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so i had a dream last night…

i found a dead baby bird… but everyone i went to about it kept calling it a fossil…I insisted that we should bury it and would anyone help me but they all replied it was a fossil and should be dug up…

This morning I couldn’t shake my dream.. and –we humans are an odd lot… we do indeed feel it’s completely ok to desecrate graves merely because they have been there for a long time… Time seems so relative and what we consider a “long” time is not more than a moment in the universe. Don’t you think if aliens came to earth a took a look about they would think us silly for burying the dead and then a bit later digging them up and displaying them … not just humans but all sorts of dead…its quite trendy to have fossils in your countertops these days.

but then….in my dream… the dog got everyone’s attention – i don’t know how- and we all walked to brunch… on a patio…

soo… basically

DC in a nutshell…

xoxo

…growing up in dc…

our next door neighbors were two elderly/retired catholic nuns….

on summer Saturdays my “chore list” included weeding the tree box… i always cleaned Miss Anna & Miss Marys tree box too and they always handed me a silver dollar for my trouble… on one particular hot afternoon in july, Miss Anna was sitting on the stoop while i was pulling trash from the tree box when Miss Mary propped her “radio box” in the open window …we all smiled at each other when the music started…

and then the three of us were dancing…on the sidewalk…my brother came from somewhere, at first he was laughing at us …but then he was bobbing too….with a broom…

its one of my fondest childhood memories…and it was the first time i heard chuck brown…

RIP and godspeed to the godfather of go-go…. get get get get on down….

xoxo

Chuck Brown…if you grew up in DC he was your Godfather…
” the godfather of go-go”

If anybody has an acquaintance with sucker bets its prob me… i can be shortsighted and have you met me???

instant gratification is my middle name…

so when the odds dont figure and the payoff is less than the put in…

well you’ve just described almost every relationship i have ever been in

… and sooo…  this morning as i was walking alice we passed a group of homeless men and

i noticed one fella…. on his IPHONE (shit you not)

animatedly talking to his bookie bout the “taking Miami”

he eye raped gave me and alice the ‘ole up/down gaze…

pulled his phone from his ear and asked

“baby.. can ya spare any cash money for your man today” ???

annnd yeah  i told him the first thing that popped into my head which was…

“ya shouldve taken the knicks…… cocksucker”

xoxo

first..your boyfriend doesn’t think i’m a bitch… you do… its not the same… but don’t worry… i TOLD him i’m a bitch… he took it as a challenge… your boyfriend is a little bit competitive and likes a bit of a challenge… and i’ve got that over you… cause he already KNOWS he can have you … and hes bored with your tory burch ballerina flats…and diaper bag of a purse… sorry love…  milquetoast isn’t sexy…and adding a bit of spice doesn’t make me a bitch..it makes me smart…

also…

…your boyfriend doesn’t like  drama… he doesn’t want to fight… he does like sex… he likes  angry sex and make up sex and morning sex and two am after the club sex and lets watch a movie in bed sex and before sunday brunch sex and during sunday brunch sex and i had a long day at work sex and gee your hair smells terrific sex and mmmm you look good in that dress take it off sex…

i’m not saying its just sex… but there is a lot to be said for keeping things…sexy…

via: mmrpg.net

because

i may be a spoiled…slightly ocd…passive aggressive bitch with daddy issues who drives too fast…cant park for shit…drinks too often…swears too much… carries around a ridiculously tiny dog (also a certified bitch)…eats carbs …stays out late on school nights…pouts…cant keep her fridge stocked with more than mixers… shameless flirt… in slutty shoes…but….

at my core…

i’m a really positive person….and

in a town full of spin doctors… trained to find and concentrate on the negative …that’s sexy…or at least your boyfriend thought it was ;-)…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

…N…

he works the food cart … on a well-traveled corner in what is now a “safe” neighborhood....near the courthouse

we go back a loong time….back to when my walk of shame from a spot on Pennsylvania Ave used to take me past his corner…back… before the neighborhood was good…back then he used to toss me a Diet Mt Dew and tell me i could do better than the d-bag i was “seeing”. (ok ok maybe he said “congressman” not d-bag but whateves samey same)… we’d talk bout his kids and how their college was going  … and how expensive tuition was…which was why he was out here at this time of morning…every morning…

sooo when i pulled up at the light tues morning…and lifted my arm to wave at him i was surprised to see him running after someone… at first i thought…oh must have forgotten their change…(yes i am ridiculous)

but that wasnt it…

it was two kids..they had each taken a bag of chips… and walked away … kinda “skipping” in that “im a bad ass im not scared.. i dont have to run” way…if you live in a city… you know the skip… i hate the skip…

N. caught up to them in front of my car… one kid shifted his weight and adopted his most menacing posture (also kind of ridiculous)  he threw the chips at N. …by then the other had turned round and was pushing N. it was two kids and one grizzled old man… make no mistake… i have no doubt that in a fair fight… N. would take these kids every time…he left Afghanistan in the 80’s …hes tougher than those kids know..

but things arent fair in this town…especially the fights…

i took a sec to concentrate on their faces.. in case i had to id them later… and i prayed that nobody had a gun…jeeezuz its a fucking bag of chips…not even Cheetos or Doritos…. then  i threw open the car door…stepped out into the street…

When i shouted… all three of them turned … the boys were kinda stunned…then an ugly smile slid across ones face he shrugged his shoulders turned his palms out …passing his bag of chips to N….  they turned their backs to us…and skipped off toward the courthouse…

N shook his head “YOU SHOULDNT GET OUT OF THE CAR ITS TOOO DANGEROUS!”  he shouted at me… louder and gruffer than he meant to…  the way a parent does when they are more scared than angry… i made the sign of the cross… and moved to get back in the car… the light was getting ready to change… he motioned for me to wait… he reached down and tossed me a dt mt dew… and started laughing at me…

“next time… you just shout for cops i think there mothers are the problem”

i laughed too… ok N … deal… i crossed my arms over my chest and then pointed at him… smiling…

hes prob right… i gotta think of something better to shout than:

HEY ASSHOLES….DONT MAKE ME GO GET YOUR MOMS….

xoxo

theres a storm brewing..

its hot and muggy but the sun has disappeared behind dark clouds… fat rain drops are splattering against the sidewalk…and a hot breeze is blowing ….

i like summer…

the hot

the storms

the way it causes the pavement to buckle…

everyones gone…leaving half dressed interns to run the city

the slips of dresses…

the shirtless boys…

the dark sunglasses…

the panting dogs…

the top off… with sweat dripping down your back

the sex of it…

i have a feeling that this storm isnt gonna cool anything down…

the heat index is hi the air quality is low…

we’re all thinking…

“do the right thing mookie… do the right thing…”

~spike lee

xoxo

…great…

of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…

i need to eat something….what time is it??

3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….

ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….

yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….

do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning

here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….

glamour is a rocky road….

perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….

Skin flicks… lipstick…  baby scribbles in the mirror…

i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…

and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…

damn these boots are hot  ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me

drama overdoses….

yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…

i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..

it feels kinda good…

no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..

i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..

chickie babys gone off the deep end

pain….plain ole predictable foot pain…  that im in CONTROL of….

is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…

and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…

no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….

god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….

i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf

change get back to the beginning…

i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..

i wanna get outta here…now…

change… go back to the beginning…

emotional honesty as  bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …

i want out of here….

thoughtless words are like shadows…

where the fuck is my overnight bag???

where is my phone???

hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???

ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.

god dammit im outta soda pop…

i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…

from a world where words… are like graven images

zip these fucking boots up…

yeah im feeling  a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….

bag? check.

lip gloss? check.

credit cards? check.

cell phone? check.

turn off the heat.. Check.

damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ’em and fuck him tooo…

we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….

ok im out…

—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..

no he didnt just call me sweetness….

fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….

” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”

it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…

@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”

FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc

“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me!  fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!

butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…

buses… roadies…  a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….

where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…

change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….

born into a life where pain is your very best friend…

fuck… missed the light…there  is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF  do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…

one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…

unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….

this town is toooo fucking small….

its the way of the wicked…

green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…

theres no time for love….

im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…

theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..

xoxo


****editors note****

i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss  a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..

xoxo





sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…

Now where to begin??????

maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:

“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and  quietly judging me”

or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…

“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”

seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money???  have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….

he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)

so theres that…

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace

(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)

i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….

i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….

i am verrrrry smoooooth….

xoxo

i dropped my fave MARNI platform stilettos off at the cobbler this morning for a little sole soul…

i feel like a mom who just left her baby at the first day of kindergarten…

i know they will be ok…but i have to keep telling myself that the cobbler is qualified, and that the funny looks were just because they obviously think anyone wearing THOSE shoes and driving THAT car is a stripper …and they feel sorry for me ’cause im getting a bit old to be stripping for a living…NOT because they were planning  to steal my shoes…

xoxo

dear pimply faced driver of the plymouth breeze….

sugar…there are a lot of reasons i wouldnt race you this morning on the toll road…if i started a list it would go a bit like this:

  1. youre a pimply faced kid
  2. its plymouth breeze
  3. youre a pimply faced kid
  4. its a plymouth breeze
  5. youre a pimply faced kid
  6. its a plymouth breeze…
  7. and oh yeah…because when we crested that hill and you were checking me out..I was looking ahead and saw the cruiser in his usual spot…

soooo …. when you floored it and raced past me…it wasnt you i was waving at… love…it was him… and he nodded… cause…and i hate to add insult to injury here…but baby boy youre not the first pimply faced boy i have offered to those boys in sacrifice… not even close…

so i hope you learned a little lesson this morning……

sugarbaby…you should never underestimate the instinct for self preservation….in a sex kitten…

xoxo

suagarbabies…

“you have to wait here…YOU are NOT family”…. thats what the tiny hood rat at the front desk said to me…smacking her gum..her hip thrown out to one side her hand thrown up in a “talk to it” gesture…..

i shit you not…thats what she said….

as they wheeled my best friend of all time away from me… fast…they were throwing tubing and bags and grabbing rolling equipment..and i watched til they turned the corner…

for a little while i felt like i was wasnt completely helpless as i gave the intake nurse his insurance info and medical history…..guess they dont care WHO gives them the billing info…

then i paced… malcolm in the middle was on the overhead tv… and the only magazine was a dog eared year old copy of AARP …..but i couldnt focus enough to see the print anyway…

then after about 45 min… i was mad..

real mad …. i seethed when lunch was delivered from a local chinese place and they waved the delivery guy back to the nurses station….. they munched on egg rolls…while i wondered if my best friend was alive? cold? scared? dead?…. ok..i understand they dont want me in the dr’s way….hell i dont WANT To be in the dr’s way if they are doing something …but… umm…NOBODY can tell me whats going on???

they gossiped…they commented on his tattoos…. whispered that they recognized him…took a few calls on their cell phones from their boyfriends…i mean technically they werent allowed to have their cell phones…so a work around had been devised… when the ringers went off in their “storage area” they would go get them and then walk to the edge of the carpet to talk about …whatever…

i kept playing it over in my head….you are not family…you are not family….

what the hell do these people know about family???? they dont know him they dont know me..they certainly dont know about our “family”….they dont know:

that his parents are assholes and kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay

that i moved in with him for several months a few years ago when he first got cancer…to take him back and forth to chemo and to care for him after the treatments left him a mess…

that he gets realllly scared at hospitals… i mean you really only have to go through cancer treatments once for hospitals to leave a bad taste in your mouth…three times… and well…. you’ll pretty much freak out when they try to put an iv in your arm too…

that when i needed it..he offered to let me live with him…rent free… for as long as i needed (seriously… isnt THAT family)

that we both leave our estates to each other in our wills…

that we have known each other since back when you could see a show at the bayou..the 9:30 club was downtown… the black cat was “that new place”…posuers was THE place to be…coke was cool… reallly…that long…

that if anything ever happened to me… thats who id want next to me at the hospital…waaaay before id want any of my “family”….

that we are “porn buddies“…

that we wear wedding bands on chains around our necks as symbols of our friendship and because if you are not married in this society ….everyone assumes you are missing something…we know better than that

i stood in the doorway to the nurses station….staring at them… clutching his shirt and wallet… i waited… and waited… i fought tears…

i twittered…

and then.. i did what i do best…

i got my way… the way i do best…

i spied a dr looking dude… and made eye contact… i gave him a half smile frowny face…

and yeah….he came over…

when he asked if i needed help…

i nodded and let a few of the tears roll down my cheeks… he put his arm around me …all i said was..

you have my best friend back there…and i just want to know if he is ok…..

he went and got me new tissues…. he checked on my friend… he escorted me past the hood rat… past the nurses station… past the trash can full of chinese take out boxes…

when i got to his room..we both broke down and cried…

the dr came to talk to me….explained that it was a good thing we got to the hospital soooo fast…(my friend chuckled from his bed about sex on wheels…MAYBE being worth alll the trouble she puts me through!) the dr. said that he could maybe go home tomorrow night…i told the dr i wasnt leaving…and she smiled.. and had the orderly move a more comfortable chair into the room….

sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…

but i swear … the whole thing…. made me agonizingly aware of the magnitude of not allowing gay partners to marry…i know that gay couples go through this kind of thing often… and … its awful… i cant really imagine it…two hours and i was near crazy…

step back folks…it isnt about having two dudes or two chicks on the top of a cake…. it isnt just about having a “wedding” …..it isnt about what “your god” preaches…..its about being legally defined as family….. not having to explain to a 17 year old receptionist who cant even tie her shoes..(she was born in the age of velcro) … what FAMILY is… cause reallly… its none of her business…

xoxo

ps.. these folks have taken up the fight…. i support them ..i hope you will too…

hi suagarbabies…

call me crazy…but… i like the heat…it feels hard and honest… yesterday…i dropped the top…and let the sun do its worst…i mean really…its not THAT hot if youre doing 85-ish and heading west…to the mountians… to the horse track… to play the ponies… to push your luck….HARD….

about 30 min out of the city….i stopped for a bevvie.. a quickie…iced coffe from starbucks… the hot felt good….(i know im crazy) so i sat down at one of the tables outside of starbucks to chillllax for a few min. and make a few phone calls…(its hard to talk on the phone when youre doing 85-ish with the top down and the music up) ….. soon a crowd of youngsters …they looked like high schoolers but turned out to be college kids….they were gathering around an older dude…that i recognized…but ignored… their tshirts, buttons, and fliers gave them away as politico wannabes and the old dude was reveling in their unabashed adoration… eventually the “campaign manager” turned up…to “organize the interns” ….. thats when he turned his attention to me…. i had known it was coming…so i was ready …i sat languidly sipping my coffee and crossed my legs… swinging a my six inch louboutins into the walkway…. and casually ran my fingers though my hair… tangles… an unavoidable top down consequence.... pushed my chanel sunglasses up off my eyes onto my head and smiled – as he presumptively sat down in other chair at “my” table….

sooo whats a pretty lil thing like you doing out in this heat?…. he asked

i smiled slightly and told him… im not the kind of girl that wilts….

he grinned, pulled his chair closer and…PATTED MY THIGH and said he like people who could “take the heat”….

im not joking…what style of OG old school game is that?????????

then he asked if i was …”into politics”

–seriously…. the dude was working sooo hard to try to get my vote impress me with his political office—–that i almost felt sorry for him….ummmm honey im not one of those doe eyed sorority girls that wants to please you….. nope… i know more than your name…i know your record..

i responded…. “well lover… a more accurate statement would be that …. politicians are into me”

he sat back… i think the word LOVER…scared him…he looked down at the table… and fingered the key to SOW…

him: i saw you drive up….

me: i know…

him: i guess im just gonna ask…will you meet me for dinner later tonight

me: im heading pretty far west tonight love…. maybe next time

him: can i call you

me: only if you talk dirty

him: laughing

me: trust me sugar…im more trouble than you want…

him: you might be right

me: im rarely wrong

him: did’nt i meet you at a party for <insert politician here> last year

me: well i do like to think that if we had met….you’d remember

him: i remember… you had glasses and really high heeled shoes… he nodded toward my louboutins…

me: like i said sugar….you are already in waaay over your head…but ill let you tell yourself your sweating cause of the heat…

him: id really like to take you out sometime…

me: i know…

him: will you call me?

me: probably not…i dont call boys …ever…. but one of my assistants might… you know.. if i had a parking ticket or something…

him: are you even gonna vote for me?

me: is that what the kids call it these days???

him: laughing…im not giving up on this

me: i know

then i picked up my key…and let him watch me walk to SOW…i might have turned up the jiggle a little more than normal… but whateves…im sweet slutty that way….

I pushed 90-ish getting to the racetrack…

thought my luck had run out…

til the 7th…

i walked outside into the heat..down past the track…round to the stables…down close… patted a few sweaty ponies… watched the grooms and jockeys pull saddles down and push bales of hay around… talked to an old friend … and there in the heat with the ponies and the smell of sweat and leather and sweet hay and steamy wet piles of peat….picking my way around the dirty dusty path… with the sun beating down …i cried…hot tears on hot sunburned cheeks …i guess i just didnt want to carry it anymore…and right there…

i put down some of the emotional baggage id been carrying round for the last few weeks…

and i picked the trifecta…

it had a 2 thousand dollar payoff…not bad for a two dollar bet…

im not sure…but…

i think i feel my mojo coming back…..

xoxo

Ridin’ the range once more
Totin’ my old .44
Where you sleep out every night
And the only law is right
Back in the saddle again

-gene autry

oh sugarbabies…weekends are for warriors…not sex kittens…….

Wed (hump day): invited to join fun friends for drinks…at 7…soooo i came home put on a pretty frock, powdered my nose, pulled the tangles out of my hair….. and fell fast asleep…. didnt wake up til 930 the next morning..on top of the covers still in my frock and false eyelashes…thats f-r-O-c-k..you kids have such dirty minds

damn…

Thurs (lil Firday): worked a wee bit… went in late…cause i slept til 930..but i didnt count it as sleep because i wasnt under the covers…it isnt restful..if you arent snuggled in…so i didnt actually get out of bed…til 1030… then spent the best part of the day at a power lunch drinking martinis…went home early… big lunches make me sleepy

…yawn….

weekends are for warriors...

Fri: standing on a street corner when a cute boy spotted me… he circled back .. and i convinced him to take me to the grocery store!…score! sooo with a weekends worth of cheddar cheese and Life cereal… the pressure was off to find any dates to feed me…so… i had drinks only… and was tucked into bed early…under the covers this time..not that passed out sprawled out on top… as is prone to happen on friday nights

Sat: early morning text message from boy: “lets drop the top and get fucked up” how could i say no to such a romantic offer…alas… the agent for the loveshack (emphasis on shack!)called ….what do you think..should i buy a teeny lil love shack on the river that needs “some tlc” about 15k in work???? i dont know either sooo i got up wery wery early… drove west for 45 min… and dipped my toes in the shallow part of the shenandoah …and then came back… grabbed the boy… and proceeded to order mimosas…only of course we asked the ‘tress to serve ’em in big ole pint glasses….so she wouldnt have to keeeep refilling us every two min..then.. . finished up with a girlfriend at my fave watering hole …. and i was again… tucked in before the “douching hour”ed note…”douching hour” starts around 10 am in my neighborhood during hockey playoff season….

Sun: i was in bed (under the covers) when i get a text from a friend…he is back in town… just getting into a cab @ airport… i texted back in my sleepy text voice… i havent had coffee yet…he showed up on my doorstep..made me breakfast…. kissed my cheek and left to go check into his hotel…seriously… ive got that one trained just about perfectly!! i didnt leave the house all day…kittens dont like rain…soo…i watched lifetime movie network while surfing the net… and discovered:

1) the pope wears prada: hes totally jacking my style with red leather prada shoes…but whateves..if a creepy ole german guy is gonna have a fetish..i suppose an italian shoe one is about as vanilla as they come…its also rumored he sports some serengeti and gucci shades… is benny a label whore?? speaking of whores…and when i say whores i mean hot chicks…

2) guess who is STARRING in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS??…. YEP..our girl jenna jameson…. the campy horror film stars our fave lil pornstar …or whats left of her…. personally….i think it looks fun… and the cute Roxy Saint should be worth it alone…as the goth stripper who WANTS to be a zombie..cause it will make her uber-gothy.. i think it has opened in limited release…so you folks in NYC check it out for me and give me reviews…it isnt here yet….and from the looks of it may not get wide theater release…

i know….kinda dull..but sugar please….. even sex kittens get sleepy…

xoxo

sugarbabies!!!!! OMG we have sooo much to catch up on!!!!…

let me seee…. where to start????

should i start with…. tracing a little droplet of sweat down the spine of a pretty brazilian stripper with my pinky…while she was on stage…. ah yes….that night ended with an extra hundred bucks tucked neatly in the bra of my ample bosomed girlfriend….a trip to the ER at GW….where the detectives gave me and my bitchin Bestsy Johnson Tiger Fur Coat and 5 inch platform stilettos one of those up and down looks…pulled out their little notebooks and pencils (little pencils..hehehe) …and started the “witness interview” with …”Soooo you work at <insert name of strip club>” to which i responded..”could we hurry this up….i wanna be gone when his wife shows up”…

OR….

should i skip to a party with the beautiful people of dc…. i know… i know…. we dont realllly have beautiful people…but nonetheless…. every LA Wannabe and LNS popped collar in town made their way to ….wait for it…SHAW… to a slightly shady…..you know i looove that about a place….. former garage….now…. a trendy LA-ish lounge….. The Space….

strippers, hipsters, and cops oh my!

OR…

maybe you wanna hear about …boys… the latest crop….

the good looking older man….who lives close by and cant believe he hasnt run into me before…he has potential… im pretty sure he was on a date when he slid me his card…. ummm suave…but he was soo cute i can prob forgive it….stay tuned…

the tooo young for me hot body…..that …. i teased all night…just cause… well…i was bored

the rockstar who wants to celebrate something…he’ll tell me when he sees me…. great…with my luck..he is pregnant…

the pretty boy from rio..who thought sofa meant sex…and got pouty when i handed him a blanket and a pillow… dude… SOFA…means SOFA….. i would never fault a boy for trying …but NO …still means NO… and when it comes to boys…pouting…..it just isnt sexy…. take it somewhere else…

OR

maybe…you have a fetish…. like mine….and you want to start with the new spring shoes! the Christian Louboutins that look like they will be my faves of the season…

strippers hipsters and cops oh my!

they have already turned a few heads on the street (i even caught a certain good looking older man sneak a subtle double take) —- really they are smoking…they even got the approval of the gay cowboys….who gave me special permission to two-step on their dance floor in them…even though they are not cowboy boots…. just trust me … it was a high honor…. now if only i could two-step…

OR

maybe the TWO separate hospitals not including the GW ER incident…. that housed friends the last two weeks for unrelated but serious medical crap…that necessitated the sending of hi end flowers with cards that read….

just so you know…the mandarin oriental is less expensive AND has better linens….xoxo

OR

maybe the time when a freaking amazon lesbian accused my friend of …get this….i couldnt make this up… Biting her Finger….. oh sweet jjjjeeeeebus…… when the cops showed up …it happened to be a 1D officer i know pretty well… and the amazon lesbian went to jail! OMG….. the fun never stops…..

OR

maybe you just want to hear that it is officially that time of year…and i am once again… running around this town topless…and i have a wee bit sunburn to prove it….

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

for reasons i wont go into here and now…(this bitch is discreet if nothing else)…. i recently had occasion to be shopping at both Tiffany and Co. AND Cartier… personally i think Tiffany’s is *bitched…but whatever… at BOTH lil shops folks commented on my enamel and brass elephant bracelet..

pictured here…

cat fight at cartier...

cute right?? yeah i like it too… i wear it kind of often..

sooo….. i wasnt surprised when the salesgirl from cartier mentioned that she liked it…

what did surprise me …

was when a “girl” i can only describe as

Kim Kardashian with more crazy….and a harsh jersey accent …spoke up….

“i dont do vintage” she said…

then nodding at my bracelet…

“i’ve seen a bracelet like that before” she kept going…

“really???” i feigned interest … (i can be polite to a fault) ….. she kept going…

“i saw it at <insert name of expensive jeweler that specializes in estate jewelery> ” … she kept going..

“and if you ask me <note: no one had> 4k is tooo much to spend for something some other person has been wearing… maybe if it was platinum….or had some bling…i dont get that whole vintage thing?? its like goodwill or sum thang”….

my response was quick and casual….

“huummmm well… i can see why you might feel that way…..but this was a gift from <insert name of famous rockstar here> when we were together a few years ago…. it was his grandmothers.. he wouldnt take it back when we..umm…stopped seeing each other…even his mom told me to keep it…so i still wear it on occasion”

her eyes widened…her jaw dropped… “OH…well that is different -that’s family”

i pointed out that it wasnt MY family…. she looked confused… then asked if she could look closer…i extended my wrist…and gently slid my cashmere sweater sleeve up…..** she fondled the largest elephant with reverence…

“you can really tell the quality by the weight” she said ….unable to hide her new admiration for the chunky bit of jewelry she had rudely dismissed…

she left…mumbling something about heading back to the estate jewelry place for a second look at that “vintage crap” …..

i smiled and turned back to the sales girl …. who …..wisely…. had been quiet through the exchange…

“wow…when did you date <rockstar>” ?? …. she asked politely….

in the 90’s…. i replied…. but …we only went out a few times…

“and he gave you his grandmothers bracelet”??? she asked incredulously….

ummm..no…. this old thing??? i got it for 30 bucks at JCrew….

we both giggled….she might even have doubled over and given me a little girly fist bump that im sure they frown on in Cartier sales training…

— so to jersey kim—

suck it bitch…nobody asked you!

xoxo
ed notes

* -bitched- is how my friends and i described has been trends…. its a bad translation of a bad (local to barranquia columbia) slang spanish word… dont ask…

**that one was for you uncle keith

oh sugarbabies….

it wasnt anything that 12 hours of sleep and a few mood leveling Grey Goose and Tonics… couldnt fix…. thanks for your well wishes… and….yes…everything is the color it should be now….

in an effort to lighten things up a bit…. well…

one of my fave bloggers…. decided that her life was more fun as a multiple choice quiz….. well i started thinking…and i decided that my life….is probably better as a comic… depending on well…..all kinds of crap…… maybe it will be a regular feature…

my life is better as a comic

special thanks to:

glenn barr whose images of Avengah and i forget the name of the other one and i cant find it online.. i stole..errr umm borrowed

HIN to whom i credit the phrase “eyelash jujitsu” or judo in this case…and whose birthday im ashamed to admit..i overlooked….i suck… i know….

blueseaglass…..who i cant believe found that hot pic of the bond girl on the Playboy cover from Nov 1965….which by the way….i scored a super good condition copy of off ebay for like 7 bucks shipping included!! and no kidding the cover is truly only HALF the fun….sooo…if youre in my bathroom… be sure to pick it up…the centerfold…..is freaking priceless

xoxo

sugarbabies…

y’all generally give me a week to organize my thoughts … but…umm…lately… a few of y’all are stomping your feet rather impatiently… soo… rather than ignore you… (which ive been known to do … and will prob do again)

you get a “sloppy quickie” which in my world translates into …. a tidy lil list…. until i feel like sitting down and …banging out… you know… one that leaves you breathless…

… sooooo lets see now….

THINGS I DID

  • stayed out til 4 am dancing and laughing with an old friend…. note: that is actually how long it took for my feet to start hurting in those wicked 5 inch heels..but i think by the end of that night i could have been in puma’s and my feet woulda hurt
  • watched the sun come up from the roof of a building that you need at least a “top secret” clearance to get into
  • watched the redskins lose but didnt really care…. cause i had a cold beer and good friends sooo…whatevs
  • went to a “basement bhangra” party – with dj rekha – accidentally… and was reallly glad i did…. it was awesome
  • almost ran over flirted with a group of about 6 FFX cops..in TC’s hood… while they stood in the middle of the street…hhhhmm.. i thought only dc cops did that shit…..
  • mistook a tween Hannah Montana fan for a cancer victim…(evidently they wear wigs too…who knew??)
  • exchanged broken porn player to Best Buy…third circle of hell…. i swear to god… i wanted to fire bomb those sons of bitches… (im on the third one now for anyone keeping score)
  • had a migrane headache for the better part of two days
  • discovered the best won-ton soup ive ever had ….. here
  • lost and then found (thank the sweet baby jeebus) the front tag on “sex on wheels“…im such a lucky bitch …well that…..and the guys in my parking garage looove me…

a quickie can be a good thing...

  • rode around for two days with the top down ….its january people…. so i decided to just sell the hard top for my car… im just waaay to optimistic to really ever put the HARD TOP on… you just never know…
  • sent a fist full of thank you notes out…

THINGS I NEED TO DO

  • shop for bat mitzvah gifts (suggestions from the chosen among you welcome) before sat
  • hair color appt… (it aint easy being this blond) tomorrow 1130 am
  • eat some vegetables… ive only eaten crap for two months now
  • laser hair removal appt for my legs..im soo done with shaving them EVERY morning …friday 9am
  • cancel two of my three gym memberships…i can get by on a single gym in 2008…
  • write a real post for this freaking blog…. about allll the stuff you babies have been patiently waiting for… the good stuff….. the bad stuff and esp…… the boy stuff…..

xoxo

sugarbabies..

ive been avoiding his calls the last few weeks… so last night he left me a long message…  he’d been drinking…so it was a drunk dial….. whatever…..

he says … he wishes he had never met me… that …im like heroin…. and he wants to quit…but cant…

he constantly wonders where i am and who im with…

i couldnt help but giggle… sugarpie…. you say that every time!! and you expect different results??? isnt that the definition of crazy????

DUDE… your starting to sound like a freaking stalker…. and just because you send obscenely expensive gifts doesnt make your stalker stuff…any sexier…

he tells me im a pretty bullet

im completely ambivalent….

thanks for the presents…now come on…..get over it already….jeez…. boys… can be soooo freaking dramatic at christmas…

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

my tolerance for douchbagy behavior is at an all time low… rrgh…it went something like this….
4pm… text message from realllly rich man boy i used to see kinda often…

Im in town can i buy you a drink…

  • douch move..if you haven’t seen me in mos. freaking call…i know rejection is easier in the form of a text…but grow some balls…call

i responded that i was tied up til late (not that way…*sigh*…i wish..)

he insisted…..would 8pm be late enough?…

  • douche move..take no for an answer

i reluctantly agreed…

About 6pm i thought about canceling…but…

before i could… i get another text saying hes at one of the new uber fancy bars in my neighborhood.. waiting…

rrrgh.. TWO HOURS EARLY….

  • third douche move in two hours…not good

i sucked it up and thought..ok… well hes close by… i can do it…

i sighed as i turned off … a really good episode of CSI…

and walked out into the cold…

things went ok for about 15 min… he asked how i had been.. and almost managed to look like he cared…

i explained that i :

  • had been realllly busy….ugh…
  • was reallly exhausted… and..
  • a good friends young daughter had been diagnosed with some realllly freaking scary asss medical shit….

through that conversation ..i stayed upbeat and positive…

BUT then… he said how he had been dealing with some real shit too..

oh no! i thought… thinking of his aging parents or some such thing…

…and im not making this up…

he starts going offff…about how he cant get the phone in his new Mercedes to work…

he works himself all up…slamming his phone on the bar…

  • psycho douche move

now granted it can be frustrating to pay 90k for a new car and then have shit not work…

but damn it…

that is NOT a real problem

that is an inconvenience… there is a difference…

and if you have sooo much money that your attorney suggests that you start a charitable fund..to defray your tax liability….you should to know it…..

  • douche move…I don’t want to sit in a bar and just nod my head at your silly rant… conversations go two ways…

quite frankly…the whole thing turned my stomach….

to the point that i told him…

umm ..look ..im gonna pass on the dinner offer….im really tired…

soooo then…. he invited me to a big party on sat night… in Miami

  • douche move…but..hey… who is counting???and i left out a few others…

Oh..wish i could… i said…but i already have plans…

that MADE HIM MAD…. no shit!!!

  • douche move ..uh..youre upset that I cant go to a party in ANOTHER state without more than three days notice?? Fuck You…if i even LIKED you at the moment..i might consider it..but um…i dont…

i also told him:

“look sugarpie…youve had a few more drinks than me…so im gonna chalk it up to that..but…im sorry to have to be the one to tell you… you have waay toooo good a life to be concentrating on a bunch of petty negative shit… none of your problems cant be fixed with money..and you have plenty of it…”

and i left…

WORST PART… i looked freaking stunning…

what a fucking waste….

after i ditched him i went to chipotle…

ordered a chicken bowl… i watched the girl put a sloppy spoonful of guac on the top…

at that moment..

i knew id made the right decision… walking away from him…

i deleted him from my cell phone…

paid for my chicken bowl…

and walked quite contentedly back out into the cold…

xoxo

 

 

UPDATE: i got a text this morning saying please dont contact him…. ummm..dude..i have NEVER contacted YOU…i dont call boys….. maybe YOU should stop contacting ME…ya think??..you f-ing psycho!!

hi sugarbabies…

well… i learned a little something about myself this week… well actually my assistant “A-cups” brought it to my attention…

she started with…“of all the places ive ever worked… you certainly have your own ideas about how to properly stock an office supply closet” she went on to say….something along the lines of… never before having to go to Neiman Marcus to “re-stock” the office supplies….

evidently (and how would i know???) not all supply closets feature the same items…personally… i think it just depends on your type of work…. but…since we have been moving our office ….we did a little inventory:

  • Three shades of Chanel Nail Polish (vamp, noir, and shanghai red)….
  • Emergency Aqua Ban…
  • Emergency stash of valium
  • Two pair of Lucky Brand Jeans
  • Two Johnson Motors Inc. T Shirts
  • Various bottles of assorted hotel shampoos/conditioners/lotions etc..
  • One black Kenneth Cole swim suit
  • STACKS of Paper Source Luxe Blush flat cards and envelopes
  • One bottle of eyelash adhesive (no eyelashes…must be time to re-order)
  • One bottle of Chanel No. 5
  • Several Strobe Lights (dont ask)
  • A stack of “why not Kinky in 2006″ bumper stickers
  • A few ladies “intimates” …boom chika wah wah
  • Two Sage and Citrus electric room scents..my office smells wicked good
  • One red table cloth
  • One spare case of Voss water… sparkling
  • One pair of pointy black stilettos
  • One pair of puma sneakers
  • One pair of strappy sandles
  • Five pages of Mendez vs. Westminster first class stamps
  • Stacks of cool cds including: steve earle, johnny cash, thievery corp, my life with the thrill kill kult, marilyn manson, beck, old 97’s and heather nova…
  • One vintage racing helmet
  • One Medium Black Overnight Bag
  • One small guitar amp
  • One case of Letter sized premium multi purpose paper
  • One box of yellow highlighters
  • One box of pens
  • One toner cartridge…. that we have NO IDEA what machine it might go in…
  • Two small sesow paintings

I explained to her that i only know what supplies it takes for ME to function..i have no idea what IBM considers a properly stocked supply closet…

What i am sure of….is..

that if we had what i can only imagine are more “traditional” supplies in our closet…

we wouldnt have to go to Office Depot almost every day….

BUT….

office depot isnt THAT bad… i dont mind going…

its worth it…. to be able to say…

“sure… i can be on that flight to the bahamas tonight”

some things that are more important than efficiency….

xoxo

hi sugarbabies…

have i mentioned my love hate relations ship with Cockcast, my theoretical cable supplier?? no??.. really??

it is almost 10:30 am…..i am waiting for the cable repair man “technician” they like to be called techs now……. for the second time in two weeks mind you… the window today was from 8 – 11 am…..no kidding….i dont see 8 am that often… its not sooo bad…… sooo i wake up …early ugh… run up the street for coffee…. and get a polite confirmation phone call from headquarters…note..if you miss the phone call your appt is voided… she told me the tech would call me when he was on his way….again if you miss the call… your appt is voided…. when i asked if they were sending me the hot one…that is in all those cinemax movies…she laughed… and said..umm… prob. not…

great… all this and i prob still wont be able to work that cable guy fantasy out of my system……..sooo..ive beeen completely paranoid all morning….about missing “The Call”…... sooo…

cant get in the shower..might miss the call….

took phone with me to the toilet….. dont want to miss the call

got completely irrational about the possibility that my phone could fall into the toilet.. and i would umm..you guessed it….miss the call..

all this and …i dont have cable… so my tv choices are limited to…. charmed….yeah the one with shannon dougherty, alyssa milano , and the chick nobody knows…. OR…

Walker Texas Ranger…..

i guess you know i HAD to go with Chuck Norris… i mean..it IS CHUCK NORRIS..

sooo now im watching Walker Texas Ranger..afraid to go to the bathroom…and out of coffee…

this is too pathetic….

i havent waited by the phone for a boy since…um… the eighties… ok ok..maybe last week…

xoxo

sugarbabies..its been oh i dunno a week..

and my ocd is pushing me to write a post with bullet points….what follows is a kind of… since we last spoke…. list

  • “he hearts me”….is out of the state.. i got a text message saying sorry i scared you.. huumm….wonder what gave it away?? evidently i didnt hide my terror as well as i thought…
  • snuck into a “technically” closed art gallery with a boy and made out…..a little….. in the dark…in front of some of the better pieces..
  • had a fella take me to a gay bar for dinner…he also recapped his brazilian wax experience….you read that right…HIS BRAZILIAN…. he might be just teeeny bit too metro sexual gay for me to actually date…and when i say date …i mean sleep with…
  • skipped a cocktail party full of douchbag lawyers…. to get cheap mexican food with a way cute lawyer.. only to have douchbag hockey fans get involved and show their nipples… to the poor family that was seated behind me…. the kids were asking…”Mommy why is that guy doing that???” to which mommy responded.. “Its because of that girl”…ohh great..blame the victim… whatever…note to self..no more encouraging drunk assholes….. speaking of ass
  • today i realized i am gonna have to give up NPR if they dont stop talking about asbergers disorder.. i realize that there are a lot of unfortunate disorders and diseases out there…and if a person is ALREADY saddled with that… why for the love of baby jeezuz…would you name said disorder some thing as wretched as .. asbergers…pronounced ..you guessed it…ASS- Burgers??? wouldnt this just add to their torment.. ..sooo for three days now….every time someone tells diane rehm or kojo nnambi “I have Ass Burgers”...or..“i was diagnosed late in life with ass burgers” i loose my train of thought…..and giggle….

basically sugarbabies…… between ass burgers and blogging..i havent worked in three days…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

soaking a heart in two bottles of prime argentinian red wine… doesnt make breaking it… any easier…

when he told me he had lied to me..

i just laughed..

“whatever…… you’re not the first guy to lie to me… as a matter of fact, i dont even think this would be the first time YOU have lied to me…. so just spit it out…”

Then i noticed he was really serious and i thought…oh shit… here we go…

“remember when i told you i really cared about you”…. he started …..

now i see where this is going..and its gonna be a train wreck.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it…. why the hell didnt ANYBODY ask me to do ANYTHING….on monday night so i wouldnt have gotten myself into this shit…..

damn.. damn..damn..

Im looking around…

jean claude had told him not to order a second bottle of a wine that good…..and i realize… too late… how right that had been.

jeeeezuz… now im desperately giving jean claude the “i need coffee and a cab signal”…

but he’s not gonna let me get away that easy…..and he keeps talking…..even though ive pretty much made it clear…. that…

i dont want to hear what he wants to say…

“look sugar pie… you’ve had too much of that stuff (nodding at the wine bottle) for me to take anything you say seriously”…

he keeps going ..insisting that the wine is just what he needed.. and that he had planned to play the evening all cool and aloof…but he’s leaving town in the morning and doesnt want to go without having this conversation…..

because… depending on how it goes..

he may not come back to DC…until he absolutely has to…

jeeezuz… men boys can be dramatic…

i try to change the subject and tell him i know of an emerging artist that would looove the opportunity to paint a mural on the side of one of his buildings…

he waves his hand… he can paint them all…(just clear it with the city..so they dont paint over it …and then send me a bill….) ok …so something good might come of the night…

jean claude brings the coffee…espresso…. a double shot…but i dont need it…..im perfectly sober now…

i push it across the table… if he is drinking he cant talk…right??

not so.. he downs it like a shot…

great.. two bottles of liquid courage followed by a double shot of i can do this allll night…. im an idiot…

The black caucus is in town… a young lobbyist works up his nerve and makes his way over from the bar…..relief sweeps in.. but.. ummm…nope…..

he sends the kid back to the bar… saying….we are in the middle of something serious…

damn… damn… damn…..

i give the youngster the “f-ing help me out here!!” face…

but typical dc douchy lobbyist….hes not gonna step in on a power player…..just to help a girl…

the kid disappeared…

now hes looking all serious again…… he says he only comes to dc these days to see me…

…. this is kinda shocking because… the fucker fella hasnt even called me in months… i just got an afternoon text message that said…

can you meet me at Ruths Chris 7pm??

it keeps going …and well..

they spill out.. he says he didnt want to do it like this ..but he is gonna anyway…

and out they come… those scary three words …. the ones that i cant say for sure which is scarier

saying them….

or hearing them???

allll i know is…..

i cant even type them…

and tuff as i am…

i dont want to watch anyone cough up the bloody mess commonly referred to as a heart…

and then have to choke it down again…

….they just dont make enough argentinian red to make that palatable….

its even harder if it someone you like..

someone you wish the best for..

someone you know you are NOT the right person for….

someone who wants you to spend the winter with him on his fancy yacht….anchored off a sunny beach….

but….truthfully….i was only there because the guy i had wanted to have dinner with….hadnt called…. isnt it always like that???

i did the only thing i could…

i kissed him on the cheek….

and walked away….

i probably would have run..but..umm….these shoes realllly are five freaking inches tall

maybe…..

if he had better taste in music…. he might have listened to some Tom Waits….

and might have known that girls like me…

really any girl in these shoes

is just an open invitation …

to the blues…

xoxo

oh sugarbabies…the official boys of summer wrap up.. in bullet points…

  • The Supreme Court still calls but.. whatever..i only answer if im realllly bored
  • The Artist and i managed to ignore each other most of the summer… except for one particularly HOT show… and except when he slid two hundred dollars in my pocket..he behaved himself.. ok ok.. except for sliding up behind me and grabbing my hair and kissing my neck…which was kind of an asshole move..cause he KNOWS what that does to me…damn..even thinking of it makes me kinda….uumm..yeah…ok next… and yeah he owed me the money…
  • Spent time in NYC instead of on the beaches..so maybe thats why it doesnt feel like summer should be over yet??
  • The Rockstar…. considering our schedules we saw each other waay more than i would have guessed this summer….including a “layover” at dulles…and a little time “in the studio” in Texas…
  • The Boyscout..is now dating a married lady…. but shares the details over dinners.. i am sex therapist to more than one person in this uptight lil town…
  • i had the CREEPIEST.DATE.EVER. when a dude tricked me into his car and held me hostage took me to Capital Grill all the way out in tysons… then got drunk..so i had to sit there till he coffeed up…ugghhh…. nevermind..that there is a cap grille about 6 blocks from my house..dude wanted to show off his new mercedes..whatever… why do guys think i care about what car they drive???
  • met the LNS crowd… it is waay worse than you have heard…..is this what they mean when they say homeland security is worried about the “threat from within”???…. somehow..id feel better IF i thought that was true…

soooo i spent the last weekend of summer in DC…and it was great.. .. hung out with friends…putzed around the house, drinks at wonderland…i do love this wacky town..even in the heat of the summer…. when she is kicking tourist ass with 85% humidity… during the summer she is a little bit quieter,  a little less crowded, and a little less up tight……

and i can tell you

my love for her will still be strong….

after the boys of summer have gone….

ummm..does that make me a lesbian???

xoxo

Hey Girl…

I know that you are new in town.. that you have just moved here from a podunky little town um.. Fairfax…. and that you are still trying to figure out how to be cool in the big city and all… so…i have cut you some slack up until now…

but … if you continue to bring attitude flash bitch at me when i say hello to you at the door or mailbox…

well..that may not be the best course of action for you … i mean be smart about this….

..i just mean … that it IS COOL to treat people well… and youd be well served to learn that lesson kinda quick.. in the big city… you need all the help you can get….i mean your blond..(not as blond as me obviously) but blond.. and women (especially blonds…and super especially… single in the city blonds) should support each other…

i dont have much patience for women that are too insecure to be friends friendly with other women… its just sooo umm.. looser...9th grade…

anyway… so…if you cant flash a smile or nod..maybe acknowledge me when i say good morning….. well…

maybe ill stop putting your mail by your door when Mr. H puts it in my box by mistake…

or maybe i’ll mention to Mr. H (you prob dont know his name…but he is our postman) that you are… you know ..not nice… i bet he would “forget” to deliver ANY of your mail…

he doesnt like you already –because youre new and it takes several years for him to like ANYONE-

and mind you, his delivery is only spotty when he DOES like you…

he naps in the alley most days..he doesnt care if you like it or not….he is gonna retire next year….sooo…..go ahead complain to his supervisor… he will only laugh at you…

if you cant lighten up:

i wont tell you where to put your trash so that you wont run into that nest of ratsstreet puppies” in the back alley….you know the ones by YOUR window… the ones that always seem to get into the unit YOU rented if ANYBODY leaves the back door ajar.. bet you dont realize that… YET

if you lock yourself out i wont be able to tell you where the spare key is hidden…

i wont ask Mo (the parking garage manager) to hook you up with a deal on the monthly fee…

i wont tell you which pizza place delivers to our building

or how to get into shows across the street for free..

i wont be able to tell the MAYOR … ( hes the homeless dude who kinda rules allll the homeless dudes in our hood) that you are cool… and if he doesnt think you are cool…. well… i dont think you’ll like the neighborhood nearly as much….

i know.. i know… you could figure allllll this stuff out on your own… but the way i see it..why should you have to reinvent the wheel.. im willing to bring you up to speed.. i suppose thats just the kinda girl i am…

i guess what im trying to say…is….well sugarpie…. the ball is in your court…..

and oh yeah…. one more thing…

that black dress thing you were wearing last night makes your ass look HUGE… really hon…girlfriend to girlfriend.. retire that shit…

xoxo

sb

When Mother Nature says F-You!…i simply respond…

“Bring it Bitch”….

its one of the few real advantages to living in my hood…

i never lose power…ive lived here for ages almost 7 years.. thats ages in dc

the power and the cable…never go out….

some chalk it up to Homeland Secuity…but seriously… they are such fuck ups that im pretty sure its not reeeeallly controlled by them…or it would be out all the time…

guess its one of the few perks to having the fbi, cia, interpol, and a few other neighbors that have a vested interest in not losing power… that or maybe because there is a substation right here..im not sure…. its something that in a flagging real estate market im sure i could use as a selling point… if need be… i can hear the agent now…

“this great place never loses power, or cable and has great water pressure… and oh the “girls next door” provide tons of free entertainment”

i used to live in Georgetown… the power was ALWAYS out… the crazy richees have home generators.. but the most of us…just shrugged our shoulders and cursed our failing infrastructure….

over here not so…..and um…no im not telling you where i live..i dont need your punk ass moving in and messing up my good hood….

so you see…. mother nature…. i aint scared…

ive got the AC on… and im curled up with the playboy channel and having pizza delivered…

im not coming out of my room condo till you relax bitch!

xoxo

UPDATE: A FEW HOURS LATER

Oops..i think i made her cry…

lately a lot of bloggers…ok ok..pretty much the entire nation..maybe even world..has been down on DC…

so while in NYC (having a freaking brilliant time.. mind you)..i was trying to remember the reasons ok ok..any reason at all….that out of alllll the places in the world..this is where i CHOOSE to live…. after a little thought i was a teeny bit surprised by the answer…

kinda simple really..what it boils down to is..basically …. DC is Dull

the creative process –for me-needs a ton of alone time…solitude… mental “me” time….
I can get a lot of work done because there isnt that much here to distract me from sitting down and doing it…

NYC, LA, San Fran, London…. there is soooo much going on… and its possible to find something REALLY cool to do every day AND night… so without moving out to the burbs… DC manages to be a Big City… that is pretty fucking boring…

In DC … most people are pretty passionate about their work…. they generally feel they are working for a good cause…..so…..they really only want to go out one maybe two nights a week..and even then we are usually home early….not so in NYC or LA where folks are really passionate about their lives.. and want to go out ALL day & ALL night…all that living is..well..its exhausting……

There is a marked difference in the way people live….here…..in dc…

and it just so happens to work well for me…

growing up here….

you lose interest in the political social climbers pretty quick… a bunch of wusses in pleated pants and bad hair…

soooo that scene bores me outta my mind….

then there is the non profit crowd... they are soooo busy with their causes that they rarely go out..and when they do they just end up preaching to anyone that will listen…i’ve never cared for evangelism..of any sort…

sooo that scene mostly sucks..

There is the international sin set… with some colorful exiles and diplomats ..but their agenda is to get somewhere else asap… they are only here to enhance their status back home….anyone cool…moves away pretty quick..

so that scene is inherently a bad bet

you get the idea….

Then on the other hand…. living in DC has a few perks…

  • it IS full of powerful people…. that has some advantages on occasion
  • it IS home to the best go go music in the world & Bens Chili Bowl
  • it IS only a 2.5 hour train ride to NYC..

soo …..i guess after thinking about it.. to live in dc you almost have to be delusional….about yourself, the world, or both… and THAT is what we Love AND Hate about our whacked out little town….and its colorful sometimes creepy cast of characters….and while
Washington DC isnt perfect…..its perfect for me…

xoxo

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