You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Things That Scare Me’ category.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

noblesse oblige…

Dear google+

thanks for threatening to suspend allll of my google services because you dont like my name…

if Gweneth Paltrow can name her daughter Apple (bet you wouldnt want that to catch on) and Jason Lee  can name his kid Pilot Inspektor … and i worked with a kid named An2mar (with the number 2 for fucks sake)… then who are you to say i cant be SuicideBlond? … my LinkedIn profile  is suicide blond, my Facebook page is suicide blond, my Twitter is @suicideblond my About.Me page is suicide_blond….my entire online presence is suicide_blond…. i have a credit card here from Chase Manhattan with the name suicide blond on it…my New Yorker magazine subscription comes to suicide_blond ….Klout sends perks to Suicide Blond pretty regularly (thanks kids!!) so maybe its not just my “online presence”….maybe the lines between IRL and Online are fuzzy…

but really…whats it to you and why is my name any of your business??? What name would satisfy you?  the name on my birth certificate or the name my mother calls me, or maybe the name on my diploma or perhaps my confirmation name according to the catholic church….none of those are the same….

all of them are perfectly legitimate…

oh and thanks (i guess) for mentioning that i could still use Gmail… suicide_blond has been around since before Gmail existed… she doesnt take well to bullies and she still uses Yahoo…

...fml ..ive just referred to myself in the 3rd person…

but all of that aside…

i deleted my google+ account ages ago… google+ sucks…you have bigger problems than what name i answer to…and trust me… suicide_blond is one of the nicer ones….

xoxo

i fear for the future… for a generation with no johnny cash, no alexander mcqueen and regrettably as of 10/08/11… no dennis ritchie godspeed… and stealth mode…

xoxo

* For Dennis Ritchie

she was a whirlwind of personality and determination…she’d grind out policy with the toughest of them …she was a spitfire…a tiny thing with blond hair and a WTF stare that could make grown men scurry around trying to figure out WTF?  she was southern.. of course…  she’d danced with presidents (the sexy ones) and visited friends in low places…she lived more passionately than anyone i know…she never married… she never had children …and she never wasted a moment regretting her decisions…she talked tough and she backed it up… she shot from the hip and never missed … she never mixed words…and you never wondered what she was thinking…cause she just told you … and…

she was my hero

and now

i wish i had gone over to visit her last week instead of just thinking about it…

i wish i had sent one more card…instead of  letting it sit on my desk…until it was too late…

i wish i had insisted…..instead of letting her convince me that she was too tired for any company…

i wish i had told her the visit was more for me than her…that i missed her… and i wanted to catch her up on so much stuff in my life …drag counsel from her …even though she always said the same thing…

do whats right …kiddo…just do the right thing…

and if you tried to tell her that you didnt know what the “right thing” was..

shed just say…”yes you do…now hand me your glass lets have another drink

god damn … i could use that drink right about now…

i love you sugar… godspeed…

xoxo

 

 

 

brunch starts late at the passenger… and its cocktail heavy…not silly mimosas… real hardcore cocktails…  sidecars…manhattans…concoctions with bits of dandelion, egg whites and orange peel… i should have known things would go south when they pulled a ladder out of the back so the bartender could reach the good stuff…and …in retrospect the biscuit buried in a bowl of gravy prob wasnt enough to soak up the shots of assorted spirits…which probably made the drama that wound its way back and forth between the sidewalk… the bar.. and the psychotronic film society screening  in the back …all the more…well… dramatic…and…

when i stepped on the sidewalk to bum a drag off some guys smoke…i was surprised that it was dark… but surprised in a good way… i like the dark…especially if its a hot dark… the secret service had broken up a fight on this bit of sidewalk the night before …  animated conversations were taking place in the nearby doorways tonight… it felt like summer…it happens like this when its hot… but thats another story… this story is about ME…going back inside…  a hand on my back…in a too dirty too dark dive bar loo…after too many muddled fruit cocktails… feeling something slip…hearing the metallic clink…  closing my eyes… realizing it… and thinking…its ok…to let it go…. and giving up a little bit of me… a little bit of mcqueen… thinking …

Lee probably would have liked this slightly hipster driven dive bar with surprisingly good food… great cocktails…and very little pretense… and… then…. just pushing the handle…pulling the metaphoric trigger…

he turned his inner demons outward for us… his struggle was familiar and that familiarity bred a certain comfort…yeah…thats the right word…comfort… i took comfort in his work… i still think of him every day….but i wont be sliding his ring on my finger anymore…im facing my own demons… and im doing it alone… because whether the harsh light of day or the darkest part of the night… that’s really the only way that you can face them…

god save mcqueen….

god save the district…

god save us all…

xoxo

sent with love from the road less traveled (aka. my iPhone)

Sent with love from the road less traveled- xoxo

sugarbabies…

i dont lean toward the dramatic…ok maybe i do…im  a leo…its in my genetic makeup…and… my relationship with fashion…well…its complicated…but its true that im not at allll trying to be dramatic when i say that…sometimes i can go almost two days without thinking

fucking hell…mcqueen …is gone….

mostly i think of him while im dressing… sliding on his bangle… ring… or shoe .. i reach for the iconic silk scarves less this time of year… partly because i want a warmer cashmere and partly because i treasure them more than ever and figure most of my meetings dont deserve him…

i miss him

and its a selfish miss….if there was anything that i needed to work on but was uninspired…id merely put it off and wait for fashion week to roll around… and just let him inspire me in some direction..(im a lazy bitch we have covered that before)…and every season… id be all …“oh im not gonna get my hopes up last season was soooo good surely this one will be a let down”.… but it never was…. there was a double amputee model on carved wooden legs for christs sake… there were paint spraying robots painting white cotton dresses as models sauntered down the runway…and the shoes… omg…every season the shoes….the amazing red cape that hes quoted as saying came from a  “sinister place“… the sequins that were more like scales…etc. etc. etc…::sigh::

i even turned to my asst  after his last show watching those crazy claw shoes and the undersea creature platforms and said …

“well he can die happy  now he’s never gonna top that”….

but i didnt mean it…

and it wasnt  true…. the stuff that he had ready for the next season was spectacular… and morbid… and genius…

and well…. its fashion week…and every time someone says something about it …. i just kinda shrug …

I am sure that there are new and talented designers out there….and i am sure i would find them inspiring …. i even like the stuff his house has been putting out since his passing- those kids  are working hard to be true to his vision (as if we could know it)… but ….

im not ready yet…

im still grieving l’enfant terrible

the king is dead…….. long live mcqueen

xoxo


the king is dead..long live mcqueen...

synchronicity (ˌsɪnkrəˈnɪsɪtɪ)
n
an apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated
 

sugarbabies..

i spent the weekend trying to stay warm… sipping tea by the fire with a shitload myriad of technological wonders… trying my best to…retrieve migrate sync & back up my digital existence …the whole thing was an orwellian nightmare of  brushed silver machines cameras and cogs cobbled together with firewires & usb2.0 cables and wrapped in a fuzzy web of rss feeds wifi and twitter streams… (wait…no.. someone once warned me NOT to cross the streams) where casually unrelated seemed to be the order of the day… kinda like life no? you think you have something figured out and blammo!..that wasnt even the question… sooo… thanks… thanks soo much to:

to the furnace repair man who left his grand daughters birthday party early… to the guys at the new Best Buy who were exceedingly patient with my shotgun/ADD/OCD approach to tech shopping (i dont know what i want or need but i need it to do xy & z… & oh yeah that one wont work cause it has to be wireless… i hate wires… and no that one wont work cause its not pretty… and how does apple tv work?)… to my twitter friends who all had moral support & offers of technical advise…and to a cowboy with a knack for all things router related … & to the NFL for those blowout games that would have otherwise preoccupied me… and last but not least to satellite radio for that wacked 80’s station…wow…

its a brave new world out there sugarbabies…

and all i’m really hoping for…is to get by with a little help from my friends…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

i used to try to use physics

more specifically string theory to

try to “explain” my relationships…

but he never even let me get the theory out…

he grabbed a pencil….and dropped his head…

when he was done he kissed me hard

and left….

he walked away…

hed chewed up my complex physics solution to love and life…

and

spit it back out as ….string theory… a song…

with guitar strings piano strings apron and heart strings…

and ….

a chorus of….

somethings…. some strings ….are not that complicated

….damn him…

xoxo

file under “why song writers are dangerous”

sugarbabies…

the first thing i noticed about him was the scar… it ran almost the length of his cheek… and it was new… i slid onto the bar stool next to him whispering in his ear …

” i think scars are sexy”

he turned his head and smiled…looked me in the eyes and answered…

“awwww cher… you make me wish more of mine were on the outside.”

i made a mental note… that a new orleans drawl…is even sexier than scars…

xoxo

…sugarbabies…

my date had a last min emergency as is wont to happen to dr’s (even doggie ones)… i must admit to pouting a bit.. mostly ’cause i had turned down another invite to join a pilgrimage out to VA to visit the holy grail that is … IHOP… 😦

i shook it off and headed to the gallery solo… world aids day…soo…yeah the crowd was fabulously loaded with pretty boys and the women who love them…. i was chatting away when suddenly a hand slipped round my waist… in a very “un-gay”  way… and a vodka tonic appeared in before my eyes… my eyes slid up… and up… and up…6’4″ to shiny eyes and bad boy hair

“I knew youd be here” he said as i accepted the glass…

“oh im predictable am i? ”

“THAT is not what i said”….he protested as he leaned down…

he kissed both cheeks and i introduced him to my friend…as “eye candy”… they chatted easily for just long enough to avoid being rude… one of the BEST things about gay friends..is that they can detect sexual chemistry from three blocks away….. and they are not wont to cockblock…he excused himself with an admiring up/down glance at the backside of eye candys brooks brothers suit… and an approving nod to me…

“its nice to see you” he said….obviously proud of the fact that he had predicted my whereabouts on this night…

he guided me round the gallery with his hand alternating between the back of my neck and  the small of my back… he chuckled when gay men continuously stopped us to comment on my Chanel spectators….

him: some things never change…you ALWAYS have the best shoes in the room ….

me : its been a long time

him: thats why im here

me: where have you been?

him: mostly new dehli but im moving back after the holidays

me: wanna get out of here?

him: i thought you might make me beg you

me: the night isnt over

he disappeared with the coat check tickets and as sooon as he was gone  friends descended from all directions… with lots of  omg’s and wtf?? and a few…”i wouldnt kick that tall drink of water outta bed”s…

i dont know…i dont know….i dont know what hes doing here… and i havent seen him in a verrry long time i replied with my hands in front of me slightly less than shoulder width apart… which is our “signal” for im not gonna need any of y’all fairies to walk me home 😉 and then he was back holding my coat so i could slip into it… we stepped out into the night…

me: where are you staying?

him: the willard

me: a suite?

him: the one you like

fucking christ i AM predictable i thought….

i told him there was someone new in my life… he said he wasnt surprised…

but he was… cause he laughed pretty hard when he found out the new someone was about three lbs of terrier…

he put his hand on the back of my neck… and guided me into a restaurant that we hadnt been to in a long time… the bartender recognized us instantly… and came round with hugs and how have you beens? slipping back into him and our old ways was proving very easy and nice… very nice…

he confirmed what i wanted… and ordered for me.. *sigh* why do sooo many men not know how to do this properly????

i couldnt eat… (crazzzzzy!!) my stomach was in knots… i sipped the vodka tonic… and pushed some food around the plate… he looked happy… and sad at the same time… and … i asked if he wanted to meet alice…

he gave the cabbie the address & directions to my place… from memory…

outside the house he didnt assume he was invited in…

i  offered to get alices leash and walk him to his hotel… i was feeling pretty darned proud of myself for not just bringing him inside ….pushing him into the sofa and making him beg…

we walked slowly and he said… he liked that about me… but i was willing to bet hard cash that wasnt the reason he was there…. the temps had dropped significantly and it was really cold by the time we got to the hotel… ever the gentleman he invited us in to “warm up” … thats when his blackberry started ringing… alice and i stepped into the lobby and found a good people watching  spot on a silk sofa… some little girls came over and asked to pet her… i smiled…picked alice up and let them take turns getting a good finger licking from the pup until there mom insisted they go… soon enough he came around the corner apologizing… i nodded … its ok…

i stood up next to him…

he looked me straight in the eyes and said… kinda bashfully…

im not sure what to do right now… where to take this…

and i looked right back at him and kissed him… and then kissed him again…and  maybe a third time and maybe  i bit his lip a tiny bit as i pulled away and said…

why dont we just leave it at that …

he hung his head a little smiled and nodded …saying…youre sooo great…

yeah i know…i replied rolling my eyes

truthfully…. one of the verrrrry first things  i noticed when i saw him was that the ring was gone…but i couldnt say if it was in his pocket or not…and we both avoided the question…which im guessing pretty much answers the question….

i scooped up alice …turned round on the heel of those pretty chanel shoes… crossed  the lobby of the willard and walked out….

xoxo

oh yeah…*guys take note* windows are like mirrors at night… he stood there and watched me walk away…i didnt turn around ….not even when i got to the revolving door…

…fuck me….or not as the case may be…

oh sugarbabies….

i startled out of a pretty deep  sleep…when i heard the knock on the door….i almost immediately realized i was in a hotel …which hotel and why came to me  slower ….i was half outta bed pulling the sheet around me when i realized it was Lenny Briscoe….and that id fallen asleep with the tv on… as evvvveryone will tell you…im apt to do…

i smiled at lenny….i miss you…rip

then i heard another noise that made me jump again… snoring…

damn…yep…hes there passed out on the sofa…. crap…

i looked under the sheets….i still had panties AND a tank top on… ok ok ok good… im not a TOTAL whore…

i fell back into to bed…. hearing to him breathing… was … comforting…

i looked at the clock…and pulled on my jeans… 6am.. central time…

i stepped kinda gingerly watching out for guitars and other assorted equip that was strewn EVERYWHERE….arrrgh…

i headed to the kitchen…pushed open the door… hugged maria… she hugged me back… we go back a loooong way….i pulled a stool up to the counter and she poured me a cup of coffee….

“you two have been spending a lot of time together”… she winked….

“no… no no… we havent sugar… we just seem to spend the bits of time we DO spend together here!”

she just  shrugged…and passed me a peach yogurt from the fridge…. i poured some coffee into a carafe, grabbed an unseemly number of splendas and headed back to my room…

he was in the bed…

i snuggled in next to him…

“friends… til the end” ???

when he said it there was a little bit of a question in his voice….

it usually comes out as a statement….

our statement…

our promise that no matter what… or who… or where… or how we’d alllways be there for each other… some folks youre just connected to like that…and you know that thick or thin…(and he happens to be in  a thin spot…at the moment) they are there…

i thought for a min….

before i kissed his forehead and told him…

“til the end sugar”….

but to myself….. i couldnt help but remember him trying to hide the track marks and thinking…

“the bitter end”

xoxo

sugarbabies….

you know what vexes me about the anti abortion movement???

they swell their numbers with children…they bus in thousands middle school and high schoolers… like it is a sort of macabre field trip…and use them to inflate their numbers…what are the kids supposed to do???…it is their chance to “come to Wash DC”…  to me …it is a bit like enlisting child soldiers…using brainwashed emotionally vulnerable children to fight your battles doesnt seem right… yeah ummmm its a complex issue busing in your babies seems ummmm…. not ok…

and on a side note…gathering under my window to shout orders to your child soldiers at 630 am…also not ok…for some reason….of alll the protests that go on here….they are the only ones that consistently get this bit wrong…

sooooo ummmm sugarbabies if you happened to notice a sleepy eyed scantily dressed sex kitten on the stoop this morning…pointing out to the leaders of this particular crowd…that if they moved two feet to the left they would be shouting in front of an empty lot and NOT my bedroom window……yeah….ummm maybe i should have put on a robe or a snuggie or something…but… umm whatever…. my way worked….i mean…you shoulda seen em…. i had their FULL attention…

maybe i should have shouted something more poignant….than “get off my lawn”

xoxo

sugarbabies…

i came home today…

eternal sunshine … aka miami… is a great cure for the winter blues…

i didnt buy a return ticket ’cause i wasnt sure how long i was gonna stay… how long it would take to start feeling like myself again… but… after a few days i realized i really just wanted to come home (home…. is such a raw word for me these days) and deal with stuff …not hide in plain sight on a fancy yacht…one of the good things about money… is that if you have enough of it you can pretty much afford to distract yourself from almost anything you dont want to deal with… one of the the bad things is…. it never reallllly works….soo…. i booked a flight home

i called abdul  sorry thats Ab-Cool…. i wanted to practice delegating… to give up some responsibility…any responsibility…and i havent used the car service in ages…its an easy enough thing to give up on cold dreary nights when your mind is elsewhere….he seemed genuinely happy to see me…. and what girl doesnt like getting greeted at the airport by a good looking man with a bear hug??? even if he is… the limo driver…

i dropped my bag by the door…one of my mad skillz…is that i can pretty much pack for an indefinite period of time in one bag… one med sized Tumi Ballistic overnight bag…i like to think the skill is mine… but… it might be the near perfect design of the bag… i wish Tumi would come out with a line for emotional baggage…

there were empty bottles of VOSS filling the sink… (in 2009 i would realllly like to get the housekeeper on some sort of regular schedule; and delegate more, and learn to open a bottle of champagne…)…the 2 dozen white roses hadnt drooped yet (amazing) … on the table theres a small pile of literary magazines, a large pile of junk mail, a few late christmas cards (better late than never…right?) a note taped to the bathroom mirror means ill probably need to get a restraining order…great…like i have time for that…a vintage fur coat is on the floor by the sofa… i have hardly worn it this year… but the slight sunburn and the cold…make me wanna climb into something extra cozy … the heat has been turned off for a few days…  the place is freezing…i slip the coat on… sometimes i reallly do feel granny with me when i wear it…

i think of the christmas eve midnight mass ….when i was a little kid … and i fell asleep in the pew snuggled up against her and that fur coat…  thats religion to me…

i look around… its dark and the lights dont  seem to help…

i turn on the game…tell me they didnt just throw it to bobby wade….christ…

i pour a vodka tonic… (a familiar act turned silly & glamorous by the addition of the fur)

and then

<insert the sounds of hell freezing over>

i called a boy…

its 2009 bitchezzzz…a new year …ANYTHING …..could happen…

xoxo

“im not a concept…im just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace piece of mind…” -clementine

…great…

of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…

i need to eat something….what time is it??

3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….

ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….

yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….

do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning

here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….

glamour is a rocky road….

perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….

Skin flicks… lipstick…  baby scribbles in the mirror…

i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…

and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…

damn these boots are hot  ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me

drama overdoses….

yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…

i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..

it feels kinda good…

no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..

i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..

chickie babys gone off the deep end

pain….plain ole predictable foot pain…  that im in CONTROL of….

is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…

and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…

no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….

god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….

i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf

change get back to the beginning…

i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..

i wanna get outta here…now…

change… go back to the beginning…

emotional honesty as  bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …

i want out of here….

thoughtless words are like shadows…

where the fuck is my overnight bag???

where is my phone???

hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???

ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.

god dammit im outta soda pop…

i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…

from a world where words… are like graven images

zip these fucking boots up…

yeah im feeling  a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….

bag? check.

lip gloss? check.

credit cards? check.

cell phone? check.

turn off the heat.. Check.

damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ’em and fuck him tooo…

we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….

ok im out…

—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..

no he didnt just call me sweetness….

fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….

” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”

it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…

@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”

FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc

“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me!  fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!

butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…

buses… roadies…  a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….

where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…

change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….

born into a life where pain is your very best friend…

fuck… missed the light…there  is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF  do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…

one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…

unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….

this town is toooo fucking small….

its the way of the wicked…

green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…

theres no time for love….

im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…

theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..

xoxo


****editors note****

i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss  a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..

xoxo





sugarbabies…

… i dreamed i roped the moon…

or i grabbed the rope… i saw this  rope attached to the moon…and noticed that the moon wasnt in the right place…hummm…

so i grabbed the rope…but then…once i had the moon…i didnt know what to do with it…

typical…  i know

and nobody would take the rope…i couldnt give the moon away… i was gonna have to figure it out myself

’cause oh yeah  ..the moon was hurtling  toward the earth…

and i was trying to keep the inevitable collision from being too hard…

with just a limp rope…  (some of the material i GIVE you guys is tooo easy)

i was desperately trying to negotiate some sort of best case scenario…

…a soft bounce…

looking for a soft bounce

ok ok…

…. it wasnt as good as the dream i had where i taught Moses how to make butter..where  im just churning away…and i kept telling him..dont worry the people are gonna love this shit i swear!!!

but…

it was still a pretty good dream…

sugarbabies…..be careful what you wish for ….

xoxo

sugarbabies..

take notes :

dont let any of the following facts stop the party:

  • its a weekday…and the sun is coming up….
  • that you both have to be at work in a few hours….(but babies…that poor thing he didnt quite make it into the office….bless his heart)
  • that you have a plane to catch (another one leaves every two hours)
  • that you have made out soo hard..that you have rubbed your nose raw….on his scruffy bits...(mmmmeoooowrrr…dont you just love boys sometimes…)
  • that you need to leave a note for the housekeeper that says “boom chika wah wah” which loosely translates to “please wash the sheets”

and oh yeah…having one boy bring you coffee at 6 am so that you can be awake enough to have another boy bring you coffee at 7am….is wrong on sooo many levels…but …its what happened this morning…

and silly me…i thought mondays were good…

xoxo

suagarbabies…

“you have to wait here…YOU are NOT family”…. thats what the tiny hood rat at the front desk said to me…smacking her gum..her hip thrown out to one side her hand thrown up in a “talk to it” gesture…..

i shit you not…thats what she said….

as they wheeled my best friend of all time away from me… fast…they were throwing tubing and bags and grabbing rolling equipment..and i watched til they turned the corner…

for a little while i felt like i was wasnt completely helpless as i gave the intake nurse his insurance info and medical history…..guess they dont care WHO gives them the billing info…

then i paced… malcolm in the middle was on the overhead tv… and the only magazine was a dog eared year old copy of AARP …..but i couldnt focus enough to see the print anyway…

then after about 45 min… i was mad..

real mad …. i seethed when lunch was delivered from a local chinese place and they waved the delivery guy back to the nurses station….. they munched on egg rolls…while i wondered if my best friend was alive? cold? scared? dead?…. ok..i understand they dont want me in the dr’s way….hell i dont WANT To be in the dr’s way if they are doing something …but… umm…NOBODY can tell me whats going on???

they gossiped…they commented on his tattoos…. whispered that they recognized him…took a few calls on their cell phones from their boyfriends…i mean technically they werent allowed to have their cell phones…so a work around had been devised… when the ringers went off in their “storage area” they would go get them and then walk to the edge of the carpet to talk about …whatever…

i kept playing it over in my head….you are not family…you are not family….

what the hell do these people know about family???? they dont know him they dont know me..they certainly dont know about our “family”….they dont know:

that his parents are assholes and kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay

that i moved in with him for several months a few years ago when he first got cancer…to take him back and forth to chemo and to care for him after the treatments left him a mess…

that he gets realllly scared at hospitals… i mean you really only have to go through cancer treatments once for hospitals to leave a bad taste in your mouth…three times… and well…. you’ll pretty much freak out when they try to put an iv in your arm too…

that when i needed it..he offered to let me live with him…rent free… for as long as i needed (seriously… isnt THAT family)

that we both leave our estates to each other in our wills…

that we have known each other since back when you could see a show at the bayou..the 9:30 club was downtown… the black cat was “that new place”…posuers was THE place to be…coke was cool… reallly…that long…

that if anything ever happened to me… thats who id want next to me at the hospital…waaaay before id want any of my “family”….

that we are “porn buddies“…

that we wear wedding bands on chains around our necks as symbols of our friendship and because if you are not married in this society ….everyone assumes you are missing something…we know better than that

i stood in the doorway to the nurses station….staring at them… clutching his shirt and wallet… i waited… and waited… i fought tears…

i twittered…

and then.. i did what i do best…

i got my way… the way i do best…

i spied a dr looking dude… and made eye contact… i gave him a half smile frowny face…

and yeah….he came over…

when he asked if i needed help…

i nodded and let a few of the tears roll down my cheeks… he put his arm around me …all i said was..

you have my best friend back there…and i just want to know if he is ok…..

he went and got me new tissues…. he checked on my friend… he escorted me past the hood rat… past the nurses station… past the trash can full of chinese take out boxes…

when i got to his room..we both broke down and cried…

the dr came to talk to me….explained that it was a good thing we got to the hospital soooo fast…(my friend chuckled from his bed about sex on wheels…MAYBE being worth alll the trouble she puts me through!) the dr. said that he could maybe go home tomorrow night…i told the dr i wasnt leaving…and she smiled.. and had the orderly move a more comfortable chair into the room….

sugarbabies… i realize…that the only thing harder than defining porn…might be defining FAMILY…

but i swear … the whole thing…. made me agonizingly aware of the magnitude of not allowing gay partners to marry…i know that gay couples go through this kind of thing often… and … its awful… i cant really imagine it…two hours and i was near crazy…

step back folks…it isnt about having two dudes or two chicks on the top of a cake…. it isnt just about having a “wedding” …..it isnt about what “your god” preaches…..its about being legally defined as family….. not having to explain to a 17 year old receptionist who cant even tie her shoes..(she was born in the age of velcro) … what FAMILY is… cause reallly… its none of her business…

xoxo

ps.. these folks have taken up the fight…. i support them ..i hope you will too…

hi sugarbabies….

the green i know best ….cash…. and evidently…. i spent sooo much of it this past weekend….that my banker called today to make sure that all the transactions were “authorized“….seriously….my banker is cute as a button…a sexy, older, clooney-esque button…ive had a crush on him since the 90’s…. maybe that is what moved me to try to “explain” things as we went through the list of charges…

SAFEWAY ….at first i denied this one…ummm no i dont think thats me…where was it?? ….then i remembered picking up three boxes of diet mt dew and hitting the wine aisle in the burbs…..oh yeah yeah that one is ok

GALLERY PLACE (atm withdrawal)… yeah.. some walking around money..

LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah…i was trying to get them to name a new cocktail after me..i dont know…some brazilian fruit that i cant remember… haha…ok ill tell him to make it expensive…like me

ASIA 9: ummmm yeah…. they’re new…have you ever had sparkling saki??? or lychee martini shots?? no? umm yeah they were great..umm yeah they are kind of expensive….but i think there was sushi too and maybe tiramisu …i know that does sound like a nasty combination… seemed like a good idea at the time…

LEE LOO LOUNGE: ummm yeah after the lesbian club we went back there….no they comped us VIP style at the lesbian party… yeah… well…next time you come over ill take you…i know i know ….but no…it wasnt that kind of lesbian party….no it was more like a jerry springer episode…ok ok…next time you can be the judge….but reallly sugar…you should trust me on some of this stuff…

DUNKIN DONUTS: yeah that was prob me… (sour cream ..they are my fave… coffee sweet with lots of milk….in case anyone is taking notes)

GORDON BIERSCH: umm….yeah hangover pizza, love…

VALENTINO: yeah.. well i needed something to wear… yeah i know how much that is… youre absolutely right…i could have made the freaking dress out of money for less…. i know love… but…trust me… the way that dress hugs a curve is… priceless…

The Only Green I'm Wearing is...

SUGAR DVD: ummm yeah thats ok too… a girl needs her PR0N….and … netflix is sooo *yawn* you know….vanilla…

FADO….umm yeah i know…frat boys but…its not LNS…and i had promised…. i couldnt get out of it…

IRISH CHANNEL… yeah that was me…i know i know….jeeezuz …youre not telling me anything i dont know…now youre my mom???

CLYDES: yeah ….well …. i was tired of irish people….. yes …. especially my family….

HAGEN DAZ …yeah… i didnt know they were open that late either!…girlfriend needed a dazzler…

TARGET…. yeah ..it just opened…it has this really cool “cart escalator” yeah it was already broken.. i cant wait til somebody leaves their kid in it… yeah well columbia heights is not MIT…

ITUNES…. yeah… the new erykah badu…. yeah it sounds like all her stuff…but…thats good cause i like her stuff… yeah..i accidentally bought it twice….what do you want from me???…i was dwinking…you can fix that?? sweet…thanks….

CVS: yeah… well.. pharmaceuticals love…

UNITED AIRLINES: yeah… thats mine…. yeah im stilllll on the road too much…im getting toooo old for it… no seriously..i am….whatever….

SAN JOSE HOTEL: yep… i know.. right??…boutique place that gets it … umm no im not gonna be in town for the NCAA tournament… yeah well dont tell …. course you can stay there…make yourself at home…but… i should warn you…. i think im out of toilet paper…you might want to go prepared…

you know its a good thing you arent a stalker…or psycho…you sure have a lot of information bout me there…really?? what does it say???…. no shit… cool….soo i could basically spend a few grand in vegas …and that wouldnt trigger anything??? thats funny…i hardly even go to vegas … soooo what DID trigger the system to red flag my account?? i mean …none of these charges seem out of the ordinary….

no problem take your time…

oh… YOU ARE $HITTING ME…. but… people do THAT alll the time… really?… youre kidding… sooooo youre saying i havent spent more than twenty five dollars in a grocery store on my debit card since 2003???– whats that like 4 or 5 years???? fuuuuuuck me…….

xoxo

ahhh sugarbabies….

its been ages since a porn post….. i suppose i just like to make y’all beg for em… so….well… by now…. youre all pretty familiar with my porn player troubles….if not… click here and then here ….sooooo

i convinced a boy… to attempt to return the porn player that “swallows” … to the 8th circle of hell….i mean..umm….. Best Buy…

once we get there…..he takes the porn player over to the geek squad desk… right at the front of the store…while i go to look for a replacement…

of course… he tells the geek squad a movie is stuck in the built in dvd player…

the geeks push some buttons..scratch their heads and push some more buttons….. right about the time i get to the tubo tax display… almost to the desk… one gifted geek pushes the right sequence of buttons…

and WHAM….

the “movie” starts playing….

of course when i say movie i mean hardcore fetish porn…this is not cheerleader porn….umm….no….its good old fashioned latex… whips and chains hardcore fetish stuff…* sigh* fun i know… i know!!!….

and it is playing…. at the front desk of the Geek Squad Station @ Best Buy…. yeah…

  • the geek who pushed the button…. his jaw kinda hit the counter
  • the “manager” of the counter ..well…. i thought she had a cardiac incident might easily have require full blown (he he he) medical attention
  • the gay dude in line..winked at me…while waving his hand over his heart…
  • the dude… i had convinced to return the tv with me……turned on his heels….. locked eyes with me and shouted……loudly…. …“suicide_blond…. you bitch … you’re the one who stole my dvd!!!

you know what can be more fun than watching freak porn????

watching white nerdy folks freak the fuck out….when porn starts playing in thier Best Buy lobby…..

OMG…. you just can not pay for entertainment like that….

xoxo

sugarbabies..

ive been avoiding his calls the last few weeks… so last night he left me a long message…  he’d been drinking…so it was a drunk dial….. whatever…..

he says … he wishes he had never met me… that …im like heroin…. and he wants to quit…but cant…

he constantly wonders where i am and who im with…

i couldnt help but giggle… sugarpie…. you say that every time!! and you expect different results??? isnt that the definition of crazy????

DUDE… your starting to sound like a freaking stalker…. and just because you send obscenely expensive gifts doesnt make your stalker stuff…any sexier…

he tells me im a pretty bullet

im completely ambivalent….

thanks for the presents…now come on…..get over it already….jeez…. boys… can be soooo freaking dramatic at christmas…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

soaking a heart in two bottles of prime argentinian red wine… doesnt make breaking it… any easier…

when he told me he had lied to me..

i just laughed..

“whatever…… you’re not the first guy to lie to me… as a matter of fact, i dont even think this would be the first time YOU have lied to me…. so just spit it out…”

Then i noticed he was really serious and i thought…oh shit… here we go…

“remember when i told you i really cared about you”…. he started …..

now i see where this is going..and its gonna be a train wreck.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it…. why the hell didnt ANYBODY ask me to do ANYTHING….on monday night so i wouldnt have gotten myself into this shit…..

damn.. damn..damn..

Im looking around…

jean claude had told him not to order a second bottle of a wine that good…..and i realize… too late… how right that had been.

jeeeezuz… now im desperately giving jean claude the “i need coffee and a cab signal”…

but he’s not gonna let me get away that easy…..and he keeps talking…..even though ive pretty much made it clear…. that…

i dont want to hear what he wants to say…

“look sugar pie… you’ve had too much of that stuff (nodding at the wine bottle) for me to take anything you say seriously”…

he keeps going ..insisting that the wine is just what he needed.. and that he had planned to play the evening all cool and aloof…but he’s leaving town in the morning and doesnt want to go without having this conversation…..

because… depending on how it goes..

he may not come back to DC…until he absolutely has to…

jeeezuz… men boys can be dramatic…

i try to change the subject and tell him i know of an emerging artist that would looove the opportunity to paint a mural on the side of one of his buildings…

he waves his hand… he can paint them all…(just clear it with the city..so they dont paint over it …and then send me a bill….) ok …so something good might come of the night…

jean claude brings the coffee…espresso…. a double shot…but i dont need it…..im perfectly sober now…

i push it across the table… if he is drinking he cant talk…right??

not so.. he downs it like a shot…

great.. two bottles of liquid courage followed by a double shot of i can do this allll night…. im an idiot…

The black caucus is in town… a young lobbyist works up his nerve and makes his way over from the bar…..relief sweeps in.. but.. ummm…nope…..

he sends the kid back to the bar… saying….we are in the middle of something serious…

damn… damn… damn…..

i give the youngster the “f-ing help me out here!!” face…

but typical dc douchy lobbyist….hes not gonna step in on a power player…..just to help a girl…

the kid disappeared…

now hes looking all serious again…… he says he only comes to dc these days to see me…

…. this is kinda shocking because… the fucker fella hasnt even called me in months… i just got an afternoon text message that said…

can you meet me at Ruths Chris 7pm??

it keeps going …and well..

they spill out.. he says he didnt want to do it like this ..but he is gonna anyway…

and out they come… those scary three words …. the ones that i cant say for sure which is scarier

saying them….

or hearing them???

allll i know is…..

i cant even type them…

and tuff as i am…

i dont want to watch anyone cough up the bloody mess commonly referred to as a heart…

and then have to choke it down again…

….they just dont make enough argentinian red to make that palatable….

its even harder if it someone you like..

someone you wish the best for..

someone you know you are NOT the right person for….

someone who wants you to spend the winter with him on his fancy yacht….anchored off a sunny beach….

but….truthfully….i was only there because the guy i had wanted to have dinner with….hadnt called…. isnt it always like that???

i did the only thing i could…

i kissed him on the cheek….

and walked away….

i probably would have run..but..umm….these shoes realllly are five freaking inches tall

maybe…..

if he had better taste in music…. he might have listened to some Tom Waits….

and might have known that girls like me…

really any girl in these shoes

is just an open invitation …

to the blues…

xoxo

Cache

Twitter…try to keep up…ok??