sugarbabies….

charity is more than a pornstar from the 80’s…on a recent sat. morning im working my way through my first quarter tax stuff….and i find a fairly large-ish amount allocated to Charitable Donations….while i do make chartiable donations….i generally remember them..and this one just wasnt ringing any bells with me… soo.. i pace… i scratch my head..and finally knowing its gonna bother me until i figure it out…and fearing another brush with id theft…i get in the car and head to the office… to look up the donation…

after a wee bit of investigating… i realized that my tax fella ….(who is older and obviously not that hip to the fashion scene) had assumed that all of my spending at TRUE RELIGION was charitable….

i giggled to myself…then said out loud…suck it uncle sam!!…

i mean seriously bitchez…the way these jeans make my ass look is totalllly charitable….

xoxo

suck it uncle sam...and not in the pervy way..in the sucky way

sugarbabies…

im a simple slut girl… and just to prove it.. AGAIN…cause for whatever reason nobody everrr believes me…

10 things that made me whimper with happiness over the last few days…

1. top down ..third gear… on the TR bridge alllll alone…when a Natational airport bound plane crosses right overhead… ahhhhh..the shadow was huge!
2. getting an email from a friend that she missed me and wanted to get a fancy dinner sometime soon…even though ive been a shitty friend of late…
3. anticipating an email from a boy…it was delicious… the wait…AND the email
4. catching a double feature at the DRIVE IN….(you read that right bitchez!)
5. slice of cheese pizza from marios over in the ARL
6. having the UPS man give me a big hug when he saw me this morning….hi honey..im home!!
7. dance halls in Texas with no air conditioning… and NO tolerance for whiners…shut up and dance..
8. making my fave pasta salad and having a rest. manager ask me for the recipe…(no shit…i have a secret ingredient!!!)…in all honesty …he may have just wanted an excuse to chat…but whatever..ill take “cooking” kudos wherever i can get them…
9. witness for the prosecution on TCM
10. crawling into my very own bed…ahhh….

xoxo

sugarbabies…the call went like this:

hello???

…oh hey…yeah im sorry for not calling you back the last few days…

ok ok…yeah its been a few weeks..

me? ..oh im doing ok …well…not really….

let me just put it to you this way…

im at the office and im wearing sneakers…

umm..no not the cute Chanel golf shoes…the ones i wear for taking out the trash..

yeah no shit…

rock fucking bottom…

yeah..that would be bottom bitch to you lovah….

yeah right…a few gay men here nearly collapsed

something about hell freezing over and a tear in the space time continuum ….

the straight guy noticed that i’m short…and asked if somebody crossed the streams…

ha fucking ha…

oh it gets better…

yeah waaaay better….

how long have we known each other??

that long…sooo…

you know how i take out any stress on my….wait for it…. sugarbabies…wait for it….

HAIR.

soooo…yeah… if you ever grab a six dollar bottle of hair dye from the Triple B and think…umm whats the worst thing that could happen??? my hair will be a different shade of blond…

yeah… welll…. thats not exactly true…

umm..yeah it could turn several other shades of blond..including orangey red and ummm some grayish purpley shades in some splotches…

i know…i know…. but it costs 4 bennies every freaking time…

right..umm …good point..now it will be $406.00

i know i know….but…INSTANT gratification……they were closed …right??? hair salons should fucking be like waffle houses… yeah 24 fuck!ng 7 …. otherwise $hit like this happens…. of course i called him!……uhhh yeah….i have his cell….

fuck that…hes not a boy…hes a HairDresser…

hes my therapist for christ sake…

HELLO!!…. do you know how often i color my hair???? i see him more often than the dry cleaner….

yeah hes gonna meet me at my place…. but he lives all the way in mclean….and he is booked all day..so it will take a while

yeah…its that bad

housecall bad…

its like ive falllen into the abysss….

right??

sneakers…bad hair day… Sex on Wheels is in the shop….

oh but…let me tell you something…….

the good part about driving the loaner..

if somebody is checking you out at a light or something…..its SUCH an ego boost….

yeah …

no its totalllly different….

if youre in SOW you never KNOW if they checking out you….or the car…..

yeah and if the top is not down ..you know..folks have to REALLLY be interested to notice that my hair color is whacked off the chain..

i know, i know…im gonna start cruising in ghetto sleds…just for my ego….

i dunno whats your weekend look like??

im supposed to go to a party up in adams morgan…but… i dunno… ill prob duck out early…

yeah i know….NO…cause i think it sounds kinda nasty…like a stripper move…

….hitting bottom…

sounds like EVERY weekend

oh wait… that is slapping a$$ …whatever…yeah…im feeling a lot better…

yeah ..im gonna go put on some real shoes…

yeah there is a pair of pointy ass michael kors stilettos in the supply closet….the black ones with two ankle straps….they look like a dominatrix would wear em…

i know…i LOVE that in a shoe…

yeah..but im gonna look sooopa slutty cause….

i’m in khaki shorts and my johnny cash t-shirt.

i know..if i didnt know you better …id think this was one of those

“heavy breathing..what are you wearing phone calls”…

is it narcissistic of me to think everyone is looking at my hair??

i mean….youd be pressed to find a bigger attention whore than me…but still.

yeah your right…ok well … maybe no one will notice…

umm….i take that back…a guy in the office across the hall just drew a life size picture of me with sharpies..with purple and orange hair…and printed TRAGIC in this realllly expensive font i just bought across the top… and..umm..i gotta go..he is heading down the hall..to post it in the break room….yeah.

thanks

ok ..

talk to you later……

bye…

xoxo

suagarbabies…

“you have to wait here…YOU are NOT family”…. thats what the tiny hood rat at the front desk said to me…smacking her gum..her hip thrown out to one side her hand thrown up in a “talk to it” gesture…..

i shit you not…thats what she said….

as they wheeled my best friend of all time away from me… fast…they were throwing tubing and bags and grabbing rolling equipment..and i watched til they turned the corner…

for a little while i felt like i was wasnt completely helpless as i gave the intake nurse his insurance info and medical history…..guess they dont care WHO gives them the billing info…

then i paced… malcolm in the middle was on the overhead tv… and the only magazine was a dog eared year old copy of AARP …..but i couldnt focus enough to see the print anyway…

then after about 45 min… i was mad..

real mad …. i seethed when lunch was delivered from a local chinese place and they waved the delivery guy back to the nurses station….. they munched on egg rolls…while i wondered if my best friend was alive? cold? scared? dead?…. ok..i understand they dont want me in the dr’s way….hell i dont WANT To be in the dr’s way if they are doing something …but… umm…NOBODY can tell me whats going on???

they gossiped…they commented on his tattoos…. whispered that they recognized him…took a few calls on their cell phones from their boyfriends…i mean technically they werent allowed to have their cell phones…so a work around had been devised… when the ringers went off in their “storage area” they would go get them and then walk to the edge of the carpet to talk about …whatever…

i kept playing it over in my head….you are not family…you are not family….

what the hell do these people know about family???? they dont know him they dont know me..they certainly dont know about our “family”….they dont know:

that his parents are assholes and kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay

that i moved in with him for several months a few years ago when he first got cancer…to take him back and forth to chemo and to care for him after the treatments left him a mess…

that he gets realllly scared at hospitals… i mean you really only have to go through cancer treatments once for hospitals to leave a bad taste in your mouth…three times… and well…. you’ll pretty much freak out when they try to put an iv in your arm too…

that when i needed it..he offered to let me live with him…rent free… for as long as i needed (seriously… isnt THAT family)

that we both leave our estates to each other in our wills…

that we have known each other since back when you could see a show at the bayou..the 9:30 club was downtown… the black cat was “that new place”…posuers was THE place to be…coke was cool… reallly…that long…

that if anything ever happened to me… thats who id want next to me at the hospital…waaaay before id want any of my “family”….

that we are “porn buddies“…

that we wear wedding bands on chains around our necks as symbols of our friendship and because if you are not married in this society ….everyone assumes you are missing something…we know better than that

i stood in the doorway to the nurses station….staring at them… clutching his shirt and wallet… i waited… and waited… i fought tears…

i twittered…

and then.. i did what i do best…

i got my way… the way i do best…

i spied a dr looking dude… and made eye contact… i gave him a half smile frowny face…

and yeah….he came over…

when he asked if i needed help…

i nodded and let a few of the tears roll down my cheeks… he put his arm around me …all i said was..

you have my best friend back there…and i just want to know if he is ok…..

he went and got me new tissues…. he checked on my friend… he escorted me past the hood rat… past the nurses station… past the trash can full of chinese take out boxes…

when i got to his room..we both broke down and cried…

the dr came to talk to me….explained that it was a good thing we got to the hospital soooo fast…(my friend chuckled from his bed about sex on wheels…MAYBE being worth alll the trouble she puts me through!) the dr. said that he could maybe go home tomorrow night…i told the dr i wasnt leaving…and she smiled.. and had the orderly move a more comfortable chair into the room….

sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…

but i swear … the whole thing…. made me agonizingly aware of the magnitude of not allowing gay partners to marry…i know that gay couples go through this kind of thing often… and … its awful… i cant really imagine it…two hours and i was near crazy…

step back folks…it isnt about having two dudes or two chicks on the top of a cake…. it isnt just about having a “wedding” …..it isnt about what “your god” preaches…..its about being legally defined as family….. not having to explain to a 17 year old receptionist who cant even tie her shoes..(she was born in the age of velcro) … what FAMILY is… cause reallly… its none of her business…

xoxo

ps.. these folks have taken up the fight…. i support them ..i hope you will too…

hi suagarbabies…

call me crazy…but… i like the heat…it feels hard and honest… yesterday…i dropped the top…and let the sun do its worst…i mean really…its not THAT hot if youre doing 85-ish and heading west…to the mountians… to the horse track… to play the ponies… to push your luck….HARD….

about 30 min out of the city….i stopped for a bevvie.. a quickie…iced coffe from starbucks… the hot felt good….(i know im crazy) so i sat down at one of the tables outside of starbucks to chillllax for a few min. and make a few phone calls…(its hard to talk on the phone when youre doing 85-ish with the top down and the music up) ….. soon a crowd of youngsters …they looked like high schoolers but turned out to be college kids….they were gathering around an older dude…that i recognized…but ignored… their tshirts, buttons, and fliers gave them away as politico wannabes and the old dude was reveling in their unabashed adoration… eventually the “campaign manager” turned up…to “organize the interns” ….. thats when he turned his attention to me…. i had known it was coming…so i was ready …i sat languidly sipping my coffee and crossed my legs… swinging a my six inch louboutins into the walkway…. and casually ran my fingers though my hair… tangles… an unavoidable top down consequence.... pushed my chanel sunglasses up off my eyes onto my head and smiled - as he presumptively sat down in other chair at “my” table….

sooo whats a pretty lil thing like you doing out in this heat?…. he asked

i smiled slightly and told him… im not the kind of girl that wilts….

he grinned, pulled his chair closer and…PATTED MY THIGH and said he like people who could “take the heat”….

im not joking…what style of OG old school game is that?????????

then he asked if i was …”into politics”

–seriously…. the dude was working sooo hard to try to get my vote impress me with his political office—–that i almost felt sorry for him….ummmm honey im not one of those doe eyed sorority girls that wants to please you….. nope… i know more than your name…i know your record..

i responded…. “well lover… a more accurate statement would be that …. politicians are into me”

he sat back… i think the word LOVER…scared him…he looked down at the table… and fingered the key to SOW…

him: i saw you drive up….

me: i know…

him: i guess im just gonna ask…will you meet me for dinner later tonight

me: im heading pretty far west tonight love…. maybe next time

him: can i call you

me: only if you talk dirty

him: laughing

me: trust me sugar…im more trouble than you want…

him: you might be right

me: im rarely wrong

him: did’nt i meet you at a party for <insert politician here> last year

me: well i do like to think that if we had met….you’d remember

him: i remember… you had glasses and really high heeled shoes… he nodded toward my louboutins…

me: like i said sugar….you are already in waaay over your head…but ill let you tell yourself your sweating cause of the heat…

him: id really like to take you out sometime…

me: i know…

him: will you call me?

me: probably not…i dont call boys …ever…. but one of my assistants might… you know.. if i had a parking ticket or something…

him: are you even gonna vote for me?

me: is that what the kids call it these days???

him: laughing…im not giving up on this

me: i know

then i picked up my key…and let him watch me walk to SOW…i might have turned up the jiggle a little more than normal… but whateves…im sweet slutty that way….

I pushed 90-ish getting to the racetrack…

thought my luck had run out…

til the 7th…

i walked outside into the heat..down past the track…round to the stables…down close… patted a few sweaty ponies… watched the grooms and jockeys pull saddles down and push bales of hay around… talked to an old friend … and there in the heat with the ponies and the smell of sweat and leather and sweet hay and steamy wet piles of peat….picking my way around the dirty dusty path… with the sun beating down …i cried…hot tears on hot sunburned cheeks …i guess i just didnt want to carry it anymore…and right there…

i put down some of the emotional baggage id been carrying round for the last few weeks…

and i picked the trifecta…

it had a 2 thousand dollar payoff…not bad for a two dollar bet…

im not sure…but…

i think i feel my mojo coming back…..

xoxo

Ridin’ the range once more
Totin’ my old .44
Where you sleep out every night
And the only law is right
Back in the saddle again

-gene autry

i missed you sugarbabies!!!!!

no reallly when im away too long..i miss you dirty minded little bastards! ..hugs all around…ok ok.. its waay to much to go into here…. but i need a good body man….for real…..dont we all??? soooo since i havent had time to give you kids a proper post….let me introduce you to HERMES…God of boundaries and souls who cross them… and great place to buy kittens lil tokens of your love…. ok ok…Hermes…and i agreed to a deal…. a game of sorts…. we have never met in real life… never.. .. dont freak….we know a few folks in common n real life..so … it isnt tooo creepy …that … we agreed that he would spend one hour in my lil “pied a terre” and then write a story based on his discoveries… what does YOUR place say about YOU? …fun game right!!!??? ok ok…here you go……enjoy……..

and truly..i miss y’all… back asap…

The Blonde <–(i think he means me!! hahaha..ok that is alllllll the editorializing im gonna do!!) steps through the door. It’s the beginning of the evening, so the Lounge is nearly empty still. She heads straight for the bar and taps on the shoulder of the man sitting off at the end. Tapping his shoulder and pulling on his sleeve and pushing in between him and the next seat.

“Hey sugar, you’re about the last person I’d expect to find here.”
Well, I try to go where I’m needed. What brings you here?
“A girl’s got to eat sometime, and when that ‘fridge’s never got anything good to eat in it…”
Never? Really never?
“Well, absent some kind of divine intervention. SO, since I live just around the corner, this has to be the eaaasiet way to find a li’l somethin’ yummy when kitten’s hungry.”
And today, you also find me. Now that I think about it, I can imagine you living near here. Nice place?
“Oh, yesss. The best.”
Only the best will do, eh? I’d bet. Say, you only came over here hungry? or did you bring a thirst too? Quit that grinnin’. What I mean to say is: Hey darlin’, come here often? what’s your sign? could I buy you a drink?
“Ohhhh, you’re SOooo smooth, and, lucky me, the next seat here’s open.”
Hey now, if you’re just gonna tease me,… no, never mind, I don’t care. So how about that drink?
“Yes, yes please, but you should know,… I don’t drink cheap drinks.”
Even if you did, you won’t tonight.
“And this is a classssy joint, by which I mean everything costs twice as much as it should.”
Seems like there should be some trade-off for that, like maybe the decor, or the music. Maybe it’s the people you run into. So, is this much like what your place is like.
“Oh no sugar, you order the drinks, and I’ll tell you more about my place.”
No, wait, I’ll tell you about it. Give me a second to consider and to finish this one for courage’s sake. Go ahead and order us two of whatever you’d like this evening, I’ll cover it.
“You ready, sugar? Here’s to your courage.” Rims of glasses approach one another, and knuckles graze each other in the toast.
Yeah, sure, ‘fools rush in’ and all. But now that I’ve had some time to think, it’s maybe possible. As I remember, the first riddle was: What is it that is born each night and dies each dawn?
“Easy, Hope. So, tell me what you think you know.”
First of all, it’s deliberate, nothing in your place ‘just happens’ to be where it is. You’ve put a lot of thought into what’s in there and where it goes. You’re always on the watch over the design field, finding what you want and deciding how to incorporate it. You’ve made a study of yourself, you know what you want and what there is to offer, and you’ve made your home reflect that.
“That’s tooo easy, everybody’s like that.
No, not like this, not with this intensity. Not with this independence — I’ll bet there’s a reminder of the independence before you even get to the door. There’s an individuality about it, specifically your individuality — you and your home match so well that you can still feel the Kitten-ness even when you’re out. If we went there now…
“Are we?”
Excuse me?
“Going there now?”
You tired of this game already?
“I’m torn sweetums, I can be complicated like that.”
Let me pique your interest then. We’ll make it a dare. I’ll tell you what I think, and where there’s any controversy we’ll let the place itself be the judge. Since I set the rules, I’ll let you set the stakes.
“IN-teresting,… okay, cap !”
Pardon? Répète, s’il vous plaît.
“You heard me — don’t get tooo cocky; you’re not the only one who knows secrets…”
Ahhh, yes, um, well, as I was saying, if we went there now, you’d be more comfortable, more complete than anywhere. When you walk out the door, the place still reverberates that, still communicates you.

“Okay sugar, you got the easy one, the most general — now let’s get to specifics.”
Well, let me start with the easiest specific one then. The books. There are no bookshelves as such. You’re more streamlined than that. The words you need most often are all digital, paperless, and you carry them around with you.
“The words I need most?”
No, no, sorry I mumbled a bit, just the ones you share the most. The books brought you the ones you need the most. They all offer some retelling of the observable world, some glimpse at a world inside the world that you see. These are a dozen, maybe twenty or so touchstone works, that you go back into time and again to see how their meanings have changed for you today. Many of them are gifts, some of them to yourself. There’s a poetry in them, by which I mean they retell the truth in a way that makes it more expansive; where each metaphor inspires you to challenge your thinking, and each level of analysis turns up different relationships and depths of meaning. Some of the titles are familiar to everyone as such works, others are there because you happened on them at just the right time, in just the right frame of mind, where they were waiting for you. Like,…, like,…
“Like running into the right person at the right time, sugar?”
Hmm,… yeah, exactly like that… that was a good one; tripped me up a bit.
“Welll, you should stumble a bit, a girl likes to think she’s got some mystery.”
If it’s important to you, I’ll make sure to get some things wrong on purpose.

Now let me go big picture again.
“Not doubting yourself about the specifics are you?”
No, (Well, maybe a little. “You keep going, it’s working.”) this’ll still be specific, but I’m trying for depth, not just brushing on the surface. The plan of the place is open, wide open, spare. You don’t like to be dictated to by your possessions. You like to determine and create who you’ll be and what you’ll do without being constrained or influenced by the things around you. There’s room for play, what happens in the space depends on you instead of what you do being dictated by the setting. It’s like a stage, an open floor on which you can exert your will according to your whim — express whatever aspect of your self feels right. Yeah, that’s it isn’t it, a stage: bare hardwood floors, eleborate lighting system, slight or transparent furniture so as not to block the sight lines, the curtain goes up,… are there even footlights (I mean, with shoes like that…)? No, that’s gone too far, I got carried away.
“You got carried away? That reminds me of,… of something,… but you were right, in a way, about the footlights (”and definitely about the shoes, did you see these?” I can’t help sneaking looks at ‘em. Let me take one long look… [her fingers snap, snap , snap] “Quit daydreamin’ and back to the job at hand.” Oh, right…).”
On that stage, the most important thing is always the actors, and in the bare space, imagination is free to create and play. The relationships are what fills the room.
“Jeebus, I didn’t know other people thought about that.”
Then you, sweetheart, underestimate your effect on people.
The Blonde drifts for a second, then flashes open her half-lidded eyes. “There will be nooo extra points given for flattery.”
No? I don’t need to score any points to enjoy doing it. But, I’ll stop then, and see if that spot on your neck just below your ear stops blushing. Reminds me of the second riddle: What flickers warm and red like flame, but is not fire?
“Blood. But enough stalling about me, sneaky, let’s get back to my place.”
Gladly, ordinarily, but you caught me, I was just fishing for some insight before my next guess. Trying for some little extra cue before I try further.
“A little extra cue can be good…”
And another drink, I think I need another drink to keep this rollin’.
“I’ll get the drink, you keep talking.”

Alright, color. See, I think you’d be tempted to have dramatic paint colors on the walls — deep but bright tones — not wanting to settle for the average cream/antique white scheme. But, that would take away from the free space aspect of the room. So, I’m going to say you went with a compromise of plain walls with bold contrasting colors from the built-ins, and the accent items, and the wall decorations. The moulding is oversized and accentuated. If there are any plants, they’re exotic, or exotically arranged (and probably tolerant of or used to neglect. “You be nicer than that.” Sorry, that kinda slipped out. “Don’t let it happen again.”).

In keeping with the simplicity is a cleanness. A place for everything and everything in it’s place — which is definitely out of view. Of course there are no surprise items sitting out drawing attention to themselves. (”Never?” Well, maybe on occasion, but you need a constant background if the ’surprise’ part of it is going to work good. “I think I’m much more accustomed to the bad variety.” I think that’s a shame, you should get your people to work on that, make some calls.) There’s a critical analysis demonstrated, where the only things kept are the necessary things, and a regular culling of what’s not needed.
“Does that make you anxious?”
Maybe, some, why?
“You’ve slowed down: pausing more, struggling to be as particular with your words as I am about what I keep.”
Yes, well, this whole game has a stickyness to it, an aspect of rorschach-y snare, where I risk projecting too much into it — seeing what I want to see in you.
“Look again. Look closerrr.”
He stands, putting his hand next to hers on the bar. As he does, she fights the urge to over-interpret it. She’s about to lose that fight when he pulls his stool a little closer and sits back down. Trying to decide whether she’s relieved, she puts her foot on the footrest of his stool and flexes her calf. He continues then, more quietly now that the distance is reduced. The things you do keep, you keep carefully, because they carry meaning for you far beyond what the casual observer would intuit. These objects, talismans, and mementos are charged and powerful. They each recall a moment and the you that was there when that something occured to you, when you felt like something was happening. Providential experiences that tore little holes in the stability and structure of the day to day and revealed the wisdom of the chaotic concealed portion of yourself. You collect these as proof of your transcendent self, of that fuller you that takes the opportunity to blossom and have its aroma appreciated each time it finds a way through the crack in the sidewalk.
“How long have you been here drinking?”
Either too long, or not long enough. I can never tell until it’s too late. I know that was inelegant and heavy-handed, but admit it: you do keep those items from those special moments, and what made them special was the promise they held of something new, where you didn’t have to leave part of yourself behind.
“Now I’m not sure if I’ve had enough to drink. I’m going to go to the little girls’ room…”
He scoots back to let her up, and after watching her walk away finds himself in the mirror over the bar. The image there lifts an eyebrow, shakes it’s head and asks with a look: would you ever shut up? And then he finishes his drink, with a self-depricating smile.

The blonde gets back, she’s decided something, and this time it’s her turn to scoot her stool closer.
Good time to take a break.
“Yeah, got anything less,… um, lessss,… that is,…”
Yeah, right, less. Let’s see. The light is important. You’ve got a lot of natural light in the morning and late afternoon. That’s the last bit, all I got left. I kinda told myself I’d give it a rest, let you off the hook. You like another drink before you go?
“I’ve got a fully stocked bar at home.”
Oh sure, I didn’t mention that. Thought it was too obvious. Videos too, right?
“What I was saying is: Why don’t I offer you a drink and we can talk about how well you did?”
Gonna be hard to judge that last one in the dark. Won’t know until the morning.
“Yes, well, we’re a couple of problem solvers now ain’t we sugah?”
I probably shouldn’t drive. Let me settle up the tab… Is it far from here?
“Maybe far enough for a short story.”
You mean to tell one, or to be one.
“That’s a dangerous little grin you got there yourself.”
Just considering the third riddle, is all.

sugarbabies…

i spent most of the day yesterday …with one of those guys that makes women drool… he was attentive sweet and most importantly…gentle …but in that Im in control here kind of way… that makes you trust him… that and knew exactly what i needed….

i kind of wish we had met under different circumstances…cause it’s a bit embarrassing to be shaking and crying…when you meet your new crush…

later after i had a bit of a buzz…and had prob been talking too much ….. he told me i had “good roots”…

i explained that i was southern…and we agreed that both were good things….

when it was finallllly time for me to go…

he gave me a special number to reach him this weekend… in case i wanted to score drugs…

ahh..

i heart my dentist…

xoxo

sugar babies…

around one thirty in the morning…the atmosphere at the bar had gone from mellow to….well …you could feel… the soft touch of desperation rolling slowly in…kinda smoke like..gathering in corners and spreading out…. under the swanky lounge chairs and … curling up … toward the bar…

……no wait…that is REAL smoke…oh yeah….im in virginia they still smoke out here….how did i get out here??? jeeezuz…. somebody shoot me… oh yeah…he offered to drive…

girls were forcing laughs…their faces shiny… their lipstick had turned garish… when they leaned back against the divans…they closed their eyes… and you could tell that for them… the room was spinning… more from the cocktails than the dj

the boys were feeling the pressure to make a move soon…or be resigned to going home solo… so they were kicking up their game… and being more touchy feely than they had been earlier in the evening… with one eye checking for other options that were still attainable given the time restraints… it wasnt helping them that mother nature was cock blocking with cold and monsoon rains coming down in sheets …combined with the general apathy that has permeated DC during the last few weeks of an extended primary season… well …poor babies…. it was gonna be an uphill battle…i leaned in and wished one boy luck with a girl who was probably cute when she hadnt been rained on…..he passed his hookah….

oh yeah…fucking hell..im in a eurotrash hookah bar in virginia….somebody pleazzze shoot me

the waitress…was bringing drinks a little slower… trying to get a head start on getting out of there… she was rounding up credit cards…. smiling a little harder…. last call isnt too far off.. she reminds me of someone….i cant think who…maybe kardashians crazy loud sister?? maybe….

but i have to admit…im glad i decided to come out….. i dont do much of ANYTHING that i dont want to…but…i let him talk me into it…. i didnt want to go out..and i certainly didnt want to go out to virginia….(best Tshirt spotted at the black cat last week ..Virginia is for Losers) i DEF… wouldnt have agreed to a hookah bar….

but…. i suck at saying no….

and he offered to drive….

and with sex on wheels..STILLLLLLL in intensive care….out at the dealer….damn… youd think german car parts wouldnt be THAT hard to come by…

so i let him take the lead …..and we headed to an anonymous arlington bar…. it was nice to be in a new neighborhood where nobody knows you… you dont nod slightly to anyone as they acknowledge that you are with a new boy from across the room…with a knowing …if only slight lift of their glass…nobodys eyebrows raise when you walk by with that…”hes cute ..call me later” look

questions piss me off these days… i dont know why…im just not in the mood for them…..and he didnt ask many…sooo that was good… we shared some apple tobacco…he knew the waitress….so the ice never rattled in my glass… and the dj worked a mellow groove between LA cool and NY hot…. the people watching was kind of bland… so when he leaned in and kissed me …it was a welcome diversion…but frankly… i was in a melancholy mood and it was gonna take more than a few vodka tonics and some PDA… to pull me out of it…

and then it comes back to me…ummm yeah…im in hookah bar… one fortyfive ish… a.m… im hungry… i had wiggled out of an earlier dinner date….. (i told you i hadnt wanted to go out) so i hadnt eaten… and the vodka tonics were gonna start to catch up to me…

like i said he didnt want to talk…and that was fine with me…i preferred it…

maybe having sex on wheels in the shop has me soo melancholy…maybe the rain…maybe the cold…. maybe i should go to LA… just for a few days… maybe im over thinking it…maybe im over thinking everything these days…i was getting grouchy…i was ready to switch to ginger ale….i just wanted to get back to my place…crawl into a warm dry bed…. snuggle down… but….here i was in VA at two in the morning…

thank god….he made the right offer…

and well….

bob and ediths is too hard to pass up…

fried eggs and grits…

then he put his ride into gear (sometimes i forget how much i like to watch boys drive) and we headed back across the river…

home…

the lesbians were wrapping up their party next door…. and one of them was sitting in a wheeled office chair while her friends pushed her down the sidewalk …spinning…in the rain…

two kids “security personnel” brought me an end of the night “goodie bag” from the club owner… and ….well….its nice to be back in my neighborhood…

and

then….in the morning… i wake up to a text from the rockstar…

hes in town…

want to get breakfast???

there can be a beautiful symmetry to starting a morning …

the same way you finished the evening…

with a boy who doesnt ask too many questions…and a bowl of grits….

maybe in another life… it would be the SAME boy… morning And night

but frankly…i think i like it my way bettter… at least for now

xoxo

sugarbabies…

even blonds have bad days… like this morning the time i was driving down constitution ave… and when i pushed the clutch with my left foot….it went to the floor with nary annnnny resistance at all….

ahhhh shit….damn it sex on wheels…. dont die…. dont leave me… i need you… i cant get out of this town without you…im NOT leaving you behind…im NOT leaving you HERE… you hear me?? youre too important to me… you were voted best engineered car by a fancy magazine…. what would i do without you????? we are a team…a tiny little topless hard driving sexy six gears double clutching catching boys off guard team…..and….well…. i know you’ve never heard me say it but…. i love you… there…i said it and i dont care who hears me…i LOVE YOU…. please please…. thats good….thats right…. you can do it… if we can just get over the bridge….i think we can make it…

to be continued…..

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

i have a confession to make… im not proud of it.. but… i’m behind on my meme’s… i suck…i know…

so i am probably cheating but im gonna do TWO memes in ONE Post… the first is the Excellent blog Award.. a few weeks ago a super fun blogger The Redneck Romance Writer … said i was…get this…an EXCELLENT BLOG… the rule was i was supposed to nominate 10 blogs i love…. sooooo here goes…10 blogs that i love..and that keep me from getting ANY work done…

Arjewtino.. i know ..EVERYBODY loves this guy..but i cant help it…. he is the three c’s cute committed and candid…. all of which i love in a blogger….plus he answers any jewish questions my shiska booty can come up with.. ..ed note..i mean committed to his blog…he happens to be committed to his fab girlfriend too…but you know….im not as thrilled about that! lol

Bridal Bird… formerly brunch bird … i dont even like wedding related stuff… but this chick…is alll perspective…xoxo

Culinary Couture….she even convinced ME to try to cook a few times!

DCBlogs .. ok..well this one is what i call…. a community maker… by keeping a running live (real time) list of local blogs they have (possibly inadvertently) …fostered a crazy (sometimes in the bad way …sometimes in the best way) community of bloggers that is like no other that i have come across… and well…they are responsible for me blogging at all…. so props to them!

Dealing in Subterfuges….jeebus… i wish i was as clever as this bacon lover.

Decidedly Uncomplicated…. if i ever need “professional help”…this is where ill go first…shes a pro…not the kind of “pro” im always blogging about.. a professional party planner…..we have a reallly similar aesthetic… and her ideas (which she is nice enough to share on her blog) allllllways make perfect simple sense to me

NicolaSix an expat washingtonian… now in jersey…. but still funny, clever, and on my short list

Project Beltway… i dont ALWAYS agree …but i ALWAYS check her out…

Throwing Hammers… ok ..we both grew up in the south and spent some time in baptist schools..which means we prob have a lot of the same hang-ups.. and well…hes just a reallly good writer.. that helps too…but mostly cause he is freaking hysterical…

Violet Blue …sex positive, educated, no-nonsense, eloquent women writers are few and far between….. it makes Violet one of my very faves

FORWARD CHARGE….more meme’s

ok ok… yesterday foodrockz wanted to know some dirty random stuff about me…ok ok…..specifically 7 random things you prob dont know about me….

true confessions of a sex kitten:

1) my grandma was one of the first women nascar drivers…. which SORT OF explains why she drove the getaway car in a bank robbery…. no shit… i couldnt make this shit up… at family reunions..the old people always shake thier heads and say im just like her! lol…in an Ironic twist that only happens in REAL life…my grandfather on the other side … is a famous North Carolina banker…

2) Im really good with numbers..and im reallllly good with money…no kidding.. its true..

3) Its realllly hard to make me mad…… about the only thing that I reallllly cant stand….is when people are rude… not the kind of rude where folks dont know which fork to use…. the kind of rude that puts 4 forks on the table when they KNOW that their guests will be bewildered…

4) I LOVE paper… stationary…. is one of my largest expenditures every year….i love it….i look for ANY excuse to send a note…ive been known to have parties just because i had a really good idea for an invitation…

5) im OCD… my refrigerator is a feak show…my compulsion to organize embarrasses me… so sometimes i organize in ways that others wont notice…like reverse alphabetical order…

6) im southern… it accounts for most of my eccentricities…. like….when i drink or if i want something reallly bad my accent gets stronger….i WILL NOT call boys…i wear dresses to church… my bra and panties always match… i use the good china all year long…. i have more table clothes than should be legal (and my ocd means that i have to iron them regularly)… and i cherish the differences between boys and girls…

7) …hmm…something juicy to finish up with…..i dont have any tattoos.. everyone always assumes i do….i do however, have several discreet piercings…

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…weekends are for warriors…not sex kittens…….

Wed (hump day): invited to join fun friends for drinks…at 7…soooo i came home put on a pretty frock, powdered my nose, pulled the tangles out of my hair….. and fell fast asleep…. didnt wake up til 930 the next morning..on top of the covers still in my frock and false eyelashes…thats f-r-O-c-k..you kids have such dirty minds

damn…

Thurs (lil Firday): worked a wee bit… went in late…cause i slept til 930..but i didnt count it as sleep because i wasnt under the covers…it isnt restful..if you arent snuggled in…so i didnt actually get out of bed…til 1030… then spent the best part of the day at a power lunch drinking martinis…went home early… big lunches make me sleepy

…yawn….

Fri: standing on a street corner when a cute boy spotted me… he circled back .. and i convinced him to take me to the grocery store!…score! sooo with a weekends worth of cheddar cheese and Life cereal… the pressure was off to find any dates to feed me…so… i had drinks only… and was tucked into bed early…under the covers this time..not that passed out sprawled out on top… as is prone to happen on friday nights

Sat: early morning text message from boy: “lets drop the top and get fucked up” how could i say no to such a romantic offer…alas… the agent for the loveshack (emphasis on shack!)called ….what do you think..should i buy a teeny lil love shack on the river that needs “some tlc” about 15k in work???? i dont know either sooo i got up wery wery early… drove west for 45 min… and dipped my toes in the shallow part of the shenandoah …and then came back… grabbed the boy… and proceeded to order mimosas…only of course we asked the ‘tress to serve ‘em in big ole pint glasses….so she wouldnt have to keeeep refilling us every two min..then.. . finished up with a girlfriend at my fave watering hole …. and i was again… tucked in before the “douching hour”…ed note…”douching hour” starts around 10 am in my neighborhood during hockey playoff season….

Sun: i was in bed (under the covers) when i get a text from a friend…he is back in town… just getting into a cab @ airport… i texted back in my sleepy text voice… i havent had coffee yet…he showed up on my doorstep..made me breakfast…. kissed my cheek and left to go check into his hotel…seriously… ive got that one trained just about perfectly!! i didnt leave the house all day…kittens dont like rain…soo…i watched lifetime movie network while surfing the net… and discovered:

1) the pope wears prada: hes totally jacking my style with red leather prada shoes…but whateves..if a creepy ole german guy is gonna have a fetish..i suppose an italian shoe one is about as vanilla as they come…its also rumored he sports some serengeti and gucci shades… is benny a label whore?? speaking of whores…and when i say whores i mean hot chicks…

2) guess who is STARRING in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS??…. YEP..our girl jenna jameson…. the campy horror film stars our fave lil pornstar …or whats left of her…. personally….i think it looks fun… and the cute Roxy Saint should be worth it alone…as the goth stripper who WANTS to be a zombie..cause it will make her uber-gothy.. i think it has opened in limited release…so you folks in NYC check it out for me and give me reviews…it isnt here yet….and from the looks of it may not get wide theater release…

i know….kinda dull..but sugar please….. even sex kittens get sleepy…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

SEX KITTEN 101:

if you are a blond sex kitten in french stilettos… dancing with a sooopa sexy tiny lil’ black girl — telling boys that you are “girlfriends” — doesnt do much to disuade them from trying to dance with you…

SEX KITTEN 103:

The GOOD Thing about living next door to a club:

if you run out of toilet paper at 3:30am… they will loan you a roll

The BAD part:

it will be one of those industrial sized rolls and will be kicking round in your powder room for years….

and…..in the tradition of overheard in dc: or eavesdrop dc…except these happened to me:

1) from creepy dude with snotty attitude sitting on a fountain with large boa constrictor wrapped around him with the head coming up from between his legs and kinda swaying…

when my girlfriend was startled:

Creepy dude: “What youve never seen a guy holding a snake before??”

Me: ummm..yeah… ive seen lots of boys hold thier snakes…..just never one sooo small….

2) Cute guy friend as we are walking home from dinner:

my yoga instructor has been checking out my MATCH.Com profile…does that mean she is into me? (i dont know why this one struck me funny but it did…mostly cause my yoga instructors have mostly all been crazies…)

3) drunk girl digging in her purse for her ID

..my handbag is like a warzone!!

4) lamest pick up line of the work week… from guy sitting next to me at a bar

this IS my “im available” outfit…is that your “im available” outfit??….

5) lamest pick up line of the weekend…from super young super prepster at THE Space

him : wow… you look smart

me: wow… you look drunk

xoxo

sugarbabies!!!!! OMG we have sooo much to catch up on!!!!…

let me seee…. where to start????

should i start with…. tracing a little droplet of sweat down the spine of a pretty brazilian stripper with my pinky…while she was on stage…. ah yes….that night ended with an extra hundred bucks tucked neatly in the bra of my ample bosomed girlfriend….a trip to the ER at GW….where the detectives gave me and my bitchin Bestsy Johnson Tiger Fur Coat and 5 inch platform stilettos one of those up and down looks…pulled out their little notebooks and pencils (little pencils..hehehe) …and started the “witness interview” with …”Soooo you work at <insert name of strip club>” to which i responded..”could we hurry this up….i wanna be gone when his wife shows up”…

OR….

should i skip to a party with the beautiful people of dc…. i know… i know…. we dont realllly have beautiful people…but nonetheless…. every LA Wannabe and LNS popped collar in town made their way to ….wait for it…SHAW… to a slightly shady…..you know i looove that about a place….. former garage….now…. a trendy LA-ish lounge….. The Space….

OR…

maybe you wanna hear about …boys… the latest crop….

the good looking older man….who lives close by and cant believe he hasnt run into me before…he has potential… im pretty sure he was on a date when he slid me his card…. ummm suave…but he was soo cute i can prob forgive it….stay tuned…

the tooo young for me hot body…..that …. i teased all night…just cause… well…i was bored

the rockstar who wants to celebrate something…he’ll tell me when he sees me…. great…with my luck..he is pregnant…

the pretty boy from rio..who thought sofa meant sex…and got pouty when i handed him a blanket and a pillow… dude… SOFA…means SOFA….. i would never fault a boy for trying …but NO …still means NO… and when it comes to boys…pouting…..it just isnt sexy…. take it somewhere else…

OR

maybe…you have a fetish…. like mine….and you want to start with the new spring shoes! the Christian Louboutins that look like they will be my faves of the season…

they have already turned a few heads on the street (i even caught a certain good looking older man sneak a subtle double take) —- really they are smoking…they even got the approval of the gay cowboys….who gave me special permission to two-step on their dance floor in them…even though they are not cowboy boots…. just trust me … it was a high honor…. now if only i could two-step…

OR

maybe the TWO separate hospitals not including the GW ER incident…. that housed friends the last two weeks for unrelated but serious medical crap…that necessitated the sending of hi end flowers with cards that read….

just so you know…the mandarin oriental is less expensive AND has better linens….xoxo

OR

maybe the time when a freaking amazon lesbian accused my friend of …get this….i couldnt make this up… Biting her Finger….. oh sweet jjjjeeeeebus…… when the cops showed up …it happened to be a 1D officer i know pretty well… and the amazon lesbian went to jail! OMG….. the fun never stops…..

OR

maybe you just want to hear that it is officially that time of year…and i am once again… running around this town topless…and i have a wee bit sunburn to prove it….

xoxo

sugarbabies..

changing your pants while driving down the toll road in a spring rain -that also includes sleet- with a 5 speed manual transmission… AND 5 inch stilettos… takes a certain je ne sais quoi …. that this sex kitten has been practicing…..but…. the whole thing left me remembering THIS…and i definately give extra credit because …well… because the diagrams are kick ass… i think that the same general principles apply to sex on wheels…keeping in mind…there is more head room but less privacy..if the top is down…

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

for reasons i wont go into here and now…(this bitch is discreet if nothing else)…. i recently had occasion to be shopping at both Tiffany and Co. AND Cartier… personally i think Tiffany’s is *bitched…but whatever… at BOTH lil shops folks commented on my enamel and brass elephant bracelet..

pictured here…

cute right?? yeah i like it too… i wear it kind of often..

sooo….. i wasnt surprised when the salesgirl from cartier mentioned that she liked it…

what did surprise me …

was when a “girl” i can only describe as

Kim Kardashian with more crazy….and a harsh jersey accent …spoke up….

“i dont do vintage” she said…

then nodding at my bracelet…

“i’ve seen a bracelet like that before” she kept going…

“really???” i feigned interest … (i can be polite to a fault) ….. she kept going…

“i saw it at <insert name of expensive jeweler that specializes in estate jewelery> ” … she kept going..

“and if you ask me <note: no one had> 4k is tooo much to spend for something some other person has been wearing… maybe if it was platinum….or had some bling…i dont get that whole vintage thing?? its like goodwill or sum thang”….

my response was quick and casual….

“huummmm well… i can see why you might feel that way…..but this was a gift from <insert name of famous rockstar here> when we were together a few years ago…. it was his grandmothers.. he wouldnt take it back when we..umm…stopped seeing each other…even his mom told me to keep it…so i still wear it on occasion”

her eyes widened…her jaw dropped… “OH…well that is different -that’s family”

i pointed out that it wasnt MY family…. she looked confused… then asked if she could look closer…i extended my wrist…and gently slid my cashmere sweater sleeve up…..** she fondled the largest elephant with reverence…

“you can really tell the quality by the weight” she said ….unable to hide her new admiration for the chunky bit of jewelry she had rudely dismissed…

she left…mumbling something about heading back to the estate jewelry place for a second look at that “vintage crap” …..

i smiled and turned back to the sales girl …. who …..wisely…. had been quiet through the exchange…

“wow…when did you date <rockstar>” ?? …. she asked politely….

in the 90’s…. i replied…. but …we only went out a few times…

“and he gave you his grandmothers bracelet”??? she asked incredulously….

ummm..no…. this old thing??? i got it for 30 bucks at JCrew….

we both giggled….she might even have doubled over and given me a little girly fist bump that im sure they frown on in Cartier sales training…

— so to jersey kim—

suck it bitch…nobody asked you!

xoxo
ed notes

* -bitched- is how my friends and i described has been trends…. its a bad translation of a bad (local to barranquia columbia) slang spanish word… dont ask…

**that one was for you uncle keith

hi sugarbabies….

the green i know best ….cash…. and evidently…. i spent sooo much of it this past weekend….that my banker called today to make sure that all the transactions were “authorized“….seriously….my banker is cute as a button…a sexy, older, clooney-esque button…ive had a crush on him since the 90’s…. maybe that is what moved me to try to “explain” things as we went through the list of charges…

SAFEWAY ….at first i denied this one…ummm no i dont think thats me…where was it?? ….then i remembered picking up three boxes of diet mt dew and hitting the wine aisle in the burbs…..oh yeah yeah that one is ok

GALLERY PLACE (atm withdrawal)… yeah.. some walking around money..

LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah…i was trying to get them to name a new cocktail after me..i dont know…some brazilian fruit that i cant remember… haha…ok ill tell him to make it expensive…like me

ASIA 9: ummmm yeah…. they’re new…have you ever had sparkling saki??? or lychee martini shots?? no? umm yeah they were great..umm yeah they are kind of expensive….but i think there was sushi too and maybe tiramisu …i know that does sound like a nasty combination… seemed like a good idea at the time…

LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah after the lesbian club we went back there….no they comped us VIP style at the lesbian party… yeah… well…next time you come over ill take you…i know i know ….but no…it wasnt that kind of lesbian party….no it was more like a jerry springer episode…ok ok…next time you can be the judge….but reallly sugar…you should trust me on some of this stuff…

DUNKIN DONUTS: yeah that was prob me… (sour cream ..they are my fave… coffee sweet with lots of milk….in case anyone is taking notes)

GORDON BIERSCH: umm….yeah hangover pizza, love…

VALENTINO: yeah.. well i needed something to wear… yeah i know how much that is… youre absolutely right…i could have made the freaking dress out of money for less…. i know love… but…trust me… the way that dress hugs a curve is… priceless…

SUGAR DVD: ummm yeah thats ok too… a girl needs her PR0N….and … netflix is sooo *yawn* you know….vanilla…

FADO….umm yeah i know…frat boys but…its not LNS…and i had promised…. i couldnt get out of it…

IRISH CHANNEL… yeah that was me…i know i know….jeeezuz …youre not telling me anything i dont know…now youre my mom???

CLYDES: yeah ….well …. i was tired of irish people….. yes …. especially my family….

HAGEN DAZ …yeah… i didnt know they were open that late either!…girlfriend needed a dazzler…

TARGET…. yeah ..it just opened…it has this really cool “cart escalator” yeah it was already broken.. i cant wait til somebody leaves their kid in it… yeah well columbia heights is not MIT…

ITUNES…. yeah… the new erykah badu…. yeah it sounds like all her stuff…but…thats good cause i like her stuff… yeah..i accidentally bought it twice….what do you want from me???…i was dwinking…you can fix that?? sweet…thanks….

CVS: yeah… well.. pharmaceuticals love…

UNITED AIRLINES: yeah… thats mine…. yeah im stilllll on the road too much…im getting toooo old for it… no seriously..i am….whatever….

SAN JOSE HOTEL: yep… i know.. right??…boutique place that gets it … umm no im not gonna be in town for the NCAA tournament… yeah well dont tell …. course you can stay there…make yourself at home…but… i should warn you…. i think im out of toilet paper…you might want to go prepared…

you know its a good thing you arent a stalker…or psycho…you sure have a lot of information bout me there…really?? what does it say???…. no shit… cool….soo i could basically spend a few grand in vegas …and that wouldnt trigger anything??? thats funny…i hardly even go to vegas … soooo what DID trigger the system to red flag my account?? i mean …none of these charges seem out of the ordinary….

no problem take your time…

oh… YOU ARE $HITTING ME…. but… people do THAT alll the time… really?… youre kidding… sooooo youre saying i havent spent more than twenty five dollars in a grocery store on my debit card since 2003???– whats that like 4 or 5 years???? fuuuuuuck me…….

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…

its not easy keeping sex on wheels sexy…or on wheels for that matter…. seems she likes her tires like i like my shoes…expensive and italian…and also like me… she wears em out quick…as in …i just put tires on her in November…yes sugarbabies… thats right…its not complicated “delegate math”….barely five months… cause evidently expensive high performance tires….like expensive high platform stilettos… are NOT in any sense of the word…practical…

and i wouldnt have it any other way….

sooo….. i dropped sex on wheels off at the auto repair shop dayspa….and handed the keys over to a the professional auto fixer dude anxious pimply faced boy…as he took the keys i apologized for how dirty she was…i know i know like me…. you kids are awful…he smiled and said he had seen dirtier…which kinda cracked me up ..cause i can assure you…. im prob the dirtiest thing that that poor kid will EVER SEE….. but whats a girl to do..i smiled coyly…batted my eyelashes and left them alone…a few hours later… i picked her up…

• new tires

• oil changed (im leaving the lube job joke to uncle keith…hes better at them than me…but i do want to remind him that her engine IS in the REAR)

• and freshly washed and waxed…. (inset your own joke here…some of them are just too easy….i cant do ALLLL the work for y’all)

and i swear… after an afternoon with sex on wheels… when i pulled out ( its like christmas here for uncle keith today) of there….it seemed to me… that the kid… had weee bit of swagger…i whispered to sex on wheels….

SUGAR…our job here is done….

xoxo

why do i like this place sooooo much???

depending on your cho