mOBSCENE …the invitation…

….suagarbabies….

what is it that they say??…

for every action…there is an equal (or possibly greater) Re Action…

well  the Re Action…makes for a good story… or bad…depending on how strongly rooted you are in traditional judeo christian mores….but dont get me distracted…

…The invitation…

arrived by courier…

not dhl/or falcon…umm no…. a young kid in a dark navy suit and bangs that hung across one eye….(not as cool as an eye patch…but cool enough)

AND instead of signing for it… he requested that i kiss an ivory card … as he handed me a new tube of Chanel~ No. 95 Red Dream… he blushed while he asked…i just laughed…licked my lips, applied the lipstick…and left a red gash on the paper for him… then i flipped the lipstick upside down like a pen to put my “trademark” xoxo underneath…

the invitation itself…was antique letterpress… on paper that was thicker than the walls in most DC apartments… ivory with a slight metallic sheen to it…

baroque scrolls &  black scriptina letters announcing the date and time that a car would pick me up…

—- truthfully it wasnt my style— i like a little hipster twist with my old school traditional invites…im more helvetica than scriptina… but… i was still amused enough by the couriers deep blush not to care…

the invitation …. was unsigned… anonymous…hmmmmm ok …slightly creepy but ok….maybe …intriguing is a more positive way to see it…

and when i tossed the envelope on the coffee table…i noticed something still hiding inside…

i picked it up and out slid a  gift card… Neimans… more than twice my mortgage payment…dont get too excited i bought BEFORE the bubble.

hmmmm… well that does narrow the field a bit…

a party…how fun…

not really…. truth be told… i havent liked parties since my fourth grade BFF caught her dress on fire at her Bday…AND…ever since its been its pretty hard to get me to agree to attend one… in fact its hard to get me to commit to just about ANYTHING…of course… i almost always have fun once i get there…but i tend to dread it right up until i walk in….

i poured myself a vodka tonic…and sat down to study the invite…

it was expensive… it was custom… and it required an rsvp….

the courier would be back in three days…(same bat place/same bat time) for my

repondez s’il vous plait….

then …. i turned the large-ish card over in my hand…and…

a sly…possibly wicked… grin spread across my face…. i couldnt help it…

there in the bottom corner…. was the symbol….a subtle little icon….i turned it back over in my hand held it up to the light…yep…there it was…the watermark was the same symbol…. i sighed with relief…and maybe a little bit of disbelief … it wasnt  a stuffy affair after all…and it definitely had not come from the person who initially came to mind….nope…

all of the sudden…this had….whats the word???…. possibilities…

real possibilities….

i had heard of this party…and i knew the invites were pretty exclusive…

and i was fleetingly glad to have had the food poisoning diet thing last week…

it was gonna be….

ummm…how to put this???

provocative…

awesome.…dont worry sugarbabies… the irony of a bad porn plot for a life..is not lost on me…

i practically danced over to my new giuseppe zanottis….and… kissed them….

ive been toooo good of late…..(Action meet ReAction)

and an engraved invitation to be bad… had just arrived…via courier no less… how fucking timely…and FUN… wow ….

and just like that..i realized how bored (and boring??) ive been the last few months…

xoxo

“you came to see the MobScene… i know it isnt your Scene… its better than a Sex Scene…and its so fucking ObScene…ObScene…yeah”….  MM

….to be continued….

essential sex kitten…2.0

sugarbabies…

if..

• you decide to head across the street to the store for “sexy time supplies”  because maybe…
• you got a teeensy bit too much sun while sunbathing naked on a yacht off the coast of florida last weekend…and…
• you decide youre in tooo big of a hurry to put on a shirt…
• cause a fella who may or may not have agreed to rub lotion on the bits you cant reach is on his way over…
• sooo…you grab the fur coat that is thrown over the Barcelona Chair ..and your umbrella …

and here is the lesson kids….

grab a fur coat …with a button… cause…holding your coat closed …with one hand and your umbrella with the other….leaves no hands available for grabbing sexy supplies at the store…. To anyone who saw my naughty girl bits in the Triple B the other night…(and most of you appeared to be visiting europeans soo i didnt get the impression you were especially scandalized) …. but to the others… ummm….oops… my bad.. but srsly?? this is DC sugarbabies… just cause its the baby oil aisle doesnt mean its safe for families…

xoxo

yes..im a bitch..whats your point??

sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…

Now where to begin??????

maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:

“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and  quietly judging me”

or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…

“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”

seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money???  have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….

he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)

so theres that…

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…

(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)

i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….

i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….

i am verrrrry smoooooth….

xoxo

shipping to a sex kitten…

sugarbabies…

there are a LOT of reasons to buy original artwork…. one of my faves is …cause they ship it wrapped in enough bubble wrap to cover the ENTIRE bed….

xoxo

she wants to play hearts…(with house money)

sugarbabies..

take notes :

dont let any of the following facts stop the party:

• its a weekday…and the sun is coming up….
• that you both have to be at work in a few hours….(but babies…that poor thing he didnt quite make it into the office….bless his heart)
• that you have a plane to catch (another one leaves every two hours)
• that you have made out soo hard..that you have rubbed your nose raw….on his scruffy bits...(mmmmeoooowrrr…dont you just love boys sometimes…)
• that you need to leave a note for the housekeeper that says “boom chika wah wah” which loosely translates to “please wash the sheets”
  

and oh yeah…having one boy bring you coffee at 6 am so that you can be awake enough to have another boy bring you coffee at 7am….is wrong on sooo many levels…but …its what happened this morning…

and silly me…i thought mondays were good…

xoxo

If the Rev. asks you to get Naked…

ya gotta …or youll surely go to hell…right??? or is it heaven??? who can tell these days..sugarbabies…

i wrote this back during the summer…but never posted it…cause….i was feeling…uum… discreet….but aww fuck it y’all can have it…enjoy the long weekend…

the town is filling up with funny lil wannabe rockstars and their entourages hangers on groupies ..its been fun to watch sleepy lil austin start to wake up with the influx of all things music festival… technically it starts next week..but the ramping up has begun…austin is whitewashing her fences and…ok ok…..im getting away from the point here…

the reverend…hes hot or maybe a better word is kinda sexy…in that alt country older dude indie music way…. and well…we are allll sinners..right?? so i guess if you sin WITH the reverend or his deacons you can be forgiven pretty easily…and penance is surely not sooo bad… a few hail marys and sore knees ..(oops…. those may be from the sinning)

The catholic in me… (not like that.. assholes) …is always looking for a way out of the sin..ok ok..not true ..more like a work around for forgivness…that way i can go ahead with the sinning whatever the hell i want to do…

knowing that i can rationalize it to st peter..if he gives me any grief at the pearly gates…

personally im not too worried..i never met a door policy i couldnt manage….

(except maybe an older black lady guarding the bar of a “private event” at the kennedy center….and she wasn’t falling for any eye batting or slutty shoes)

so when the reverend horton heat and his deacons said ….

“hey cutie whats shaking back at your place the san jose ???

i was ready for him..

xoxo

The Blond Ultimatum…

hi sugarbabies…..

i had a post allll about my weekend and putting up the vintage aluminum christmas tree… and how i got some cowboys to help me…and the speeding ticket …. that would have been “reckless” ’cause well you know…..evidently i changed lanes something like 7 times in three miles…and at speeds over 75mph…. i didnt tell him i would have been doing about 95 BUT i was texting someone….

ok yeah..well nevermind about alll that…. cause….*sigh* last night…i found the PuuuuRFECT trench coat… you know ….tan …shoulder epaulets … a perfectly proportioned collar…belted… just the right length (neverrr happens)… the poor thing is just beggging….as in on its knees …. for some dark glasses ….. and naughty underthings…..

a christmas freaking miracle…..

ahh…. im sooo in love……

xoxo

I’m Not Living Like I Should…

hi sugarbabies….i just kicked back into a vodka tonic… like it was an easy chair... damn.. i love a good vodka tonic…

i wrote several posts last week..i just didnt POST any of them… when i re-read them they were…well… whiney…. who wants to hear a sex kitten whine???… *achem*… its just not sexy…. sooooo…

i deleted em all…. and poured a vodka tonic….

decided… that…in the words of one of my fave songwriters…

slaid cleaves…

I’m not living like i should….

and if i had to sum up the last few weeks…..without whining….it would shake out kinda like this:

• i went to a lesbian party….just to feel xtra pretty….is that sooo wrong??

id believe in something if i could … but im not living like i should

• a hookah bar (yeah yeah..whatever…. it was a new neighborhood and i was happy to be anonymous for a bit)

i know that there will come a day… a heavy price i’ll have to pay

• waved at the crowds from a float in a christmas parade… ok ok..i wasnt a beauty queen…but i WAS …the cute-est “cindy lou who” there…. ok ok…i was the cute-est cindy lou who ..that was old enuff to have a vodka tonic on the float with her….

i keep pretending to be good…but im not living like i should

• worked…. more than usual….but yeah who cares im freaking glad to have job in this economy -decided not having an assistant is way better than not having a job..and its not THAT hard…if i have a few vodka tonics @ lunch

i let the mystery slip away… chasing foolish things all day

• met a cute boy in an unlikely place….. maybe more to follow… maybe not…

i say a prayer i knock on wood…. but im not living like i should

• defended the rights of go-go bars in dc with Freckles….jeez…i wish some folks would get a life…

i just wanted to be good… but im not living like i should

• crashed a party in my building… and “SCORED” 3 bottles of top shelf vodka from the bar… snuck onto the roof, committed a few misdemeanors (how naked can ya get before it is illeagal in dc??) and generally acted like teenagers…(some folks in my building are BAD influences..reallllly bad)

spin the bottle cap… throw a shot back…

• bought a fancy new dress that is cut sooooo…um…inappropriately…
  but for whatever reason...people indulge slutty clothes if the cost is proportionally inappropriate….so ill be considered “well dressed” when in fact..ill just be “expensively dressed” – like a hooker- …note to self: stop fucking with people …just because you can…

a guilty woman where a child once stood….. im not living like i should

but….never fear sugarbabies…

i have it on good authority that santa baby.…kinda thinks it IS nice when im naughty…

xoxo

ps..the bold italic is not me…that is Slaid..i wish i was as clever as Slaid but…im not…thats why the good lord saw fit to give me great tits… “we alllll have our talents… and he expects us to use ‘em…” …. well… at least THATS what my aunt doris says..