean claude had told him not to order a second bottle of a wine that good…..and i realize… too late… how right that had been.
jeeeezuz… now im desperately giving jean claude the “i need coffee and a cab signal”…
but he’s not gonna let me get away that easy…..and he keeps talking…..even though ive pretty much made it clear…. that…
i dont want to hear what he wants to say…
“look sugar pie… you’ve had too much of that stuff (nodding at the wine bottle) for me to take anything you say seriously”…
he keeps going ..insisting that the wine is just what he needed.. and that he had planned to play the evening all cool and aloof…but he’s leaving town in the morning and doesnt want to go without having this conversation…..
because… depending on how it goes..
he may not come back to DC…until he absolutely has to…
jeeezuz…
menboys can be dramatic…
i try to change the subject and tell him i know of an emerging artist that would looove the opportunity to paint a mural on the side of one of his buildings…
he waves his hand… he can paint them all…(just clear it with the city..so they dont paint over it …and then send me a bill….) ok …so something good might come of the night…
jean claude brings the coffee…espresso…. a double shot…but i dont need it…..im perfectly sober now…
i push it across the table… if he is drinking he cant talk…right??
not so.. he downs it like a shot…
great.. two bottles of liquid courage followed by a double shot of i can do this allll night…. im an idiot…
The black caucus is in town… a young lobbyist works up his nerve and makes his way over from the bar…..relief sweeps in.. but.. ummm…nope…..
he sends the kid back to the bar… saying….we are in the middle of something serious…
damn… damn… damn…..
i give the youngster the “f-ing help me out here!!” face…
but typical dc douchy lobbyist….hes not gonna step in on a power player…..just to help a girl…
the kid disappeared…
now hes looking all serious again…… he says he only comes to dc these days to see me…
…. this is kinda shocking because… the fucker fella hasnt even called me in months… i just got an afternoon text message that said…
can you meet me at Ruths Chris 7pm??
it keeps going …and well..
they spill out.. he says he didnt want to do it like this ..but he is gonna anyway…
and out they come… those scary three words …. the ones that i cant say for sure which is scarier
saying them….
or hearing them???
allll i know is…..
i cant even type them…
and tuff as i am…
i dont want to watch anyone cough up the bloody mess commonly referred to as a heart…
and then have to choke it down again…
….they just dont make enough argentinian red to make that palatable….
its even harder if it someone you like..
someone you wish the best for..
someone you know you are NOT the right person for….
someone who wants you to spend the winter with him on his fancy yacht….anchored off a sunny beach….
but….truthfully….i was only there because the guy i had wanted to have dinner with….hadnt called…. isnt it always like that???
i did the only thing i could…
i kissed him on the cheek….
and walked away….
i probably would have run..but..umm….these shoes realllly are five freaking inches tall
maybe…..
if he had better taste in music…. he might have listened to some Tom Waits….
and might have known that girls like me…
really any girl in these shoes…
is just an open invitation …
to the blues…
xoxo
or… how to score a free tank of gas…
sooo yesterday…im out in the burbs.. and rocking my new MARNI platform, peep-toe, pumps ( i love alliterations)….the black and brown ones.. the ones with a five inch heel on a two inch platform.. the ones that can only really be called expensive Hooker Heels… but damn i like it up here..so i doubt im coming down anytime soon..
as worn here..by kimberly stewart… she is not a hooker either..she just dresses like one too…
anyway…. i pull into a reston exxon station…..and well….. leering fellas start coming out of the woodwork…
i was in a hurry…..but..like my mama taught me…. smiled politely, batted my eyelashes (i cant help it im a shameless flirt) and answered their questions…
some about the vanity tag, some about “sex on wheels”, some about me….
i finished pumping (gas.. you assholes) and went inside to pay…. the paunchy middle aged men boys followed me in… more questions..more polite smiles and
- “yes..she is very fast”….
- “yes…she keeps me in trouble” ….
- “yes..she has a manual transmission”
- “yes she is a lot of car for a little girl like me”…
- “yes thats why i need these platform shoes..so i can reach the pedals”..
the whole time i knew what they really wanted to ask was… “how much?” … and i dont mean for the car..
when they had finally paid for their sodas and honeybuns…and couldnt think of any more small talk….they wandered back to their respective cars..
i shook my head at Joon… the cashier/manager… he was smiling…
“ah..suicide_blond…. you soo good for business…. you no pay today…. it is my treat…”
i looked confused..and thought maybe one of the boys had “picked up my tab”... but no…
joon continued..evidently..he was SURE ..that after i had flirted shamelessly talked to them so politely… they would alll be back for weeks hoping to run into the blond in the euoropean sports car and the f-me pumps!!! boys…whatever…
lol…i had just scored him four new regulars…
and me…a free tank of supreme…
with gas prices what they are..i think Gloria Steinem would understand.
xoxo
Take A Shot