The one where i am fake… so you dont have to be…

I’m not stranger to fake…

in the south back when i was a kid there wasn’t much you wouldn’t suffer for beauty… it was a duty…you repped a clan…

so … i come by it naturally and when i tell you if there is a beauty treatment out there…i have probably tried it… 

I’ve had hair extensions glued to my head.

I was one of the first to sign up for a needle loaded with botchelism… to the face.

i’ve had hot wax applied to nearly every place you can think would be a bad place to put hot wax…yep even there… and oh yeah and pour some bleach in there too!

i have had formaldehyde applied to my hair in a series of “treatments” that required the hairdresser to wear a gas mask.

I have had lasers applied directly to my face and underarms.

I have rolled about in a can of ultra violet light & been full body sprayed with a chemical im allergic  to (go figure) …

I have had a pedicure that involves putting your feet in a bucket full of flesh eating fish…(trust me…just use a fucking pumice stone)

i have had polished bits of acrylic glued to my fingers..hey it was the 80′s

I have dyed my hair every color in nature and few that are not.

“Ancient art of Threading”..sure i’ve tried it…

I’ve gone to sketchy basements in Alexandria for a “super facial” that “wasn’t FDA approved YET….but they do it in europe all the time”

sooooo naturally… when on a rainy sat afternoon i found myself in the basement of a row house in chinatown for “eyelash extensions”…i wasn’t worried…

in no time at all i was on my back … hot wax stripping stray hairs from my brows …while a tiny lady i had never seen before used scotch tape to hold my lower lashes down…then she set about basically hot gluing individual eyelashes into place…and when i say in place i mean…right up next to my eyeballs… with very pointy tweezers…

all i could think as tears rolled down my TAPED . OPEN . EYES… and into my ears… was “FML…what have i gotten myself into. I cant believe i am paying for this… the least she could do is crack a whip “…instead she gave me pearls of beauty wisdom … for keeping my lashes tidy for as long as possible… things like :

dont sleep on your face

dont wash your face

if you get something in your eye -just blink

dont take hot showers

“i can only do so much ..it takes work from you for these to look good” were her words …

i dont know if i’ve just reached a place in my life where i dont give a shit anymore… maybe im not even “able to give a shit” …maybe i have bigger concerns than my fucking eyelashes??

but a wise woman once said…

“look here honey…

pull “delicately” on the outer edge…line up…and press down…. hold… hold… repeat”

i was 10 years old when my granny showed me how to dot the glue and spread it with a tooth pick… and apply false eyelashes…that cost 4 dollars at cvs….

and three days later you wont be walking round with a “clump” of eyelashes missing cause you took a hot shower…

xoxo

used lingerie…

soooo….

you know that thing where over the years …fellas buy you nice lingerie… but then for whatever reason; doesnt fit, doesnt flatter, you never see the guy again, you gain 5 lbs, you lose 5 lbs, it has hot pink ruffles trimmed in red velvet (sounds sexy …but isnt…trust me),  or maybe your mom owns the same “retro underpinnings” etc etc…

and so one day while trying to make a bit of room in your closet you start pulling out all these nwt booty shorts and sequined bustiers and …

well…

what the fuck do you do with them??? i cant just toss em…i cant….and i dont think you can donate “intimates” to anyone…

maybe i  should start some sewing project that uses bits of chantilly lace and ribbon… but i have no idea what that would be a… quilt of broken dreams? maybe a stuffed animal, a bunny or sex kitten??but that seems kinda creepy…

im considering a box that says free to good home … and just sitting it out on the stoop… watch the natives pillage ….

if anyone has any ideas… im listening!

xoxo

in love with lavender

 

Topless Drag Strip Race Riot….

via: wayne white

im thinkin this painting …pretty much sums up my life… in optimal keywords/tags…

xoxo

 

 

 

the warrior poet class…

“What flag will i bear? what beast worship? what shrine besiege? what hearts break? what lies tell? – And walk through whose blood?? “

~ Arthur Rimbaud

the bravest among us might well be the poets…

in 1871 at the age of 16 he wrote the following about becoming a poet… a seer…

“I’m now making myself as scummy as I can. Why? I want to be a poet, and I’m working at turning myself into a seer. You won’t understand any of this, and I’m almost incapable of explaining it to you. The idea is to reach the unknown by the derangement of all the senses. It involves enormous suffering, but one must be strong and be a born poet. It’s really not my fault”

by age 20 he had given up all creative writing…by 37 he was dead…

Godspeed to the Libertines the poets and restless souls who go before us…

happy valentines day…

xoxo

privileged…

noblesse oblige…

I had every intention of…

I had every intention of writing about how im not nearly as high maintenance as folks likes to think….that just because i like a “day” body wash (citrusy) and a separate “night” one (calming) …only means i have a sensitive sensory system…

that asking him to hold the water bottle for me so i can drink like a hamster is more an expression of how much energy i can put into a zesty session…

but the thing is… at best… they are superficial character markers and if what my granny used to say is true

the true measure of a person is the company they keep…

then… you should all know i have an amazing circle of friends who continuously through the years… good times and bad… are there for me with offers of help…shoulders…vodka tonics…baseball games…puppy walks…tacos… or midnight text convos filled with encouragement…

some of you i dont even know irl.. and it matters not a bit…

yall are the best… and a special shout out to the ones lost this year -godspeed- and the new ones  gained ~welcome~…

thank you and you are all sooo special and appreciated i wish i was one of those writers… who string together perfect words … alll i have is

thank you….

and all the best in the new year

xoxo

happy holidays …

Sent with love from the road less traveled- (aka my iPhone) xoxo

the new breed…

sooooo…. while attending a birthday party …with a red carpet entrance and a fancy catering company….and assorted swankily dressed gallery folk, performance artists ,  and tycoon types  … i struck up a conversation with a young man who told me he was a “designer”… i felt a bit of kinship…. not long into the convo he told me he didnt know who Frank Lloyd Wright was…

i couldnt take him seriously…WHO ARE YOU and what public school system let you down so badly ???

Then last week i told a graphic “designer” that i needed the font she used to be a Sans Serif preferably Ariel or Helvetica… she used Times New Roman- a type with a heavy serif…and a shitty boring one at that…

WTF… if she didnt know what it meant she could have just googled it…

who is this new crop of “designers” that are completely ignorant of basic design concepts…

they are driving me to drink…also the fancy birthday party …was for a dog… 

just shoot me

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

meanwhile ..in real life…

Me: i didnt finish..i paused for dramatic effect…

Him: **blink blink**

xoxo

what i got… you want…and it might be hard to handle

What I want, you’ve got
And it might be hard to handle

But like the flame that burns the candle

The candle feeds the flame

What I’ve got’s full stock of thoughts
and dreams that scatter
You pull them all together
And how, I can’t explain
But You make my dreams come true
On a night when bad dreams become a screamer
When they’re messin’ with the dreamer
I can laugh it in the face
Twist and shout my way out
And wrap yourself around me
‘Cause I ain’t the way that you found me
I’ll never be the same
‘Cause You make my dreams come true
I’m down on the daydream
That sleepwalk should be over by now
I know that You make my dreams come true”

gothic

growing up in the south is by definition…gothic…

some of the darkest souls i know are wrapped in brightly colored lily pulitzer sundresses….

xoxo

cotton candy

your hair color always looks best just as you start to open the manic panic cotton candy pink dye …
xoxo

on smiths and snakes & stain removers…

Candy  was 19 and had two babies  perpetually  balanced on her hips  & was constantly pushing a vacuum cleaner round her tidy lil house… she had a trick for every kind of stain…her favorite saying seemed to be “oh a lil ____ will take that right out! fix it up good as new!!” .  I  was her “mothers helper” that summer… keeping the babies occupied while she rubbed spaghetti-o’s stains out of the table cloth with a lil dab of dawn dish soap.

she was the first person who didn’t treat me like a kid… we had grown up  conversations… mostly about General Hospital…

three times a week Candy would wait on the porch for her mother in law Carlene to pick her and the kids up and take ‘em all to church… mostly i knew Carlene from when i would ride with Candy to pick her up cause “daddy had been  a drinkin’ “

Candys husband Ray never went to church with her… neither did his daddy…who everyone just called Daddy…but Candy really liked going … she would make jello salad to take with her to almost every service… she taught me how to submerge it in hot water and  jiggle it out of the mold….

one Sunday my mamma agreed to let me tag along … i sat quietly (like i had been taught) and watched the service from my aisle seat… then i saw what i  thought was a woman, having a seizure… looking round i noticed that everyone had started swaying, stomping and  a few started talking (read: yelling) in “tongues” …i didn’t know what that meant  i just knew i didn’t understand them….or any of this…

and then they brought out the snakes…

i was terrified  … i cowered in my seat…but Candy put her arm round me… told me i didn’t have to worry… she pointed at the markings on the snakes and told me…”red on yellow, kills a fellow/ red on black, friend of jack” and she winked at me… i relaxed and tried to be a little more energetic in my hymn singing …just to blend in…

when i got home mamma asked how it was… i just said …‘oh it was fine“… i never told her about the service or the snakes…

the next night ……i woke up to the sound of my mamma downstairs…crying…& talking to 2 police officers

i never asked for the “whole” story…i was a kid nobody would have told me anyway…. but i pieced it together from the top of the stairs that night…

“well ma’am it looks like it started in the bed room”… “domestic case”  …  ”do you know how many guns were in the house?”  ”she crawled to the front porch before she died”… “can we bring the kids over here??”

The policemen brought the babies over to our house and a few hours later social workers came & took the babies right out of our arms… mamma begged them to let the babies stay with us…in a place they knew …with people they knew…together….

but they said no…

the next day…my friend Laurie  and i snuck over to the house… i pulled the spare key from a knot in a tree halfway up the driveway …like i had done a million times that summer… we lifted the yellow tape, let ourselves into the basement… and crept up the stairs… at the top of the stairs Laurie screamed and ran back outside … the brown stuff soaked into the carpet didnt look like blood but i was old enough now to know that it was….my first thought was…”this is gonna leave a real bad stain”…  i turned on my heel & ran back outside … i wrapped the spare key in a paper towel and put it in the  trash can..

i never went in that house again…and i never saw the babies again…

They caught Ray and he went to prison… some years later i heard he died there…  i was glad to know it…

every so often… i try to find the babies…but even in the age of the internet there are a lot of folks named Smith.

i would like to tell them about their mamma …maybe make them some jello salad…and show em how she taught me how to jiggle it out of the mold … tell  them how she taught me which snakes to be afraid of…

xoxo

on peter pan and why i will never give up gold lame’….

eventually everyone expects you to grow up…

little girls turn into young ladies who grow into women and then older women… and along the way there are rules to govern everything… from the pitch of your voice, to the length of your skirt and hair… and along the way the rules change…   You’d be hard pressed to find a ladies magazine or “what not to wear” episode that recommended bleached blond crimped extensions or dreadlocks and a gold lame’ prom dress with a leather western belt for a 70 yr old woman..

and yet…

Betsy pulls it off with aplomb…she makes 70 look fun…

maybe the lesson here is that being true to yourself is attractive at any age…

it doesnt mean we dont have to grow up…we do… but we dont have to give up… anything…
other women who are breaking all the rules and having fun doing it can be spotted over at Ari’s
blog Advanced Style 
xoxo

betsey johnson is my homegirl ….

muse madness,,,

hat tip to the redneck romance writer…

the ShWhore House…

i went on a holiday but
i think lux and ivy said it best..

“i been a drag racer on LSD,

and i rode bare-assed on top of the shpinx,

i even had a gorilla on the slopes of kismet,

and man, that was fun for a while you bet but…

[chorus:] bikini girls with machine guns, bikini girls with machine guns, that stuff will kill ya, it’s loaded with fun, bikini girls with machine guns

well i savored many foriegn kinds of delicacies,

intoxicated til i can’t tell what the hell i could see,

had all the violence and liquor within close reach,

but all bars, pills and threeways lead me back to the beach and…

now they say that virtue is it’s own reward,

but when that surf comes in i’m gunna get my board,

got my own ideas about the righteous kick, you can keep the rewards, i’d just as soon stay sick”…

 

RIP lux…

 

summer

midnight noodles at Toki Undreground

a last min brunch reservation for 8

brunches that include tequila shots & may or may not evolve into a dance party

burgers on the grill…

driving in at 10 am…on an 85 degree morning with the top dropped

Augusts redeeming No congress / No Traffic rule

Prince belting 1999 on the radio

the tail end of shark week

the combo of all of the above… or quite

possibly im just heading into a manic phase…

still…

i love summer in this city…

#dc4life

xoxo

 

 

my first mistake..

was believing him when he said his name was hero…

xoxo

man.the.fuck.up

available via Snarky Cards on Etsy…

crazy from the heat…

so…

 i was in the parking garage of the Superfly Safeway (in DC alll the safeways have nicknames) and there were three beautiful samoan women in red silk moo moos flowing around them like supermans cape..with crowns of flowers in their hair… and… yeah … i know exactly what youre thinking… “what the hell were you doing at a grocery store??” 

xoxo

The Danger Zone…

pro tip: drinking too much and walking home at 3:30 am through some shady urban landscapes is prob not a good idea..not even if you have an attack dog…esp if your attack dog is only 4lbs of terrier…

Also you should try to remember your attack dogs leash… so you don’t have to carry he/she all the way home…

also .. it is disconcerting to me how many folks are jogging on the national mall at 3:30 am

xoxo

 

 

 

this moment…

its an unseasonably cool day with a slow steady rain…

and i just walked home from a bit of pampering …

my hair is still damp

Fiona Apples new music is playing softly in the front of the house..

british crime drama is on the “telly” in the rear…

there is a half decent cup of tea that i sat down somewhere round here…

the laundry is turning …

a healthy puppy is sleeping on the sofa… well half sleeping and sorta watching me out of one eye...

a bowl of tomato soup with roasted basil just needs a spoon…

and there’s a bit of work waiting for my attention on the laptop…

this moment…this very moment….its a good one…

xoxo

funk me…

…growing up in dc…

our next door neighbors were two elderly/retired catholic nuns….

on summer Saturdays my “chore list” included weeding the tree box… i always cleaned Miss Anna & Miss Marys tree box too and they always handed me a silver dollar for my trouble… on one particular hot afternoon in july, Miss Anna was sitting on the stoop while i was pulling trash from the tree box when Miss Mary propped her “radio box” in the open window …we all smiled at each other when the music started…

and then the three of us were dancing…on the sidewalk…my brother came from somewhere, at first he was laughing at us …but then he was bobbing too….with a broom…

its one of my fondest childhood memories…and it was the first time i heard chuck brown…

RIP and godspeed to the godfather of go-go…. get get get get on down….

xoxo

Chuck Brown…if you grew up in DC he was your Godfather…
” the godfather of go-go”

sucker bets…

If anybody has an acquaintance with sucker bets its prob me… i can be shortsighted and have you met me???

instant gratification is my middle name…

so when the odds dont figure and the payoff is less than the put in…

well you’ve just described almost every relationship i have ever been in

… and sooo…  this morning as i was walking alice we passed a group of homeless men and

i noticed one fella…. on his IPHONE (shit you not)

animatedly talking to his bookie bout the “taking Miami”

he eye raped gave me and alice the ‘ole up/down gaze…

pulled his phone from his ear and asked

“baby.. can ya spare any cash money for your man today” ???

annnd yeah  i told him the first thing that popped into my head which was…

“ya shouldve taken the knicks…… cocksucker”

xoxo

while we were dreaming…

“and if i could find your heart…id pull it from your chest…smash it with my fist…til it was beating…

…and if theres a hole inside…heaven in your bed…cause the angel you kissed… just left you bleeding”  ~pink mountaintops

suckerpunch…

“Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we’ll never die? Who teaches us what’s real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we’ll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”  ~sweet pea

I like this movie more every time i watch it…mostly cause the false eyelashes are epic…

also….am i the only one who JUST realized that selena gomez & vanessa hudgens are not the same person ??

xoxo

what i wore: the working a saki/beer garden edition

just another lover on the ledge…

…insomnia is a bigger bitch than me…

and she works a number on your skin your hair your overall disposition…and … i have had a hard go of it lately ….all round… from all sides work/home/friends/lovers….just really fu(like every  cliché you ever heard) to music….and while nobody sings the blues like muddy and everybody knows i love me some johnny cash…sad twangy county music isn’t always the road i choose…sometimes i like it a little darker…sometimes i wanna hear about lovers and ledges and about knowing what i ought to do but doing wrong anyway.. … and when that’s the case i dig out the cd this lil goth band from way back … Tapping the Vein…whose album The Damage has been spot on for me a few times over the years…this past week it has been blaring from my car stereo…. these are the two getting the heaviest rotation right now…

related: pretty sure  some folks in my garage hate me right now…