a sex kittens tales from the road…

suagarbabies…

what is there to do for  blonds with a tiny dog and guitar cases sticking out of sexy european convertibles… who want to be treated like… welll…rockstars… after mother nature  squelched their weekend yachting plans you ask?

…i know that is just about the worst sentence ever written … but those of you that know me…know that there is no way im going back up there to edit it!! …

awww sugarbabies… you know what they say….

cleveland rocks… and as surprised as i am… i have to admit… cleveland is way cooler than you think it is…and…thats just fine with me…cause the longer its a hip little secret the longer i can keep it all toooo myself…and we all know… im selfish that way…

rock and roll hall of fame… johnny cashes tour bus… jackos sequined glove… housed  in an impressive I M Pei pyramid…on the shores of lake eerie…thats what im talking bout…

fringy artists…*sigh* i have a soft spot for those cute lil emo kids…

a pretty decent theater district…

a nice mix of cool new and gritty dirty old soul…. side by side…

an excellent local eatery with a walleye that will bring tears to your eyes…homemade pretzels and sauces that even made me ask “can i buy this stuff??” and the staff was tight too… they even brought out a bowl of water for alice…

although….overall…. cleveland  could be pet friendlier…the ONLY hotel that would allow pets was the ritz… i know i know poor me….and the downtown revitalization would be helped immensely if some stuff would open before 4pm… but put that aside… and concentrate on the good bits…

and oh yeah…

the drive is stunning… and included a side trip to

gravity hill

which i am not going to say anything other than…..creeeeeeeepy….in the best way

…. cleveland …. who knew???

what more could a girl want from a long weekend???

oh yeah…but of course sugarbabies…. they have that too……

xoxo

how to date a gazillionaire in 10 easy steps:

oh sugarbabies…   a weekend is a terrrible thing to waste! whats that?? you dont have dinner plans?? no worries sugar…just follow these quick easy steps :

1. get your hair done
2. drop the top
3. (this one  is important) …get lost in great falls ( where the median home value 1.5million)
4. agree to buy lunch in exchange for directions back to DC
5. forget your wallet (doh!)
6. agree to make it up to him and buy DINNER …IF he ever gets lost in your neck of the woods
7. wait 24 hours for him to call saying he’s “lost” at the capital grille @ 6^th and Pennsylvania
8. agree to rescue him (and thank heavens you know a few of the staff so its not toooo weird that he somehow found your number -and trust me it aint easy-)
9. pull a particularly sweet pair of pradas out of their box
10. … let nature take its course….

xoxo

the goods…

oh sugrbabies!! have you been behaving yourselves??? i thought not… me either… crazy right?? … who would have thought id be rain soaked and cold on a friday afternoon in June… when im in DC? the gods must be crazy…

speaking of…

lets see…

i know you want the goods….soo… lets see what i ve got for you….

the actor… well… between our schedules… we’ve barely had a chance to see each other…. oh well… maybe when the run is over we will get a chance to make up for lost time…on a beach… in Cali…fingers crossed… reservations made…

i know iknow iknow..you are dying to hear about “the party” the one with the good invite…but you’ll have to wait…sorry to be a tease but…no time to write it all down just yet…but … it wasnt disappointing! if for no other reason than the unexpected celeb factor…oh my…

the latest obsession im totallllly in love with these… someone order them for me …pretty please!

the entertainment lawyer… he lives in NYC… we met in TX …our first date was in LA… seems like he can keep up…but i have to ask myself….can i? seriously…all this stuff has me feeling like a week in my own bed with some netflix…would soooo be in order right about now…

the roommate… welll i know what youre thinking… reallly?? a roomie?? for you?? no way! …but yes….i know i know… silly kids…shes great…you hardly know she is there…( i did make it very clear …she cant share my shoes) she doesn’t eat my food (i dont have any there anyway!) shes neat, quiet, doesnt care what is on the tv…doesnt drink my vodka…and yes shes a wee bit on the young side…and yes shes kind of a bitch… like me…and yes we totallllllly stop traffic when we are out on the street together….but as far as roomies go shes perfect…so… we are getting used to each other…her name is alice.

more soon …i promise…

xoxo

mOBSCENE …the invitation…

….suagarbabies….

what is it that they say??…

for every action…there is an equal (or possibly greater) Re Action…

well  the Re Action…makes for a good story… or bad…depending on how strongly rooted you are in traditional judeo christian mores….but dont get me distracted…

…The invitation…

arrived by courier…

not dhl/or falcon…umm no…. a young kid in a dark navy suit and bangs that hung across one eye….(not as cool as an eye patch…but cool enough)

AND instead of signing for it… he requested that i kiss an ivory card … as he handed me a new tube of Chanel~ No. 95 Red Dream… he blushed while he asked…i just laughed…licked my lips, applied the lipstick…and left a red gash on the paper for him… then i flipped the lipstick upside down like a pen to put my “trademark” xoxo underneath…

the invitation itself…was antique letterpress… on paper that was thicker than the walls in most DC apartments… ivory with a slight metallic sheen to it…

baroque scrolls &  black scriptina letters announcing the date and time that a car would pick me up…

—- truthfully it wasnt my style— i like a little hipster twist with my old school traditional invites…im more helvetica than scriptina… but… i was still amused enough by the couriers deep blush not to care…

the invitation …. was unsigned… anonymous…hmmmmm ok …slightly creepy but ok….maybe …intriguing is a more positive way to see it…

and when i tossed the envelope on the coffee table…i noticed something still hiding inside…

i picked it up and out slid a  gift card… Neimans… more than twice my mortgage payment…dont get too excited i bought BEFORE the bubble.

hmmmm… well that does narrow the field a bit…

a party…how fun…

not really…. truth be told… i havent liked parties since my fourth grade BFF caught her dress on fire at her Bday…AND…ever since its been its pretty hard to get me to agree to attend one… in fact its hard to get me to commit to just about ANYTHING…of course… i almost always have fun once i get there…but i tend to dread it right up until i walk in….

i poured myself a vodka tonic…and sat down to study the invite…

it was expensive… it was custom… and it required an rsvp….

the courier would be back in three days…(same bat place/same bat time) for my

repondez s’il vous plait….

then …. i turned the large-ish card over in my hand…and…

a sly…possibly wicked… grin spread across my face…. i couldnt help it…

there in the bottom corner…. was the symbol….a subtle little icon….i turned it back over in my hand held it up to the light…yep…there it was…the watermark was the same symbol…. i sighed with relief…and maybe a little bit of disbelief … it wasnt  a stuffy affair after all…and it definitely had not come from the person who initially came to mind….nope…

all of the sudden…this had….whats the word???…. possibilities…

real possibilities….

i had heard of this party…and i knew the invites were pretty exclusive…

and i was fleetingly glad to have had the food poisoning diet thing last week…

it was gonna be….

ummm…how to put this???

provocative…

awesome.…dont worry sugarbabies… the irony of a bad porn plot for a life..is not lost on me…

i practically danced over to my new giuseppe zanottis….and… kissed them….

ive been toooo good of late…..(Action meet ReAction)

and an engraved invitation to be bad… had just arrived…via courier no less… how fucking timely…and FUN… wow ….

and just like that..i realized how bored (and boring??) ive been the last few months…

xoxo

“you came to see the MobScene… i know it isnt your Scene… its better than a Sex Scene…and its so fucking ObScene…ObScene…yeah”….  MM

….to be continued….

The Sleeping with Rockstars Edition…

oh sugarbabies….

i startled out of a pretty deep  sleep…when i heard the knock on the door….i almost immediately realized i was in a hotel …which hotel and why came to me  slower ….i was half outta bed pulling the sheet around me when i realized it was Lenny Briscoe….and that id fallen asleep with the tv on… as evvvveryone will tell you…im apt to do…

i smiled at lenny….i miss you…rip

then i heard another noise that made me jump again… snoring…

damn…yep…hes there passed out on the sofa…. crap…

i looked under the sheets….i still had panties AND a tank top on… ok ok ok good… im not a TOTAL whore…

i fell back into to bed…. hearing to him breathing… was … comforting…

i looked at the clock…and pulled on my jeans… 6am.. central time…

i stepped kinda gingerly watching out for guitars and other assorted equip that was strewn EVERYWHERE….arrrgh…

i headed to the kitchen…pushed open the door… hugged maria… she hugged me back… we go back a loooong way….i pulled a stool up to the counter and she poured me a cup of coffee….

“you two have been spending a lot of time together”… she winked….

“no… no no… we havent sugar… we just seem to spend the bits of time we DO spend together here!”

she just  shrugged…and passed me a peach yogurt from the fridge…. i poured some coffee into a carafe, grabbed an unseemly number of splendas and headed back to my room…

he was in the bed…

i snuggled in next to him…

“friends… til the end” ???

when he said it there was a little bit of a question in his voice….

it usually comes out as a statement….

our statement…

our promise that no matter what… or who… or where… or how we’d alllways be there for each other… some folks youre just connected to like that…and you know that thick or thin…(and he happens to be in  a thin spot…at the moment) they are there…

i thought for a min….

before i kissed his forehead and told him…

“til the end sugar”….

but to myself….. i couldnt help but remember him trying to hide the track marks and thinking…

“the bitter end”

xoxo

a sex kitten in the showroom…

sugarbabies!!!

we have some catching up to do! so we better get started…

let me see… after what will be from hear on out known as the chipmunk assault of 09… during which Sex on Wheels was parked quietly minding her own business while i was traipsing about <read-taking the metro> (thats right bitchez!! in 2009 im alll about riding the PT Cruiser {Pub Trans} ) a family of those lil fuckers got busy and chewed all her hoses/wires/belts… now… i dont know if you have replaced hoses wires and belts on a sexy european sports car before (i have a feeling a few of you have) … but …it rang in at almost 6k..

holy rascally rodents  batman!

damn.. there goes  any sort of vacay this year right?? but NO …..thank you baby jesus… karma… fate ….or insurance adjuster who has a thing for blondes… but yeah …the insurance company covers it…. whod have guessd??!

whew…

sooooo…. while sex on wheels was suffering certain indiginties associated with rodents and a lube job…. i made my way… in my loaner car (a chevy equinox that had best not be the hope of the american car industry) to  a dealer across town…just to …you know…

see what was sexy on his lot…

i ran my fingers over a red ferrari in the show room…and told him the make and model i was looking for… and…ummm… sir… she HAS to be convertable….

ah i have JUST the car for you! his eyes lit up….

after looking her over i pointed to another convertable across the lot…

Oh he said kind of hanging his head you prob dont want that one…its a manual transmission

silly boy… if there is one thing i know how to handle … its a stick…

i left…

more soon sugarbabies…

xoxo

when a sex kitten shops for lingerie…

sugarbabies…

evidently after a vodka tonic…a perfect sidecar…and a few stoli doli’s at the capital grille…i can be talked into almost anything…and thats how i ended up at a lingerie show…made exxxtra  classy by the fact that not just the models but also the FOOD were supplied by the infamous -read: topless- …crystal city diner…

we arrived fashionably late…and i was soon whisked into the makeup tent… so that a solid B lister of an infamous DC  drag queen could glam up my make up… sorry kids…i know  i know…but i showed up with a (gasp) bare face… and well im all about keeping it sexy….so…. 10 min later i have what the drag queen is calling a “smokey eye” and what i refer to as tammy faye gone streetwalker… but… whatever… everybody looks pretty under hot pink lights…um ok…almost everybody…

smile sugarbabies

after fingering a bit of burlesque-y beaded bits from this boutique

and confirming that a certain vintage chanel ring i have can indeed be repaired with a cute georgetown jeweler….

i headed home… i was double dating (going out more more than once a night) … i finally rolled home and crashed around 3am…

at 7 am..

there was an unfamiliar nuzzle on the back of my neck…

umm.. oh hai! iz forgot youze here…

the older gentleman next to me was asking for a morning romp…. i found the leash …threw my fur coat over my sweats … & we headed out… for a quick jaunt to the nearest flower box for some business… i figured folks were looking at how his fur kinda matched my fur…. and noting that his “pimp walk”  (read: hip dysplasia ) was tight and thinking to myself….

yeah bitchez we coordinate…. and …wow my head hurts bad…

yeah… ummm it didnt even occur to me…

that last nights “smokey eye” had slid about an inch to the left and a half inch down…

the only thing i can say…is …umm…if you noticed a homeless looking cruellla deville walking the streets of dc bleary eyed with a gimpy older pup on sunday morn ….ummm my bad… im sorry sugarbabies….but being a sex kitten…. well…it  is not ALL bon bons and bacon…

xoxo

Essential Sex Kitten 3.0: the try it youll like it edition

sugarbabies…
im not usually a “joiner” but.. who could say no to the

4th annual silent poetry reading its …umm…TODAY!

be sure to pop around the blogosphere and see who else is posting poetry today…Start here or here trust me sugarbabies… poetry is sexy… and according to
Punxatawney Phil we are gonna be cooped up for a few more weeks…soo..
today is a good day to give it a go…..

Her Kind

I have gone out, a possessed witch
haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.

I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disalign.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.

I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.

-Anne Sexton

AND just one more… cause i know you dont reallly wannna get back to work just yet…

Desire

in my dreams
I hold my lovers
next to me all at once
and ask them

what was it I desired?

my hands are full
of their heads
like bunches of cut roses
blond hair, brown hair, red, black,
their eyes are pools of bewilderment
staring up at me
from the bouquet

what was it I desired?
I ask again

was it your bodies?
did I hope by draping
your flesh over me
I could escape
boredom
loneliness
gray hairs shooting
towards me
from the future
like thin arrows?
did I think I could escape,
by taking your breath
into my mouth,
did I think I could escape
the responsibility
of breathing?

what did I desire in you?

sex
knowledge?
power?
love?

did I expect the clouds to
crack
and blue moths to fly out of the stars?
did I expect a voice
to call to me
saying
“Here at last is the answer.”

what
I yell at them
shaking my lovers
what did I desire in you?

their ears fall off like petals
they shed their faces
in a pile at my feet
their bewildered eyes
pucker and close
centers of fallen flowers

the last face
floats down
circling in the darkness
at my feet

what did I desire in you? I whisper

the stems of their bodies
dry in my hands
– Mary Mackey

ok ok…i gave up fighting with wordpress to make this thing look half decent …i know its hard to read…but i think good poems…like good girls/boys…are worth a little struggle…

xoxo

this is what a sex kitten umm i mean feminist looks like @ 630am

sugarbabies….

you know what vexes me about the anti abortion movement???

they swell their numbers with children…they bus in thousands middle school and high schoolers… like it is a sort of macabre field trip…and use them to inflate their numbers…what are the kids supposed to do???…it is their chance to “come to Wash DC”…  to me …it is a bit like enlisting child soldiers…using brainwashed emotionally vulnerable children to fight your battles doesnt seem right… yeah ummmm its a complex issue busing in your babies seems ummmm…. not ok…

and on a side note…gathering under my window to shout orders to your child soldiers at 630 am…also not ok…for some reason….of alll the protests that go on here….they are the only ones that consistently get this bit wrong…

sooooo ummmm sugarbabies if you happened to notice a sleepy eyed scantily dressed sex kitten on the stoop this morning…pointing out to the leaders of this particular crowd…that if they moved two feet to the left they would be shouting in front of an empty lot and NOT my bedroom window……yeah….ummm maybe i should have put on a robe or a snuggie or something…but… umm whatever…. my way worked….i mean…you shoulda seen em…. i had their FULL attention…

maybe i should have shouted something more poignant….than “get off my lawn”

xoxo

a sex kitten on ice…

sweeeet glory sugarbabies….

its was cold down there on the front row with all those sweaty lil hockey players…im soo glad that at the last min i threw on the fur (its getting lots of use these days)… cause really wearing a jersey seems a little bourgeois  …and well….im not the type to “blend in” at a sporting event…but thats another story…anyway…

semin isnt how i spell it

Semin isnt how i spell it …but…whatevs… he IS adorable….

and so is this one…

why hellllllo sugarrrrr baby.......

do i give a shit know anything about hockey…umm…no…

but its still fun to:

glam up the house with your fur coat…

champagne cocktails and to

hear a few whispers of  who is she?  &  did you see her shoes?

(lovies:  bright red pradas are the only TEAM colored items i own)

to have your messages thrown up on the “jumbotron”…

all that AND i managed to keep my hair out of the guy behind mes beer…

(although he admitted to some close calls and to keeping it close to his chest)

yeah our team lost…but….no worries sugarbabies…it didnt put a damper on the afterparty….

seriously kids….i party…so you dont have to….

xoxo

essential sex kitten…2.0

sugarbabies…

if..

• you decide to head across the street to the store for “sexy time supplies”  because maybe…
• you got a teeensy bit too much sun while sunbathing naked on a yacht off the coast of florida last weekend…and…
• you decide youre in tooo big of a hurry to put on a shirt…
• cause a fella who may or may not have agreed to rub lotion on the bits you cant reach is on his way over…
• sooo…you grab the fur coat that is thrown over the Barcelona Chair ..and your umbrella …

and here is the lesson kids….

grab a fur coat …with a button… cause…holding your coat closed …with one hand and your umbrella with the other….leaves no hands available for grabbing sexy supplies at the store…. To anyone who saw my naughty girl bits in the Triple B the other night…(and most of you appeared to be visiting europeans soo i didnt get the impression you were especially scandalized) …. but to the others… ummm….oops… my bad.. but srsly?? this is DC sugarbabies… just cause its the baby oil aisle doesnt mean its safe for families…

xoxo

a sex kittens eternal sunshine…

sugarbabies…

i came home today…

eternal sunshine … aka miami… is a great cure for the winter blues…

i didnt buy a return ticket ’cause i wasnt sure how long i was gonna stay… how long it would take to start feeling like myself again… but… after a few days i realized i really just wanted to come home (home…. is such a raw word for me these days) and deal with stuff …not hide in plain sight on a fancy yacht…one of the good things about money… is that if you have enough of it you can pretty much afford to distract yourself from almost anything you dont want to deal with… one of the the bad things is…. it never reallllly works….soo…. i booked a flight home…

i called abdul  sorry thats Ab-Cool…. i wanted to practice delegating… to give up some responsibility…any responsibility…and i havent used the car service in ages…its an easy enough thing to give up on cold dreary nights when your mind is elsewhere….he seemed genuinely happy to see me…. and what girl doesnt like getting greeted at the airport by a good looking man with a bear hug??? even if he is… the limo driver…

i dropped my bag by the door…one of my mad skillz…is that i can pretty much pack for an indefinite period of time in one bag… one med sized Tumi Ballistic overnight bag…i like to think the skill is mine… but… it might be the near perfect design of the bag… i wish Tumi would come out with a line for emotional baggage…

there were empty bottles of VOSS filling the sink… (in 2009 i would realllly like to get the housekeeper on some sort of regular schedule; and delegate more, and learn to open a bottle of champagne…)…the 2 dozen white roses hadnt drooped yet (amazing) … on the table theres a small pile of literary magazines, a large pile of junk mail, a few late christmas cards (better late than never…right?) a note taped to the bathroom mirror means ill probably need to get a restraining order…great…like i have time for that…a vintage fur coat is on the floor by the sofa… i have hardly worn it this year… but the slight sunburn and the cold…make me wanna climb into something extra cozy … the heat has been turned off for a few days…  the place is freezing…i slip the coat on… sometimes i reallly do feel granny with me when i wear it…

i think of the christmas eve midnight mass ….when i was a little kid … and i fell asleep in the pew snuggled up against her and that fur coat…  thats religion to me…

i look around… its dark and the lights dont  seem to help…

i turn on the game…tell me they didnt just throw it to bobby wade….christ…

i pour a vodka tonic… (a familiar act turned silly & glamorous by the addition of the fur)

and then

<insert the sounds of hell freezing over>

i called a boy…

its 2009 bitchezzzz…a new year …ANYTHING …..could happen…

xoxo

“im not a concept…im just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace piece of mind…” -clementine

the problem with the pill…

sugarbabies…

i’m pregnant….i know its the last thing you expected…me too….

Happy New Year

ok ok

im just messing with you…but realllly i do mean the happy new year thing.. and im wishing alll kinds of good (and naughty) things for you all in the new year..

i just talked to my Dr. and im pretty sure that the INSANE case of PMS that i’ve had for several weeks that caused me to cry uncontrollably for almost a week…awesomeness… is merely the result of the new pill she put me on..

“oh yeah thats a common side effect” …..she told me alll  casually…

like i hadnt spent the last few weeks believing myself to be completely loosing my grip …doing alll i could to avoid friends and parties…and… generally feeling like a blonder ann sexton (with better shoes of course)….

fucking the hells??

bitch couldnt have mentioned that????????

i decided to hate her..but…..i suck at that sooo i just burst into tears…

to which she replied…

im calling the pharmacy now… new pills AND some valium…

see… now i heart her…

soo if the mood swings dont kill me.. ill be blaming my red eyes on the chlorine….. as i head down to sit on santas lap in the swanky hot tubs of miami..

you kids dont wait up

xoxo

urgency….

urgency – the state of being urgent; an earnest and insistent necessity

necessity – the condition of being essential or indispensable

hurry, haste – a condition of urgency making it necessary to hurry; “in a hurry to lock the door”

imperativeness, insistency, press, insistence, pressure – the state of demanding notice or attention; “the insistence of their hunger”; “the press of business matters”

criticality, criticalness, cruciality – a state of critical urgency

urgency – pressing importance requiring speedy action; “the urgency of his need”

importance – the quality of being important and worthy of note; “the importance of a well-balanced diet”

sharpness, edge – the attribute of urgency in tone of voice; “his voice had an edge to it”

imperativeness, instancy – the quality of being insistent; “he pressed his demand with considerable instancy”

its not the kind of thing that youre supposed to want…..but  then….ive always been hard to shop for…

xoxo

knights move thinking

…great…

of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…

i need to eat something….what time is it??

3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….

ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….

yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….

do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning

here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….

glamour is a rocky road….

perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….

Skin flicks… lipstick…  baby scribbles in the mirror…

i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…

and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…

damn these boots are hot  ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me

drama overdoses….

yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…

i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..

it feels kinda good…

no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..

i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..

chickie babys gone off the deep end

pain….plain ole predictable foot pain…  that im in CONTROL of….

is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…

and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…

no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….

god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….

i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf

change get back to the beginning…

i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..

i wanna get outta here…now…

change… go back to the beginning…

emotional honesty as  bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …

i want out of here….

thoughtless words are like shadows…

where the fuck is my overnight bag???

where is my phone???

hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???

ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.

god dammit im outta soda pop…

i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…

from a world where words… are like graven images

zip these fucking boots up…

yeah im feeling  a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….

bag? check.

lip gloss? check.

credit cards? check.

cell phone? check.

turn off the heat.. Check.

damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ‘em and fuck him tooo…

we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….

ok im out…

—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..

no he didnt just call me sweetness….

fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….

” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”

it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…

@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”

FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc

“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me!  fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!

butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…

buses… roadies…  a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….

where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…

change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….

born into a life where pain is your very best friend…

fuck… missed the light…there  is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF  do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…

one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…

unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….

this town is toooo fucking small….

its the way of the wicked…

green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…

theres no time for love….

im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…

theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..

xoxo

****editors note****

i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss  a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..

xoxo

roping the moon…

sugarbabies…

… i dreamed i roped the moon…

or i grabbed the rope… i saw this  rope attached to the moon…and noticed that the moon wasnt in the right place…hummm…

so i grabbed the rope…but then…once i had the moon…i didnt know what to do with it…

typical…  i know

and nobody would take the rope…i couldnt give the moon away… i was gonna have to figure it out myself…

’cause oh yeah  ..the moon was hurtling  toward the earth…

and i was trying to keep the inevitable collision from being too hard…

with just a limp rope…  (some of the material i GIVE you guys is tooo easy)

i was desperately trying to negotiate some sort of best case scenario…

…a soft bounce…

ok ok…

…. it wasnt as good as the dream i had where i taught Moses how to make butter..where  im just churning away…and i kept telling him..dont worry the people are gonna love this shit i swear!!!

but…

it was still a pretty good dream…

sugarbabies…..be careful what you wish for ….

xoxo

even the firewood was sexy…

hi sugarbabies…

no worries loves…the birch sexy firewood arrived in time… of course it wasnt quite cold enough for a fire in the fireplace sooo..it just sat next to the fireplace…looking sexy… (the firewood…not me silly) i was busy serving assorted pies and booze to any that i could cajole into such sinful pursuits… old people and babies entertained each other while the college kids made out in the “boom boom room”…and the mid life crisis’ had too much of the pricey wine and passed out earlyish….

alll in all it was a perfect thanksgiving…

keeping it sexy

18 turned into twenty for dinner … (thats right bitchez dinner for twenty and we stillll managed to keep it sexy!!!) and then grew a bit as the cocktail hour stretched on … the drugstore pony kept the kiddies entertained… yes-i have a drugstore pony and hes hooked up to a light switch so you dont even have to drop a quarter in ..you can ride for as looong as you want to..or until the music drives you crazy… (best.investment.ever) … the college kids were happy to dj and tip back any unattended booze … the older folks cooed over the babies..the tweens chased the toddlers …the mommies got drunk…the daddies packed leftovers…

and… me … well i …watched it all …with a vodka tonic in one hand a microfiber cloth tucked into the pocket of my silk skirt (im stilll ocd mind you) and the realization that the ONLY reason to have a house….is… it to fill it to capacity with love, music, friends, family, good food, great booze, and all things sexy…

as often as possible…

xoxo

Virginia…is for lovers

sugarbabies…

i wasnt expected in the office this morning…(or maybe i was??)

but…my hair looked good…and dont ask me why but i was wide awake and kinda excited about the cold crisp morning air… sooooo …. i pulled on an extra layer and headed to the office…early…

i walked up to the break room to start some coffee….runnning my hands through my hair and half stretching my shoulders….the lights were still out sooo i didnt notice a tiny well dressed old man….

“como te llama” ?

i was startled by his question…and jumped a bit…

“im sorry i didnt mean to frighten you” he said softly….

there are plenty of spanish speakers in my office but folks dont generally approach me with spanish first..(maybe its the hair?? maybe..)

i laughed and told him no problem ….and asked if  i could get him some coffee…

he persisted now in perfect english ….

“what is your name?”

i told him.. and offered my hand…

he repeated it slowly….

“are you sure?” he asked taking my hand

uuummmm…. yes im sure…

“is it short for anything a nickname???”…

ummmm….yes…as a matter of fact it is…. i told him the name my mama calls me….

it was shortened by my third grade teacher …i offered in explanation…

waiting for him to let go of my hand…

“so your name…its not virginia???”

“ummm no but thats a really pretty name …one of my best friends is named virginia”…

he let go of my hand…and smiled a sad smile…

“Virginia was my wife for 58 years…she passed away..

when i saw you…you looked sooo much like her…that for a min…welll i guess i miss her…oh im sorry to bother you”…. he trailed off

i poured his coffee….

kissed his cheek and told him…

“come sit in my office while you wait…tell me about virginia…”

Thats when he told me…

“i dont have an appointment…i just had a feeling i should be here”

i looked at him….over my glasses …raised my eyebrows…

Oh.. well in that case… we can take our time…

xoxo

“Oh cruel moon you shine so bright
And act like everythings all right
You shine as if there’s nothing wrong
You shine on down like she’s not gone”

-buddy miller

I kinda figure my last words will be something along the lines of…” wow my hair is gonna look great in that light”

-suicide_blond

i voted for william…

sugarbabies…

last night after work i drove home…

to a small town in a battleground state…

but my smalll town isnt like most small towns in america…

it doesnt worry about the things most small towns in america worry about…the plant closing, or the price of groceries rising, or how much it costs to fill up the car this week… no my small town…isnt like most

its subsidized

its really a village supported almost entirely by rich folks (realllly reallly rich folks like Rockefeller and Getty rich folks) who like the

“idea” of a small town ….

the idea of change…not so much….

the rich are different… take it from me… i know…

i also know that

if you look realllly hard…and trust me you have to look hard… under the perfectly aged patina, past that perfectly “distressed in just the right way” veneer…you can find small town america in my little village…

its in the faces of the cooks, the grooms, the housekeepers, the farriers, and the stone masons that keep those stone walls straight and just so…

so yeah my neighbors subsidize a gourmet organic butcher shop, and a  more expensive than whole foods type small grocer… and tonight they cross their fingers cause the mood is slightly downcast and as a cold drizzle falls…the rich sip french onion soup in front of a cozy fire, in an ancient hearth, that is kept burning by a giddy young boy with curly dark hair, smiling eyes and…

the knowledge that one day…he reallly could be president…

sooo today i voted for you william… -best fire stoker in the state- now you be careful, watch out for the sparks, do your homework, and dont stay up too late…ill be back soon and i have a feeling that we might have something to high five about

xoxo

i party so you dont have to…

dear sugarbabies…..

the top 10 quotes from the weekend:

10:  “lets totalllly do something cheap tonight”  followed a few hours later later with: “ummm we are gonna need ANOTHER bottle of Dom P. please”

9 i just rocked the red roof inn… where is the limo?

8 we have commandeered a prom vehicle!

7  me:  “put the bottle of vodka in your purse” ….

freckles:  “ok but its uuugh PEACH”

6) me: we went shoe shopping @ Neiman Marcus…thats more intimate than sex….

rothko: ummm dont worry he prob still thinks the sex is more intimate

5) Butterscotch is my safe word

4) there is my favorite blond one! …(flattery and vodka tonics will get you everywhere)

3) we have rented a mansion on 16th st and we are planning a “rager” wanna come??? (OMG!! LNS has moved into my building!! )

2) i cant plan until i find a pair of sequined booty shorts

and drumrollllllll plllleeeaaaasssseee….. the NO. 1 Quote of the weekend comes from our friend freckles:

1)  tell the driver to pull right up to the door….i want to show my Brittney

sugarbabies i party so you dont have to…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

hey look what i found!! your Halloween costume!!… yall bitchez are looking yummmmy and ummm a little slutty…cool

sugarbabies

xoxo

yes..im a bitch..whats your point??

sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…

Now where to begin??????

maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:

“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and  quietly judging me”

or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…

“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”

seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money???  have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….

he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)

so theres that…

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace…

(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)

i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….

i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….

i am verrrrry smoooooth….

xoxo

shipping to a sex kitten…

sugarbabies…

there are a LOT of reasons to buy original artwork…. one of my faves is …cause they ship it wrapped in enough bubble wrap to cover the ENTIRE bed….

xoxo

let them eat cake….

sugarbabies

since my two favorite cooks here and here havent yet posted a recipe/directions…and because my favorite restaurant consultant hasnt pointed me toward a local source that can provide what i need…what we allll need … today i took drastic measures…  and sent the following note:

10.02.2008

via fax: (910) xxx-xxxx

{confidential source redacted bitchez !!}

Dear Mike;

It has recently come to my attention that you sell a famous Chocolate 10 Layer Cake… This is the best news I’ve received in months. My name is {redacted}. I grew up in NC; sadly I don’t get back home often enough. When I was a kid we bought a 10 Layer Cake every Sat at the farmers market. It was awesome.

Nowadays…. I live in Washington DC. I’m not sure if you have heard but lately …well… folks have not been getting along real well here. There is literally arguing in the halls, and even in the fancy steak restaurants. If only we could end the partisan bickering!! I really feel like it would be hard for them to argue if they were eating 10 Layer Chocolate Cake. WHO isnt happy eating a 10 Layer Chocolate Cake??? If I only I could get my hands on a 10 Layer Chocolate Cake- I am pretty sure we could avert a National Financial Disaster!!

I guess this is just a long way of asking:

Can Y’all Ship Those Things???

Sincerely,

p.s. no pressure but global economic stability may very well depend on your answer…

**UPDATE** 10 layers of goodness in transit….yeah thats right TEN LAYERS bitchez!!

sex kitten psychosis…

i dropped my fave MARNI platform stilettos off at the cobbler this morning for a little sole soul…

i feel like a mom who just left her baby at the first day of kindergarten…

i know they will be ok…but i have to keep telling myself that the cobbler is qualified, and that the funny looks were just because they obviously think anyone wearing THOSE shoes and driving THAT car is a stripper …and they feel sorry for me ’cause im getting a bit old to be stripping for a living…NOT because they were planning  to steal my shoes…

xoxo

bless this mess…

sugarbabies….

blogs are funny things…and while innately narcissistic… sometimes …they do manage to provide a bit of perspective…and well…a weekend full of funerals…can do that too….sooo with that in mind…what i realllly want to say IS…

sometimes….i really only feel compelled to blog when crazy or negative stuff is going on…kinda as way to sort through it…mentally put it in a box post and file it away…… and even though things are far from perfect…in the big picture…youd be hard pressed to find a girl as lucky as me…and i wouldnt want ANYONE who stumbled on this little ole blog … to EVER think otherwise…

there isnt much in my life to complain about…yes there are bumps in the road…but… every day…i say a little thank you to the fates because… seriously…

i NEVER want to take for granted alll the reallly reallly good things/people in my life…

…lifes yin/yang  cycle has been pretty evident, of late…

and while i lost good friends…folks that can not be replaced…

the fates have also seen fit to introduce really good people into my life recently…

and well…

its hard to not see the cyclical nature of things…when you and your friends are:

attending funerals AND weddings,

bar mitzvahs, baptisms, AND remembrance services for 9-11

enjoying both family dinners round a big table AND date nights in smokey lil clubs with a good band, shiner bock and marios pizza,

when you get the opportunity to bump around in an old pickup truck AND cruise the GW parkway topless in Sex on Wheels…

and while the economy is uncertain….right now…at this very moment…alll of my bills are paid and there is a little change in the bank…

and oh yeah…. last week i got to watch a little art porn AND some football…

the redskins even won on sunday…

…life IS good…

although …it would be okay with me if the fates would take a teeeny little bit of interest in my fantasy football team…cause evidently… choosing players based on handsomeness….while making for an awesome FANTASY…kinda makes for a sucky FOOTBALL team…

xoxo

sorry but my emotional savings acct is overdrawn..

sugarbabies…

i think i had a wee breakdown this morning…im not sure..

is that what you call it when:

you are packing for a quick trip home…to vist your sick mom…and while your packing you realize you need outfits for not one but two funerals…and you havent been to the dry cleaner and you get soo mad at yourself for not picking up your black “funeral pants” the day before  and you start throwing clothes on the bed… and then you sit down and cry and ….then you have to clean up the mess and now you are late AND puffy eyed.. and you STILL dont have anything packed …and you tell yourself your not gonna go to either funeral..fuck it…and then you start crying again because of course you are gonna go… and nobody cares if you wear the black pants with the slightly wider cut leg… and … you put them in the bag…and of course you knock over the bottle of water that is on the dresser… so you cry a little more… and you talk out loud to the dead…and you tell them how angry you are at them…for leaving you here …for leaving all the people that love them… that you dont want to have to look their kids in the eye… and … you look at the clock and realize that you are late…but ironically (or not) it is still waaay too early to start drinking….. and then you cant bring yourself to throw out the drooping roses on the table.. even though you know that coming home to them dead and rotting is gonna put you over an edge…  and then… just for a little cherry on top…you hide the key to your house in a new place because you are gonna do something you ONLY do when youre planning a night of boom chicka wah wah…

lock the door….

because your house isnt quite as safe as it was yesterday….

and lastly as  you traverse the 6 to 1 slope of the parking garage in your 5 inch platform stilettos… your overnight bag, briefcase, and laptop…a concerned construction worker asks if you are gonna be ok…

and you almost start crying AGAIN when you reply

“thanks love ..but this is the easiest thing I’m gonna have to do for days…”

i mean really sugarbabies what do you call that???

xoxo

luck be a lady….

sugarbabies…

gambling…is addictive…

“roll the dice…sex,drugs, and rock n roll are my only vice….” -Everlast

im not usually one to gamble… i work hard for my money… so ..im pretty careful bout how i spend it…and well… i know the odds… and …thats what usually keeps me from gambling… MOST of the TIME…

..but…on occasion i get lured into a game… usually …if im tempted..

its with house money… nuthin to lose…those are pretty good odds…

even a sex kitten has a hard time saying no…

…but a kitten has to be careful…

because sometimes… the house money runs out… and if you arent done with the game…

you catch yourself investing a bit of your own…

and thats when…things get dangerous…

and kittens get skittish…

and …

well…

trips out of town get booked… and car keys get tossed about carelessly…

and the housekeeper starts shaking her head at the frequent requests for linen changes…

im afraid im not a brave girl…

and when that happens…i push back from the table..

i’m not sure i can afford to lose…

maybe i shouldnt have sat down at all….

and.. now here i am…in too deep to walk away….but…not far enough

to know if winning is really possible …

whats winning anyway??

the last one at the table??? the biggest bank roll at the end of the night???

maybe “winning” …

is just getting to play the game…getting invited to sit at the high stakes table….

and maybe just maybe …i should consider….

plunking down some cold hard emotional cash….

xoxo

faster pussycat…

sugarbabies….

lots of stuff in life these days….is fast…and getting faster…

sex on wheels cruises nicely around 90… and my new aircard (when i can get all four bars) is lightning fast (woot!)…summer…flew by like it was on a rocket…

now dont get me wrong…most days..i love the fast lane…

it may be where i feel most comfortable…its what im used to…i rarely sleep in the same bed more than two or three nights in a row…

but then there are the other days…

when you just wanna slam on the brakes..and catch your breathe… and maybe… stay in bed alllll day…tangled up in sweaty sheets with a lanky cowboy…

and on those days…well…sometimes it feels like im just doing what i can to hold on…

sooo….while its not uncommon to find me running through an airport… this time…

amazingly…

i couldnt tell you WHY i was running…

i wasnt late…

i had my ticket…

i had cleared security…

i had a good thirty min til the first boarding call…

but i definitely felt compelled

…to run…

and well… ask ANYONE who knows me…. running….is NOT something i do…

nope…

i cant think of a single time before … when i have ever felt compelled to run…

mild OCD causes me to rearrange the fridge more often than i like to admit…but …running…not so much

yet…here i was…

5 inch louboutins be damned…tumi bag over my shoulder…running…

i just wish i knew…

…sugarbabies…

if i was running AWAY from or TOWARD…

…something…

and while i cant be sure…

truthfully ….

i suspect it was a little of both…

xoxo

“Ive got a little mama she is really built for speed

all shes got to do is ask me &  i give her what she needs

she likes to take my hot rod out at night

she likes to park it where its dark and tight..

faster faster pussycat lets go…

faster faster..she dont want to go slow…”

-Pink & Black

she wants to play hearts…(with house money)

sugarbabies..

take notes :

dont let any of the following facts stop the party:

• its a weekday…and the sun is coming up….
• that you both have to be at work in a few hours….(but babies…that poor thing he didnt quite make it into the office….bless his heart)
• that you have a plane to catch (another one leaves every two hours)
• that you have made out soo hard..that you have rubbed your nose raw….on his scruffy bits...(mmmmeoooowrrr…dont you just love boys sometimes…)
• that you need to leave a note for the housekeeper that says “boom chika wah wah” which loosely translates to “please wash the sheets”
  

and oh yeah…having one boy bring you coffee at 6 am so that you can be awake enough to have another boy bring you coffee at 7am….is wrong on sooo many levels…but …its what happened this morning…

and silly me…i thought mondays were good…

xoxo