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sugarbabies…

the light turned red and i sidled my lil european sport scar up next to a brand new green Baby Bentley with florida tags:

HIM: good morning

ME:  indeed…is that GATOR green?

HIM:* laughing* no.. its MONEY green…

ME: ahhh thats a shame

HIM: why’s that?

ME: lots of folks round here have money… but gator fighters …well they’re hard to come by in these parts

Him: can i buy you coffee?

ME ::winking::  sugar you cant afford to be ‘running round with me… it’d  cost ya  waaay more than money

….light change….

#ilovethistown

xoxo

sugarbabies..

i wrote you kids a really great post(trust me it was a good one) today

about what big ole pick up trucks do to me..

and how i prob woulda married a couple of guys if they coulda made me feel … the way i feel when i pull up next to a monster truck on constitution avenue… *swooon*

and how something about the promise of a high lonesome /down -n- dirty combo along with a hemi…is pretty much irresistible

and how its the ying to my yang….

how coaxing a throaty growl out of sex on wheels when we are at a light, with the top down… and a soon to be patented “sideways- chin on shoulder- glance over the ray bans”… next to a big fella pretty much guarantees a tire squeal for attention or plea for coffee on craigslists missed connections…

about how ….i have fantasies of driving up behind one of these guys…they drop the tailgate…and it turns into a ramp….and i roll up into the bed… all at like 75 mph. like a total smokey and the bandit move….

and

how opposites must really attract … cause i dont really like guys in sports cars… seriously? the italian ones are tooooo high maintenance and seem like they are trying tooo hard…kinda euro douchy…

the american ones seem kinda silly except maybe a few vettes…

the germans do a good job…but something about dudes in sports cars just smacks of midlife crisis or insecurities…and dont even make me have the  gay or european conversation…

no…

i like men who drive sturdy dependable all wheel drives….and if they can handle a dually in the city…*sigh*…what cant they handle???…surely a headstong lil girl like me would be no trouble at all……

but then wordpress crashed and i lost the whole damn thing… and umm yeah im waaay tooo lazy to do the whole thing again… sorry sugarbabies…. but the jist of it is… im waiting…waiting for a man that makes me feel the way i feel when a dually pulls away from me and parallel parks on 14th st….THATS all i want…is that so much?

xoxoxo

sugarbabies…

sooo…on a recent beautiful fall day…i  decide i should totallly drop the top…

sitting at the light at constitution and 6th i press the button… german machinery initiates a sequence of events that puts the top neatly away in a rear boot … i shake my hair out into the crisp air…reach for my skim soy iced latte and make the turn….a cyclist slides too close into my lane…i hit the brakes harder than i like to..pirelli tread is sooo expensive… my coffee dribbles… great… i reach over to the center console…which because of my size is actually kinda behind me…. without taking my eyes from the road  …i start hand hunting for leftover fast food napkins… i can feel them…but the wind picks up and they are blowing out the top…Alice leaves her comfy shotgun post to kinda jump about in pursuit of said napkins… christ… im gonna get a littering ticket i think as an MPD Cruiser pulls in behind me and flashes the lights… i push my raybans up onto my head and turn to secure alice…. thats when i realize….

the “napkins” that were flying out the top of my car as i drove along constitution ave… were the andrew jackson variety…it was a veritable sex kittens  stimulus package… lucky for me… its NOT actually illegal to have money flying out of your car …just… you know… ridiculous…

xoxo

sugarbabies!!!

we have some catching up to do! so we better get started…

let me see… after what will be from hear on out known as the chipmunk assault of 09… during which Sex on Wheels was parked quietly minding her own business while i was traipsing about <read-taking the metro> (thats right bitchez!! in 2009 im alll about riding the PT Cruiser {Pub Trans} ) a family of those lil fuckers got busy and chewed all her hoses/wires/belts… now… i dont know if you have replaced hoses wires and belts on a sexy european sports car before (i have a feeling a few of you have) … but …it rang in at almost 6k..

holy rascally rodents  batman!

damn.. there goes  any sort of vacay this year right?? but NO …..thank you baby jesus… karma… fate ….or insurance adjuster who has a thing for blondes… but yeah …the insurance company covers it…. whod have guessd??!

whew…

sooooo…. while sex on wheels was suffering certain indiginties associated with rodents and a lube job…. i made my way… in my loaner car (a chevy equinox that had best not be the hope of the american car industry) to  a dealer across town…just to …you know…

see what was sexy on his lot…

i ran my fingers over a red ferrari in the show room…and told him the make and model i was looking for… and…ummm… sir… she HAS to be convertable….

ah i have JUST the car for you! his eyes lit up….

after looking her over i pointed to another convertable across the lot…

Oh he said kind of hanging his head you prob dont want that one…its a manual transmission

silly boy… if there is one thing i know how to handle … its a stick…

i left…

more soon sugarbabies…

xoxo

dear pimply faced driver of the plymouth breeze….

sugar…there are a lot of reasons i wouldnt race you this morning on the toll road…if i started a list it would go a bit like this:

  1. youre a pimply faced kid
  2. its plymouth breeze
  3. youre a pimply faced kid
  4. its a plymouth breeze
  5. youre a pimply faced kid
  6. its a plymouth breeze…
  7. and oh yeah…because when we crested that hill and you were checking me out..I was looking ahead and saw the cruiser in his usual spot…

soooo …. when you floored it and raced past me…it wasnt you i was waving at… love…it was him… and he nodded… cause…and i hate to add insult to injury here…but baby boy youre not the first pimply faced boy i have offered to those boys in sacrifice… not even close…

so i hope you learned a little lesson this morning……

sugarbaby…you should never underestimate the instinct for self preservation….in a sex kitten…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

even blonds have bad days… like this morning the time i was driving down constitution ave… and when i pushed the clutch with my left foot….it went to the floor with nary annnnny resistance at all….

fade to blonde...

ahhhh shit….damn it sex on wheels…. dont die…. dont leave me… i need you… i cant get out of this town without you…im NOT leaving you behind…im NOT leaving you HERE… you hear me?? youre too important to me… you were voted best engineered car by a fancy magazine…. what would i do without you????? we are a team…a tiny little topless hard driving sexy six gears double clutching catching boys off guard team…..and….well…. i know you’ve never heard me say it but…. i love you… there…i said it and i dont care who hears me…i LOVE YOU…. please please…. thats good….thats right…. you can do it… if we can just get over the bridge….i think we can make it…

to be continued…..

xoxo

sugarbabies..

changing your pants while driving down the toll road in a spring rain -that also includes sleet- with a 5 speed manual transmission… AND 5 inch stilettos… takes a certain je ne sais quoi …. that this sex kitten has been practicing…..but…. the whole thing left me remembering THIS…and i definately give extra credit because …well… because the diagrams are kick ass… i think that the same general principles apply to sex on wheels…keeping in mind…there is more head room but less privacy..if the top is down…

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…

its not easy keeping sex on wheels sexy…or on wheels for that matter…. seems she likes her tires like i like my shoes…expensive and italian…and also like me… she wears em out quick…as in …i just put tires on her in November…yes sugarbabies… thats right…its not complicated “delegate math”….barely five months… cause evidently expensive high performance tires….like expensive high platform stilettos… are NOT in any sense of the word…practical…

and i wouldnt have it any other way….

dirty sexy beast...

sooo….. i dropped sex on wheels off at the auto repair shop dayspa….and handed the keys over to a the professional auto fixer dude anxious pimply faced boy…as he took the keys i apologized for how dirty she was…i know i know like me…. you kids are awful…he smiled and said he had seen dirtier…which kinda cracked me up ..cause i can assure you…. im prob the dirtiest thing that that poor kid will EVER SEE….. but whats a girl to do..i smiled coyly…batted my eyelashes and left them alone…a few hours later… i picked her up…

  • new tires
  • oil changed (im leaving the lube job joke to uncle keith…hes better at them than me…but i do want to remind him that her engine IS in the REAR)
  • and freshly washed and waxed…. (inset your own joke here…some of them are just too easy….i cant do ALLLL the work for y’all)

and i swear… after an afternoon with sex on wheels… when i pulled out ( its like christmas here for uncle keith today) of there….it seemed to me… that the kid… had weee bit of swagger…i whispered to sex on wheels….

SUGAR…our job here is done….

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

its probably the vodka talking…but whatevs … you deserve it…. youve been xxxtra patient with me…

you deserve a post….

soooo ive been sick…i know youre allll tired of hearing it…. not as tired as i am of battling the flu ebloa virus …but…. tired… sooo ….. a few times i managed to drag myself out of bed and stir up trouble… a couple of times…i thought i was better for a day or two… then BAM…back to bed with boxes of PuffsUltra… its the little in between bits that im gonna try to put down in words here… maybe a list would work?? ill try…in no particular order…..

  • went to brunch at 12:30 at a tex mex place….and it ended at 1:30 am crashing a corner vip booth and getting felt up by lesbians in a club….with quick side trips to a swanky furniture store and a crowded irish pub…..some days…. the party starts early….
  • spent valentines day with this fella…. whatever…. he was persistent….and sweet…
  • accidentally called a clients laptop…his porn player… in a big ole business meeting…. as in… “here *dude* (not his real name) pass me your porn player….i know how to make it work for you “…..when the room went dead silent…. i then added…ever so professionally… “umm…. i guess…..thats what she said?”…. in spite of… or because of?? not sure which… i still got the job…
  • pretty sure i gave myself heavy metal poisoning … trying to eat cracker barrel cheese and instead eating a bunch of the wrapper…. yeah i know…must be a blond thing….
  • kissed a boy from NYC…prob gave him the Ebola virus…oops sorry dude…
  • found myself driving skidding across the TR Bridge during a random winter storm that pretty much reduced “sex on wheels” to a very expensive sled… if not for the weird as hell hours that i keep… im sure i woulda totally crashed….DO NOT WANT!!!
  • encountered the following clusterfuck minor setbacks trying to make Lemmonex’s champagne pear cupcakes
    • no mixer in my kitchen
    • no grater in my kitchen
    • no cupcake tin in my kitchen
    • no measuring cups
    • no measuring spoons
    • no knife (ok ok … there are a few butter knives and two steak knives that i stole from the austin grill…fucking classy eh??)…i know the recipe doesnt call for knives..but at this point….i wanted to stab something
    • no mixing bowls (only chinese rice bowls… go figure)
    • couldnt open the champagne bottle ……isnt THAT what boys are for?????
    • dont have foggiest idea how to “sift” things together….is that somehow different from stirring???
    • cant exactly turn on the oven portion of my stove…. its gas… im afraid im gonna kill myself…sticking my head in the oven to peek in and see if i can see that wee bit of blue flame under the pan thingy…and trying turn the knob and adjust the gas flow at the same time….
  • and…last but not least…i was wearing these panties…..

essential sex kitten 2.0.....
i know, i know…. who still wears panties????

but …i do …cause they are cute….

and i was wearing these…

cause they were new…but they were scrunching up under my jeans… sooo….

i decided kamakazi was a better idea…

sooo….. i go to the ladies room…. pull off my jeans… and was taking my panties off…when they got tangled in my 5 inch tall “free gas” stilettos… this sends me careening and i certainly would have fallen completely over…but the stall was small…. so i kinda caught myself with my elbow but not before i slam my hip into the toilet paper holder and in the process… manage to knock my jeans over and into the toilet….. yep…sugarbabies….. being a sex kitten…. is NOT all bonbons and bacon ice cream…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

y’all generally give me a week to organize my thoughts … but…umm…lately… a few of y’all are stomping your feet rather impatiently… soo… rather than ignore you… (which ive been known to do … and will prob do again)

you get a “sloppy quickie” which in my world translates into …. a tidy lil list…. until i feel like sitting down and …banging out… you know… one that leaves you breathless…

… sooooo lets see now….

THINGS I DID

  • stayed out til 4 am dancing and laughing with an old friend…. note: that is actually how long it took for my feet to start hurting in those wicked 5 inch heels..but i think by the end of that night i could have been in puma’s and my feet woulda hurt
  • watched the sun come up from the roof of a building that you need at least a “top secret” clearance to get into
  • watched the redskins lose but didnt really care…. cause i had a cold beer and good friends sooo…whatevs
  • went to a “basement bhangra” party – with dj rekha – accidentally… and was reallly glad i did…. it was awesome
  • almost ran over flirted with a group of about 6 FFX cops..in TC’s hood… while they stood in the middle of the street…hhhhmm.. i thought only dc cops did that shit…..
  • mistook a tween Hannah Montana fan for a cancer victim…(evidently they wear wigs too…who knew??)
  • exchanged broken porn player to Best Buy…third circle of hell…. i swear to god… i wanted to fire bomb those sons of bitches… (im on the third one now for anyone keeping score)
  • had a migrane headache for the better part of two days
  • discovered the best won-ton soup ive ever had ….. here
  • lost and then found (thank the sweet baby jeebus) the front tag on “sex on wheels“…im such a lucky bitch …well that…..and the guys in my parking garage looove me…

a quickie can be a good thing...

  • rode around for two days with the top down ….its january people…. so i decided to just sell the hard top for my car… im just waaay to optimistic to really ever put the HARD TOP on… you just never know…
  • sent a fist full of thank you notes out…

THINGS I NEED TO DO

  • shop for bat mitzvah gifts (suggestions from the chosen among you welcome) before sat
  • hair color appt… (it aint easy being this blond) tomorrow 1130 am
  • eat some vegetables… ive only eaten crap for two months now
  • laser hair removal appt for my legs..im soo done with shaving them EVERY morning …friday 9am
  • cancel two of my three gym memberships…i can get by on a single gym in 2008…
  • write a real post for this freaking blog…. about allll the stuff you babies have been patiently waiting for… the good stuff….. the bad stuff and esp…… the boy stuff…..

xoxo

sugarbabies…

traffic ..is just a fact of life around here… soo… best plan … make the most of it… have some fun…like me..this morning… when im bored.. and traffic is moving slow…

i like to play a little game i call……. Catch a Cowboy..

where i give myself six red lights to get a victim boy to ask for my number……

so this morning it went down like this….

930 am morning traffic…on constitution ave…at 6th street

dwight yokum in the cd player… yodeling away…

sex on wheels and i roll up to the light….next to …

a REALLLY big monster of a midnight blue… turbo diesel… extended cab…long bed…F-350 ..

with a cute little boy at the wheel… whose panties could stay dry next that???

sooo… i had locked onto a target…..

7th street …light…a little eyelash batting…some hair tossing… and i had his full attention…

9th street … light…hes trying to get my attention…

so…. i smile…. and shift gears…make a pouty face…as the light changes…

i buzz through a few greens…and worry for a moment that he might take out a pedestrian trying to stay with me…. sex on wheels is a little easier to maneuver in the city than his monster truck… but…he manages to bully his way through… and sidles up next to us…grinning… at the

14th street…. light…so … i smile and nod … put down my lip gloss

typical…now that he has my attention..he doesnt know what to do with me….hahaha… and he gets bashful…i know ive only got a few more lights to go… sooo….i take charge and ask him…

SB: “are you a cowboy??

now hes completely flustered…. and its cute… and im having too much fun to stop …so … i push it into gear… knowing its sexy when i push in the clutch and nudge sex on wheels into first…and she growls a little…

he finallly comes back with… “do you want me to be a cowboy??” not THE best answer but it keeps him in the game…

soo… the light changes and sex on wheels and i give him a break…and let him ride along next to us to the next one..

In front of the Wash Monument…light…. i glance over at him all girlie and coy….

and replied…

SB: “well…you know…… there IS a test to see if youre a cowboy….do you wanna take it????

he has no idea what to do with me… and he looks a little scared now…

this is fun…

he nods as the light changes…

he falls behind as traffic crowds him to get onto Virginia Ave… but he manages to catch back up by the time i roll to a stop at the 19th street light

SB: “first question… do you have any…rope???

he blushes… really… he turned fevered red…and im willing to bet…he started sweating… it was a short light.. and it changed…..

now…ive got one light to convince him that he has what it takes…to ask for my number… and no guarantee that the quick succession of lights before i get to 66 will be red… so …im debating my strategy…. when he whips the big truck in front of me and sex on wheels... and angles it slightly…blocking the road…and jumps out!!!….

DAMN….the cowboy is blocking CONSTITUTION AVE at Rush hour!!!

damn..i never had this happen before…maybe hes not as afraid as i thought he was…

all i can think is….way to cowboy up… cutiepie…

he reaches out to shake my hand and says …

Cowboy: “hi maam…im cowboy ____ and id really like to buy you coffee….

i counted that as a win…

soo hes going on about how hes never done this before… how hes not a serial killer… and hes pushing his business card into my hand…

so… i smile… and nod…. and bat my eyelashes….

and handed him one of my cards… it just says…

smile if you wanna get me in bed

xoxo


oh sugarbabies, “sex on wheels” …is a precision piece…. of german engineering… and sometimes i think..maybe someone should take the keys away from me… ALLL of the below happened within the last 30 days…

  • a chick… rear ended her on 66… and i didnt get her ins info or anything cause from the way she was hysterically crying i figured she didnt have any.. AND… i wanted to hurry home cause there was porn i wanted to watch….(i wish this wasnt true..but it is)
  • i noticed that i had driven close to 50,000 miles without an oil change…so …i freaked . the fuck . out…i called the service manager at the dealer..and told him…hey Mike..you might need to come tow sex on wheels in…. i havent changed her oil in 50k miles… (for the record..she only needs an oil change every 15k) … He asked if she had been driving ok..and i said yes…so he said to drive her on over …if you dont make it …we’ll come get ya… so i did… when i got there…he took the keys …and was gone for five min…on his way back in he playfully smacked the back of my head… “you were looking at the Trip odometer… which has 5 thousand miles on it… you dont need an oil change for another 10 thousand miles….blondie”……
  • i made an appt to get her winter tires put on… after driving around with the new tires for a day..i called Mike again… umm..Mike…there is a weird clunk when i take corners fast…did y’all notice any problems with the suspension when she was up on the racks??? …um no ..better bring her back…we will check it out… so…. back i go… they found the problem pretty quick… a water bottle rolling around under my seat….

sooo..im gonna go out on a limb here…and say..

ive pretty much lost ALLLLL credability with Mike…

and the entire crew over at the service dept… and im pretty sure i wont live any of it down anytime soon….

this may require me moving to another area…

xoxo

Cache

Twitter…try to keep up…ok??

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