Candy  was 19 and had two babies  perpetually  balanced on her hips  & was constantly pushing a vacuum cleaner round her tidy lil house… she had a trick for every kind of stain…her favorite saying seemed to be “oh a lil ____ will take that right out! fix it up good as new!!” .  I  was her “mothers helper” that summer… keeping the babies occupied while she rubbed spaghetti-o’s stains out of the table cloth with a lil dab of dawn dish soap.

she was the first person who didn’t treat me like a kid… we had grown up  conversations… mostly about General Hospital…

three times a week Candy would wait on the porch for her mother in law Carlene to pick her and the kids up and take ’em all to church… mostly i knew Carlene from when i would ride with Candy to pick her up cause “daddy had been  a drinkin’ “

Candys husband Ray never went to church with her… neither did his daddy…who everyone just called Daddy…but Candy really liked going … she would make jello salad to take with her to almost every service… she taught me how to submerge it in hot water and  jiggle it out of the mold….

one Sunday my mamma agreed to let me tag along … i sat quietly (like i had been taught) and watched the service from my aisle seat… then i saw what i  thought was a woman, having a seizure… looking round i noticed that everyone had started swaying, stomping and  a few started talking (read: yelling) in “tongues” …i didn’t know what that meant  i just knew i didn’t understand them….or any of this…

and then they brought out the snakes…

i was terrified  … i cowered in my seat…but Candy put her arm round me… told me i didn’t have to worry… she pointed at the markings on the snakes and told me…”red on yellow, kills a fellow/ red on black, friend of jack” and she winked at me… i relaxed and tried to be a little more energetic in my hymn singing …just to blend in…

when i got home mamma asked how it was… i just said …‘oh it was fine“… i never told her about the service or the snakes…

the next night ……i woke up to the sound of my mamma downstairs…crying…& talking to 2 police officers

i never asked for the “whole” story…i was a kid nobody would have told me anyway…. but i pieced it together from the top of the stairs that night…

“well ma’am it looks like it started in the bed room”… “domestic case”  …  “do you know how many guns were in the house?”  “she crawled to the front porch before she died”… “can we bring the kids over here??”

The policemen brought the babies over to our house and a few hours later social workers came & took the babies right out of our arms… mamma begged them to let the babies stay with us…in a place they knew …with people they knew…together….

but they said no…

the next day…my friend Laurie  and i snuck over to the house… i pulled the spare key from a knot in a tree halfway up the driveway …like i had done a million times that summer… we lifted the yellow tape, let ourselves into the basement… and crept up the stairs… at the top of the stairs Laurie screamed and ran back outside … the brown stuff soaked into the carpet didnt look like blood but i was old enough now to know that it was….my first thought was…”this is gonna leave a real bad stain”…  i turned on my heel & ran back outside … i wrapped the spare key in a paper towel and put it in the  trash can..

i never went in that house again…and i never saw the babies again…

They caught Ray and he went to prison… some years later i heard he died there…  i was glad to know it…

every so often… i try to find the babies…but even in the age of the internet there are a lot of folks named Smith.

i would like to tell them about their mamma …maybe make them some jello salad…and show em how she taught me how to jiggle it out of the mold … tell  them how she taught me which snakes to be afraid of…

xoxo

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eventually everyone expects you to grow up…

little girls turn into young ladies who grow into women and then older women… and along the way there are rules to govern everything… from the pitch of your voice, to the length of your skirt and hair… and along the way the rules change…   You’d be hard pressed to find a ladies magazine or “what not to wear” episode that recommended bleached blond crimped extensions or dreadlocks and a gold lame’ prom dress with a leather western belt for a 70 yr old woman..

and yet…

Betsy pulls it off with aplomb…she makes 70 look fun…

maybe the lesson here is that being true to yourself is attractive at any age…

it doesnt mean we dont have to grow up…we do… but we dont have to give up… anything…
other women who are breaking all the rules and having fun doing it can be spotted over at Ari’s
blog Advanced Style 
xoxo

Image

hat tip to the redneck romance writer… 🙂

i went on a holiday but
i think lux and ivy said it best..

“i been a drag racer on LSD,

and i rode bare-assed on top of the shpinx,

i even had a gorilla on the slopes of kismet,

and man, that was fun for a while you bet but…

[chorus:] bikini girls with machine guns, bikini girls with machine guns, that stuff will kill ya, it’s loaded with fun, bikini girls with machine guns

well i savored many foriegn kinds of delicacies,

intoxicated til i can’t tell what the hell i could see,

had all the violence and liquor within close reach,

but all bars, pills and threeways lead me back to the beach and…

now they say that virtue is it’s own reward,

but when that surf comes in i’m gunna get my board,

got my own ideas about the righteous kick, you can keep the rewards, i’d just as soon stay sick”…

 

RIP lux…


 

midnight noodles at Toki Undreground

a last min brunch reservation for 8

brunches that include tequila shots & may or may not evolve into a dance party

burgers on the grill…

driving in at 10 am…on an 85 degree morning with the top dropped

Augusts redeeming No congress / No Traffic rule

Prince belting 1999 on the radio

the tail end of shark week

the combo of all of the above… or quite

possibly im just heading into a manic phase…

still…

i love summer in this city…

#dc4life

xoxo

 

 

was believing him when he said his name was hero…

xoxo

man.the.fuck.up

available via Snarky Cards on Etsy…

so…

 i was in the parking garage of the Superfly Safeway (in DC alll the safeways have nicknames) and there were three beautiful samoan women in red silk moo moos flowing around them like supermans cape..with crowns of flowers in their hair… and… yeah … i know exactly what youre thinking… “what the hell were you doing at a grocery store??” 

xoxo

pro tip: drinking too much and walking home at 3:30 am through some shady urban landscapes is prob not a good idea..not even if you have an attack dog…esp if your attack dog is only 4lbs of terrier

Also you should try to remember your attack dogs leash… so you don’t have to carry he/she all the way home…

also .. it is disconcerting to me how many folks are jogging on the national mall at 3:30 am

xoxo

 

 

 

its an unseasonably cool day with a slow steady rain…

and i just walked home from a bit of pampering …

my hair is still damp

Fiona Apples new music is playing softly in the front of the house..

british crime drama is on the “telly” in the rear…

there is a half decent cup of tea that i sat down somewhere round here…

the laundry is turning …

a healthy puppy is sleeping on the sofa… well half sleeping and sorta watching me out of one eye...

a bowl of tomato soup with roasted basil just needs a spoon…

and there’s a bit of work waiting for my attention on the laptop…

this moment…this very moment….its a good one…

xoxo

…growing up in dc…

our next door neighbors were two elderly/retired catholic nuns….

on summer Saturdays my “chore list” included weeding the tree box… i always cleaned Miss Anna & Miss Marys tree box too and they always handed me a silver dollar for my trouble… on one particular hot afternoon in july, Miss Anna was sitting on the stoop while i was pulling trash from the tree box when Miss Mary propped her “radio box” in the open window …we all smiled at each other when the music started…

and then the three of us were dancing…on the sidewalk…my brother came from somewhere, at first he was laughing at us …but then he was bobbing too….with a broom…

its one of my fondest childhood memories…and it was the first time i heard chuck brown…

RIP and godspeed to the godfather of go-go…. get get get get on down….

xoxo

Chuck Brown…if you grew up in DC he was your Godfather…
” the godfather of go-go”

If anybody has an acquaintance with sucker bets its prob me… i can be shortsighted and have you met me???

instant gratification is my middle name…

so when the odds dont figure and the payoff is less than the put in…

well you’ve just described almost every relationship i have ever been in

… and sooo…  this morning as i was walking alice we passed a group of homeless men and

i noticed one fella…. on his IPHONE (shit you not)

animatedly talking to his bookie bout the “taking Miami”

he eye raped gave me and alice the ‘ole up/down gaze…

pulled his phone from his ear and asked

“baby.. can ya spare any cash money for your man today” ???

annnd yeah  i told him the first thing that popped into my head which was…

“ya shouldve taken the knicks…… cocksucker”

xoxo

“and if i could find your heart…id pull it from your chest…smash it with my fist…til it was beating…

…and if theres a hole inside…heaven in your bed…cause the angel you kissed… just left you bleeding”  ~pink mountaintops

“Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we’ll never die? Who teaches us what’s real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we’ll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”  ~sweet pea

I like this movie more every time i watch it…mostly cause the false eyelashes are epic…

also….am i the only one who JUST realized that selena gomez & vanessa hudgens are not the same person ??

xoxo

what i wore.. working a saki/beer garden edition

…insomnia is a bigger bitch than me…

and she works a number on your skin your hair your overall disposition…and … i have had a hard go of it lately ….all round… from all sides work/home/friends/lovers….just really fu(like every  cliché you ever heard) to music….and while nobody sings the blues like muddy and everybody knows i love me some johnny cash…sad twangy county music isn’t always the road i choose…sometimes i like it a little darker…sometimes i wanna hear about lovers and ledges and about knowing what i ought to do but doing wrong anyway.. … and when that’s the case i dig out the cd this lil goth band from way back … Tapping the Vein…whose album The Damage has been spot on for me a few times over the years…this past week it has been blaring from my car stereo…. these are the two getting the heaviest rotation right now…

related: pretty sure  some folks in my garage hate me right now…


i used to be a muse…professionally… sometimes i still am… it doesnt pay what it used to … so when he asked me this time… i said

“make me an offer i cant refuse”…

“the water is salty and so are the margaritas” …

here we go again…..obvi

xoxo

cardigan sweater

She looks into a security camera
she’d flash the motherfuckers but she’s late for the club
One’a the drag queens has been practicing her routine all week
‘Only reason she’s goin
is because that bitch has the fuckin cardigan sweater
and when that bitch steps off stage
she’s gonna rescue the cardigan sweater from that bitch
because some other bitch will freak out if that bitch fucks up
the fuckin cardigan sweater
Why the fuck that bitch left her fuckin cardigan sweater at her house
is unknowable
The bitch knows she hangs out with drag queens;
it isn’t her fault she’s got a bunch of 45s from the 50s
— what the fuck did she expect?
She stops smiling into a security camera
and waves
“Hi cutie” she mouths
“Hey she’s wavin’ at you man”
I step into the scene:
Let’s get outa here she says
Next day I dress her up in stiletto heels and that cardigan sweater
and chase her around her house with a wooden spoon
for the afternoon
Her wrists are crossed and tied to the bed-post now
“You look pretty fuckin good in a cardigan sweater,” I say
She looks through me
“Do me”

~poet to be named later

Dear google+

thanks for threatening to suspend allll of my google services because you dont like my name…

if Gweneth Paltrow can name her daughter Apple (bet you wouldnt want that to catch on) and Jason Lee  can name his kid Pilot Inspektor … and i worked with a kid named An2mar (with the number 2 for fucks sake)… then who are you to say i cant be SuicideBlond? … my LinkedIn profile  is suicide blond, my Facebook page is suicide blond, my Twitter is @suicideblond my About.Me page is suicide_blond….my entire online presence is suicide_blond…. i have a credit card here from Chase Manhattan with the name suicide blond on it…my New Yorker magazine subscription comes to suicide_blond ….Klout sends perks to Suicide Blond pretty regularly (thanks kids!!) so maybe its not just my “online presence”….maybe the lines between IRL and Online are fuzzy…

but really…whats it to you and why is my name any of your business??? What name would satisfy you?  the name on my birth certificate or the name my mother calls me, or maybe the name on my diploma or perhaps my confirmation name according to the catholic church….none of those are the same….

all of them are perfectly legitimate…

oh and thanks (i guess) for mentioning that i could still use Gmail… suicide_blond has been around since before Gmail existed… she doesnt take well to bullies and she still uses Yahoo…

...fml ..ive just referred to myself in the 3rd person…

but all of that aside…

i deleted my google+ account ages ago… google+ sucks…you have bigger problems than what name i answer to…and trust me… suicide_blond is one of the nicer ones….

xoxo

Sent with love from the road less traveled- (aka my iPhone) xoxo

yes…when a sex kitten goes to the theater… shes there for TWO Gentlemen…and well… this sex kitten did not leave unsatisfied….

its a purrrfectly delightful way to spend an evening…with Valentine no less

xoxo

via: theBerry.com

THINGS that DO NOT really bother me about life in DC:

 traffic…motorcades… parades… protests… heads of state closing my fave eaterys…

needing a pepco bill (’cause those are impossible to fake??WTF?) to gain entrance to my block during the WMF meetings…

high taxes, nonexistent services {read: pot holes, rats, shitty cable/internet}

sharing my commute with thousands of tourists and their sullen teens which are better than their double strollers on the metro…

interns that are more arrogant than the politicians they work for…

preppy lily pulitzer wearing girls in the summer (ok ok they kind of bother me)

North African diplomats who wont shake my hand cause i have a vagina…whateves he prob doesnt wash his hands after handling his junk anyway

 

THINGS that DO bother me about life in DC:

pro life rallys full of bused in tweens…

how bout you protest with grownups… stay out of my uterus…. and off my front porch…..

 

xoxo

 

sooo you want to know what i look like... naked...

SOPA

power

last night i scored two coveted third row aisle orchestra seats to the Shakespeare Theatre Companys production of Much Ado About Nothing..

for an extremely long time  i’ve had an annual  subscription to the Shakespeare Theatre Company last year i let it lapse sooo …i hadnt bought a ticket at the physical brick and mortar box office… in a reallllllly long time now that i think of it…EVER….little did i know i was doing it wrong…last night i walked up to the window 30 min before curtain time… i smiled broadly at the girl & asked if they could squeeze two more into the show for that night… she looked me &  my campadre over…“lets see what we can do”…she offered. then mi compadre said “oh! do you have a student discount?” and she began rummaging around for her student ID… the girl kind of nodded…  and while i knew that they offered “a limited number of discounted tickets to younger patrons”  i had never really thought about it…

the girl behind the window pulled out a seating chart… and i told her ” just whatever is your best available we will take it” … Voila! she pointed at the 3rd row … “Great!”  i said reaching for my credit card…“that will be $30.00” she said flatly… i must have looked shocked because she started to explain…”they are 15 EACH”  now like i said ive been going to that theater for a looong time.. so i knew those were $105.00 tickets…and lets face it i was a little  stunned that she assumed i too was a student… can you say ego boost?? …later i discovered it isnt really a “student” discount its an “under 35” discount whateves even better the more the merrier!

Look…maybe I AM  making much ado about nothing… (sorry couldnt help myself) but…you cant see a movie in this town for that price…TSC is arguably one of the best shakespearean theatres in the world…15.00 is an absurdly good price for ANY seat in the gorgeous new facility that is Sydney Harmon (there are NO bad seats)…

the show which is set in 30’s cuba and is full of  belly laughs cuban music dancing and steamy frolicking its a perfect lil mental vacation/get away from the cold that is a dc winter…

sooo there is really no excuse…

for gods sake…

come on down..the price is right!

xoxo

via imgur.com

dont know what it says about me… but my first thought when i saw this pic was…

wow a ford…in liberia… yo detroit in the house….

also this song was on….

Well I’m a runnin’ down the road try’n to loosen my load
I’ve got seven women on my mind
Four that want to own me, two that want to stone me
One says she’s a friend of mine
Take it easy, take it easy
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don’t even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy
Well, I’m a standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona
Such a fine sight to see
It’s a girl my Lord in a flat-bed Ford
Slowin’ down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don’t say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me
We may lose and we may win, though we will never be here again
So open up I’m climbin’ in, so take it easy
Well, I’m a runnin’ down the road tryin’ to loosen my load
Got a world of trouble on my mind
Lookin’ for a lover who won’t blow my cover, she’s so hard to find
Take it easy, take it easy
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy
Come on baby, don’t say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me

and then i went to put the turkey in the oven… and thought

damn…i have a lot to be thankful for…

happy holidays sugarbabies…

xoxo

…i suppose its the weather…

but ive been preparing to hibernate… no really …ive been furiously  feathering the nest lately …a warm fall palette of browns/ Hermes oranges and leopard (keeping it sexy) has taken over…ive been layering rugs and hides and blankets and curtains… its full on Game of Thrones in my place right now. …WINTER IS COMING… never fear its still sexy… a glamorous mirrored desk means more working at home..less ruining shoes in slushy streets… an affordable sandwich shop/ bakery opened on my block ….

so i can score  hot cups of joe with alice in tow….

and  dont even have to cross the street …sweeet… i know…

and if you thought it was hard to get me out of the neighborhood before… well…

ill see you next spring …

xoxo

Working From Home..the fall editionGlam Desk- via West Elm;  re-purposed filing boxes –Hermes; Kassett storage boxes –Ikea; Rug –Ikea; Hand Picked Hair on Hide  –Sunland Home Decor;  Sheepskins – Ikea; Italian Leopard Print Sheets (out of stock) – Overstock ; Fun File Folders – The Paper Store;  Goat Cheese Sandwich – Cowgirl Creamery; To Kill a Mockingbird – Amazon;  Book Book- Macbook Cover – via 12 south  ; Specs- Atticus by  Oliver Peoples

xoxo

i fear for the future… for a generation with no johnny cash, no alexander mcqueen and regrettably as of 10/08/11… no dennis ritchie godspeed… and stealth mode…

xoxo

* For Dennis Ritchie

fuck them….

the ones who say you cant or you shouldn’t…

you’re too old or too fat or too short or too high maintenance

too emo…

too expensive… too cheap … too trusting…

that the men you date are too old or too young…

your hair is too big…

the ones who like to say when and where and how you should be doing it **newsflash** they dont know shit about how you should be doing anything…

the ones who think your style is too flamboyant or your shoes are too tall or your dog is too small

your relationships are too messy

your life is too chaotic

your job is too risky

your car is too ostentatious… your music is too twangy…or your boots are too pointy

the ones who think you stay out too late or go to bed too early …you’re drinking too much or not drinking enough…

dont waste another minute with them…

i dont care if they are neighbors, newbies, lovers, laborers, senators, prisoners or playboys… followers friends or family…

not another moment…

if im too much blond for you…i dont have time for you…

xoxo

ps.. if you want/need engraved stationery to tell em just how you feel… Mr Harrington will happily oblige you here...

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