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I’m not stranger to fake…

in the south back when i was a kid there wasn’t much you wouldn’t suffer for beauty… it was a duty…you repped a clan…

so … i come by it naturally and when i tell you if there is a beauty treatment out there…i have probably tried it… 

I’ve had hair extensions glued to my head.

I was one of the first to sign up for a needle loaded with botchelism… to the face.

i’ve had hot wax applied to nearly every place you can think would be a bad place to put hot wax…yep even there… and oh yeah and pour some bleach in there too!

i have had formaldehyde applied to my hair in a series of “treatments” that required the hairdresser to wear a gas mask.

I have had lasers applied directly to my face and underarms.

I have rolled about in a can of ultra violet light & been full body sprayed with a chemical im allergic  to (go figure) …

I have had a pedicure that involves putting your feet in a bucket full of flesh eating fish…(trust me…just use a fucking pumice stone)

i have had polished bits of acrylic glued to my fingers..hey it was the 80’s

I have dyed my hair every color in nature and few that are not.

“Ancient art of Threading”..sure i’ve tried it…

I’ve gone to sketchy basements in Alexandria for a “super facial” that “wasn’t FDA approved YET….but they do it in europe all the time”

sooooo naturally… when on a rainy sat afternoon i found myself in the basement of a row house in chinatown for “eyelash extensions”…i wasn’t worried…

in no time at all i was on my back … hot wax stripping stray hairs from my brows …while a tiny lady i had never seen before used scotch tape to hold my lower lashes down…then she set about basically hot gluing individual eyelashes into place…and when i say in place i mean…right up next to my eyeballs… with very pointy tweezers…

all i could think as tears rolled down my TAPED . OPEN . EYES… and into my ears… was “FML…what have i gotten myself into. I cant believe i am paying for this… the least she could do is crack a whip “…instead she gave me pearls of beauty wisdom … for keeping my lashes tidy for as long as possible… things like :

dont sleep on your face

dont wash your face

if you get something in your eye -just blink

dont take hot showers

“i can only do so much ..it takes work from you for these to look good” were her words …

i dont know if i’ve just reached a place in my life where i dont give a shit anymore… maybe im not even “able to give a shit” …maybe i have bigger concerns than my fucking eyelashes??

but a wise woman once said…

“look here honey…

pull “delicately” on the outer edge…line up…and press down…. hold… hold… repeat”

i was 10 years old when my granny showed me how to dot the glue and spread it with a tooth pick… and apply false eyelashes…that cost 4 dollars at cvs….

and three days later you wont be walking round with a “clump” of eyelashes missing cause you took a hot shower…

xoxo

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soooo….

you know that thing where over the years …fellas buy you nice lingerie… but then for whatever reason; doesnt fit, doesnt flatter, you never see the guy again, you gain 5 lbs, you lose 5 lbs, it has hot pink ruffles trimmed in red velvet (sounds sexy …but isnt…trust me),  or maybe your mom owns the same “retro underpinnings” etc etc…

and so one day while trying to make a bit of room in your closet you start pulling out all these nwt booty shorts and sequined bustiers and …

well…

what the fuck do you do with them??? i cant just toss em…i cant….and i dont think you can donate “intimates” to anyone…

maybe i  should start some sewing project that uses bits of chantilly lace and ribbon… but i have no idea what that would be a… quilt of broken dreams? maybe a stuffed animal, a bunny or sex kitten??but that seems kinda creepy…

im considering a box that says free to good home … and just sitting it out on the stoop… watch the natives pillage ….

if anyone has any ideas… im listening!

xoxo

If anybody has an acquaintance with sucker bets its prob me… i can be shortsighted and have you met me???

instant gratification is my middle name…

so when the odds dont figure and the payoff is less than the put in…

well you’ve just described almost every relationship i have ever been in

… and sooo…  this morning as i was walking alice we passed a group of homeless men and

i noticed one fella…. on his IPHONE (shit you not)

animatedly talking to his bookie bout the “taking Miami”

he eye raped gave me and alice the ‘ole up/down gaze…

pulled his phone from his ear and asked

“baby.. can ya spare any cash money for your man today” ???

annnd yeah  i told him the first thing that popped into my head which was…

“ya shouldve taken the knicks…… cocksucker”

xoxo

“and if i could find your heart…id pull it from your chest…smash it with my fist…til it was beating…

…and if theres a hole inside…heaven in your bed…cause the angel you kissed… just left you bleeding”  ~pink mountaintops

Dear google+

thanks for threatening to suspend allll of my google services because you dont like my name…

if Gweneth Paltrow can name her daughter Apple (bet you wouldnt want that to catch on) and Jason Lee  can name his kid Pilot Inspektor … and i worked with a kid named An2mar (with the number 2 for fucks sake)… then who are you to say i cant be SuicideBlond? … my LinkedIn profile  is suicide blond, my Facebook page is suicide blond, my Twitter is @suicideblond my About.Me page is suicide_blond….my entire online presence is suicide_blond…. i have a credit card here from Chase Manhattan with the name suicide blond on it…my New Yorker magazine subscription comes to suicide_blond ….Klout sends perks to Suicide Blond pretty regularly (thanks kids!!) so maybe its not just my “online presence”….maybe the lines between IRL and Online are fuzzy…

but really…whats it to you and why is my name any of your business??? What name would satisfy you?  the name on my birth certificate or the name my mother calls me, or maybe the name on my diploma or perhaps my confirmation name according to the catholic church….none of those are the same….

all of them are perfectly legitimate…

oh and thanks (i guess) for mentioning that i could still use Gmail… suicide_blond has been around since before Gmail existed… she doesnt take well to bullies and she still uses Yahoo…

...fml ..ive just referred to myself in the 3rd person…

but all of that aside…

i deleted my google+ account ages ago… google+ sucks…you have bigger problems than what name i answer to…and trust me… suicide_blond is one of the nicer ones….

xoxo

nothing good happens when its this hot after midnight…

we stepped out of the club into hot night air …and a waiting taxi…with no air conditioning…

i leaned into the heat … breathed it …

hot air in your lungs…at 1 am …summer in dc *sigh*

the hair on the back of my neck was damp…hell … most of me was damp….my makeup was a mess…

i think i told him he was an idiot…or something along those lines…

he just laughed and told the taxi where to pull over…

hes a poor planner…or a great one…. im not sure which…

but he walked me into the house…and shoved me against the wall…he kissed me like he meant it…which is how i like it

and i have to  admit… that if you cant get long necks at an old juke joint / honky tonk in this town… well at least you can roll through dives like the velvet lounge and push over to the 9:30 club  for a good view of a bad (in all the right ways)  rock n roll show …my weakness for such things is … well documented… and 2.5 vodka tonics and a glass of wine will get you just about as far as 3 vodka tonics…my also well documented… limit before poor slutty life choices get made… …which brings us back to my place…

the air conditioning was turned down low…it was cold even… but there was sweat  running down my back…

later…he jumped in the shower…while i …switched on early morning tv

the overdone woman on the weather channel said the heat index was still ridiculously high…

i  opened the fridge…i stood there with the door open sipping a pellegrino limonata…

…i kissed him goodbye…

he smelled like soap… when he headed back out in to the heat…

…to meet his wife…

xoxo


that awkward moment when youre in a swanky K street salon/spa…

getting all sorts of things done (cough *brazilian blowout* cough)

and folks keep telling you how amazing/expensive/ stunning/  your color looks…

and then a client says ..ohhh i want her color

and everyone looks at the stylist who has been nodding at the color compliments all day…and she shrugs…

and everyone looks at you… and you say…

 i get this $hit for 9 dollars at CVS …

xoxo

suicide_blond = dyed by her own hand

 

brunch starts late at the passenger… and its cocktail heavy…not silly mimosas… real hardcore cocktails…  sidecars…manhattans…concoctions with bits of dandelion, egg whites and orange peel… i should have known things would go south when they pulled a ladder out of the back so the bartender could reach the good stuff…and …in retrospect the biscuit buried in a bowl of gravy prob wasnt enough to soak up the shots of assorted spirits…which probably made the drama that wound its way back and forth between the sidewalk… the bar.. and the psychotronic film society screening  in the back …all the more…well… dramatic…and…

when i stepped on the sidewalk to bum a drag off some guys smoke…i was surprised that it was dark… but surprised in a good way… i like the dark…especially if its a hot dark… the secret service had broken up a fight on this bit of sidewalk the night before …  animated conversations were taking place in the nearby doorways tonight… it felt like summer…it happens like this when its hot… but thats another story… this story is about ME…going back inside…  a hand on my back…in a too dirty too dark dive bar loo…after too many muddled fruit cocktails… feeling something slip…hearing the metallic clink…  closing my eyes… realizing it… and thinking…its ok…to let it go…. and giving up a little bit of me… a little bit of mcqueen… thinking …

Lee probably would have liked this slightly hipster driven dive bar with surprisingly good food… great cocktails…and very little pretense… and… then…. just pushing the handle…pulling the metaphoric trigger…

he turned his inner demons outward for us… his struggle was familiar and that familiarity bred a certain comfort…yeah…thats the right word…comfort… i took comfort in his work… i still think of him every day….but i wont be sliding his ring on my finger anymore…im facing my own demons… and im doing it alone… because whether the harsh light of day or the darkest part of the night… that’s really the only way that you can face them…

god save mcqueen….

god save the district…

god save us all…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

i took umbrage when i came across an article …that suggested that women today should not  try to cultivate a sex kitten image…maybe it was this line…

Today, more than ever, women are having an outrageously difficult time trying to figure out what it is we want and who we want to be. There’s nothing wrong with seeking professional independence and success or living in the fairy-tale house with the white-picket fence. Yet there’s still this little voice from some Cosmopolitan article that says any real woman can do all that because she has this amazing sexual presence.

well first….really??? “today, more than ever, outrageously difficult”… are we talking about the same generation that feels soo entitled that last month the receptionist didnt feel she should have to  answer the phone?? Interns that tell their bosses what days they will work? that generation? cause… yeah..no… im not buying it…id say that is a cop out..and that while there is still a ways to go…that GREAT strides have been made..and that those strides include the choice to exercise our inner sex kitten… but maybe it IS time for a more modern definition of a “sex kitten”…

photo via: Tom Ford Eyewear

for me …it has always been a woman who doesnt have to repress her sexuality to be considered equal… quite the opposite… someone who is smart enough to recognize and even revel in the differences between men and women… and who can be BOTH professional and sexual… you know…like men …now im not trying to unduly criticize the author…shes a college kid… and wow im glad most of the  crap i wrote in the college paper isn’t plastered all over  the net for silly google searches to provoke comment from random sex kittens …. i see where she was going..(i think) but… i think ….she is missing the point…and that helen gurly brown would agree … that the little voice from cosmo isnt saying she can do all that because she has an amazing sexual presence….its say you can do all that AND have an amazing sexual presence….

xoxo

remember that time..that you locked yourself out of your office…oh and yeah your lil dog was IN your office…and you had to move a file cabinet ok ok TWO file cabinets and crawl under a desk to get to a little known “being john malkovitch” style back door(yeah creepy and dusty)… and the new clients walked in as you were coming out from under a desk…and they looked a bit horrified when the receptionist said that YOU were the one they were gonna be spending a gazillion dollars with… yeah …

hi monday…

i hate you…

xoxo

ed note** by tuesday im hoping they will be convinced that i have a “whatever it takes to get the job done” attitude as opposed to thinking im just an “idiot blond that is prob  slept with our boss to get this gig“…

sugarbabies…

you know those people who are only nice to you when they want something…and then they are alll about how are you and whats been up and you start thinking oh maybe i was wrong about him/her they aren’t so bad…yeah sure ill help you with that project…and then … they go all bitchy again…. and sometimes downright mean…

yeah that ….

ugh…im so mad at myself cause i  fall for it EVERY.TIME.

now seriously you wont find a person more invested in the concept of second chances than me…but right now…im watching this a$$hole be nice to someone who he wants something from…and they are falling for it….and i want to barf…like projectile barf…alll over BOTH of them…

and watching it instead of being a player (read: sucker) in it…makes me think…damn…that is sooo pathetic….

lord help us all..

my inner bitch needs some serious play time…

i think im about to get all up somebody elses business…or… at least pop a midol

xoxo

sugarbabies…

my ninny always said “be extra careful when you buy knickers from the discount bin”

i think the same could prob be said for porn…

please note that i firmly believe quality porn should be available at all price points…

TEXT from ME:

its not that this thing was shot in the 80’s …{where FB stands for Full Bush NOT FaceBook} … or that there are dudes dressed as Arabs tossing 100’s on the girls… its the bootleg film quality makes this one seem shady … “caballero productions” should have been our first clue

but… id never fault a guy for trying…xoxo

you know what you cant buy cheap…

good art porn

nsfw

http://www.andrewblake.com <—you CAN find a few good ones here…just in time for the holiday season…

im partial to hard edge … but even i have to admit its aging… & we allll know …

porn does not age as well…

as a slightly…

salty…hard… spanish

queso idiazabal….

xoxo

sugarbabies…

…N…

he works the food cart … on a well-traveled corner in what is now a “safe” neighborhood....near the courthouse

we go back a loong time….back to when my walk of shame from a spot on Pennsylvania Ave used to take me past his corner…back… before the neighborhood was good…back then he used to toss me a Diet Mt Dew and tell me i could do better than the d-bag i was “seeing”. (ok ok maybe he said “congressman” not d-bag but whateves samey same)… we’d talk bout his kids and how their college was going  … and how expensive tuition was…which was why he was out here at this time of morning…every morning…

sooo when i pulled up at the light tues morning…and lifted my arm to wave at him i was surprised to see him running after someone… at first i thought…oh must have forgotten their change…(yes i am ridiculous)

but that wasnt it…

it was two kids..they had each taken a bag of chips… and walked away … kinda “skipping” in that “im a bad ass im not scared.. i dont have to run” way…if you live in a city… you know the skip… i hate the skip…

N. caught up to them in front of my car… one kid shifted his weight and adopted his most menacing posture (also kind of ridiculous)  he threw the chips at N. …by then the other had turned round and was pushing N. it was two kids and one grizzled old man… make no mistake… i have no doubt that in a fair fight… N. would take these kids every time…he left Afghanistan in the 80’s …hes tougher than those kids know..

but things arent fair in this town…especially the fights…

i took a sec to concentrate on their faces.. in case i had to id them later… and i prayed that nobody had a gun…jeeezuz its a fucking bag of chips…not even Cheetos or Doritos…. then  i threw open the car door…stepped out into the street…

When i shouted… all three of them turned … the boys were kinda stunned…then an ugly smile slid across ones face he shrugged his shoulders turned his palms out …passing his bag of chips to N….  they turned their backs to us…and skipped off toward the courthouse…

N shook his head “YOU SHOULDNT GET OUT OF THE CAR ITS TOOO DANGEROUS!”  he shouted at me… louder and gruffer than he meant to…  the way a parent does when they are more scared than angry… i made the sign of the cross… and moved to get back in the car… the light was getting ready to change… he motioned for me to wait… he reached down and tossed me a dt mt dew… and started laughing at me…

“next time… you just shout for cops i think there mothers are the problem”

i laughed too… ok N … deal… i crossed my arms over my chest and then pointed at him… smiling…

hes prob right… i gotta think of something better to shout than:

HEY ASSHOLES….DONT MAKE ME GO GET YOUR MOMS….

xoxo

“Quick…PATS or GENOS”

was my tweet to friends near and far…help with the ultimate cheese steak sandwich choice…  cause the lines were long enough that i wasnt gonna be able to do both as planned…

*crickets*

sooo based solely on a random food network review that i sorta kinda remembered that might have implied that GENOS was bit cleaner… i chose the bright orange storefront with what appeared to be an ever so slightly shorter line… after about 15 min i got an urgent cell phone call saying

“i hope to god you picked pats! its the bread… the bread at PATS is like a beignet”

…. but ive already been standing here… for 15 min… i whined back… and chose to stay …

i enjoyed my Genos Philly Cheese Steak.. but next time i think i will def  go to PATS.. not because

A)now ive already had Genos… or

B) the bread (i kinda liked genos bread)

more because the place had a weird xenophobic vibe… with alll of the

“order in english”

“we are in america so speak american”

signs everywhere  …. which was weird but ok with me as philly is kinda  notorious for insisting on a proper 3 word order for cheese steak

until….

they started  mocking the Asian tourists in front of me… in Italian…

yeah i speak enough to know what you just said carmine

like there is a word for fucking CHEESE WHIZ in any other language…

xoxo

Bread for myself is a material question. Bread for my neighbor is a spiritual one.  ~Nikolai Berdyaev

sugarbaby…….

seriously…

you should know some things about me…

im prob not the person you think i am…

im not particularly nice… im selfish… i know that about myself… im ok with it…

being with me wont make you happy… youre responsible for your own happiness..

i wont let you fix shit in my life either…except maybe breakfast

i keep secrets…its my life… if i wanna share it… i will…but…dont count on it…

i dont open up easily…

no thats not it… i just dont open up… dont take it personally

im fiercely protective of my privacy…my family… my work…and my friends…

i wont tell you anything about them

i probably wont share them with you…ever…

i’ll happily pay for the drinks …the dinners…the tickets…

but i want you leave before the sun comes up…

unless…youre making me breakfast … and feeding it to me…

then i want you to leave after you clean the kitchen…

i like an unreasonable number of artificial sweeteners in my coffee… and i dont care what you think about that…

if you are allowed to drive my car…i will tell you…if i didnt give you the key…you are not allowed to drive it….dont act like you dont know this…and if you cant afford to replace her (and you cant) then dont help yourself to the spare key…

im not gonna hide my vibrator …i dont care what you think about that either

im not gonna invite you to the country house… its an escape … from people… like you…

if its late and you took the metro… i dont care how you get home… call a cab…from the curb…

dont assume things about me… it makes you look  bourgeois and boring

im ok with second chances…third ones even…shit happens i get it… but after that…i simply wont answer the phone……ever

dont mistake kindness for weakness… im tougher than i look…im probably tougher than you…

i get bored easily…

i wont co-sign anything for you….or your sister…or your drummer

in all likelihood i will never call you….i dont care that you think thats unreasonable

i wont fight with you …and …raising your voice wont get you anywhere…

i probably wont go to your office party… or take you backstage with me….

i wont talk to your mom on the phone…

i wont invite you on business trips….

i wont invite you on pleasure trips with my friends/family….

i wont ask questions -if i dont want to know the answer ….wait  let me say that again…its important so pay attention…. i wont ask questions -if i dont want to know the answer … you should do the same….

im not a therapist…or a priest….i dont want you to  confess your shit to me…

im friends with almost alll of my ex’s and in regular contact with them… deal with it…

soooooo…sugar you seem like a nice guy….

and

maybe meridith brooks said it best….

i do not envy you… im a little bit of everything all rolled into one…

im a bitch im a lover im a child im a mother im sinner im a saint… and i do not feel ashamed…im your hell im your dream …i am nothing in between…

and you wouldnt want it any other way….

and oh yeah..

i wont go through this list again…

even though it will change…. constantly…

sooo that whole “getting to know me” thing… yeah …well good luck with that…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

i used to try to use physics

more specifically string theory to

try to “explain” my relationships…

but he never even let me get the theory out…

he grabbed a pencil….and dropped his head…

when he was done he kissed me hard

and left….

he walked away…

hed chewed up my complex physics solution to love and life…

and

spit it back out as ….string theory… a song…

with guitar strings piano strings apron and heart strings…

and ….

a chorus of….

somethings…. some strings ….are not that complicated

….damn him…

xoxo

file under “why song writers are dangerous”

Daycare called to ask if they could put

almost 4lb Alice

in with the big dogs today …

evidently shes a bit “feisty” this morning…

2 hours later i called to check on her….

oh … we put her back in with the little dogs…

she was TERRORIZING the big dogs

great…

dear baby jebus…please do not let Alice get kicked out of private school… my mother will never let me live it down….and i think im starting to understand what she meant when she used to say …i hope you have one JUST LIKE YOU…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

sooo…on a recent beautiful fall day…i  decide i should totallly drop the top…

sitting at the light at constitution and 6th i press the button… german machinery initiates a sequence of events that puts the top neatly away in a rear boot … i shake my hair out into the crisp air…reach for my skim soy iced latte and make the turn….a cyclist slides too close into my lane…i hit the brakes harder than i like to..pirelli tread is sooo expensive… my coffee dribbles… great… i reach over to the center console…which because of my size is actually kinda behind me…. without taking my eyes from the road  …i start hand hunting for leftover fast food napkins… i can feel them…but the wind picks up and they are blowing out the top…Alice leaves her comfy shotgun post to kinda jump about in pursuit of said napkins… christ… im gonna get a littering ticket i think as an MPD Cruiser pulls in behind me and flashes the lights… i push my raybans up onto my head and turn to secure alice…. thats when i realize….

the “napkins” that were flying out the top of my car as i drove along constitution ave… were the andrew jackson variety…it was a veritable sex kittens  stimulus package… lucky for me… its NOT actually illegal to have money flying out of your car …just… you know… ridiculous…

xoxo

oh sugarbabies….

i startled out of a pretty deep  sleep…when i heard the knock on the door….i almost immediately realized i was in a hotel …which hotel and why came to me  slower ….i was half outta bed pulling the sheet around me when i realized it was Lenny Briscoe….and that id fallen asleep with the tv on… as evvvveryone will tell you…im apt to do…

i smiled at lenny….i miss you…rip

then i heard another noise that made me jump again… snoring…

damn…yep…hes there passed out on the sofa…. crap…

i looked under the sheets….i still had panties AND a tank top on… ok ok ok good… im not a TOTAL whore…

i fell back into to bed…. hearing to him breathing… was … comforting…

i looked at the clock…and pulled on my jeans… 6am.. central time…

i stepped kinda gingerly watching out for guitars and other assorted equip that was strewn EVERYWHERE….arrrgh…

i headed to the kitchen…pushed open the door… hugged maria… she hugged me back… we go back a loooong way….i pulled a stool up to the counter and she poured me a cup of coffee….

“you two have been spending a lot of time together”… she winked….

“no… no no… we havent sugar… we just seem to spend the bits of time we DO spend together here!”

she just  shrugged…and passed me a peach yogurt from the fridge…. i poured some coffee into a carafe, grabbed an unseemly number of splendas and headed back to my room…

he was in the bed…

i snuggled in next to him…

“friends… til the end” ???

when he said it there was a little bit of a question in his voice….

it usually comes out as a statement….

our statement…

our promise that no matter what… or who… or where… or how we’d alllways be there for each other… some folks youre just connected to like that…and you know that thick or thin…(and he happens to be in  a thin spot…at the moment) they are there…

i thought for a min….

before i kissed his forehead and told him…

“til the end sugar”….

but to myself….. i couldnt help but remember him trying to hide the track marks and thinking…

“the bitter end”

xoxo

sugarbabies!!!

we have some catching up to do! so we better get started…

let me see… after what will be from hear on out known as the chipmunk assault of 09… during which Sex on Wheels was parked quietly minding her own business while i was traipsing about <read-taking the metro> (thats right bitchez!! in 2009 im alll about riding the PT Cruiser {Pub Trans} ) a family of those lil fuckers got busy and chewed all her hoses/wires/belts… now… i dont know if you have replaced hoses wires and belts on a sexy european sports car before (i have a feeling a few of you have) … but …it rang in at almost 6k..

holy rascally rodents  batman!

damn.. there goes  any sort of vacay this year right?? but NO …..thank you baby jesus… karma… fate ….or insurance adjuster who has a thing for blondes… but yeah …the insurance company covers it…. whod have guessd??!

whew…

sooooo…. while sex on wheels was suffering certain indiginties associated with rodents and a lube job…. i made my way… in my loaner car (a chevy equinox that had best not be the hope of the american car industry) to  a dealer across town…just to …you know…

see what was sexy on his lot…

i ran my fingers over a red ferrari in the show room…and told him the make and model i was looking for… and…ummm… sir… she HAS to be convertable….

ah i have JUST the car for you! his eyes lit up….

after looking her over i pointed to another convertable across the lot…

Oh he said kind of hanging his head you prob dont want that one…its a manual transmission

silly boy… if there is one thing i know how to handle … its a stick…

i left…

more soon sugarbabies…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

evidently after a vodka tonic…a perfect sidecar…and a few stoli doli’s at the capital grille…i can be talked into almost anything…and thats how i ended up at a lingerie show…made exxxtra  classy by the fact that not just the models but also the FOOD were supplied by the infamous -read: topless- …crystal city diner…

we arrived fashionably late…and i was soon whisked into the makeup tent… so that a solid B lister of an infamous DC  drag queen could glam up my make up… sorry kids…i know  i know…but i showed up with a (gasp) bare face… and well im all about keeping it sexy….so…. 10 min later i have what the drag queen is calling a “smokey eye” and what i refer to as tammy faye gone streetwalker… but… whatever… everybody looks pretty under hot pink lights…um ok…almost everybody…

smile baby youre on candid camera

smile sugarbabies

after fingering a bit of burlesque-y beaded bits from this boutique

and confirming that a certain vintage chanel ring i have can indeed be repaired with a cute georgetown jeweler….

i headed home… i was double dating (going out more more than once a night) … i finally rolled home and crashed around 3am…

at 7 am..

there was an unfamiliar nuzzle on the back of my neck…

umm.. oh hai! iz forgot youze here…

the older gentleman next to me was asking for a morning romp…. i found the leash …threw my fur coat over my sweats … & we headed out… for a quick jaunt to the nearest flower box for some business… i figured folks were looking at how his fur kinda matched my fur…. and noting that his “pimp walk”  (read: hip dysplasia ) was tight and thinking to myself….

yeah bitchez we coordinate…. and …wow my head hurts bad

yeah… ummm it didnt even occur to me…

that last nights “smokey eye” had slid about an inch to the left and a half inch down…

the only thing i can say…is …umm…if you noticed a homeless looking cruellla deville walking the streets of dc bleary eyed with a gimpy older pup on sunday morn ….ummm my bad… im sorry sugarbabies….but being a sex kitten…. well…it  is not ALL bon bons and bacon…

xoxo

sugarbabies….

you know what vexes me about the anti abortion movement???

they swell their numbers with children…they bus in thousands middle school and high schoolers… like it is a sort of macabre field trip…and use them to inflate their numbers…what are the kids supposed to do???…it is their chance to “come to Wash DC”…  to me …it is a bit like enlisting child soldiers…using brainwashed emotionally vulnerable children to fight your battles doesnt seem right… yeah ummmm its a complex issue busing in your babies seems ummmm…. not ok…

and on a side note…gathering under my window to shout orders to your child soldiers at 630 am…also not ok…for some reason….of alll the protests that go on here….they are the only ones that consistently get this bit wrong…

sooooo ummmm sugarbabies if you happened to notice a sleepy eyed scantily dressed sex kitten on the stoop this morning…pointing out to the leaders of this particular crowd…that if they moved two feet to the left they would be shouting in front of an empty lot and NOT my bedroom window……yeah….ummm maybe i should have put on a robe or a snuggie or something…but… umm whatever…. my way worked….i mean…you shoulda seen em…. i had their FULL attention…

maybe i should have shouted something more poignant….than “get off my lawn”

xoxo

sugarbabies…

if..

  • you decide to head across the street to the store for “sexy time supplies”  because maybe…
  • you got a teeensy bit too much sun while sunbathing naked on a yacht off the coast of florida last weekend…and…
  • you decide youre in tooo big of a hurry to put on a shirt…
  • cause a fella who may or may not have agreed to rub lotion on the bits you cant reach is on his way over…
  • sooo…you grab the fur coat that is thrown over the Barcelona Chair ..and your umbrella …

and here is the lesson kids….

grab a fur coat …with a button… cause…holding your coat closed …with one hand and your umbrella with the other….leaves no hands available for grabbing sexy supplies at the store…. To anyone who saw my naughty girl bits in the Triple B the other night…(and most of you appeared to be visiting europeans soo i didnt get the impression you were especially scandalized) …. but to the others… ummm….oops… my bad.. but srsly?? this is DC sugarbabies… just cause its the baby oil aisle doesnt mean its safe for families…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

i’m pregnant….i know its the last thing you expected…me too….

Happy New Year

ok ok

im just messing with you…but realllly i do mean the happy new year thing.. and im wishing alll kinds of good (and naughty) things for you all in the new year..

i just talked to my Dr. and im pretty sure that the INSANE case of PMS that i’ve had for several weeks that caused me to cry uncontrollably for almost a week…awesomeness… is merely the result of the new pill she put me on..

“oh yeah thats a common side effect” …..she told me alll  casually…

like i hadnt spent the last few weeks believing myself to be completely loosing my grip …doing alll i could to avoid friends and parties…and… generally feeling like a blonder ann sexton (with better shoes of course)….

fucking the hells??

bitch couldnt have mentioned that????????

i decided to hate her..but…..i suck at that sooo i just burst into tears…

to which she replied…

im calling the pharmacy now… new pills AND some valium…

see… now i heart her…

soo if the mood swings dont kill me.. ill be blaming my red eyes on the chlorine….. as i head down to sit on santas lap in the swanky hot tubs of miami..

you kids dont wait up

xoxo

urgency – the state of being urgent; an earnest and insistent necessity

necessity – the condition of being essential or indispensable
hurry, haste – a condition of urgency making it necessary to hurry; “in a hurry to lock the door”
imperativeness, insistency, press, insistence, pressure – the state of demanding notice or attention; “the insistence of their hunger”; “the press of business matters”
criticality, criticalness, cruciality – a state of critical urgency

urgency – pressing importance requiring speedy action; “the urgency of his need”

importance – the quality of being important and worthy of note; “the importance of a well-balanced diet”
sharpness, edge – the attribute of urgency in tone of voice; “his voice had an edge to it”
imperativeness, instancy – the quality of being insistent; “he pressed his demand with considerable instancy”

its not the kind of thing that youre supposed to want…..but  then….ive always been hard to shop for…

xoxo

…great…

of course….asking the printer to actuallly work would be wayyyy tooo much… fuck christmas cards…

i need to eat something….what time is it??

3:00…..christ… ive only eaten some grated cheddar…no wonder i have this fucking throbbing headache….

ipod: My Life with The Thrill Kill Kult: ….as soon as i can im getting out of here….

yeah i need to get outta here…where are my shoes???…no…. not those….no i think i want the tall boots…the pointy dior ones with five inch stiletto heels…i havent worn those in a while….christ… this closet is cluttered….

do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning the closet do not start cleaning

here they are… god damn they hurt my feet… perfect…last time my toe nails scrunched up against my toes and when i took these fuckers off my feet were a bloody mess….

glamour is a rocky road….

perfect…. thats exactly what i want… fuck fuck fuck….

Skin flicks… lipstick…  baby scribbles in the mirror…

i need the “narrow at the ankle” skinny jeans…good thing i did laundry…

and the thigh high “socks” OVER the jeans…yep…

damn these boots are hot  ….i should wear them more often…but fuck me

drama overdoses….

yeah …they still reallllly hurt my feet…

i dont care…. i wanna wear em anyway…im looking forward to the hurt..

it feels kinda good…

no good isnt the word….what is it??? they feelll ____???? welll…. i feel…..

i FEEL a LOT….. these days…its too much…. id rather just feel my feet….even if its cause they hurt..

chickie babys gone off the deep end

pain….plain ole predictable foot pain…  that im in CONTROL of….

is almost…whats the word??????…. comforting…

and then he hit me …and it felt like a kiss…

no not comforting….but well…it beats….{ha a pun…i rock}……yeah it beats the shit out of any inner turmoil crap….

god damn…..ive had an emotionally exhausting few days….

i just wanna turn it all offf!! offf…offff….offf

change get back to the beginning…

i do not have time to psycho analyze my relationship with a pair of designer dominatrix boots…..

i wanna get outta here…now…

change… go back to the beginning…

emotional honesty as  bravery…. or vanity…..seriously??? for fucks sake im shaking …

i want out of here….

thoughtless words are like shadows…

where the fuck is my overnight bag???

where is my phone???

hey beeotch…no not too good… i could prob use that…can you bring some valium?… feel like fish???

ok… see you in an hour …ish… bye.

god dammit im outta soda pop…

i’ll go to burger king on my way out…but christ i want to get out of here…now…now…

from a world where words… are like graven images

zip these fucking boots up…

yeah im feeling  a little bad ass….ill wear the red leather jacket….looks cute with my t-shirt….

bag? check.

lip gloss? check.

credit cards? check.

cell phone? check.

turn off the heat.. Check.

damn… the flowers… they need to go to the trash… fuck.. i dont want to take the time… i want to leave NOW… fuck ’em and fuck him tooo…

we talk …we twist …we turn …we blow our circuits….

ok im out…

—- whats that guy doing?? — Christ on a Stick… hes peeing on my building….great…just ignore him walk away…walk away..

no he didnt just call me sweetness….

fuck hes gonna pee on me! ….

” yeah i see your junk… put it away… NOW”

it could’ve been you..it could’ve been me…

@ burger king walk up window: “can i get a large diet soda?”

FUCK-ing-A…. he did NOT follow me here with his shit…still out…. christ….i *heart* dc i *heart* dc

“Hell no… im not buying you shit! put your junk away before i call the cops…im not fucking kidding!! you just tried to piss on me!  fucking cocksucker if you dont put it away ill get that cop!

butterscotch!!! you fucker ….walk to the garage dont run..walk… walk…dont run …walk …dont run…

buses… roadies…  a concert is loading in… i dont care i want out of here….i want out before the crowd shows up….

where did i park?? oh… hi baby… unlock…slide down behind the wheel… push the ipod into the holster…

change… get back to the beginning…in the hour of zero
fuck my head is throbbing… turn the music up louder… louder…louder…ah….

born into a life where pain is your very best friend…

fuck… missed the light…there  is L-bomb’s place WTF is up with him???… he left his business card on my windshield last week…WTF  do i do with that??? …fucking great…green light green light green light..i want to go…i want out of here…

one life…one fire… get back to the beginning…

unmarked car rolling up behind me… fucking helll…. whew…its just “columbian hottys” husband…. he prob wants to know if im gonna mention seeing him {redacted} his secret is safe with me…. thats between them…. nod back to him…nod… asshole….

this town is toooo fucking small….

its the way of the wicked…

green light green light green light… peel out…if unmarked wants to stop me… he’ll have to catch me… i wanna be doing 90… i wanna be going fast….i wanna be over that bridge…

theres no time for love….

im not one of the brave ones… and im not sure if im vain….maybe i am… but now…right now…. all i want is to run… all i can think about is running… im running… again… but dammmmnit… i have no idea where im going…

theres no time for love… where the wild ones live..

xoxo


****editors note****

i felt much better after two drinks a valium and some grilled tilapia in lemon butter sauce… and no worries…i just cuss  a heck of a lot more in my head…than when i talk..

xoxo





dear sugarbabies…..

the top 10 quotes from the weekend:

10:  “lets totalllly do something cheap tonight”  followed a few hours later later with: “ummm we are gonna need ANOTHER bottle of Dom P. please”

9 i just rocked the red roof inn… where is the limo?

8 we have commandeered a prom vehicle!

7  me:  “put the bottle of vodka in your purse” ….

freckles:  “ok but its uuugh PEACH”

6) me: we went shoe shopping @ Neiman Marcus…thats more intimate than sex….

rothko: ummm dont worry he prob still thinks the sex is more intimate

5) Butterscotch is my safe word

4) there is my favorite blond one! …(flattery and vodka tonics will get you everywhere)

3) we have rented a mansion on 16th st and we are planning a “rager” wanna come??? (OMG!! LNS has moved into my building!! )

2) i cant plan until i find a pair of sequined booty shorts

and drumrollllllll plllleeeaaaasssseee….. the NO. 1 Quote of the weekend comes from our friend freckles:

1)  tell the driver to pull right up to the door….i want to show my Brittney

sugarbabies i party so you dont have to…

xoxo


sugarbabies……. oh my…. i do hope YOU have been behaving yourselves…because…i surely havent…which i know …is the way you like it…

Now where to begin??????

maybe with the little piles of sawdust that the bed ground out of the hardwood floors from well.. you know…. …. boom chicka wah wah…. thats right… full on sawdust…yes..im a LUCKY bitch i know…. seriously ALMOST as good as the sawdust was the call a few days later from the housekeeper:

“suicide_blond i is calling you..cause you know… you must have the termites….do you want that i save the sawdust or just vacuum it up?? ok ok i get you those lil things that save the floor…*heavy sigh… while …i imagine her crossing herself , shaking her head and  quietly judging me”

or… maybe with how i sat cross legged on the upstairs sofa at busboys and poets sipping my 6th mimosa when my phone rang… hmmmm…. older rich guy who crushes too hard….wonder what he wants?… so i answer… yeah… um…hes totally calling from his beach house… because…

“im going through my expenses and i noticed there were NO SUICIDE BLOND charges this month…are you ok???”

seriously??? dude you called cause i HAVENT spent any of your money???  have you turned on the news??? do you even still have any money??? if you want to talk to me …just say so… then… i told him i couldnt go to dinner with him when he gets back to town…(all the while thinking of the sawdust under my bed)…. after alll of that….

he asked if i wanted anything from his “fleet” for the winter…you know… so i wont have to drive sex on wheels out in the snow… i told him that under NO circumstances would i drive the hummer…he laughed…. he offered the new mercedes… dude…. I KNOW that YOU DONT KNOW…and maybe if you did know more than just what you paid for it i would have time to go to dinner with you but thats another story… but the benz is rear wheel drive…same as sex on wheels… not good in the snow…but i agreed…cause…its HIS and id rather crash his car than mine ( i know call me a dirty selfish whore….just… pull my hair when you say it.)

so theres that…

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

you say bitch...like its a bad thing...

or maybe we should talk about how i seem to have been struck by the Curse of the Venus Embrace

(yeah…its not some crazy ninja sex position..i wish it was….)

i know that even speaking of curses is bad luck …. and that the hoodoo associated with this particular curse is verrrrrrrrry strong….but …anything for you sugarbabies…as i wouldnt want any of YOU to fall prey….

i saw it….in the triple B and thought hmmm…5 BLADES OF GLORY…… heck i’ll be smooth as barry white….no boy will be able to resist…. alas….EVERY time i used the cursed thing… i ended up alone with my hitachi… on several occasions…i thought i had shaken the bad juju off that thing and that SURELY tonight would be the night…so i even used the exotic soaps from Turkey… and put on the fancy french lingerie…but… to no avail…as i said….the hoodoo is strong…i certainly would have tossed that $hit in the potomac but sugarbabies….. i spent thirty dollars on a pkg of blades…and thats a lot of cheese when youre in the middle of a global financial crisis… sooo…now that the economic downturn has begun to mess with my love life… $hit has got to give… although… in case you were wondering….

i am verrrrry smoooooth….

xoxo

i dropped my fave MARNI platform stilettos off at the cobbler this morning for a little sole soul…

i feel like a mom who just left her baby at the first day of kindergarten…

i know they will be ok…but i have to keep telling myself that the cobbler is qualified, and that the funny looks were just because they obviously think anyone wearing THOSE shoes and driving THAT car is a stripper …and they feel sorry for me ’cause im getting a bit old to be stripping for a living…NOT because they were planning  to steal my shoes…

xoxo

sugarbabies…

i think i had a wee breakdown this morning…im not sure..

is that what you call it when:

you are packing for a quick trip home…to vist your sick mom…and while your packing you realize you need outfits for not one but two funerals…and you havent been to the dry cleaner and you get soo mad at yourself for not picking up your black “funeral pants” the day before  and you start throwing clothes on the bed… and then you sit down and cry and ….then you have to clean up the mess and now you are late AND puffy eyed.. and you STILL dont have anything packed …and you tell yourself your not gonna go to either funeral..fuck it…and then you start crying again because of course you are gonna go… and nobody cares if you wear the black pants with the slightly wider cut leg… and … you put them in the bag…and of course you knock over the bottle of water that is on the dresser… so you cry a little more… and you talk out loud to the dead…and you tell them how angry you are at them…for leaving you here …for leaving all the people that love them… that you dont want to have to look their kids in the eye… and … you look at the clock and realize that you are late…but ironically (or not) it is still waaay too early to start drinking….. and then you cant bring yourself to throw out the drooping roses on the table.. even though you know that coming home to them dead and rotting is gonna put you over an edge…  and then… just for a little cherry on top…you hide the key to your house in a new place because you are gonna do something you ONLY do when youre planning a night of boom chicka wah wah

lock the door….

because your house isnt quite as safe as it was yesterday….

and lastly as  you traverse the 6 to 1 slope of the parking garage in your 5 inch platform stilettos… your overnight bag, briefcase, and laptop…a concerned construction worker asks if you are gonna be ok…

and you almost start crying AGAIN when you reply

“thanks love ..but this is the easiest thing I’m gonna have to do for days…”

i mean really sugarbabies what do you call that???

xoxo

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