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first..your boyfriend doesn’t think i’m a bitch… you do… its not the same… but don’t worry… i TOLD him i’m a bitch… he took it as a challenge… your boyfriend is a little bit competitive and likes a bit of a challenge… and i’ve got that over you… cause he already KNOWS he can have you … and hes bored with your tory burch ballerina flats…and diaper bag of a purse… sorry love…  milquetoast isn’t sexy…and adding a bit of spice doesn’t make me a bitch..it makes me smart…

also…

…your boyfriend doesn’t like  drama… he doesn’t want to fight… he does like sex… he likes  angry sex and make up sex and morning sex and two am after the club sex and lets watch a movie in bed sex and before sunday brunch sex and during sunday brunch sex and i had a long day at work sex and gee your hair smells terrific sex and mmmm you look good in that dress take it off sex…

i’m not saying its just sex… but there is a lot to be said for keeping things…sexy…

via: mmrpg.net

because

i may be a spoiled…slightly ocd…passive aggressive bitch with daddy issues who drives too fast…cant park for shit…drinks too often…swears too much… carries around a ridiculously tiny dog (also a certified bitch)…eats carbs …stays out late on school nights…pouts…cant keep her fridge stocked with more than mixers… shameless flirt… in slutty shoes…but….

at my core…

i’m a really positive person….and

in a town full of spin doctors… trained to find and concentrate on the negative …that’s sexy…or at least your boyfriend thought it was ;-)…

xoxo

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…sugarbabies…

my date had a last min emergency as is wont to happen to dr’s (even doggie ones)… i must admit to pouting a bit.. mostly ’cause i had turned down another invite to join a pilgrimage out to VA to visit the holy grail that is … IHOP… 😦

i shook it off and headed to the gallery solo… world aids day…soo…yeah the crowd was fabulously loaded with pretty boys and the women who love them…. i was chatting away when suddenly a hand slipped round my waist… in a very “un-gay”  way… and a vodka tonic appeared in before my eyes… my eyes slid up… and up… and up…6’4″ to shiny eyes and bad boy hair

“I knew youd be here” he said as i accepted the glass…

“oh im predictable am i? ”

“THAT is not what i said”….he protested as he leaned down…

he kissed both cheeks and i introduced him to my friend…as “eye candy”… they chatted easily for just long enough to avoid being rude… one of the BEST things about gay friends..is that they can detect sexual chemistry from three blocks away….. and they are not wont to cockblock…he excused himself with an admiring up/down glance at the backside of eye candys brooks brothers suit… and an approving nod to me…

“its nice to see you” he said….obviously proud of the fact that he had predicted my whereabouts on this night…

he guided me round the gallery with his hand alternating between the back of my neck and  the small of my back… he chuckled when gay men continuously stopped us to comment on my Chanel spectators….

him: some things never change…you ALWAYS have the best shoes in the room ….

me : its been a long time

him: thats why im here

me: where have you been?

him: mostly new dehli but im moving back after the holidays

me: wanna get out of here?

him: i thought you might make me beg you

me: the night isnt over

he disappeared with the coat check tickets and as sooon as he was gone  friends descended from all directions… with lots of  omg’s and wtf?? and a few…”i wouldnt kick that tall drink of water outta bed”s…

i dont know…i dont know….i dont know what hes doing here… and i havent seen him in a verrry long time i replied with my hands in front of me slightly less than shoulder width apart… which is our “signal” for im not gonna need any of y’all fairies to walk me home 😉 and then he was back holding my coat so i could slip into it… we stepped out into the night…

me: where are you staying?

him: the willard

me: a suite?

him: the one you like

fucking christ i AM predictable i thought….

i told him there was someone new in my life… he said he wasnt surprised…

but he was… cause he laughed pretty hard when he found out the new someone was about three lbs of terrier…

he put his hand on the back of my neck… and guided me into a restaurant that we hadnt been to in a long time… the bartender recognized us instantly… and came round with hugs and how have you beens? slipping back into him and our old ways was proving very easy and nice… very nice…

he confirmed what i wanted… and ordered for me.. *sigh* why do sooo many men not know how to do this properly????

i couldnt eat… (crazzzzzy!!) my stomach was in knots… i sipped the vodka tonic… and pushed some food around the plate… he looked happy… and sad at the same time… and … i asked if he wanted to meet alice…

he gave the cabbie the address & directions to my place… from memory…

outside the house he didnt assume he was invited in…

i  offered to get alices leash and walk him to his hotel… i was feeling pretty darned proud of myself for not just bringing him inside ….pushing him into the sofa and making him beg…

we walked slowly and he said… he liked that about me… but i was willing to bet hard cash that wasnt the reason he was there…. the temps had dropped significantly and it was really cold by the time we got to the hotel… ever the gentleman he invited us in to “warm up” … thats when his blackberry started ringing… alice and i stepped into the lobby and found a good people watching  spot on a silk sofa… some little girls came over and asked to pet her… i smiled…picked alice up and let them take turns getting a good finger licking from the pup until there mom insisted they go… soon enough he came around the corner apologizing… i nodded … its ok…

i stood up next to him…

he looked me straight in the eyes and said… kinda bashfully…

im not sure what to do right now… where to take this…

and i looked right back at him and kissed him… and then kissed him again…and  maybe a third time and maybe  i bit his lip a tiny bit as i pulled away and said…

why dont we just leave it at that …

he hung his head a little smiled and nodded …saying…youre sooo great…

yeah i know…i replied rolling my eyes

truthfully…. one of the verrrrry first things  i noticed when i saw him was that the ring was gone…but i couldnt say if it was in his pocket or not…and we both avoided the question…which im guessing pretty much answers the question….

i scooped up alice …turned round on the heel of those pretty chanel shoes… crossed  the lobby of the willard and walked out….

xoxo

oh yeah…*guys take note* windows are like mirrors at night… he stood there and watched me walk away…i didnt turn around ….not even when i got to the revolving door…

…fuck me….or not as the case may be…

oh sugarbabies…   a weekend is a terrrible thing to waste! whats that?? you dont have dinner plans?? no worries sugar…just follow these quick easy steps :

  1. get your hair done
  2. drop the top
  3. (this one  is important) …get lost in great falls ( where the median home value 1.5million)
  4. agree to buy lunch in exchange for directions back to DC
  5. forget your wallet (doh!)
  6. agree to make it up to him and buy DINNER …IF he ever gets lost in your neck of the woods 😉
  7. wait 24 hours for him to call saying he’s “lost” at the capital grille @ 6th and Pennsylvania
  8. agree to rescue him (and thank heavens you know a few of the staff so its not toooo weird that he somehow found your number -and trust me it aint easy-)
  9. pull a particularly sweet pair of pradas out of their box
  10. … let nature take its course….

xoxo

…great…

of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…

i need to eat something….what time is it??

3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….

ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….

yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….

do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning

here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….

glamour is a rocky road….

perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….

Skin flicks… lipstick…  baby scribbles in the mirror…

i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…

and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…

damn these boots are hot  ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me

drama overdoses….

yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…

i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..

it feels kinda good…

no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..

i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..

chickie babys gone off the deep end

pain….plain ole predictable foot pain…  that im in CONTROL of….

is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…

and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…

no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….

god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….

i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf

change get back to the beginning…

i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..

i wanna get outta here…now…

change… go back to the beginning…

emotional honesty as  bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …

i want out of here….

thoughtless words are like shadows…

where the fuck is my overnight bag???

where is my phone???

hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???

ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.

god dammit im outta soda pop…

i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…

from a world where words… are like graven images

zip these fucking boots up…

yeah im feeling  a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….

bag? check.

lip gloss? check.

credit cards? check.

cell phone? check.

turn off the heat.. Check.

damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ’em and fuck him tooo…

we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….

ok im out…

—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..

no he didnt just call me sweetness….

fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….

” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”

it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…

@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”

FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc

“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me!  fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!

butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…

buses… roadies…  a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….

where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…

change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….

born into a life where pain is your very best friend…

fuck… missed the light…there  is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF  do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…

one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…

unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….

this town is toooo fucking small….

its the way of the wicked…

green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…

theres no time for love….

im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…

theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..

xoxo


****editors note****

i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss  a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..

xoxo





sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…

Now where to begin??????

maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:

“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and  quietly judging me”

or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…

“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”

seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money???  have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….

he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)

so theres that…

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace

(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)

i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….

i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….

i am verrrrry smoooooth….

xoxo

hi suagarbabies…

call me crazy…but… i like the heat…it feels hard and honest… yesterday…i dropped the top…and let the sun do its worst…i mean really…its not THAT hot if youre doing 85-ish and heading west…to the mountians… to the horse track… to play the ponies… to push your luck….HARD….

about 30 min out of the city….i stopped for a bevvie.. a quickie…iced coffe from starbucks… the hot felt good….(i know im crazy) so i sat down at one of the tables outside of starbucks to chillllax for a few min. and make a few phone calls…(its hard to talk on the phone when youre doing 85-ish with the top down and the music up) ….. soon a crowd of youngsters …they looked like high schoolers but turned out to be college kids….they were gathering around an older dude…that i recognized…but ignored… their tshirts, buttons, and fliers gave them away as politico wannabes and the old dude was reveling in their unabashed adoration… eventually the “campaign manager” turned up…to “organize the interns” ….. thats when he turned his attention to me…. i had known it was coming…so i was ready …i sat languidly sipping my coffee and crossed my legs… swinging a my six inch louboutins into the walkway…. and casually ran my fingers though my hair… tangles… an unavoidable top down consequence.... pushed my chanel sunglasses up off my eyes onto my head and smiled – as he presumptively sat down in other chair at “my” table….

sooo whats a pretty lil thing like you doing out in this heat?…. he asked

i smiled slightly and told him… im not the kind of girl that wilts….

he grinned, pulled his chair closer and…PATTED MY THIGH and said he like people who could “take the heat”….

im not joking…what style of OG old school game is that?????????

then he asked if i was …”into politics”

–seriously…. the dude was working sooo hard to try to get my vote impress me with his political office—–that i almost felt sorry for him….ummmm honey im not one of those doe eyed sorority girls that wants to please you….. nope… i know more than your name…i know your record..

i responded…. “well lover… a more accurate statement would be that …. politicians are into me”

he sat back… i think the word LOVER…scared him…he looked down at the table… and fingered the key to SOW…

him: i saw you drive up….

me: i know…

him: i guess im just gonna ask…will you meet me for dinner later tonight

me: im heading pretty far west tonight love…. maybe next time

him: can i call you

me: only if you talk dirty

him: laughing

me: trust me sugar…im more trouble than you want…

him: you might be right

me: im rarely wrong

him: did’nt i meet you at a party for <insert politician here> last year

me: well i do like to think that if we had met….you’d remember

him: i remember… you had glasses and really high heeled shoes… he nodded toward my louboutins…

me: like i said sugar….you are already in waaay over your head…but ill let you tell yourself your sweating cause of the heat…

him: id really like to take you out sometime…

me: i know…

him: will you call me?

me: probably not…i dont call boys …ever…. but one of my assistants might… you know.. if i had a parking ticket or something…

him: are you even gonna vote for me?

me: is that what the kids call it these days???

him: laughing…im not giving up on this

me: i know

then i picked up my key…and let him watch me walk to SOW…i might have turned up the jiggle a little more than normal… but whateves…im sweet slutty that way….

I pushed 90-ish getting to the racetrack…

thought my luck had run out…

til the 7th…

i walked outside into the heat..down past the track…round to the stables…down close… patted a few sweaty ponies… watched the grooms and jockeys pull saddles down and push bales of hay around… talked to an old friend … and there in the heat with the ponies and the smell of sweat and leather and sweet hay and steamy wet piles of peat….picking my way around the dirty dusty path… with the sun beating down …i cried…hot tears on hot sunburned cheeks …i guess i just didnt want to carry it anymore…and right there…

i put down some of the emotional baggage id been carrying round for the last few weeks…

and i picked the trifecta…

it had a 2 thousand dollar payoff…not bad for a two dollar bet…

im not sure…but…

i think i feel my mojo coming back…..

xoxo

Ridin’ the range once more
Totin’ my old .44
Where you sleep out every night
And the only law is right
Back in the saddle again

-gene autry

sugar babies…

around one thirty in the morning…the atmosphere at the bar had gone from mellow to….well …you could feel… the soft touch of desperation rolling slowly in…kinda smoke like..gathering in corners and spreading out…. under the swanky lounge chairs and … curling up … toward the bar…

……no wait…that is REAL smoke…oh yeah….im in virginia they still smoke out here….how did i get out here??? jeeezuz…. somebody shoot me… oh yeah…he offered to drive…

girls were forcing laughs…their faces shiny… their lipstick had turned garish… when they leaned back against the divans…they closed their eyes… and you could tell that for them… the room was spinning… more from the cocktails than the dj

the boys were feeling the pressure to make a move soon…or be resigned to going home solo… so they were kicking up their game… and being more touchy feely than they had been earlier in the evening… with one eye checking for other options that were still attainable given the time restraints… it wasnt helping them that mother nature was cock blocking with cold and monsoon rains coming down in sheets …combined with the general apathy that has permeated DC during the last few weeks of an extended primary season… well …poor babies…. it was gonna be an uphill battle…i leaned in and wished one boy luck with a girl who was probably cute when she hadnt been rained on…..he passed his hookah….

oh yeah…fucking hell..im in a eurotrash hookah bar in virginia….somebody pleazzze shoot me

the waitress…was bringing drinks a little slower… trying to get a head start on getting out of there… she was rounding up credit cards…. smiling a little harder…. last call isnt too far off.. she reminds me of someone….i cant think who…maybe kardashians crazy loud sister?? maybe….

but i have to admit…im glad i decided to come out….. i dont do much of ANYTHING that i dont want to…but…i let him talk me into it…. i didnt want to go out..and i certainly didnt want to go out to virginia….(best Tshirt spotted at the black cat last week ..Virginia is for Losers) i DEF… wouldnt have agreed to a hookah bar….

but…. i suck at saying no….

and he offered to drive….

and with sex on wheels..STILLLLLLL in intensive care….out at the dealer….damn… youd think german car parts wouldnt be THAT hard to come by…

so i let him take the lead …..and we headed to an anonymous arlington bar…. it was nice to be in a new neighborhood where nobody knows you… you dont nod slightly to anyone as they acknowledge that you are with a new boy from across the room…with a knowing …if only slight lift of their glass…nobodys eyebrows raise when you walk by with that…”hes cute ..call me later” look

questions piss me off these days… i dont know why…im just not in the mood for them…..and he didnt ask many…sooo that was good… we shared some apple tobacco…he knew the waitress….so the ice never rattled in my glass… and the dj worked a mellow groove between LA cool and NY hot…. the people watching was kind of bland… so when he leaned in and kissed me …it was a welcome diversion…but frankly… i was in a melancholy mood and it was gonna take more than a few vodka tonics and some PDA… to pull me out of it…

and then it comes back to me…ummm yeah…im in hookah bar… one fortyfive ish… a.m… im hungry… i had wiggled out of an earlier dinner date….. (i told you i hadnt wanted to go out) so i hadnt eaten… and the vodka tonics were gonna start to catch up to me…

like i said he didnt want to talk…and that was fine with me…i preferred it…

maybe having sex on wheels in the shop has me soo melancholy…maybe the rain…maybe the cold…. maybe i should go to LA… just for a few days… maybe im over thinking it…maybe im over thinking everything these days…i was getting grouchy…i was ready to switch to ginger ale….i just wanted to get back to my place…crawl into a warm dry bed…. snuggle down… but….here i was in VA at two in the morning…

thank god….he made the right offer…

and well….

bob and ediths is too hard to pass up…

fried eggs and grits…

then he put his ride into gear (sometimes i forget how much i like to watch boys drive) and we headed back across the river…

home…

the lesbians were wrapping up their party next door…. and one of them was sitting in a wheeled office chair while her friends pushed her down the sidewalk …spinning…in the rain…

two kids “security personnel” brought me an end of the night “goodie bag” from the club owner… and ….well….its nice to be back in my neighborhood…

and

then….in the morning… i wake up to a text from the rockstar…

hes in town…

want to get breakfast???

there can be a beautiful symmetry to starting a morning …

the same way you finished the evening…

with a boy who doesnt ask too many questions…and a bowl of grits….

maybe in another life… it would be the SAME boy… morning And night

but frankly…i think i like it my way bettter… at least for now

xoxo

oh sugarbabies….

it wasnt anything that 12 hours of sleep and a few mood leveling Grey Goose and Tonics… couldnt fix…. thanks for your well wishes… and….yes…everything is the color it should be now….

in an effort to lighten things up a bit…. well…

one of my fave bloggers…. decided that her life was more fun as a multiple choice quiz….. well i started thinking…and i decided that my life….is probably better as a comic… depending on well…..all kinds of crap…… maybe it will be a regular feature…

my life is better as a comic

special thanks to:

glenn barr whose images of Avengah and i forget the name of the other one and i cant find it online.. i stole..errr umm borrowed

HIN to whom i credit the phrase “eyelash jujitsu” or judo in this case…and whose birthday im ashamed to admit..i overlooked….i suck… i know….

blueseaglass…..who i cant believe found that hot pic of the bond girl on the Playboy cover from Nov 1965….which by the way….i scored a super good condition copy of off ebay for like 7 bucks shipping included!! and no kidding the cover is truly only HALF the fun….sooo…if youre in my bathroom… be sure to pick it up…the centerfold…..is freaking priceless

xoxo

sugarbabies..

ive been avoiding his calls the last few weeks… so last night he left me a long message…  he’d been drinking…so it was a drunk dial….. whatever…..

he says … he wishes he had never met me… that …im like heroin…. and he wants to quit…but cant…

he constantly wonders where i am and who im with…

i couldnt help but giggle… sugarpie…. you say that every time!! and you expect different results??? isnt that the definition of crazy????

DUDE… your starting to sound like a freaking stalker…. and just because you send obscenely expensive gifts doesnt make your stalker stuff…any sexier…

he tells me im a pretty bullet

im completely ambivalent….

thanks for the presents…now come on…..get over it already….jeez…. boys… can be soooo freaking dramatic at christmas…

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

my tolerance for douchbagy behavior is at an all time low… rrgh…it went something like this….
4pm… text message from realllly rich man boy i used to see kinda often…

Im in town can i buy you a drink…

  • douch move..if you haven’t seen me in mos. freaking call…i know rejection is easier in the form of a text…but grow some balls…call

i responded that i was tied up til late (not that way…*sigh*…i wish..)

he insisted…..would 8pm be late enough?…

  • douche move..take no for an answer

i reluctantly agreed…

About 6pm i thought about canceling…but…

before i could… i get another text saying hes at one of the new uber fancy bars in my neighborhood.. waiting…

rrrgh.. TWO HOURS EARLY….

  • third douche move in two hours…not good

i sucked it up and thought..ok… well hes close by… i can do it…

i sighed as i turned off … a really good episode of CSI…

and walked out into the cold…

things went ok for about 15 min… he asked how i had been.. and almost managed to look like he cared…

i explained that i :

  • had been realllly busy….ugh…
  • was reallly exhausted… and..
  • a good friends young daughter had been diagnosed with some realllly freaking scary asss medical shit….

through that conversation ..i stayed upbeat and positive…

BUT then… he said how he had been dealing with some real shit too..

oh no! i thought… thinking of his aging parents or some such thing…

…and im not making this up…

he starts going offff…about how he cant get the phone in his new Mercedes to work…

he works himself all up…slamming his phone on the bar…

  • psycho douche move

now granted it can be frustrating to pay 90k for a new car and then have shit not work…

but damn it…

that is NOT a real problem

that is an inconvenience… there is a difference…

and if you have sooo much money that your attorney suggests that you start a charitable fund..to defray your tax liability….you should to know it…..

  • douche move…I don’t want to sit in a bar and just nod my head at your silly rant… conversations go two ways…

quite frankly…the whole thing turned my stomach….

to the point that i told him…

umm ..look ..im gonna pass on the dinner offer….im really tired…

soooo then…. he invited me to a big party on sat night… in Miami

  • douche move…but..hey… who is counting???and i left out a few others…

Oh..wish i could… i said…but i already have plans…

that MADE HIM MAD…. no shit!!!

  • douche move ..uh..youre upset that I cant go to a party in ANOTHER state without more than three days notice?? Fuck You…if i even LIKED you at the moment..i might consider it..but um…i dont…

i also told him:

“look sugarpie…youve had a few more drinks than me…so im gonna chalk it up to that..but…im sorry to have to be the one to tell you… you have waay toooo good a life to be concentrating on a bunch of petty negative shit… none of your problems cant be fixed with money..and you have plenty of it…”

and i left…

WORST PART… i looked freaking stunning…

what a fucking waste….

after i ditched him i went to chipotle…

ordered a chicken bowl… i watched the girl put a sloppy spoonful of guac on the top…

at that moment..

i knew id made the right decision… walking away from him…

i deleted him from my cell phone…

paid for my chicken bowl…

and walked quite contentedly back out into the cold…

xoxo

 

 

UPDATE: i got a text this morning saying please dont contact him…. ummm..dude..i have NEVER contacted YOU…i dont call boys….. maybe YOU should stop contacting ME…ya think??..you f-ing psycho!!

sugarbabies..its been oh i dunno a week..

and my ocd is pushing me to write a post with bullet points….what follows is a kind of… since we last spoke…. list

  • “he hearts me”….is out of the state.. i got a text message saying sorry i scared you.. huumm….wonder what gave it away?? evidently i didnt hide my terror as well as i thought…
  • snuck into a “technically” closed art gallery with a boy and made out…..a little….. in the dark…in front of some of the better pieces..
  • had a fella take me to a gay bar for dinner…he also recapped his brazilian wax experience….you read that right…HIS BRAZILIAN…. he might be just teeeny bit too metro sexual gay for me to actually date…and when i say date …i mean sleep with…
  • skipped a cocktail party full of douchbag lawyers…. to get cheap mexican food with a way cute lawyer.. only to have douchbag hockey fans get involved and show their nipples… to the poor family that was seated behind me…. the kids were asking…”Mommy why is that guy doing that???” to which mommy responded.. “Its because of that girl”…ohh great..blame the victim… whatever…note to self..no more encouraging drunk assholes….. speaking of ass
  • today i realized i am gonna have to give up NPR if they dont stop talking about asbergers disorder.. i realize that there are a lot of unfortunate disorders and diseases out there…and if a person is ALREADY saddled with that… why for the love of baby jeezuz…would you name said disorder some thing as wretched as .. asbergers…pronounced ..you guessed it…ASS- Burgers??? wouldnt this just add to their torment.. ..sooo for three days now….every time someone tells diane rehm or kojo nnambi “I have Ass Burgers”...or..“i was diagnosed late in life with ass burgers” i loose my train of thought…..and giggle….

basically sugarbabies…… between ass burgers and blogging..i havent worked in three days…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

soaking a heart in two bottles of prime argentinian red wine… doesnt make breaking it… any easier…

when he told me he had lied to me..

i just laughed..

“whatever…… you’re not the first guy to lie to me… as a matter of fact, i dont even think this would be the first time YOU have lied to me…. so just spit it out…”

Then i noticed he was really serious and i thought…oh shit… here we go…

“remember when i told you i really cared about you”…. he started …..

now i see where this is going..and its gonna be a train wreck.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it…. why the hell didnt ANYBODY ask me to do ANYTHING….on monday night so i wouldnt have gotten myself into this shit…..

damn.. damn..damn..

Im looking around…

jean claude had told him not to order a second bottle of a wine that good…..and i realize… too late… how right that had been.

jeeeezuz… now im desperately giving jean claude the “i need coffee and a cab signal”…

but he’s not gonna let me get away that easy…..and he keeps talking…..even though ive pretty much made it clear…. that…

i dont want to hear what he wants to say…

“look sugar pie… you’ve had too much of that stuff (nodding at the wine bottle) for me to take anything you say seriously”…

he keeps going ..insisting that the wine is just what he needed.. and that he had planned to play the evening all cool and aloof…but he’s leaving town in the morning and doesnt want to go without having this conversation…..

because… depending on how it goes..

he may not come back to DC…until he absolutely has to…

jeeezuz… men boys can be dramatic…

i try to change the subject and tell him i know of an emerging artist that would looove the opportunity to paint a mural on the side of one of his buildings…

he waves his hand… he can paint them all…(just clear it with the city..so they dont paint over it …and then send me a bill….) ok …so something good might come of the night…

jean claude brings the coffee…espresso…. a double shot…but i dont need it…..im perfectly sober now…

i push it across the table… if he is drinking he cant talk…right??

not so.. he downs it like a shot…

great.. two bottles of liquid courage followed by a double shot of i can do this allll night…. im an idiot…

The black caucus is in town… a young lobbyist works up his nerve and makes his way over from the bar…..relief sweeps in.. but.. ummm…nope…..

he sends the kid back to the bar… saying….we are in the middle of something serious…

damn… damn… damn…..

i give the youngster the “f-ing help me out here!!” face…

but typical dc douchy lobbyist….hes not gonna step in on a power player…..just to help a girl…

the kid disappeared…

now hes looking all serious again…… he says he only comes to dc these days to see me…

…. this is kinda shocking because… the fucker fella hasnt even called me in months… i just got an afternoon text message that said…

can you meet me at Ruths Chris 7pm??

it keeps going …and well..

they spill out.. he says he didnt want to do it like this ..but he is gonna anyway…

and out they come… those scary three words …. the ones that i cant say for sure which is scarier

saying them….

or hearing them???

allll i know is…..

i cant even type them…

and tuff as i am…

i dont want to watch anyone cough up the bloody mess commonly referred to as a heart…

and then have to choke it down again…

….they just dont make enough argentinian red to make that palatable….

its even harder if it someone you like..

someone you wish the best for..

someone you know you are NOT the right person for….

someone who wants you to spend the winter with him on his fancy yacht….anchored off a sunny beach….

but….truthfully….i was only there because the guy i had wanted to have dinner with….hadnt called…. isnt it always like that???

i did the only thing i could…

i kissed him on the cheek….

and walked away….

i probably would have run..but..umm….these shoes realllly are five freaking inches tall

maybe…..

if he had better taste in music…. he might have listened to some Tom Waits….

and might have known that girls like me…

really any girl in these shoes

is just an open invitation …

to the blues…

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…the official boys of summer wrap up.. in bullet points…

  • The Supreme Court still calls but.. whatever..i only answer if im realllly bored
  • The Artist and i managed to ignore each other most of the summer… except for one particularly HOT show… and except when he slid two hundred dollars in my pocket..he behaved himself.. ok ok.. except for sliding up behind me and grabbing my hair and kissing my neck…which was kind of an asshole move..cause he KNOWS what that does to me…damn..even thinking of it makes me kinda….uumm..yeah…ok next… and yeah he owed me the money…
  • Spent time in NYC instead of on the beaches..so maybe thats why it doesnt feel like summer should be over yet??
  • The Rockstar…. considering our schedules we saw each other waay more than i would have guessed this summer….including a “layover” at dulles…and a little time “in the studio” in Texas…
  • The Boyscout..is now dating a married lady…. but shares the details over dinners.. i am sex therapist to more than one person in this uptight lil town…
  • i had the CREEPIEST.DATE.EVER. when a dude tricked me into his car and held me hostage took me to Capital Grill all the way out in tysons… then got drunk..so i had to sit there till he coffeed up…ugghhh…. nevermind..that there is a cap grille about 6 blocks from my house..dude wanted to show off his new mercedes..whatever… why do guys think i care about what car they drive???
  • met the LNS crowd… it is waay worse than you have heard…..is this what they mean when they say homeland security is worried about the “threat from within”???…. somehow..id feel better IF i thought that was true…

soooo i spent the last weekend of summer in DC…and it was great.. .. hung out with friends…putzed around the house, drinks at wonderland…i do love this wacky town..even in the heat of the summer…. when she is kicking tourist ass with 85% humidity… during the summer she is a little bit quieter,  a little less crowded, and a little less up tight……

and i can tell you

my love for her will still be strong….

after the boys of summer have gone….

ummm..does that make me a lesbian???

xoxo

I know.. i know… i shouldnt bring home a new boy …just …. because he is sexy… and because im impulsive… but.. this weekend that is just what i did…

and well…im soooo happy about it….

to be truthful…ive been eye-ing him from afar for a while now… and i even gave him a little consideration last year…but …i was afraid.. i was nervous about change… i was pretty invested in doing things the same old way… i didnt think i wanted the disruption of a new boy… but… i couldnt stop thinking about him…. and then by chance i ran into him while i was down in the A.R.L… maybe it was fate…thats how i saw it…. we just kind of connected….and he seemed perfect.. and sexy..did i mention sexy….and while i had gone out planning to return home alone… well… it didnt go down like that….

and… now that we’ve spent the weekend in bed.. watching tv together…getting to know each other…..

the last one.. didnt really like to “perform” in certain areas of the house…..

BUT this new boy…OMG… we were allll over the house together… and across the street at starbucks garnering envious glances… and putting on a kinda goofy PDA show…. and i just grinned…

go ahead ..be jealous bitches…hes allllll mine…

i know how some relationships… can be .. glorious and giddy in the beginning…(i cant wait to get home to him tonight!!!).. and then fade to an old familiarity… that gets dull.. and finally the flame flickers out….

i think that is what happened with the last one… we… just started to take each other for granted.. and in the end i was really resentful..of his neediness… him not really going places with me…. his constant need for ME to charge him up … and not being able to do the same for me… not being able to give me anything new…the relationship seemed sooo one sided…. he was always asking me for more more more..and giving less less less……that and he just wasnt sexy anymore…

so this weekend…… i jumped…

and told bill gates to go to hell… screw you and your f-ing whacked out VISTA… if im gonna buy all new software anyway… SCREW YOU……im gonna do it with my sexy new boyfriend…

MAC…

xoxo

  • charm school: coordinating your shoes with your handbag…
  • porn school: coordinate your shoes with your knickers..

ok ok..freckles… we know you dont wear knickers… match em to your bra……..

trust me on this ladies …and for gods sake.. i dont have to tell you that i do NOT mean Flip Flops….

xoxo

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