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sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…
Now where to begin??????
maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:
“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and quietly judging me”
or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…
“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”
seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money??? have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….
he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)
so theres that…
you say bitch...like its a bad thing...
or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…
(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)
i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….
i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….
i am verrrrry smoooooth….
xoxo
oh sugarbabies…weekends are for warriors…not sex kittens…….
Wed (hump day): invited to join fun friends for drinks…at 7…soooo i came home put on a pretty frock, powdered my nose, pulled the tangles out of my hair….. and fell fast asleep…. didnt wake up til 930 the next morning..on top of the covers still in my frock and false eyelashes…thats f-r-O-c-k..you kids have such dirty minds
damn…
Thurs (lil Firday): worked a wee bit… went in late…cause i slept til 930..but i didnt count it as sleep because i wasnt under the covers…it isnt restful..if you arent snuggled in…so i didnt actually get out of bed…til 1030… then spent the best part of the day at a power lunch drinking martinis…went home early… big lunches make me sleepy
…yawn….
Fri: standing on a street corner when a cute boy spotted me… he circled back .. and i convinced him to take me to the grocery store!…score! sooo with a weekends worth of cheddar cheese and Life cereal… the pressure was off to find any dates to feed me…so… i had drinks only… and was tucked into bed early…under the covers this time..not that passed out sprawled out on top… as is prone to happen on friday nights
Sat: early morning text message from boy: “lets drop the top and get fucked up” how could i say no to such a romantic offer…alas… the agent for the loveshack (emphasis on shack!)called ….what do you think..should i buy a teeny lil love shack on the river that needs “some tlc” about 15k in work???? i dont know either sooo i got up wery wery early… drove west for 45 min… and dipped my toes in the shallow part of the shenandoah …and then came back… grabbed the boy… and proceeded to order mimosas…only of course we asked the ‘tress to serve ‘em in big ole pint glasses….so she wouldnt have to keeeep refilling us every two min..then.. . finished up with a girlfriend at my fave watering hole …. and i was again… tucked in before the “douching hour”…ed note…”douching hour” starts around 10 am in my neighborhood during hockey playoff season….
Sun: i was in bed (under the covers) when i get a text from a friend…he is back in town… just getting into a cab @ airport… i texted back in my sleepy text voice… i havent had coffee yet…he showed up on my doorstep..made me breakfast…. kissed my cheek and left to go check into his hotel…seriously… ive got that one trained just about perfectly!! i didnt leave the house all day…kittens dont like rain…soo…i watched lifetime movie network while surfing the net… and discovered:
1) the pope wears prada: hes totally jacking my style with red leather prada shoes…but whateves..if a creepy ole german guy is gonna have a fetish..i suppose an italian shoe one is about as vanilla as they come…its also rumored he sports some serengeti and gucci shades… is benny a label whore?? speaking of whores…and when i say whores i mean hot chicks…
2) guess who is STARRING in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS??…. YEP..our girl jenna jameson…. the campy horror film stars our fave lil pornstar …or whats left of her…. personally….i think it looks fun… and the cute Roxy Saint should be worth it alone…as the goth stripper who WANTS to be a zombie..cause it will make her uber-gothy.. i think it has opened in limited release…so you folks in NYC check it out for me and give me reviews…it isnt here yet….and from the looks of it may not get wide theater release…
i know….kinda dull..but sugar please….. even sex kittens get sleepy…
xoxo
ahhh sugarbabies….
its been ages since a porn post….. i suppose i just like to make y’all beg for em… so….well… by now…. youre all pretty familiar with my porn player troubles….if not… click here and then here ….sooooo
i convinced a boy… to attempt to return the porn player that “swallows” … to the 8th circle of hell….i mean..umm….. Best Buy…
once we get there…..he takes the porn player over to the geek squad desk… right at the front of the store…while i go to look for a replacement…
of course… he tells the geek squad a movie is stuck in the built in dvd player…
the geeks push some buttons..scratch their heads and push some more buttons….. right about the time i get to the tubo tax display… almost to the desk… one gifted geek pushes the right sequence of buttons…
and WHAM….
the “movie” starts playing….
of course when i say movie i mean hardcore fetish porn…this is not cheerleader porn….umm….no….its good old fashioned latex… whips and chains hardcore fetish stuff…* sigh* fun i know… i know!!!….
and it is playing…. at the front desk of the Geek Squad Station @ Best Buy…. yeah…
- the geek who pushed the button…. his jaw kinda hit the counter
- the “manager” of the counter ..well…. i thought she had a cardiac incident might easily have require full blown (he he he) medical attention
- the gay dude in line..winked at me…while waving his hand over his heart…
- the dude… i had convinced to return the tv with me……turned on his heels….. locked eyes with me and shouted……loudly…. …“suicide_blond…. you bitch … you’re the one who stole my dvd!!! “
you know what can be more fun than watching freak porn????
watching white nerdy folks freak the fuck out….when porn starts playing in thier Best Buy lobby…..
OMG…. you just can not pay for entertainment like that….
xoxo
sugarbabies..
its all about size..right??? sooo over the weekend…..i convinced bribed a boy…with promises of porn filled evenings… if he would go with me to buy a reallllly big television porn player… (“sex on wheels” can only handle about 18″ …. which …is not that big in the world of porn)…. sooo we climbed into his truck and headed to Virginia….where tvs are bigger and taxes are lower….
but alas….it seems jesse janes dvd
is sooo hot it freaked out the built in dvd player in the new porn player(pp).
worst part…. the machine wouldnt give back the disc it had swallowed… a primo piece of andrew blake…art porn…
so what did we do??? naturally … we stuck ANOTHER movie in the slot… (insert your own “slot” joke here)
you can guess what a good plan that turned out to be…
now the fucker had TWO good dvds…and…
refused to barf em back out…great….
sooo..we decided the new pp was prob. cursed… morman… or at the very least anal retentive…im pretty sure thats what freud say bout it swallowing my porn…and not “returning” it…right???
we boxed that whack job back up….and hauled the monstrosity back to the store…
porn and all..
the GEEK SQUAD was called in to try to retrieve the dvds from the locked jaws of the new porn player…but….
they were not successful…
bad strategy on my part..i told em what was in there…..like they were gonna try very hard after they heard that…i bet soon as i left..they ripped that bastard apart…
soooo
a new porn player (pp) was purchased…
and socks…
ahhhh…life is good…
when your feet are warm and your pp is working…
xoxo
sugar babies…
have you ever had one of those days…
the kind where you are getting ready to go out.. AND watching I LOVE NEW YORK… and sooo you decide..yeah..i should totallly wear some bad a$$ shoes and false eyelashes tonight…yeah… that is sooo what jenna jameson would do…
and then you get the glue in your eye… and while technically this shouldnt blind you… you begin to wonder if that is actually the case….so you sit down on the bed..waiting for your eye to stop tearing…
and then you start talking on the phone…
and then you realize you are running late…so you grab some lip gloss and head out the door…
and then you think..wow…i must look smoking hot in these fake eyelashes cause everyone is sooo checking me out….
and then you find your girlfriend at the bar….
and then she starts digging around in her bag and comes up with a mirror….
and then she wordlessly hands it to you…
and THEN you realize… you forgot to put on the other eyelash…
and THEN…you think…ummm… maybe just maybe….youre the ONLY person this shit happens to
xoxo
real estate is another story…. and it is kinda in the tank… i can tell because half the folks in my office building got laid off today…they work in real estate… the market is dead stopped….
my assistant came to me and said something along the lines of ..
“Whew..im so glad i dont work for *insert real estate / mortgage firm here*”
i didnt have the heart to tell her that….. shit rolls down hill…. if things dont pick up ….i’ll prob let her go in about two weeks…..
when folks stop buying houses….
stop refinancing houses ….
stop feeling drunk on equity…. ummm
they stop buying other stuff too…
they tighten their belts…
and umm… that means me too….
on the bright side..
jenna jameson was on LA Ink last night… her new tattoo turned out cool…. it says…I am not afraid.. I was born to do this.…. scrolling across her shoulders…it is..according to jenna… a quote from joan of arc… i think it is cool jenna knows who joan of arc is…
BUT….
the best part of all…. she seemed …normal-ish…..ok ok…she stilll has way tooo much collagen in her mouth… and a teeny bit goofy…. but generally ..she didnt seem coked out…or crazy ana thin…im relieved…ive been kinda worried bout the girl…
ill have to look up WHEN they filmed it…
The weird part was…how the whole show….they completely skirted the issue of her being a pornstar….the word “adult” or porn never even came up…. they portrayed her as a “business woman”/producer… which is alll true….and im not trying to take away from what she has accomplished..because she has truly revolutionized the porn industry…but lets face it… she aint selling mary kay…
ok ok..i havent checked recently…she might have a girl named mary kay….
xoxo
thinner isnt always better…
oh sugarbabies…in the past i have always subscribed to the “never too rich or too thin” school of thought.. but this thin thing.. i have re-thought… i work with a girl who is too thin…we alll cringe when she wears a skirt and her leeeetle toothpicks are on display….the poor little thing..i NEVER thought i would EVER say anybody was tooo thin..but there she is… and now…
it has happened ….to …*sigh*… one of our favorite pornstars… poor little jenna jameson …is too thin..and recently looks too strung out to be considered sexy or even pretty at the moment… poor little thing…
i hope she gets help soon… she got a great new haircut..but she followed it up with crazy collagen lip job ewww… her facelift “eye-lift”looks just gross too… and she has crossed into ana territorty…
sooooo…. at least till she gets some help…sorry love …(and she cant be tooo disapointed since technically she IS retired)… you are not my favorite pornstar anymore…. you couldnt hold the spot forever…
we both knew that….
and you had a good run..
really you did…..
but
the crown is getting passed to ……*drumroll please*……
jesse jane… (yeah, yeah, yeah…. big surprise….. i know…)
there was some of her stuff waiting for me when i got home from Texas… (screw netflix…subscribe to a “movie by mail service” with some balls people)
i think the lesson here…is not about getting old… but about being comfortable with yourself…. and for whatever reason… jenna jameson clearly isnt comfortable with herself right now…..hell..i dont think anybody is comfortable with her right now.. that just isnt sexy people… not even a teeny little bit…
xoxo
oh sugar babies..im in texas…. Austin..Texas…mostly it is great… and dont get me wrong…its one of my verry fave places in the world…
the beer is cold, the food is hot, the music is live…
but you better get here fast……the face of austin is changing…and i cant imagine that it will be for the better…. it reminds me of poor jenna jamesons new face lift.. its trying too hard…pulled too tight…. the collagen doesnt help either..not that shes ugly..shes just not the same…shes over done…
the cranes over downtown Austin are slapping up luxury loft style conds everywhere…and the bungalows we’ve always adored here… are being torn down…granted they are putting in cool mod homes….and y’all know i have weakness for all things moderne…but… that only makes me more conflicted…
Austin has always been cool… BUT not necessarily hip.. cool doesnt go out of style… but things that are hip today..are by definition NOT hip tomorrow…. and the hip factor here is pretty high right now… and well…hip is heavy……. and austin might just find she is falling in on herself tomorrow…
in the meantime… im enjoying it while i can…. and having wayyyyy more fun than i deserve… and you should hurry up and get here while
- you can still find yourself in an old dance hall …with no AC…. drinking a beer..at 1pm….yeah!
- cowboys still wear starched shirts and ask you to dance
- football fans here are still fanatics.. hook em horns!
- you can still have a cigar with kinky…. i love kinky
- you can still hear steve earle & reckless kelly on the radio…
- you can still buy a nice little house for about 150k
- you can still get a migas plate at magnolias 24/8..sorry we’re open
- you can still get a Fat Bob..(a burger with a fried egg on it…no shit & its good as hell) at the hills cafe
- you can still get ANY food ..fried… including avacado and cheesecake…yummers…
i dont know what will happen in Austin.. but i sure do hope…she stays independent, spirited, and weird…
xoxo
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